My fears...

My love, that was quite the counseling session, huh? To be honest, I am scared. I am scared of losing you again. I am scared of falling back down into that abyss that we have been clawing our way out of for the last two months. I am terrified that I am going to lose you again, but the next time will be far worse. In each of those reasons, 'I' is the prevalent word. Those are selfish thoughts because they have everything to do with me, nothing to do with you. I have to now put my trust into the process just like I have been telling you to do for the last two weeks. I was glad to have the opportunity to share with you my feelings about coming home  and my worries and concerns. This eating disorder put me in a terrible place emotionally, mentally and physically. The emotions that I had were so raw, I had never had them before. Feeling those emotions for the first time scared me and caught me off guard in a way that I had never experienced. I did not know that I loved you so much until I lost you. I did not know that I hated the eating disorder so much until I lost you. That is such a wide range of emotions expressed in two short sentences. I was in a hell in December. I really thought that you were going to die in the next couple of weeks of month. That is hard thing to come to grips with as a husband to a woman that I adore. That is my worst nightmare, to lose you, and I saw it happening right in front of me and there was nothing I could do about it. Now that I have experience those emotions, I know what they are. Like I  said on the phone, if there is a next time, those emotions will not be so intense. I am all in on this experience. I am all in on getting you home feeling better about yourself. I am all in with being with you in the months to come and getting to know you better. I am afraid that my intensity will not be as resilient if there is a next time. I know you are going to have struggles and that we are going to have hard times. I was really glad when your therapist was able to define my words into a more specific fear, and that was that you will close yourself off from me and that the dishonesty will return. She was correct, that is my greatest fear, that you will try to fight this alone or give in to it and leave me with deception. I will do whatever I can to help you not fall back into those ways. I will try to be here for you when you need me. I am all in on your recovery. I am not all in on going back to our old ways. I know that you want to get better, we have all been praying for you to get better. I was encouraged when you told us on the phone today that you surrendered yourself to not knowing the time frames. That made me happy. I am glad that you reached that point last week, I think if you had not reached that  by today, you never would have because now we have any idea of the time frame of the next few weeks. But now I want you to go a step further, and maybe you are already there. I want you to surrender yourself to recovery. I want you to not picture yourself at home, struggling with the dinner that is front of you, or the pushups that you want to do. I don't want you to picture yourself being embarrassed when you see someone you know that probably is aware of why you were gone. I don't want you to picture yourself being self conscious when someone says you look great. What I do want you to picture is how great it is going to feel when you drive down our gravel driveway after being gone for almost three months and the feeling of excitedness and relief at seeing the home we love. I want you to picture us sitting around the dinner table talking and laughing about our day. I want you to feel the love of those who truly care for you, those who have been praying non stop and helping me so much, and when they see you and they want to make a big deal about you, hug you and tell you that they missed you, that you will feel good about that. I want you to picture the embrace that we are going to have each day, knowing that we are back together again and that you were saved from the grave. The eating disorder is nothing to us in this new view, it is everything in the old us. It is time to close that chapter, hard as it may be  and as difficult as it will feel, the page has to be turned. There is just too much happiness to be enjoyed to let it take your thoughts, emotions and love from you. When you return, it will be a celebration. We will be happy, we will break out the sparkling cider and toast as a family the miracles that we have received and been a part of the last two months. I realize that you are quickly approaching the next phase in this journey. One that is outside the Center. I realize how scary and thrilling this will be for you. I just ask that you let me take the path with you. Hard as it may be, let me go with you and share in the journey. We are going to have hard times ahead, but they don't have to be difficult ones. They can bring us closer together, not further apart. Please be honest with me. Write it in your journal a million times, that you will be honest with me, so when you are having a hard day and you don't want to tell me, you can pick it up and read in you book how much you did not want to fall back into the old way. That is one reason I write to you every night, I wanted to capture the emotion in my moment of trials so that I can read these words again to get pulled back to where I need to be if I get off course in the future. I love you so much, if this eating disorder can go away,  I know we will rise to a new level in our relationship and love that we have never experienced. Lets take this journey together, I will be here for you. You are my girl and always will be. I love you.

