Hello my love. I had a wonderful time
with you today. It is so weird, we will never get used to this. My
day was good, we had a little emotional start but the ride down was
uneventful. The kids did do really well and I had some good talks
with my dad. It is always so good to see you when we first walk into
the Center, I love that look on your face when you see me or the
kids. I was a bit tired today, only had about five hours of sleep
last night, so sorry if I was a little mellow this afternoon. The
kids loved hanging out with you tonight, I asked them what their
favorite part of the day was and they all said the same thing, seeing
you. I hope you enjoyed the time you got to spend with them. I know
you have not been around the chaos for the last two months, so it is
a bit overwhelming to get in a minivan with six kids. I look
forward to the day when we can spend more time with each other, we
need us and that day will come soon. Be patient with the process.
Your therapists deal with this everyday, they know what works
and what does not work. We can both agree that we want you to be
healthy and happier, they are working to get you to that goal. If
your ED was easy to overcome, we would not be in this spot right now.
We can reassess it weekly. I want to make sure you understand that I
want you home with me, I never wanted you to leave in the first
place. But difficult circumstances require difficult fixes, and this
process is not easy. I don't see you wanting to come home the eating disorder speaking
in you as much as a mom and wife who really misses her family. I
don't know what to say besides that which I have already said. You
are getting the best help for your ED that a person can possibly get.
I know the girls that you live with are hard to get along with and
you wonder if the time down here is well spent. I cannot give you any
encouragement other than I feel that it is right that you are still
down here. I am trying to be as in tune as possible with the Spirit
and I have had no feelings to contradict that other than the natural
selfish feelings of a husband missing his wife. This process will one
day be over, it will be in the next 8 weeks for sure. Strive to gain
as much as you can, learn all that they are teaching you. Especially
learn the coping mechanisms the best you can. You know I worry about
when you come home and how it is going to be. It is worth the
sacrifice now to avoid the major relapses. I will continue to come
down and see you as much as I can. This is difficult, but we are
worth it. We can do it, just take one day at a time still.
Your comment to me on the timing of this drama is accurate to my feelings as well. I have thought about this a lot lately. I feel strongly that Heavenly Father was able to help you hold off the severe aspects of the eating disorder until we could best handle it. Had this happened a five years ago or so, I would have been a mess. I would have had little babies crawling around and I would not have been able to deal with taking care of the kids as good as I have. I would have been in the middle of building and working and I would not have been able to go to work everyday. Mental health was not covered under our health insurance plans, it was not mandatory until Jan 1, 2015. I would have not been able to afford the help that you needed. Had this happened a few years from now, our daughters would have been older and would have been more aware of your ED tendencies. Yes, this was the right time to deal with it. I will forever thank the Lord for helping us to have this experience now and not sooner or later. My dad said to me today, 'Your life was moving right along and everything was going perfect and then this hit you.' My response to him surprised him a little bit. And I said it a 100% truthfully. I told him that 'everything is still going perfect. I have learned lessons that I would not have learned any other way. I have learned patience, I have learned empathy, I have learned to relate with those who are depressed and suffer with mental illness. I have learned that there is more to life than work. I have learned that my kids are a blast to hang out with. I have learned how much I love Jane' I went on and told him about experiences that I have had and the growth that has come. This experience has been good for me, it has been hard, but I am better for having gone through it. I know I have had a hard road to walk this past couple of months, I know that your road has been harder. We will come out of this healed. I would never volunteer to go through this experience but in a way, I am convinced that I had to have it to become better. We will be happier one day. My greatest hope is that you will learn how great you really are. If not in this life, I know that you will realize it in the next life. My hope is that one day you will look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman that you are. If not, then I hope that one day you will look at your beautiful children and see how good and great they are, and you will realize that you are a good mom. I hope that one day you will look at me, and see how far I have come at being more Christlike and realize that you had the greatest impact in me becoming who I am. If you cannot see it in yourself, look for it in those whom you are raising. Look for it in me, the cocky arrogant 22 year old who you married 14 years ago who thought he could and should say everything that came to his mind. I still make a lot of mistakes, but because of you I make a lot less of them. Hang with me Jane, give me the trust that you can. You is kind, you is nice, you is important :) Trust me when I say that you are beautiful now and when you are fully weight restored. Trust me when I say that you are loved by so many. Trust me when I say that you are worth the sacrifices that are being made. Trust me when I say that God loves you and He is mindful of your every thought and prayer. You are worth everything. I have spend many a lonely night in our beautiful home, on our beautiful property, in this free country, with our amazing six kids and still feel a longing for you that I cannot describe. I have everything but I am still missing something. You complete me. I am my best when you are next to me.
