Drinking skim milk instead of whole

Another day finished. I look forward to the evenings when the kids are in bed and I come to the realization that I conquered another day without my girl. I can't look forward one, two or three months, I can only look forward to the day ahead of me. It is too daunting to look too far. But I can see the hours ahead, makes it a lot more attainable.

I had an okay day. Started out with getting up late realizing that I was suppose to wake up earlier and put the baked oatmeal in the oven. We managed though, we just did scriptures and prayers first and ate last. The kids were in good spirits this morning, they amaze me. I know they miss 'Jane' but they are just bright and cheerful and do what they need to do. I have not had any breakdowns with any of them since Monday night. They talk about mom all the time, but they are relieved that she is getting the help she needs and not getting any sicker. I got them out the door, and cleaned the kitchen and house. If I don't do that first thing, I don't get it done. I showered and shaved, made the bed for the first time, and checked emails. My baby girl was a doll, we made her bed and cleaned up the house together. She is terrified of going downstairs by herself, scared of everything by herself. Reminds me of her mother haha! She started out with a little bo peep dress but once she found out she had a play date with her little boy friends, she opted for a more playful outfit. One of 'Jane's' friends texted last night and asked if she could have my baby girl for a few hours, I was just going to be at my desk all day so I thought it would be a great idea. I dropped her off and this friend wanted to talk. I was glad she did. I am trying to figure out what is going through 'Jane's' mind a little bit right now and she gave me some insights as to what she might be feeling. All of 'Jane's' friends feel bad, they wish they would have said something to her sooner. I told her that it would not have mattered if they were more upfront, I was married to 'Jane' for almost 14 years and she did not tell me. It had to be her idea and by approaching her about it sooner would have distanced her from them when she needed them most. All her close friends have all expressed remorse that they did not do more. I am humbled that this has affected them so drastically, I know they really love 'Jane'. Dealing with a ED is very confusing, the more you push, the more they pull away. Conversations that were most effective with 'Jane' had to be on her timetable. I know that the timing of all this was perfect, from the insurance, to the availability in the clinic. The conversations that I had with others were at the right time. Any sooner and it would not have worked, any later and 'Jane' would be in the hospital.

 

So I talked to 'Jane's' friend for awhile, she opened up to me about her ED struggles a bit. She was not afraid to correct me on some of my thinking which I was grateful for. I am having a difficult time processing some of my thoughts and opinions as I have no basis to fall back on, I have never been here before. So any opinion I have formed can easily be changed as it is a new opinion. So overall, it was a good conversation, glad she took the time to talk and I came away with a greater understanding of what 'Jane' is probably feeling right now. Kim called me this morning to see if she could help with anything. I was trying to get to walmart to print off some pictures for 'Jane' but is was just not going to happen. I asked her if she would mind and she was thrilled that I would ask. I emailed her some pics and she said she would take care of it. Those are the kinds of things that make me happy, everyone wants to help, no matter what it is.

I spent the afternoon paying bills. As the day progressed, my spirits got lower and lower. My bills were going faster and faster but by the time I was done, I was overwhelmed, disheartened and stressed. I did not know why. I had had a pretty good day, just a overshadowing of dismalality of hanging over me. My baby girl came home right before the kids, we made two big bowls of popcorn and sat around and talked about our days. They were all happy and ready for the weekend. A couple of the kids and I took a walk with the dogs. We had 30 deer out in the field. Beautiful evening, the sun was just setting, the sky was pink, my cute little kids were enjoying the time with their dad. They are worried about me, I can see it in how they look at me and how they watch me. I got invited to a sleep over in the boys room tonight, we will see. I know I will sleep terrible if I am down there. Cute though, very cute. I made tortilla pizzas for dinner and some brussel sprouts and spinach to give me a balanced diet, but mostly cause I did not want them to go bad in the fridge. 

 

One of my friends called and we had a good talk. We talked about how he was surprised that something like this could happen to us. I told him that he should not be surprised, most people have issues, you just don't hear about it very often. He could tell I was frustrated and overwhelmed, we talked and it was good to get some of it out. I am not frustrated at 'Jane' at all. I have no ill feelings towards her. I cry to know that she is in the struggle for her life right now and I cannot be there with her. I am frustrated that this eating disorder did this to her and I could not be part of the struggle over the years. I wonder what struggles that I have that I have not let 'Jane' in on. I will have to think about that one. 'Jane' called and it was great to hear from her. My mood instantly perked up and I felt like those days when we were dating and we talked on the phone a little bit. She never was much of a phone talker, kind of got to the point. She had a good day, but hard day. She felt overwhelmed all day, she initially thought that this would be a six week process, but she is coming to the realization that her disorder is serious and there will not be a quick fix. I am guessing four months. I think I was feeling her overwhelming feelings at the same time. At least we can both understand that feeling! The food is hurting her. They cut the calories in half to try to comfort her but she is struggling. She told me that she was starting to realize the effect that the ED has had on her entire life. She said that it has effected every part of her life. I will be curious to see what she means. I have noticed as I was cleaning the house the last couple days that there are food magazines everywhere! She has hundreds of them. She loves to read about food! I also noticed that she has a lot of exercise magazines too. It must be such a hell to love something so much that you have to suppress it with something you hate, she never did like exercising. I have not got rid of anything yet, the elliptical gives me the evil eye every time I walk by it. It might have to meet my AR-15 one day. But 'Jane's' choice, not mine. But if he so much as threatens me I will take him out:) 'Jane' made the comment that she feels like she has missed out on so much of life. She said ' we have been drinking skim milk when we could have had whole'. I completely understand. Which is funny, I always buy whole milk, she always buys skim, but that is not what she was talking about. I would not say that we had bad marriage, I would say that we have not been having a great marriage. It hit me hard this summer. We were at our friends for a weekend and we had just gotten the kids to bed. We were sitting in the living room with Michelle and Mike walked in, scooped Michelle off the couch into his arms and sat down on the couch holding her like a baby. They flirted with each other for a minute and laughed and then he put her down. I watched and realized that we no longer had that playful flirtatious spirit. I wanted that back so bad at that moment. But it had left a long time ago. I could easily blame it on 'Jane', but that would be unfair. She does not like to be touched but I could have found a way to do it where she would respond, but it was just too hard so I kind of gave up. I want that back. I want have those time where I chase her around the house, her running away from me and we end up on the bed holding each other like we were newly weds. I realize that we have a lot of kids now, and our life has been BUSY! but we are coming into a new time period where we have a lot more time with one another.  I just want to be close to her again, I don't want to feel like we are just friends with occasional benefits sharing kids. I want to be madly in love and have it hard to leave to go to work and be so excited to come home. Real life won't allow that every day, but I want  to find a good balance. There were days I went to work and I wondered why 'Jane' did not like me anymore. That was really hard. I really struggled. But I could have done more, I could have called her more while I was working or sent her an occasional text. I just did not know. I am just now figuring these things out over the last six months, which was probably not the best time to be figuring it out. She was in a dark place. I finally came to a realization  towards the end of summer that is was not about me. Something was wrong and it had nothing to do with me. I did not know it would be to this depth, but I knew something was coming. She told me tonight that she is really trying hard. One thing I know about 'Jane' is that she is stubborn and if she is trying hard, then I know she will be successful. I believe in her, I can't wait to see her in a few weeks.