God cared about a mule.

Before I go, let me share just one story from my life. I am sure I have shared this with you before. But it fits into my thoughts these last couple of days. Seven years ago or so, we were in the mountains with your brothers and mine, hunting. We had a long day, hiked up and down the hills over and over. We had shot a bear and your brother had shot a small little buck. It was at the end of the day, and I had talked my brother into bringing the mules all the way down to the bottom of the mountain to load up the meat. We had a long walk back to camp and evening was quickly approaching. I grabbed the lead ropes for the mules and I started hiking back. It was a lot of uphill walking and I was soooo tired. But all of a sudden, I had a burst of energy like I had not had all day. I hiked fast. The mules were having a hard time keeping up with me. I found my new energy invigorating and went with it, not stopping to rest at all as I walked the miles back to camp, up a mountain then down a mountain. I could not see the other guys behind me at all, they were just trudging along. I made the last hike up the hill before I dropped down into camp and I was almost at a jog by the time I came into camp. As I came around the trees I could see down into camp and I could hear a gasping, an animal making it lasts attempts to breathe. I saw my mule, (the same bles-sed mule that we have today! oh that celestial angelic creature:) and it had gotten its lead rope wrapped around its neck and was on the ground taking one of its last breaths. I let go of my mules and ran down the hill, fumbling with my knife as I ran. I cut the rope, letting the pressure off of the mule's throat and windpipe and it immediately took a huge breath of air and laid there while it regained its energy before standing up. It was now safe and getting oxygen. I have often thought about that experience. The energy and speed that I had was not from me, but given to me in some unimaginable way from God. God cared about a mule. God cared that we could get our gear back to the truck the next day. That mule is still out in our pasture right now and our kids have ridden her numerous times. Isn't it interesting and amazing that God would care about a mule. The scriptures say that not even a sparrow cannot fall from the sky without God knowing it. That is amazing to think about. So if He cares that much about a bird or a mule, how much more does He care for Jane, His daughter. He loves you, I love you. Try to find that power to grow stronger through and from Him. He is the only one with the ability to heal you from your disorder. I want you here with me, I am praying with the children daily for you to receive a miracle of healing. Pray for it with us. And....... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!

Please don't be sad at me for not bringing you home

Good evening my girl. Hope the rest of your day was grand and relaxing. We left you and hit the open road. I loved that we got to hang out today and not be rushed. Being in the motel room for lunch was good, it was real. I liked that. The kids have really missed you. I am good at giving them the necessities- food, clean clothes, and good night kisses. You are so much better and giving them the wants- encouragement, loves and a listening ear. We make a good team, I will be excited when we are together again. I got some great pics today of us, it will be a good memory for years to come. It broke my heart when you disappeared into the center and our second youngest came out of the bathroom and had the saddest look on her face and said, 'is mom gone? I did not get to hug her!' then our second oldest came out and said the exact same thing. So when you came out to go down the elevator, I was so happy, and so were they. They miss you so much, they are so resilient about it though. Don't let that fool you into thinking that you have become obsolete, your fear that you mentioned to me before. They talk about you non stop. Last night when baby girl said the prayer for dinner with my parents, she prayed that you would receive a miracle. My mom was so impressed by that. We have such great kids, I can't wait for us to be together as a family again.
I do not know what to write to you tonight. I am pretty tired and my mind is kind of worn out. The kids were really good on this trip, so it is not worn out from them. Just the hustle bustle and talking care of things gets me a bit tired. My mind does not rest anymore. So on the way home the kids watched the movie 'Courageous'. It was good to listen to it on the way home. I want to be a good dad to the kids. My hope is that they will grow up one day and remember the good things that I did for them, and not the times I worked late or the times I had to be on my computer all day. I realize that this role I am playing is short lived, one day they will grow up and I will no longer be the amazing dad that they perceive from a child like stand point. I want to be the dad that had fun with them, challenged them, supported them, and taught them. But most of all I want them to know that I love them. There is just not enough time it seems to fit that all in and to get everything done that I need to. I hope we can make some big changes in our lives in the coming months and years.When you get home, I want you to help me be a better dad, you see things that I should do that I can't see sometimes.
I though a lot about our conversations that we had this weekend while I was driving home. I want you here with me, I have said that over and over. I realize the good that you can receive by being down there. I also realize the difficult struggle that you are going through by having to spend all that time with women that are difficult to live with. We will see the value in it one day, may be long in the future. It is tough when you are right in the middle of a hard situation to see the end. But the ends always come, and the trials do end. Your trials will probably continue when you come home, but I hope we can give you the support that you need. I don't know what else I can tell you, I hope that the next month goes by really fast for you and you can make great strides in your mind and with your perception of your body. This is such a personal journey for you, when it comes down to it, there are only two people that can change the outcome. You and God. We are on the sidelines with hundreds of family and friends rooting for you, but in all reality, you make the outcome, God gives you what He knows is best. I pray for you daily, I am your biggest fan. Be patient, have faith, pray unceasingly for the healing that you need and desire. I love you. Please don't be sad at me for not bringing you home, I want to, but I want you to come home able to cope with the disorder on a healthy level. I love you so much.  Have a great week. And..... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!