I love you, the kids are all asleep now in our hotel rooms. They had a great time with their cousins and my mom and dad. My mom made the comment to me as I was leaving that no matter where we are at, or what we need, she will be there to help. I believed her when she said that. And I will make you the same promise, no matter where you are at, or what you need, I will be there to help. I love you, have a good week, I am looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow. And.... I LOVE MY GIRL!
Your comment to me on the timing of this drama is accurate to my feelings as well. I have thought about this a lot lately. I feel strongly that Heavenly Father was able to help you hold off the severe aspects of the eating disorder until we could best handle it. Had this happened a five years ago or so, I would have been a mess. I would have had little babies crawling around and I would not have been able to deal with taking care of the kids as good as I have. I would have been in the middle of building and working and I would not have been able to go to work everyday. Mental health was not covered under our health insurance plans, it was not mandatory until Jan 1, 2015. I would have not been able to afford the help that you needed. Had this happened a few years from now, our daughters would have been older and would have been more aware of your ED tendencies. Yes, this was the right time to deal with it. I will forever thank the Lord for helping us to have this experience now and not sooner or later. My dad said to me today, 'Your life was moving right along and everything was going perfect and then this hit you.' My response to him surprised him a little bit. And I said it a 100% truthfully. I told him that 'everything is still going perfect. I have learned lessons that I would not have learned any other way. I have learned patience, I have learned empathy, I have learned to relate with those who are depressed and suffer with mental illness. I have learned that there is more to life than work. I have learned that my kids are a blast to hang out with. I have learned how much I love Jane' I went on and told him about experiences that I have had and the growth that has come. This experience has been good for me, it has been hard, but I am better for having gone through it. I know I have had a hard road to walk this past couple of months, I know that your road has been harder. We will come out of this healed. I would never volunteer to go through this experience but in a way, I am convinced that I had to have it to become better. We will be happier one day. My greatest hope is that you will learn how great you really are. If not in this life, I know that you will realize it in the next life. My hope is that one day you will look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman that you are. If not, then I hope that one day you will look at your beautiful children and see how good and great they are, and you will realize that you are a good mom. I hope that one day you will look at me, and see how far I have come at being more Christlike and realize that you had the greatest impact in me becoming who I am. If you cannot see it in yourself, look for it in those whom you are raising. Look for it in me, the cocky arrogant 22 year old who you married 14 years ago who thought he could and should say everything that came to his mind. I still make a lot of mistakes, but because of you I make a lot less of them. Hang with me Jane, give me the trust that you can. You is kind, you is nice, you is important :) Trust me when I say that you are beautiful now and when you are fully weight restored. Trust me when I say that you are loved by so many. Trust me when I say that you are worth the sacrifices that are being made. Trust me when I say that God loves you and He is mindful of your every thought and prayer. You are worth everything. I have spend many a lonely night in our beautiful home, on our beautiful property, in this free country, with our amazing six kids and still feel a longing for you that I cannot describe. I have everything but I am still missing something. You complete me. I am my best when you are next to me.
I love you, the kids are all asleep now in our hotel rooms. They had a great time with their cousins and my mom and dad. My mom made the comment to me as I was leaving that no matter where we are at, or what we need, she will be there to help. I believed her when she said that. And I will make you the same promise, no matter where you are at, or what you need, I will be there to help. I love you, have a good week, I am looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow. And.... I LOVE MY GIRL!
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