One of my happy memories of 'Jane' was when we were dating. I wanted to go for a evening walk. Were out in the country and the moon was out. We had been dating a month or so. She got all bundled up and we went north down the road from her house. She was so beautiful. I could not believe that we were dating and I had a real girlfriend, first time in my life! I remember walking with her, holding hands and we were talking about our day and we went about a half mile and stopped and kissed for a few minutes, then we turned around and walked back. I love that moment with her. She was my girl right then I loved that stroll. I don't remember the specific of what we talked about, but I still can remember how I felt about her that night. I was in love. And I still am.... love my girl.

C-Section on a cow and Sasquatch

This has nothing to do with eating disorders, but enjoy!

So about a few months ago, a friend of mine, 'Jim', called me one afternoon and asked if I would come help him with a  cow that had fallen down a cliff up in the mountains that afternoon and broke its legs. I said that I would help him and he showed up to my house that night at 11:32. There was a gentle snow falling and it was awfully cold. He had his four year old little boy with him and this little guy told me all the way up to the hills about the tv shows he had been watching about big foot. Needless to say, we were all creeped out by the time we arrived in the valley. We parked the truck on the side of the dirt road and grabbed our flashlights and headlamps and trudged through the forest to find the wounded cow. We found her, painfully lying  in the snow. Her big black eyes whispered sorrow to my soul. We assessed the situation for a few moments and then 'Jim' pulled out his AR-15 and put the laser sight right on the forehead of this old gal and pulled the trigger. She immediately slumped over and starting kicking her legs. 'Jim' jumped into action, pulling his knife from his scabbard and cut into her belly as she was thrashing around. I grabbed her legs to try to steady the convulsing body. He cut her up high, searching for the womb and the unborn calf which awaited inside. He cut into the stomach instead. 30 seconds had gone by, the cow was thrashing slowly now, 45 seconds... still no womb. Another 35 seconds of cutting and searching and finally he finds a large bag of amniotic fluid. He cuts quickly but carefully into the large, liquid filled bag and a leg of a small black calf comes shooting out. He grabbed a hold of the little hoof and pulled the calf out as quickly as he can. The calf is not moving. It just lays there. 'Jim' is worried, not having ever performed a C-section before. He grabs the back legs of the little calf and starting twirling it around in circles just like we would do to one of our chillens at play time, trying to empty the airways of any fluid. He stops. He watches the calf for a second to see if there is any movement. Nothing. The calf is still. He grabs the small head of the little calf and clamps the mouth shut with his hands while placing his entire mouth over the nostrils of the wee little cow and gives the calf a large gust of air. Cow CPR at its finest. Now remember, this calf just came out of its mothers body, it is slimy and wet. As 'Jim' blows in, the calf decides it is a good time to push the fluid out and start breathing, filling 'Jim's' mouth full of a slimy, slobbery goo that 'Jim' quickly spits out on to my pants as I am standing there watching. The cow takes a deep breath in and then stops. Nothing happens. 'Jim' again places his mouth over the nose of the calf and breaths in. This time the cow takes the breath and exhales it shortly thereafter. The cow is alive. It begins to move. 'Jim' rips off his coat and we pick up the calf and set it on the coat that we have spread out. We both pick of the jacket and run with the calf to the truck. We make it and gently slide the calf on the floor of the pickup and start the truck and get the heat going. 'Jim' rubs the little cow down and gets him dried off and warm. He makes little cow noises, moo moo here and a moo moo there. Having stabilized the calf we go back to the task of getting the dead momma cow to the truck. Cows are huge, twice the size of a elk. Harder to gut than anything I have ever worked on. We had a piece of plywood in the trailer and a fourwheeler. We get the cow on the plywood and fashion a tow strap to the wood, building a makeshift sled. Tie downs are used to secure the cow to the board and we spend the next hour pulling the cow through the snow, cutting down brush and small trees to make a trail and then load the cow into the horse trailer. Doors shut, cow and four wheeler are loaded. Little guy is still yacking about Sasqatch. I am getting ready to drink  a Coke. We head back to town, it is 5:13 am. 'Jim' drives on both sides of the highway, I keep yacking to keep him awake, ready to grab the steering wheel at a moments notice. Small little mooing calf is at my feet, celebrating his birth with a celebratory drive in the truck listening to classic George Straight. We arrive at my friend's heated shop hoist the cow into the air with his engine hoist. I grab my knife and proceed to clean the entrails out of the cow. Covered in blood and tired, I get my truck and drop the cow onto my trailer, getting home at 7:15, just in time to tell the kids good bye as they climb on the bus for the day. Shower is taken, breakfast is ate, and off to work for the day with dear old pa. Calf is still alive, I asked 'Jim' later on what the mucus tasted like as it fill his mouth. His reply was, "It tasted like a $1000."  That is what the little cow will fetch at auction in a year.