My greatest hope is that you will learn how great you really are

Hello my love. I had a wonderful time with you today. It is so weird, we will never get used to this. My day was good, we had a little emotional start but the ride down was uneventful. The kids did do really well and I had some good talks with my dad. It is always so good to see you when we first walk into the Center, I love that look on your face when you see me or the kids. I was a bit tired today, only had about five hours of sleep last night, so sorry if I was a little mellow this afternoon. The kids loved hanging out with you tonight, I asked them what their favorite part of the day was and they all said the same thing, seeing you. I hope you enjoyed the time you got to spend with them. I know you have not been around the chaos for the last two months, so it is a bit overwhelming to get in a minivan with six kids.  I look forward to the day when we can spend more time with each other, we need us and that day will come soon. Be patient with the process. Your therapists deal with this everyday, they know what works and what does not work. We can both agree that we want you to be healthy and happier, they are working to get you to that goal. If your ED was easy to overcome, we would not be in this spot right now. We can reassess it weekly. I want to make sure you understand that I want you home with me, I never wanted you to leave in the first place. But difficult circumstances require difficult fixes, and this process is not easy. I don't see you wanting to come home the eating disorder speaking in you as much as a mom and wife who really misses her family. I don't know what to say besides that which I have already said. You are getting the best help for your ED that a person can possibly get. I know the girls that you live with are hard to get along with and you wonder if the time down here is well spent. I cannot give you any encouragement other than I feel that it is right that you are still down here. I am trying to be as in tune as possible with the Spirit and I have had no feelings to contradict that other than the natural selfish feelings of a husband missing his wife. This process will one day be over, it will be in the next 8 weeks for sure. Strive to gain as much as you can, learn all that they are teaching you. Especially learn the coping mechanisms the best you can. You know I worry about when you come home and how it is going to be. It is worth the sacrifice now to avoid the major relapses. I will continue to come down and see you as much as I can. This is difficult, but we are worth it. We can do it, just take one day at a time still.
Your comment to me on the timing of this drama is accurate to my feelings as well. I have thought about this a lot lately. I feel strongly that Heavenly Father was able to help you hold off the severe aspects of the eating disorder until we could best handle it. Had this happened a five years ago or so, I would have been a mess. I would have had little babies crawling around and I would not have been able to deal with taking care of the kids as good as I have. I would have been in the middle of building and working and I would not have been able to go to work everyday. Mental health was not covered under our health insurance plans, it was not mandatory until Jan 1, 2015. I would have not been able to afford the help that you needed. Had this happened a few years from now, our daughters would have been older and would have been more aware of your ED tendencies. Yes, this was the right time to deal with it. I will forever thank the Lord for helping us to have this experience now and not sooner or later. My dad said to me today, 'Your life was moving right along and everything was going perfect and then this hit you.' My response to him surprised him a little bit. And I said it a 100% truthfully. I told him that 'everything is still going perfect. I have learned lessons that I would not have learned any other way. I have learned patience, I have learned empathy, I have learned to relate with those who are depressed and suffer with mental illness. I have learned that there is more to life than work. I have learned that my kids are a blast to hang out with. I have learned how much I love Jane' I went on and told him about experiences that I have had and the growth that has come. This experience has been good for me, it has been hard, but I am better for having gone through it. I know I have had a hard road to walk this past couple of months, I know that your road has been harder. We will come out of this healed. I would never volunteer to go through this experience but in a way, I am convinced that I had to have it to become better. We will be happier one day. My greatest hope is that you will learn how great you really are. If not in this life, I know that you will realize it in the next life. My hope is that one day you will look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman that you are. If not, then I hope that one day you will look at your beautiful children and see how good and great they are, and you will realize that you are a good mom. I hope that one day you will look at me, and see how far I have come at being more Christlike and realize that you had the greatest impact in me becoming who I am. If you cannot see it in yourself, look for it in those whom you are raising. Look for it in me, the cocky arrogant 22 year old who you married 14 years ago who thought he could and should say everything that came to his mind. I still make a lot of mistakes, but because of you I make a lot less of them. Hang with me Jane, give me the trust that you can. You is kind, you is nice, you is important :) Trust me when I say that you are beautiful now and when you are fully weight restored. Trust me when I say that you are loved by so many. Trust me when I say that you are worth the sacrifices that are being made. Trust me when I say that God loves you and He is mindful of your every thought and prayer. You are worth everything. I have spend many a lonely night in our beautiful home, on our beautiful property, in this free country, with our amazing six kids and still feel a longing for you that I cannot describe. I have everything but I am still missing something. You complete me. I am my best when you are next to me.
I love you, the kids are all asleep now in our hotel rooms. They had a great time with their cousins and my mom and dad. My mom made the comment to me as I was leaving that no matter where we are at, or what we need, she will be there to help. I believed her when she said that. And I will make you the same promise,  no matter where you are at, or what you need, I will be there to help. I love you, have a good week, I am looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow. And.... I LOVE MY GIRL!

