Can I feel anymore sadness???

Jane,

What to say? I hit a new low last night. I tell you this not to make you feel bad or guilty, I promised you that I would be 100% honest, so I will. I have never cried like that before. It took me hours to figure out why I was so sad. I think that I can now attempt to put it into words, though words will not do it justice. Yesterday was interesting for me. I was so excited to come down and spend the week with with you. I have looked forward to this since January 7, when I dropped you off. You are all that I think of every minute of every day, from the moment I wake in the morning, to the minute I drift off to sleep, and everything while I dream. I love you so much, far more than you realize. As I drove down, I had the most amazing thoughts and ideas, the most amazing songs played on the radio describing exactly how I felt. When you came around the corner and I was sitting there, my heart raced at your sight. The dietician and the therapy was difficult for me to process. I did not understand what you were saying. It was hard to hear. But I did not know why. I was not quite sure what the thoughts were about that were going through my mind. I loved hanging out with you last night. I loved sitting on the couch with you and talking. I loved looking at how beautiful you are. I loved that there was some depth to out conversation. I loved that you were willing to be vulnerable with me on the letting me read your journal. I can only imagine how hard that was for you. So I left you, went and got dinner, unsuccessfully tried to find you a birthday gift, and came back to the hotel. I read your journal that you gave me to read. I found the big secret. You, of course, knew what my reaction would be. And you were right. But I am 100% sure that the reaction is different that what you think. I can make more money. Yes, it is not easy, but I know God will support me in whatever I need. I don't even care to know much debt or what it is a this point. It will have to be dealt with at the correct time. Only you know when that time is. Let me know when you are ready. But the money is not what broke my heart. I realized, last night for the first time, that we are so far apart on so many levels. The deception and lies are at a depth that I was not prepared for. I did not realize the intricate web of untruths was so wide, from the dieting, use of diet pills and laxatives, midnight exercising, and money. I think what my biggest fears are, at this point, that there are still things that I do not know. I can't help but to think that there are more deceptions from the last 14 years, and previous to that, that I still do not know. I am not perfect. I have many weaknesses. This not a 'holier than thou' letter. I am fighting my own demons every day. But I have never lied to deceive you, and that is why I am so hurt right now. It breaks me to realize that my trust in you is extremely vulnerable right now. It breaks me to know that lying to me came easily. I compound these feeling onto what I felt in the counseling yesterday and the only verdict that I can come to is that I have not been your number one for a long time. I have slid down the ranks over the years and been replaced by other things. You have been a great mother and you have taken great care of me. But I realized yesterday, and last night, that you have withheld so much from me and went to great lengths to deceive me. The fact that I know nothing of these hidden diet pills, hidden exercising, and hidden debt, all show me that I have, in a way, become your enemy, and that is extremely difficult to realize, coming from the one person that I have given my all to. I expect it from others throughout my life, and I can deal with it. I never saw this coming from you. It pains me to write these words. I never wanted to write a letter like this to the girl I love most. I have always wanted your love and affection more than anything else. I am not sure, at this point, that I ever have fully gotten it. I know this is going to tear you apart when you read it. I am sorry for that. But I refuse to not tell you how I am feeling from here on out, as it is why we are where we are right now, and I share a lot of the blame for that. So I don't know what happens from here. We will talk today for sure. Know that I have never felt more vulnerable than right now. Please know that I love you so much and always have and will. My love for you is stronger that a eating disorder, money, or anything else. It always will be. The decisions you now make are going to have huge ramifications on our life together and the lives of our children. I need you to get rid of this eating disorder forever. I cannot deal with the deceit it has brought. I need you, all of you, not just a portion, but every part. I have and will, continue to to give you all of me. I love you.