Day two.... in the trenches with super girl

Day two, come and gone. I woke up this morning and I had slept all night. I was so tired from the last two days. It was emotionally exhausting. I had so many phone calls yesterday from friends and family. They all want to talk and offer help. I feel so blessed for the support that we have. I wish 'Jane' knew how many people loved and cared for her. I cried a good portion of the morning, not out of sorrow, but just our of love for my wife, friends, family and my Savior Jesus Christ. We are surrounded by so many good people. 'Jane's' friends, ..........and ..........., came by and brought a loaf of cinnamon bread which we had for our after school snack. They are great. They were so kind to keep their emotions in check, I knew they could cry very easily, but they did not, and I know if they did, so would I. We chatted, they offered to come clean and do laundry and watch kids. I asked them if I could do their laundry first which they flatly said no. That is how I feel too. Haha. I can do my own laundry. I am sure I will need help with the kids and I know I could call either of them and they would help in a moments notice. So they are not just 'Jane's' friends now, they are 'our' friends now.


I got up and made French toast for the kids, had scripture study and did hair. My hair skills are terrible. I have told numerous women at church that if I walk into church and my girl's hair is a mess, I would not be offended if they took them in the bathroom and fixed their hair real fast. After the kids got on the bus, I looked at my four year old daughter and told her I was so tired and going back to bed. She did not argue. She was excited to have her own side of the bed and she started snoring instantly, with me close behind. We slept for an hour and a half and finally woke up. I had to fart so I did, my little girl asked me why I did not tell her sorry for farting. haha. Love that girl. Her and i did a bit of computer work after that and got dressed. I talked her into wearing her Super Girl outfit because I love it so much. We got in my big truck and headed to town. We listened to silly kids songs the whole way which she loved. We stopped at the thrift store to drop some clothes off. She did not want to go because of the volcano??? I could not figure it our until we discussed it length and she thought the thrift store and Hawaii were the same place??? not sure how that one came together, they don't even sound the same. We stopped at the hotel, everything was well. My little girl ran down the halls in her super girl outfit. She had to use the bathroom and she sang the whole time she was in there about going potty, our guests raised their eyebrows at that one. We went to get the oil changed and then Sam's club. We were sitting there eating our hot dogs and cheerios (It took me all morning to figure out why she wanted cheerios, it was a churro she wanted!) drinking our soda when I saw my sister in law. She saw us and came over. She had the twins and they were both in their superman shirts. It was so cute, I got a picture of the three of them together. She offered to help in anything we needed, I have always liked her, she is such a sweet, great person. As we were walking out, a lady from our church was walking in. She saw us and threw her arms around me, eyes glistening. She also offered help in anyway and said she was praying for 'Jane'. We stopped at Walmart and then back to the hotel. Went to the bank and post office and then home.

 Got home just in time for the kids to get off the bus. They ran to the front door and it was so good to hug them and hold them for a minute. We had tator tots for snack and then a couple of the kids and I took the dogs for a walk out in the field and fed the horses. Dinner was leftover soup, baths were had, books were read and teeth were brushed. As we closed the day, we knelt around our prayer table and my six year old daughter said the prayer. Just before dinner, the kids were talking about mom, and my 11 year old son said, 'you made the right choice'. I told them that they should draw mom a picture of the Grinch (The Grinch says that right as he sits down in a little car and the people jump out right before he would have sat on them) and write that on the paper. We all laughed and thought that it was funny and they said they were going to do that for mom. So during our prayer, my little girl thanked Heavenly Father that mom made the right choice... the prayer erupted into laughs and giggles and we had to cut it short. What a blessed man I am. I love my kids, I love my wife. It was hard this morning, I got our of bed and I really missed having my wife here. I could feel a little depression come on and I knew I needed to go do something. Hanging out with my baby girl all day and being with my kids tonight was the best antidepressant. They make me happy. 'Jane' makes me happy. Love that girl. The highlight of my day and the kids day was when she called home. She sounded good, I think she sounds better than she actually is. But I can tell she is trying, and struggling, but trying the best she can. She will conquer this and be so much stronger in the future. Love my girl.....

The long drive... the tears... my wife had to leave us

So it is after 2 am, I am sitting in my house. It has been a difficult day. And all I want to do is write. I don't know where I became such a writer, I just sit down and tap away on the key board.

A few weeks ago, I told my wife that my life was like a graph. The jagged line bouncing from point to point, seemingly to stop for a moment then jumping to the next dot. I told her that we were about ready to make another dot. And no, we are not pregnant. That is not what I am referring to when I say that are going to make a dot! I just felt that a life changing experience was around the corner and that our line was about to either jump up, or fall down. The dot has been marked, I do not know which way the line goes from here.

This morning I loaded my amazing wife, into our minivan and headed away from our little kids. She was nervous. I wanted to talk. She wanted to text. I wanted to talk. She wanted to look out the window. I still wanted to talk. Halfway to there, she started to talk. We talked about the amazing 14 years together, the ups and the downs, the turns and the bumps. We talked about how sweet our kids are and how much we loved them. We talked about how much we loved each other. We talked about what our future held. That is where it got a little more blurry, a little more undefined. I want to have a wife that is happy, she wants to be a wife that is fun. I want to be friendly with everyone, she wants to learn to be more friendly. I want to grow old with her, she wants to grow old with me. We have the same goals, the same love of family, and the same love for God and Christ. But 'Jane' is really sick, and this whole conversation involves a lot of crying and struggling to get through words. I want to help her, but I can't. I don't understand, and I cry as write this. I can do nothing for her. I am at a loss. She is in a hell that I cannot fathom and I don't know how she got in there, and I don't have the expertise to get her out. She knows that she is in this hell, and she does not know how to get out. The eating disorder has captured free agency, and he has just about got her life. She weighs 84 lbs now.

Last week, the doctor said she had days or weeks to live if we don't do anything. I wept in the doctors office last Tuesday as they pull up her sleeve to check her blood pressure and they had to leave the room to get a child's cuff as the adult cuff is too big. I hold back my emotions as they cannot read her blood oxygen sensor on the end of her finger because her hands are too cold. I am crying as they try to get blood out of her arm but cannot get the needle in any of her veins because they are too shrunken, once they do find blood, it is only a small amount and body won't give anymore. Dr. wants her in the hospital to get nutrients, she refuses. He tells her that she has a 50/50 chance of dying in the next month if she does not get into a care facility that specializes in eating disorders.