There was once a little girl, bright eyed and cheerful

Not sure what to write about tonight. I feel like I have been pouring my heart out to you for almost two months that I do not know what to say that would not seem repetitious. So maybe I can simply my feeling into a children's story. Goes something like this.

There was once a little girl, bright eyed and cheerful. She cared for everyone and felt what they felt, good and bad. One day she was feeling sad because those who were suppose to love her made her feel unsecure and unloved. It made her start hiding her feelings and her tears, until one day she met a friend named ED. He was nice, he told her that it did not matter if her family was mean to her, she could control how she felt by herself. Her and ED became good friends, they spend a lot of time together. At first ED helped her feel happy and better about her self. He told her that she looked good and that if she would do certain things, she would look better. The problem with Ed was that he only cared how she looked. As time went by, ED was not as nice as he seemed. As time went on, this little girl got older and fell in love with a man who absolutely adored her. They got married, but ED did not come to the wedding and did not visit the girl for a long time. The girl was busy and had amazingly adorable babies, six of them to be exact. Sometimes ED would come and knock on the door when the girl's husband was not there, the girl and ED would talk for a few moments but the girl was so busy that she had to end the conversation. She was unsure if she liked ED or not, he had been good to her in the past. The girl was loved, had a great life and at times even forgot about ED. But one day, with her husband gone, ED came back to talk to the girl. She knew he was bad for her, but could not resist the temptation to have long talks with him like when she was younger. She listened and believed what he said. He told her that she would be happier with him back in her life. So she let him back in and immediately he took full control of her and she could not break free. The husband came home but never met ED, he was always in the other room and their paths did not cross for months, but ED was always there. Finally, the girl, in desperation for help to free herself from ED, told the husband about ED and the control he had on her. The husband was sad, he did not know what to think about ED, or even who ED was. The husband tried to force ED to leave, but it made ED talk even more loudly to the wife. There were times where the husband was to mad at ED but he could do nothing, the girl wanted ED to stay. Finally out of desperation, the husbanded pleaded for the girl to leave ED but ED was now too powerful. The only option was to have the girl leave with ED. The husband was devastated. But he let them go. He had lost this battle with ED, but the war was still waging. The husband promised the girl and himself that he would become a more formidable warrior. He did not know how, but he would figure out how to win the girl back and free herself from the grasp of ED. The man, in desperation, prayed to know what to do. The man began to write to his girl, over and over. Hours and hours of words flew out of his mind. He tried everything, past memories, happier days, and even professed his love for the girl. ED was strong, he fought back through thoughts of doubt, and unworthiness. The battle became more fierce, a battle between love and hatred raged in front of the girl, she could only watch the battle, not able to see who was going to win. ED looked like he might overcome the man, but then, something changed. The man was able to look at the girl, and tell her that no matter what, he would always love her more than ED would love her, even if ED won the war. The girl could not understand that, nor could she feel that the words were true. But then, in an instant, she felt something. She felt the husband might be right. She started to feel the love that he had thought and written. She started to believe that ED was really the enemy and not a friend. She start to love and feel love like she had never felt before. The battle still waged on, the man came to battle weekly, sometimes bringing six other warriors, small but mighty warriors, with him. The girl took up the fight as well, together the eight of them battled ED by loving each other, by expressing their thoughts and feelings.  