My wife asked me to let her come home- I had to tell her no

So we woke up at 6:30 this morning, my sweet little girl was the first one out of bed, dressed and ready to conquer the day. I gave her a alarm clock the other day and she loves having her own alarm now. She came up and we snuggled for a bit until we heard more feet coming up the stairs and I figured I had better get up and get going. I showered and shaved, we had cold cereal and fruit for breakfast. We got on the road just before 8 and made it to the Center just after 12. We stopped for a potty break and then for some chicken nuggets at Burger King. The kids did pretty good this morning, not much fighting, lots of movie watching. The drive for me was okay, there were a few times where I caught myself dazing off and had to come to alertness again. Jane got moved into the RTC unit of the Center, so we got to visit her in the residential unit. It was  a lot better, the family room is a lot larger as is the smaller private family rooms. Jane was very happy to see the kids and the they were thrilled to see her. They had been looking forward to it all week. We sat in one of the small family rooms and visited and played a few games. Jane was like a celebrity, all the kids wanted her attention and to sit by her and touch her. It was nice. It is good to sit in a room together as a family, it makes me happy. Jane had to go to lunch at 1 so I took the kids down the street to play at the park while she ate. It was a beautiful 60 degree day and they enjoyed running around and playing. I wish I could say that I had the energy to run around and play with them but I did not, I sat in the van with my eyes closed enjoying a quiet moment. The kids and I got back to the Center at 1:45 and we spent the rest of the afternoon until about 5 with Jane. The kids just wanted her attention and the girls wore her out with their games of hide and go seek. She was a good sport and found those little squirts every time. I wish I could have gotten to talk to Jane a bit more and hold her close to me, but that time was fleeting and the kids needed her attention, so I enjoyed watching the mother of my children and the love of my life playing with our chilluns. Baby girl started whining and the kids were hungry so we bid Jane adieu and drove  over to my sister's house for dinner. They were so kind and made us sandwiches, salad and home made cookies with frosting for the kids to decorate. I really like my baby sis, she is so kind and just wants to help me. I am trying to let people help me more, and I appreciate the act of kindness from her today. She has always been a good sister to me. We left there around 7, fueled up and hit the open road. There was a bit of whining and 'I'm hungry's' on the way home but the kids slept for a good portion of the time and we got home around 11 to find all well. So overall, it was a good trip, it was good to see my girl and the kids were all happy tonight that they got to see their mom as I tucked them in.