All the while, I don't have good insurance. I have a $20,000 deductible, it does not cover mental health. I fear that she is going to get the flu on Saturday before New Year's Eve. She is getting sick and she does not have the strength to be sick. Money wise, if she goes in on Monday and runs up a $20,000 bill at the hospital and is still in on New Year's day, I could be paying $40,000 in the next week on symptoms of a illness, not the cause thereof. I pray that she will stay healthy until the new insurance I have been trying to get turned on will take effect which will cover all the mental and physical issues. The Lord hears my plea and we make it to Jan 1 with out any hospital visits and I sigh in relief.

Everything starts falling in to place. People feel inspired to talk to 'Jane', prayers are offered, concerns start to grow. My brother has a frank discussion with 'Jane' and tells her what is going to befall her in the coming months if she does not get help. I feel some movement in her, small, but movement none the less. Her stubbornness is easing, we are talking more. She is getting nervous. This all goes on and she continues eating only 200 calories a day, taking diet pills, and exercising 2-3 hours a day. She cannot stop. I cannot stop her. My heart breaks every time I walk in the room and she is doing sit ups, or lunges, or running in place. I see her choosing to not eat and to over exercise  and death, over me and the six kids we love. I am mad, I am angry and it only pushes her further away from me, driving her to eat less and exercise more. Part of me wants to leave her alone and let justice take its toll, the other part wants to grab her and hug her and take away her addiction. I cannot explain the hear break or the explain the sorrow I have felt over this past month. I have been married to a girl I love and she would never let me into the hell she has experienced. I was working and raising kids and serving in the church but I could not discover her greatest battle, nor would she let me in even if I asked. We would talk about people who had eating disorder or mental illnesses  and I would take a hard line stance on both issues. What did they do to bring this on? Who would want to look like a holocaust victim and not eat? They look terrible! Just be happy, square your shoulders and serve others! Why would she choose to not eat and die, how could she do that to her family? I said all this things, all while my wife who was struggling with all of these issues was sitting right next to me, listening and remembering my hard line stance. Never wanting to share her biggest secret because of fear of how I would react. I wish I could take everyone of those statements back. It would have saved her a lot of anguish in her soul and I was so wrong.

On Sunday, I fasted and prayed with many others for my wife. I did not know what to expect. I did not want my wife to go to church. She has been sick and we had not seen the other church members  recently and I was worried about how our friends would react to her gaunt look. I was sure rumors would fly. In our church, once a month we have the opportunity to go in front of the congregation and share some of our feels towards God. My daughter wanted to share but only if I did. I felt like I had control of my emotions, so I went to the pulpit. I bore testimony of the mercy of Christ, of the passing of my grandma, and how God would be the Judge. He will take all things into account. I don't have to Judge, He will take care of it. Everything was going well, my words were well placed and I was in control. And then the emotions hit. I have never wanted to run off the stand so bad, like Napoleon Dynamite (it is a movie, I watch it when I am down, weird, but funny!) when he is done dancing. I even pictured Napoleon running off the stand, awkwardly leaving a wondering congregation behind. My lips quivered. I was shaking. I was seconds from having a full on bawl in front of hundreds. I kept it together and stood there for about two minutes saying nothing. I gathered my wits and bore testimony that Christ will always be with us, even in our darkest hour. I closed and sat down. All eyes followed me to my seat, wondering what got me all worked up, it couldn't be his deceased grandma, he even said he did not know her that well. My eight year old daughter got up, and was so cute and confident. Minutes go by and 'Jane' stands up. She does not do this very often, its kind of a big deal. Poised and collected, she stands and the pulpit and for 6 or so minutes, she bears an amazing and solemn testimony of the Savior's love for her. Eyes are being wiped all around me, something is up with the us and everyone knows it. Is it cancer, drugs, terminal disease? 'Jane' looks sick, she cannot hide it. I am a mess, tears flow. Now everyone knows something is really up. The meeting ends, everyone cautiously looks at us, only a few venture to question us, vauge answers are given. The nurses in the ward know, they have seen the haunted gaunt look of anorexia too many times. 'Jane' knows what needs to happen now, I do as well. The decision has been taken out of hands and there is only one option. It is drastic, it is sad, it heart breaking and it the hardest thing we have ever had to do. We will separate for awhile.

Monday rolls around. It is a huge day for us. If everything lines up perfectly, we will know our next move. 'Jane' has a interview with a counselor to get some info. It goes good, but really it goes bad. The counselor is worried about the physical and mental state of 'Jane' so it should be easy to get her help. She also knows that 'Jane' is the mother of 6 little ones, not only could she lose her life, but it will affect a whole batch of kids. The insurance clicks on at 11am, $6350 out of pocket, $300 per month. Everything that is medically needed for both body and mind will be covered. The counselor calls back and says that she is convinced that we need to move fast. 'Jane's' legs are both numb, her mouth is numb, her lips are numb. Preapprovals are given by the insurance company and we are good for Tuesday morning.