As time grew, ED began to get weary and became to grow smaller and weaker. Soon he looked as if he could barely even communicate with the girl. And then, one day, the man came and finally grabbed the girl and walked away with her, hand in hand, away from ED who had become so weak, that he did not even know that the girl had left him, forever. The man, the girl, and the six little warriors had won, the girl had grown stronger and she could fight ED herself if she had to. The girl had ended her friendship with ED, but gained a much stronger friendship, love, and trust with the husband and the six little warriors. They left the battle field and headed home, to enjoy all that they had been blessed with. ED sometimes came around, but was never acknowledged, he was too weak and not worthy of the thoughts of the girl. The girl grew to be amazing, she showed loved to those who had hurt her and helped those who had also met ED to escape his friendship. The girls became a warrior, defeating all the ED and other tyrants in her way. She cared for everyone and felt what they felt, good and bad. The man loved the girl. The girl loved the man. And they loved their babies. Life was amazing, and they lived........

My love for you will ALWAYS be stronger than your eating disorder

I am struggling with your struggle lately. I just want us to move on to the next step of the process to where you find peace with yourself. I just don't know what I can do to help you. It pains me inside that you don't feel good about who you are. It is so obvious to me what and who you are. Imagine if it was me who felt like I was worthless, ugly and a terrible person, even when you know it is the complete opposite. What would you say to me? What words would you use to try to help me understand what I really am? This is a tough position for us, because your perception of yourself is everything, regardless of the realities that I see. I really would like to know the things that I do that make you feel loved. I know you like it when I put thought into things that I am going to give or do for you. But what else? What is the nicest thing that I have ever done for you? What is the one nice or loving thing that I have said to you that you really believed me when I said it? What is the most favorite memory of us? I feel like there have been times in our life together where you actually believed that you were loved, beautiful, and special. There has to be, Satan can't whisper to you all the time, God has worked in your life stronger than you recognize. We watched a Mormon message this morning about Gordon B. Hinckley and a story he shared from his father. He gave this talk in 1993 in General Conference-

“An older boy and his young companion were walking along a road which led through a field. They saw an old coat and a badly worn pair of men’s shoes by the roadside, and in the distance they saw the owner working in the field.

“The younger boy suggested that they hide the shoes, conceal themselves, and watch the perplexity on the owner’s face when he returned.

“The older boy … thought that would not be so good. He said the owner must be a very poor man. So, after talking the matter over, at his suggestion, they concluded to try another experiment. Instead of hiding the shoes, they would put a silver dollar in each one and … see what the owner did when he discovered the money. So they did that.

“Pretty soon the man returned from the field, put on his coat, slipped one foot into a shoe, felt something hard, took it out and found a silver dollar. Wonder and surprise [shone] upon his face. He looked at the dollar again and again, turned around and could see nobody, then proceeded to put on the other shoe; when to his great surprise he found another dollar. His feelings overcame him. … He knelt down and offered aloud a prayer of thanksgiving, in which he spoke of his wife being sick and helpless and his children without bread. … He fervently thanked the Lord for this bounty from unknown hands and evoked the blessing of heaven upon those who gave him this needed help.