So Jane told me today that she thinks that she needs to come home and that her time there does not feel very productive. We only had a few minutes to talk about it and then when I got home I had a letter waiting for me in the mail box pretty much saying the same thing. I thought about this the whole way home, not knowing that Jane had wrote about it a few days ago which tells me that she has been thinking about this a lot. So as I was driving through the darkness of the freeway, to the sounds of a snoring baby girl behind me, I had a chance to think it through. I came to realize that I have some trust issues right now. I analyzed the impact that the eating disorder has had on our lives over the years and the untruths or deceptions or whatever you want to call them. To cut to the chase and to not prolong the thought, I am not sure if this is Jane that has the eating disorder asking to come home or if this is Jane who feels she has the eating disorder under control asking to come home. That is a tough question for me, and I will admit that the selfish part of me wants my wife home with me tonight, lying next to me that I can hold and touch. I know that I if I told Jane that I wanted her home now, she would be home now. But I can't look or listen to the selfish me right now, I have to listen to the reasoning and long term me. It was only a month and a half ago that I was coming to terms with the thought that my wife might die. That is not a easy though process to contemplate, especially when I have six young kids who need a mom. I was devastated through the month of December. I remember not being able to sleep one night and going downstairs and sitting in front of the fireplace praying and crying, trying to figure out what I should do. It was  terrible month for me, it will go down as one of the worst times of my life. I was watching TV in my room one night and Jane was on her elliptical going all out and as I sat there and watched her go, I was so sad. I knew that even if I asked her to stop, she would not have. I remember sitting down to dinner each night and watching the reactions of my kids as Jane would come to the table with a small bowl of lettuce and the kids had a look of concern on their  faces, they knew something was up. I think my sadness hit a bottom when Jane wrote me a email and told me that I was not a safe person to talk to and that she did not feel like we were on the same page anymore. That was devastating to me. I had no idea what to do. I think my anger hit a new high when we had got done praying and crying, on the night before Jane left. We had just had a EXTREMELY emotional experience and we had tucked the kids into bed. I was getting ready and all of the sudden the most intense anger came over me. I was so mad that I had just watched my kids hearts break and cry uncontrollably in such a way that they could not be consoled. It was heart wrenching and it was sad. And when the emotions were finally drained and the kids were tucked in, the anger hit me. I was so mad that the eating disorder had done this to our family, to Jane and to us as a couple. I went to bed and Jane was all curled up on her side of the bed and she wanted me to hold her, and so I did, but my heart and thoughts had anger in them. I did not want it there, I wanted to hold my wife in my arms and show her love and affections, and I did hold her, but all I could think of was my little girl sobbing and my oldest son yelling out a prayer in between sobs, and all I could think of was 'how dare you do this to my little ones!' I realize Jane is in a Center far from us. I realize that she is fighting demons every day. I realize that that there is a possibility that she could do better here with us. But that is not a risk I am willing to take at this point. I would much rather deal with the loneliness and struggles of taking care of six kids by myself than to have Jane here on a downward spiral and have to live that hell that I went through in December again. I never want to do that again or have those emotions again. I would wish that on no one. This may sound harsh, and it probably is, but I think we are better off with Jane at the center and me visiting her weekly spending time together for the time being. I say that with the utmost love in my heart for her. I cannot offer her the help that she needs right now, I may have been able to years ago when the ED was not as intense, but I am not sure can give her the support she would need if she digressed. I say that not feeling Jane is weak, but because of my own weakness. I know I am weak right now, but having jane come home and slip back into her ED ways would break me. I can't put myself back into that position right now, and I can't put my kids back into that position right now. I don't think 20 years of eating disorder tendencies is going to be drastically hindered in 6 weeks. I want Jane to get the best help possible, and I think right now, and for the coming months, that will be in the Center. Hard as it is to say that, I really feel that it is the truth. Jane asked that I think about it and pray about it and I will. I am going to try to find some time in the temple this week to take it to the Lord. I realized on the way home that it may be harder to get Jane to stay in the Center than it was to get her to go into the Center in the first place. I don't know how this will end up, but I am optimistic that this program will work. I cannot go through this again, it has to count and work, I can't go through the realization that my wife was going to die if something drastic did not happen fast. It is just too much for me to have to witness again. I may be being dramatic about it, but it is the truth. I watched my wife walk to the abyss of death and look down into it and I never want to see her that close again. I love her so much, the kids love her so much, and I want to spend the rest of my mortal days with her by my side. This has been a tough subject to write on, but I write it with love for my girl. 14 years ago tonight I asked her to marry me. When she said yes, we both made the quiet and solemn commitment that we would be true and faithful to each other from that point on, even if it was hard. I love her today more than I did back then, we made six amazing children that we love so much. We built a life that seemed to only be dream as we were standing in that frozen parking lot. We have been through tough times, and good times. I want there to be more, I want to have more joy, more happiness, more laughter, more fulfillment. I want to have less anger, less sorrow, less loneliness, and less tears. The sacrifice now of being apart it worth the years of happiness of ahead. It is a sacrifice that I am willing to make now and in the months to come, I hope Jane is willing to do the same. So on this night of anniversary, the night that our two paths became one and we committed to each other, I hope that above all, Jane knows that I love her and I will do whatever it takes to have us back together again in a healthy state, even if that means being apart. And..... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!