I am out of town on Monday, there is a lot of snow. I remove it off the properties I maintain as fast as I can. In the process, I see a burning house with flames shooting our of the chimney. I stop and tell them to get out of the home and call 911. I plow two other driveways for people who have no equipment. I get paid with a perfectly aged raw steak. I love the West. I talk and cry to friends all the way home. Joel Osteem keeps me motivated on the radio. 'I can do this, I can do this' rings in my ears in the sweet voice of mother. I come home to a doubting wife. 'I am not sick' she says. I knew this was coming. I convince her that she is. She is not sure if she agrees. I shower and put some nice clothes on. I gather the kids and 'Jane' together and we sing 'I am a Child of God' and 'Families can be Together Forever'. My kids have no idea what is about to hit them, they think it is just another family home evening. We say a prayer. I start to talk and tell them that their mom is really sick. She needs help but we cannot get it here. She needs to leave for 3-6 months. My oldest sons face goes blank, then melts into a wave of tears with uncontrollable sobbing. Then the second oldest. Then the girls. My youngest son's reaction is different, he just folds his arms and smiles and says, 'this is weird.' My four year old continues to run around on the slick floor and slide are her slippery jammies. I tell the kids that this is not a decision we take lightly,  we have fasted and prayed and this is our only option. I tell them that we can either say good bye to mom for a few months or for a very long time. Only the boys understand. Our bishop comes over to help me give blessings. I am not sure I can get through a blessing on 'Jane'. I think that my emotions are rung out, like a wash cloth that has been rung out too many times. I place my hands on her head and the revelation flows. So do my tears. And my snot. I bless her with fortitude, strength, love, faith and healing. I picture Christ with His hands on her head. There are cries and sobs ringing through the room from our six little kids. I finish and I ask if any of them would like a blessing, four of them say yes and tender, sweet blessings are given. Simple, but powerful. We finish with the Bishop blessing me, I need it more than ever. This new endeavor will be my hardest, sweetest, strongest and most challenging, but I have no choice. It is being dealt to me and I feel alone in so many ways but, so loved in so many more. My tears flow more free then before, I know that I will get through this one way or the other. The eternities have been written, covenants have been made,  and what ever comes, I will accept. The blessing ends and my baby loses it, she is crying uncontrollably. I have three kids in my arms, 'Jane' has two. She is bawling, I am bawling, the kids are bawling. Except my youngest son, he just sits there, arms folded, wide smile across his face. The Bishop goes over to him and sits next to him on the couch and puts his arm around him and gives him a gentle squeeze. Two small tears come out. We will take what we can get. I know he is sad, he just deals with it different than the rest of this sobbing bunch. We hug and cry. My daughter won't stop. I decide that we should pray as a family before the Bishop leaves and we kneel around our octagon table, all holding each others hands  in the middle. I ask my oldest to say it and he agrees. He starts strong, but it gets to be more of a yell as he tries to get his words out in between his cries. He prays for his mother like she really needs it, because she does. He closes with a muffled amen and we all hug around the table for another ten minutes. The bishop leaves and I tell the kids to cry it out, because tomorrow we have to be strong. Our mom needs us to have happy faces, reassuring hugs and confident smiles. They agree and we hug some more before we go to bed. This has been the most tender moment of my life.

Tuesday morning I am in my office at 5 am finishing up some work orders.  A little head with messed up hair pokes around the corner, my little girl is awake. I asked her how she slept and she says 'good'. I ask her how she is feeling and she says 'Good, but not really. My heart hurts and I am sad. But I am not going to cry for mommy. I will be brave.' I smile and wonder how I got such a sweet little girl. I tell her that she should go snuggle with mommy one last time and she says, ' I want to, but I know she is really tired and I don't want to wake her up when I am moving around. She needs her sleep.' I assure her that mommy is most likely awake and I know she would love one last snuggle. She bounces off my lap and finds refuge in her mom's arms.

We drop the kids off to school, and we are back to where I started. I drive 'Jane' down to the Center. The closer we get, the more nervous she is. This is now becoming real. We arrive at the hospital and we sit in the car for a minute. Our lives will never be the same and we are both going to be changed forever. We go inside. We are welcomed and taken through the hallways to 'Jane's' new room in the intensive care eating disorder unit. We walk through the cafeteria during lunch and I recognize the same haunted gaunt look on the faces of the 50 women in the room. I woke up to that same look over the last few months. I am very somber, I realize the magnitude and complexity of the sickness that affects my wife so deeply. I want to hold her but I realize that we are too late for that, I can do nothing and I must now hand her over to others. I want to cry but I want to be strong, she needs a comforting and confident husband right now, she wants to run outside and never come back. We admit her, sign all the papers, one last hug and kiss and I say good bye, trusting her to the expertise of the doctors and nurses and to God, knowing that I did everything in my power to help her.

You may judge 'Jane', I have done it many times, but only Christ knows her heart and mind. I know that it is pure. I don't know the 'why' or 'how'. It just is. And whatever may come, we will embrace, doing our best along the way. Thank you for your thoughts, fasting and prayers. This is not is not the end, nor is it the beginning. It is just part of the journey that she will be on for the rest of her life. Love her, don't treat her any different. She will come out of this kinder, friendlier and more confident. I will come out of this with more compassion and understanding for those who feel the pains of sorrow from mental anguish and a love for my wife that will be stronger than ever. Pray for us. Pray for 'Jane'. If there was ever a time she needed strength from God, it is now. He lives, I know He does.

My wife is dying...

 

A new year, new challenges, new blessings. I am emotional this morning. 'Jane' is not well. I wish that I could write that she has improved but I cannot. She has gotten worse. We went to the doctor the other day in town for a check up and it was heart breaking. The blood pressure cuff could not get a reading as it was too large, they had to put a child cuff on her. Her weight was 84 pounds and she is 5'8". It took the nurse 20 minutes to draw a small amount of blood, her veins were just too small. My wife is dying. I sat in the small room in tears, there is nothing I can do. This is the saddest time of my life. I can do nothing for her other than to hold her and talk to here when she wants to talk. Tomorrow morning she has a phone interview with a counselor at the Center, they are going to assess her current condition. I am in the process of getting new insurance turned on. If the insurance can get turned on tomorrow and if it will pay for a majority of the care, I will take her down on Tuesday to the Center and I will drop her off. It will be months before she returns home. I will be here with the kids and will go down there as much as I can. This is the last chance to get things turned around. I don't know how we got here. I just don't have any other options anymore. It is either do this or bury her in the coming months. I asked Dr. what the outcome would be if I did not take her down to the Center, he said that it was a 50/50 chance whether or not she would be a alive a few months. Not good odds. I have come to terms with this emotionally I think. I am not mad. I am not angry. I am extremely heartbroken. I realize the magnitude of the decisions that we will both be making in the coming days and weeks. My life is going to, or I should say, has changed forever this past month. It will never be the same. I told 'Jane' a few weeks ago that I had a feeling that on the graph of life, I was about ready to mark a new point. A pivotal point in our live that would change us forever. That point is coming. I just don't know what it is yet. It is either a point of hope, life continues on, or a point of death and I continue on as a single dad with six little children to care for. I have had no confirmations on either, just that in the eternal scheme of things, everything will work out. That is a tough thought to swallow. I can neither change nor influence either outcome. I am a bystander watching the fate of my wife on the sidelines as she fights the battles in her head on her own. I love her so much. I cannot express that enough to her. But after all the words are spoken, she is left to herself and I can only pray that God will comfort and strengthen her. We are fasting as a family today for her. We should know Monday or Tuesday as what will happen next. Dr. wanted her to go the hospital and get some IV's running. I am afraid that a trip to the hospital is in our near future if I cannot get her into the facility in ...... at the beginning of the week. My brother has been a great help to me. He came over the other night and had a frank conversation with 'Jane'.  I feel like a downtrodden man. Everything I thought or planned is now gone, we are faced with challenges that only other people go through, not us. It is here, at our door. And the consequences of a wrong decision could have eternal consequences. I don't know how the kids are going to react. I can only imagine the confusion and the sympathy for their mom that will go through there fragile minds in the coming days, weeks and months. I pray the Lord will give me a resolve to be able to do whatever is required of me in the coming days ahead. This will be the most difficult period of my life up to this point. I hope that I have built a strong enough reservoir of fortitude to get me through the struggles ahead.