“The boys remained [hidden] until he had gone.” They had been touched by his prayer and felt something warm within their hearts. As they left to walk down the road, one said to the other, “Don’t you have a good feeling?”


We talked this morning before the kids left for school, about what gave the good feeling, or what brought them peace. I explained to the kids that Christ has suffered all. We are not greater than He is. This is mortality where we are given the opportunity to experience the good and the bad, the joy and the sorrow. I asked each of the kids to think about the phrase, "Peace be unto thy soul" and then I asked them what brought peace to their souls. The answers surprised me. My oldest son said his piano music brought him peace. My second son said our devotionals and prayer. My youngest son said being outside with the dogs and playing with them. My oldest daughter said that talking on the phone to you and seeing you brought peace. My second oldest daughter said that prayer and loving each other brought her peace. And baby girl said that family brought her peace. I did not answer the question this morning, but I have rather thought about it throughout the day. One of the things that brings me great peace is writing to you. I don't know why this is, but when I write to you, I feel like the conduits of inspiration are opened to me and my mind is able to process my thoughts and feelings more clear, even to the transformation from thought into word. Sometimes I look what I have written and wonder where those words came from. So in the simplest of terms, I find peace in letting you into my mind, into my thoughts and into my heart. When I can accurately portray who I am to you, I am at peace. I want you to understand me and that gives me peace to my mind. So the question I would ask you, what brings peace to your soul? What is it that can help you to calm down, sets the anxiety aside, and lets your mind rest for a few minutes? I am not a therapist, nor am I educated in many formal ways, but I do know that the Savior of mankind promised that "Peace I give unto you." and I know that He always give us what He promises. Find that peace, even as small as it may be. Find it and focus on it. Grow it, nurture it and it will grow. That peace that may seem small to you when you finally feel it  will grow until it can be felt more easily, until you recognize it more. Just like you finally found our that you have been feeling anxiety all of these years, there is a moment coming to you soon that you will realize that you have also been feeling peace all of these years. I love you, you know I do. Everything that I do is for you. My whole life is based around you. So either I am crazy (which at times I am!) or I am right in making you the 100% focus of my life. Find peace in knowing that I will always be here for you, even when the times get tough. I will always come for you. I may be late at times, but I will always be there for you. I love you, and I want to love you back to health again. Like I told you last week, my love for you will ALWAYS be stronger than your eating disorder, always!!! Find peace in that, find peace in us, look for that peace in Christ who descended below all to raise us above all! And..... I love my Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You will finally see what everyone else sees, that you are beautiful inside and out.