My hard line approach....

 

My love......

Yesterday was an emotionally exhausting day for me. I went into it with great hope, and hesitation, but left it feeling like it did us more harm than good. It made me realize that we are not on the same page. I have felt over the last month, that we have been able to connect better than we ever have, but now I feel like that connection is frusterated. Your hard line approach does not feel like a safe place for me. I am scared to death. I have never felt more afraid of anything in my entire life. I feel all alone. My body is going through some major changes, and I have no one to talk to. You will never understand what causes me to act the way I do, and that is ok, but I need you to try to understand that I am giving this my all. I am doing absotutely everything in my power to have a positive outcome. I love you. I need you. Please read this talk, and pray that Heavenly Father will buy us enough time to work through this.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

Love,

'Jane'

Death

 

Last Sunday morning, 'Jane' was up before the rest of us reading her scriptures. As she was sitting there, the Spirit whispered to her that we needed to go down and visit my grandma that evening. So after church, we loaded up the kids and drove down to town, to visit her. My Aunt was in the room as we walked in. My grandma looked good, swollen but healthy. We sat and chatted with her for a bit and then we went downstairs to the piano room so the kids could play some songs for her. We had a nice visit. I could tell that she had lost her mind more, she was complaining to me that her husband had taken away her car and she wanted it back but he would not give it to her. Her husband has been dead for a few years. We told her goodbye, she kissed us and hugged us. As I was sitting on the couch, the thought came to be that this would be the last time I saw her in this life. We left and the next morning, 'Jane' went down with our baby girl and they bought a little Christmas tree and some decorations to decorate her apartment. 'Jane' left in the late morning and I was sitting at my parent's house chatting when they got the call that she was not doing well. She died the next day. I was grateful for 'Jane' being receptive to the prompting, as I am glad that we got to visit one last time before she left this mortality.

Last night we had a family dinner and memorial service at my parents house. It was fun to hear all the memories from her kids and grand kids. But in all honesty, it was sad. There were a lot of pictures of Grandpa and her together as a young couple. The biggest sorrow in the whole story is what could have been. Rather than sitting around with  30 family members or so, we could have been sitting around with hundreds of family members, friends and aquaintences. But that is not what she had in her life. Very few friends and estranged family members. I wish grandma's life history was recorded somewhere but she never wanted to talk about her past. From what I know, her mother died when she was a baby. Her father tried to take care of her but was an alcoholic and he eventually left her in care of the state where she was transferred from foster home to foster home. She was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused. During her teenage years, she was taken in by Grandpa's family, his sisters had become friends with Grandma and they let her come live with them. Over time they fell in love and were married, later on sealed in the temple. They had four kids. My dad recounts as a little boy that his mother liked to talk to other men, and was flirtatious. When my dad was 16, his parents pulled him into a bedroom and told him that they were getting divorced and that he and his brother would live with grandpa and the sisters would go with grandma. My dad has never spoken of this before, he is very emotional about it. At this time, they were living in Seattle and from that time on, the family was broken into two. A few years back, Grandpa pulled me aside and wanted to talk to me. I was involved with a business partner on a land development project. Grandpa told me of a time when he had quit his job and had started a construction business with a partner. They had a small building that they were using as an office and they had two separate offices. One day the phone rang and grandpa picked up, only to have his partner pick up the phone first and start conversing with the woman on the line. Grandpa stayed on the line and listened to the conversation, as he quickly realized that the woman on the other line was his wife. Grandpa told me that it became evident from the beginning of the conversation that there was an affair going on. Grandpa was devastated. His purpose in telling me this story was to convince me to not go into business with dishonest men. Though that was a valid point, my heart ached for grandpa, realizing the great sadness that must have entered his life. My brother told a story last night, and I vaguely remember hearing it before, not sure from Grandpa or my brother, but at this time, Grandpa got a job on a high rise building or tall bridge. He told of how he would walk the beams without any ropes, not caring if he fell or not, his life did not matter to him anymore. So they separated and both took two children and went their separate ways. Grandpa quickly met a new gal who was raising a little boy on her own, and they were engaged six months after the separation. My aunt told us last night Grandma had decided that she had made a huge mistake. She gathered the girls up and was going to go find grandpa and try to get back together, but before they left, she got the mail and grandpa had sent a wedding announcement and was engaged. Grandma was devastated. She realized the magnitude of her mistakes and had lived with that regret her whole life. I think that grandpa never got over her completely. He was heart broken and he would always tell me and my brother to go and visit our grandma and to take care of her. Even in her last months of life, money depleted and needing care, grandpa helped pay for her apartment and care givers.

I guess I could cast judgment on grandma. But I think she did that to herself over the years, I think she regretted her mistakes up until the day she died. It could have been so different. But the choices she made as a young mother and wife were never able to be reversed in full. That is hell in itself, knowing what she could have had but giving it up and never being able to have it back. So with sorrow I say goodbye to my grandma, grateful that Savior of the world is merciful judge. I cannot cast a judgment onto her, I have my own issues that take all my judgement casting time. Grandma was great though, she cared for us, loved us, and took care of us growing up. The Lord will take into account her sufferings as a youth and will give her a judgement of mercy.

 I know that all of us will one day stand before judgment seat of God and realize how sinful we were. All have fallen short and all rely on mercy to overcome the justice of our sins. When we realize the full magnitude of the mistakes of our lives, we will look around and then the full magnitude of the Atonement will come into focus, as the Savior of the world, even Jesus Christ will step forward and extend his merciful grace onto us and welcome us into his kingdom. It is amazing how a person cannot comprehend the graces of God until we are in a time of need. We don't have a full appreciation for warm sunshine and green grass until we spend some time on frozen ground with the wind howling around us. Or we don't realize how good our life is until the trials come and it appears that there is no limit to the sorry we are experiencing. I didn't realize how grateful I was for the resurrection until we went to the funeral of 'Jane's' cousin's little boy that fell out of the back of a truck and died instantly. As we stood by the grave and I saw a husband and wife, two little boys a little sister all huddled there in the wind, looking into a hole in the ground where they would soon place the coffin of a son and a brother, then the full ramifications of the how great the resurrection came into my mind a little clearer. This week, a family in our stake, had their 18 year daughter die unexpectedly after having a seizure. Once again, the power of the resurrection and the importance of it is witnessed to me again. Now when I see the struggles that 'Jane' is going through, I realize how tender the mercies are of a loving Heavenly Father are, He will heal, He will help, and He will save. The Atonement is real, and one day I will look into the eyes of my Savior, and He will see the pleading in mine, and he will save me in the truest sense. And I will be forever indebted to him, and will worship him as the Savior that he is. I had a good week, 'Jane' and I had some good talks. I am trying to understand her more. I am trying to be kinder. I realize that I am not in control, and that is difficult for me.

My brothers and I went snowmobiling on Friday. As I stood on top of the mountain overlooking the whole area, the thought came to me that everything was going to be okay. I wish I knew what okay was, because I have a vivid imagination and there is always an okay in the long run, it is those short term crisis that I worry about. I know that God will watch over me, I know that whatever turn my life takes I will be able to stand up to it. I know that I am not in control of the big picture but am at the mercy of God, and the frailties of life. I will be who He wants me to be when He wants me to be it. That is a hard statement to make, because the ramifications can be lonely and sad, but they will also always be glorious and amazing in the end.

So now I am rambling, never thought I would a be rambling journal writer. But is helps me to feel better when I write things down, it is almost as if my frustrations and disappointments are left on the pages when I am done and I get to start fresh again.

Discovery...

December 7, 2014

So 'Jane' and I had a heart to heart conversation the other night. She is not one to share her feelings so it was a first in our marriage to discuss issues of emotion and mental health. She acknowledged to me that she has a eating disorder and has had it ever since she was a little girl. I had know idea. It caught me off guard and I am still trying to process it in my head. She has been losing weight these past few months, and I figured it was because everything she ate was making her sick, not because she was suffering through a mental illness. We talked and cried for any hour. I feel like I am a terrible husband. I just did not know, you would think that after 14 years of knowing someone, especially my wife, that I would know or figure out these things. It took my brother having a heart to heart with me in the mountains, telling me that my wife was not well and she probably had a eating disorder for me to realize and acknowledge it. I am sad about it for a few reasons. I am sad that she could not confide in me as her husband, making me aware of what she has been facing all these years. I should have been there for her, a long time ago. I am not mad about this, and if there is any forgiveness needed from me, it is done, had I been in her shoes, I would not wanted anyone to know that I was struggling. I am more sad and fearful where the story goes from here. When we were married, we covenanted with God, and each other, and began a life with one another. We become one. There are no room for secrets. Sure, I have made mistakes in the past that I am not proud of and have not mentioned to anyone, but everyone has. But they don't affect me on a daily basis. They are over and repented for. But now, as a married couple, we walk the path of our lives together. What I do, directly affects 'Jane' and the kids, and what she does, directly affects me and the kids. But what I have found over the past years, is that we have a wedge that has come between us. I never knew what it was, we never talked about it. It just happened. I could feel it and I am sure 'Jane' could feel it as well. We are still in love, but we have not had the emotional connection that we enjoyed in our newly wed years. I realize that the daily commotion of life has a wear on relationships, we are not the same people now that we were 14 years ago, we now have plethora of children around us, constantly requiring food, attention and time. But I do miss what we use to have. I see that we have come to a fork in this road of life. There are two paths, one where 'Jane' cannot overcome her anorexia and she continues to lose weight and her health starts to fail worse than it is. This course leads to hospitals, counseling and drugs, and can eventually lead to her dying at a early age. It leaves a path of children who don't understand, and a husband who sees a wife that has chosen starvation over him and their children. This path gets even more sorrowful as at some point I have to put the welfare of my children over the welfare of my wife, in which I am forced to go down a separate path of that of 'Jane'. The other path is were 'Jane' fights through this and makes the difficult decisions that puts her life and body back into order. This a path were we walk together the whole way and we support each other as a family and as a couple and get back to a point where we are both made whole again. It is not easy, 20 years of struggling with a mental illness does not get corrected over night. It takes a lifetime of struggling and correcting. This is what I want. I suppose there is a third path, that where 'Jane' is miraculously healed and becomes better right now, but I don't think that is an option in this case. We reap what we sow, or what has been sown. The reasoning behind what has gotten her into this situation does not matter to me, there is always blame to be cast and accusations to be made. But in the end, we are human, we do and say stupid things, not realizing the long lasting ramifications that will be had. I don't think any less of 'Jane', in fact, I love her more, knowing that she has been strong and struggled through this all these years. I am sorrowful that she did not include me in her struggles, as I am sure she would be sorrowful had our roles been reversed. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe it is not as big of deal as I am making it out to be. I just have never planned on going through this, so it has blindsided me these last couple of days. I have planned for everything imaginable. I have two years supply of food, money and fuel. I run through my mind weekly what I would do if the economy were to fail, what I would do, how would I support our family and how would I react. I have planned for a day where we no longer had work, where I die early and leave a widow, or if my health renders me unable to work. I have planned for all of these worst case scenarios. But I never planned nor gave thought to this. It is completely out of my control, I can support 'Jane' and give her the resources she needs, but I cannot make the decisions for her. And I truly believe they are decisions. I have taught numerous times over the years, from the pulpit and in our classes, of the heartbreaking effect of addictions. I think this is an addiction, not an addiction to a substance or to a activity like viewing pornography, but an addiction to counting calories, standing on the scale, taking diet pills, and exercising. At some point, the choice was made to do these things. I don't judge her for getting to that point, not my judgement to make. But I am not blind, I see where those decisions that she is making will lead. I started out sad, then I woke the other morning, mad. I was mad that this had happened, I was mad that 'Jane' did not tell me what she was going through. Mad that I had no control over any of it. I was watching the kids that morning and I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably for five minutes. When that was over, I was not mad any more. And I don't want to be mad, I want 'Jane' to make the decisions that need to be made to be healthy and happy again. I want to be best friends again, share everything with each other and enjoy this life we have made together. I want to grow old together and see our kids go on missions and get married, and have grand babies. I want to enjoy traveling and being with friends. So now I just wait, see what happens and pray for the best.