Hello my love, every time I sit down to write this letter I still find it odd that we are in this spot. Who would have thought? But just like it seems it will never end, one day we will be sitting here together, reading some of these emails together and thinking how long ago that was. Keep your chin up, summer days will soon be here and we can do intuitive sleeping and get up when we feel like it. I remember when I first got into the mission field. I was happy to be there but it was so hard. Everyone, from those at home to those in the MTC, to those in the mission field kept telling me how quickly the mission would go by. I fully expected to wake up that first morning and my two years would be over. Instead I woke up, in a freezing cold flat, got up and took a shower in a mildew infested tub, and spent the day in the rain, freezing, talking to people that did not want to talk to me. That first month, I was so home sick. It was not like anything I had ever done before. But time moved on, summer came, and I got into my groove and dealt with my insecurities, my inability to talk to strangers, and I was not able to get over my longing for home, but I was able to cope with being away. I know that what your going through is not a mission, nor is it anything like a mission. But the struggles that we go through in life feel the same. Feeling of inadequacy, thoughts of failure, the ability to cope under the pressures of life. Hard as they are, some how we find ourselves able to get through them, one day at a time. I could not look at the whole two years when I first got out there, it was just too daunting. I could look at the day at hand and the teaching that needed to be done and the appointments that needed to be kept. I managed to find joy in my shortcomings, humor in my mistakes, and love for those who did not have it. It got better, I got better and I became the person that I wanted to be, but not until after I had gone through the hard time. I don't know why I reverted back to my mission on this email, but nevertheless I did. I remember one night in particular, it was in my last area, I was kneeling next to my bed. I was months from coming home, but I felt the strongest desire to pray for my wife. I did not know who she was, what her name was, where she lived. I just knew that I needed to pray for her. And I did. I can't help but to think that you were struggling with something that day and that connection between us already existed. I still feel that sacred connection with you today, just so much stronger. I don't know why you are struggling with this disorder in the way that you are. I wish I could understand it so that I could do and say the things that would give you comfort and strength. I would have been the husband that you needed a long time ago if I would have just known. I don't say this to make you feel guilty or sad, we both had our mountains to climb and our abysses to slog through, but I say this to you now so that you know that I will be the husband that you need from here out. I don't know how I will be it, I don't know what I will be, but I will be the man that you need. We are going to struggle beyond belief in the coming years, it is going to be hard, it will be difficult, but I am going to be in a much better spot to give you the support and comfort that you need. But it is not all bad, it is going to be a year of excitement, a year of understanding, a year of bliss and year of amazement. I will carry you through the abysses if you will run with me over the hills. When this life is over, and all is said and done, the one thing that I am going to carry with me into the yonder eternities, is the relationship with you. My kids will have grown and gone, my wealth and possessions will long ago have melted back into the elements of this world, but I will have you. We will have us. That is what heaven is all about, the ability for 'us' to be together forever, possessing the charity and love that God so freely gives to us. That is it, you and I. So we need to work on us,  love deeper, laugh longer, pull our children together more often, talk sweeter, treat others with more kindness, serve where needed, and pray that God will bless us with attributes that we are in need of. I know that you can overcome this disorder. You have it in you. I don't know how, I don't know how you get rid of the thoughts that counter act my compliments to you. I have no idea. All i know is that you are a daughter of God, that you have a Heavenly Father and Mother who sent you here to earth not to be sad and unhappy, but to learn to love yourself, love who you are, and love how you look. You may not understand that now, you may not see that now, and from our conversation today, you definitely don't hear that now. But just because you don't see it, does not mean it is not true. If you cannot trust yourself, then trust me, like your therapist said. And if you find that difficult, trust your little ones, there is no deceit in them in their relationship with their mom. And if you can't trust them, trust the love that God has shown to you over the years. And if you can't trust those, then it is probably time that you get on your knees and plead with your Heavenly Father to know if you are His. He made no mistake on you. I am sure your ancestors and your descendents weep at the thought that you feel unworthy or insufficient in you looks or personality. I wanted to cry when i heard today what you thought of yourself, because i know the the truth. The memories of how you looked after giving birth to our children is still etched into my mind. You radiated peace, love and determination as you helded those brand new babies in your arms for the first time. I will never forget how beautiful you were to me at that point, having walked to the precipice of pain that i could never imagine, to bring these little ones into our home. I will never forget how you looked when we sat on top of Table Rock, with the mountains behind you, and the wind blowing through you hair. I will never forget how you looked when i would walk into bank and see you standing behind the counter, as my new wife of only a few months. What is more amazing is that even though you are beautiful and graceful on the outside, you are even more beautiful on the inside. You make the veterans happy in our area with treats every year you make for them every Veteran's Day, you take dinners to those who feel promped to help without knowing why, you take a interest in our children's activities that i find boring and insignificant when it means the world to them. These few things, and countless more, are what make you irresistable to me. So to end this letter, i just want to say one more time, that I love you. God made no mistake in you. I hope you will realize one day how good and how courageous you are. I realize it, as do all who know you. Satan wants you to look down, but God wants you to look up. So look up, plead with him in prayer that you, His daughter, might feel His love for you, His support, His kindness and His mercy. He will show it to you, and when you finally feel it, you will finally see what everyone else sees, that you are beautiful inside and out. Cold winter days always precede the warmth of spring. I love you.
And....... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!