My wife has a eating Disorder.....

How did this happen? I have asked myself this question for the last six months, non stop. I wake up wondering why this is, I go to sleep wondering what the next day will be like. Eating Disorders change everything, and I do mean everything. Once the disorder was discovered, it was devastating. Anorexia just sounds scary, but honestly, I had to go find my laptop to find out exactly what we were dealing with. With a quick google search and a few wiki articles, I knew enough to know that this was serious. I then searched the internet to find a blog or something from a husband of a wife who was dealing with an eating disorder. Nothing.... Men don't blog about eating disorders, fact is, I did not know that men blogged at all. It was always what my wife's friends did, bragging about their amazing kids or the vacations that they went on. No, in my world, men don't blog.

Let me give you a little back ground on me to give you an idea of where I am coming from. I grew up in the Northwest, I was a quiet kid. Had my fair share of mischief with my siblings. I was the good kid who loved to fix stuff. I remember being 10 years old and our electric can opener broke. I asked my mom if I could have it and I took it down to my bedroom and tore it apart, fixed it, and brought it back to my mom with a huge smile on my face. So I am a fixer, it is important to realize that as I go through the coming months of my life. I grew up in a loving family, dad went to work everyday, building homes and providing for his family. Eight kids was a lot, we were well known in our community for how many kids we had in the family. My mother stayed home with us, cooked us delicious food and wiped away tears when needed. We moved to the Rocky mountain west in my teenage years, I went from being an anomaly in my high school of being the only kid that went hunting or fishing, to fitting right in with dirt bike riding, mountain conquering, horse riding lifestyle of the West. And I loved it! We farmed 200 acres of alfalfa, working when the sun came up and not getting done till after it was dark. Those were the days that I loved, we would steal away in the afternoon and swim in the canals or fish in the rivers when it got hot. I was a tough guy, I remember sitting with my friends one day, next to a ant hill, seeing who could eat the most ants.... haha, weird I know. My dad taught me and my brother how to build homes. I spend many of my teenage days with a nail belt strapped around me, nailing 2x4's together. During my senior year in high school, my dad was building us a new house and he had me help him through out the school year. I was not going to go to college so I did not care if I missed a lot of school. I still managed to get almost straight A's but was not interested in going any further in my formal education. I remember walking into my English class at the end of the year and after asking the teacher a question, she looked at me and asked, "Are you in my class?" haha, I was not there a lot. So I graduated worked for a year, saved enough money to go on a LDS mission to Australia for two years. That was eye opening. It was also life changing, I went from being quiet and reserved to talkative and likeable. I knocked thousands of doors and talked to thousands of people on the streets of Australia for those two years. It was one of the best and hardest times of my life. I came home, got my hammer back out, bought a truck and began building homes again.

 I met the love of my life 'Jane' and we were married and started our life together. We were in love, I built us a little house we named the 'love shack' and we lived the American dream. Babies started to come, we struggled to provide, more babies came and we built our own amazingness. My days were spent pouring concrete and nailing wood together, my wife's days were spent wiping bums and wiping tears. We had it all. As life progressed, we made good financial decisions and the work got easier, to a point where most of my days were spent behind a computer, directing the work and spending time together as a family. We had it all, six amazing kids, a beautiful home, a stable career and a happy marriage. We bought 50 acres, had horses, chickens, a few dogs and a pond for the kids to play in and catch fish on hot summer days. I was madly in  love with my wife, amazed at the blessings God had given me in a short 14 years together. We were that family that everyone thinks has it together, kids were always clean and polite, husband and wife were always holding hands. We were living the dream.

Our world came crashing down though, it started gradually, my wife started to withdraw from me and the chilluns. Her health was not good and she never felt right. She did not look good, I figured she would get it figured out, she went to doctors and chiropractors, nature paths and specialists. Nothing came of  it, she started losing weight and becoming more depressed. I tried to talk to her but I was never good at being empathetic or understanding, I would offer a fix and move along, hoping that she would figure it out but knowing that there was underlying tension brewing. I noticed big differences in her daily life, she would check her weight constantly, eat very little, and what she did eat was weird. Lettuce with mustard, hashed turnips, salad with nothing on it. The kids noticed as well but we were all aloof to the what the issue was. In almost all cases of eating disorders, the husband is the last to know. It all came to a head on the day after Thanksgiving, my brother and I took my six kids, and his five, up to the mountains to cut a few Christmas trees down. He wanted to go for a short hike to find the perfect Christmas tree. We left the kids for a few minutes and started walking through the snow and started to talk. He is a EMT, he knows a little bit about sickness and health. He expressed his concern towards my wife's heath, I brushed it off, telling him she would figure it out. He boldly told me that she would not and that he was pretty sure she had a eating disorder. I argued that she did not and he told me to go home and ask her. I agreed, knowing deep down inside that he was right. Part of me wanted to ignore it, hoping it would go away. I went home that night, got the kids to bed, told my wife that we needed to talk. She knew why, we sat down in the living room and I asked to tell me what was going on. This was a hard moment on her, one of the most difficult of her life. Her secret of 20 years was about to come to light. And.... our lives would never be the same again.....

So now you know about me a little bit. I like to have fun, I like to explore, I love my family. I have softened from my tough persona as a teenager and construction guy, but still like to hike the hills or break a horse. The posts that I will write in the coming days will show a transformation in me. I rely on God for my strength, know that in reading these posts. If that bothers you, don't read what I write. I could not do the things I need to do without His help. He has given me the strength I need when I am at my lowest. What I hope to show by writing my experiences is that the road of being married to an eating disordered wife is a tough one. It is lonely and it is dark. Adding to that struggle the responsibility of taking care of six little kids and still providing for a family, it can seem almost unbearable at times. But it is possible to find peace and joy, it is not the end, but the beginning of a surreal journey of ups and lots of downs. And no matter what the outcome will be for me, which I do not know,  I am confident that in the end it all works out and the pain and the hurt will be washed away through the sacrifice and love of Christ. That I am sure, and for that I am willing to endure the pain to find the joy....