So.... this is what depression feels like :(

Today........ arghhhh. I did not like today. I don't know why I am in such bad mood these last two days, just not having a great time. Woke up this morning to kids fighting, my oldest daughter came into my room crying. I knew it was going to be a no good, lousy, good for nothing day.... I got up and showered and shaved and made my appearance in the kitchen. The kids were on my nerves from the git go. I need a vacation with my wife on a cruise ship with lots of delicious food and no screaming kids. So I made some dutch babies for the chilluns and we ate together. I then retired to my office to try to get some work done and it was not stop interruptions all morning. I finally almost just broke down in a tearful mess just begging the kids to not come in my office. It was a super nice day outside, around 60 degrees, so I was able to make the boys go outside and clean up the yard and their fort mess from last fall. The trees are budding out, and I have tulips now popping up out of the ground with bright green shoots. My rhubarb plant has awakened and is reaching for the sky now. I don't know what to think about this weather. It is the middle of February and it feels like the beginning of April. So I was grumpy all day, the house was always a mess, someone was always crying, I feel a bit overwhelmed with taking on snow removals in New Jersey and I feel bad for on this new guy I just hired who quit his job to come to North Dakota and we can't find snow to remove.... at all. My wife is gone, it is Valentines day, I should be making beautiful love to my beautiful wife and celebrating 14 years of bliss but instead I am grumpy, lonely and tired of fighting, whining and arguing children. Sounds pleasant, doesn't it? I finally escaped the madness at 3;45 with my sweet daughter and I took her down to a birthday party with her twin friends. I went to Walmart to get some pictures printed off for Jane. They have instant printing now so I had an hour and a half to kill. I decided to just wander around Walmart for awhile, I needed a few things and I had no where else to go. That helped me calm down a bit, watching other peoples kids throw fits is far more enjoyable than being responsible for mine. I got invited to go to the Boy's Varsity BB game but I got home and by the time I had the kitchen cleaned up again, and the kids were all quietly watching a movie, I decided to just stay home and get them to bed early so they would be in a good move tomorrow for the drive to the Center tomorrow.. So now I am going to finish up and go to bed. I am not excited to drive for eight hours tomorrow with kids. They will probably be fine, I am just a bit tired. Hopefully it goes well......

So I am sad and I have been trying to figure out why all day. When I am grumpy, I know that I am grumpy. The kids tiptoe around me and don't want me to get mad. I am usually a pretty cheerful person, but I am just having a bad run these last couple of days. This may be what they call depression. I would agree that I am depressed. My life  has been turned upside down and the normalcy of my days is setting in. I would rather stay in bed or take naps if I could, I don't have a chance to get any exercise, and the kids are all anxious about their mom which causes an amplification of emotions that I really don't want to handle right now. I was trying to find time to got to the temple this week and I did just not have the time to do it. It is so much easier with two of us. I realized today as I was vacuuming that raising kids with Jane, as a couple, is enjoyable. We both pull our weight and it makes it easier when we divide the day to day activities of raising kids. When raising kids alone, it is not fun. My day is filled with the day to day activities so much that there are very few moments when I can stop and say, lets have fun or lets go do something. I just don't have the time. I spend all day working and then the rest of my time playing catch up on the meals, laundry, refereeing fights, shuttling kids and cleaning. I feel so bad for those who do this their whole lives as a single parent. What a sad, lonely life. This too will pass. I am experiencing the loneliness and the sadness for a reason. I know it is part of the process. This eating disorder is a big deal, I know I am dealing with it pretty well here at home and i have tried to keep my journal optimistic but I want future generations who read this to know that is the hardest thing I have ever done and it is miserable. I wish we could have addressed the eating disorder in its infancy and not had to go to these extremes. It is not fun for Jane,  it is not fun for me, and it is extremely hard on the kids to have a mom that is gone, and a dad that is overwhelmed, stressed and grumpy. I have run the scenario through my mind hundreds of times and I know that there is no other way. This is it and I have two options, get in my truck and drive away and never come back or deal with the best I can. The best I can is really the only option. I have six kids who depend on me to be strong and a wife who needs me to be the best that I can right now. She needs me to be strong, and I am trying as hard as I can. And it is hard. I know I am venting and feeling bad about myself, I shouldn't. My life is still relatively easy, I have food, shelter and work. My ancestors buried 6 of their children in a two day period. But I still am going through a tough time mentally right now and it is dark, sad and lonely. I want it to change and it will, I just have to let the days pass and the weeks go by. Days will turn into months and then Jane will come home to me again. I just hope that she come home healed and able to deal with the eating disorder. I never want to go through this again. I will do whatever I have to save my girl, I will do it, I just don't want to. I am sure that there is some major character building going on with both of us right now, and I am sure we will look back at this period of our lives as the time we came closer together and closer to God, but I just want to ask, ' is there any other way?' I already know the answer so I will be patient and stop looking at the months ahead of me and just focus on the day at hand. And the day at hand has a 8 hour drive with six kids ahead of me. Lord have mercy on me! Help me have good kids tomorrow. And.... l love my girl!

Valentines day

Woke up this morning and I could tell my nerves were already frazzled. Not sure how I knew, I walked out in the kitchen and  I was right. The kids were on one this morning, I think it was because it was the day of their Valentine's parties and the boys were going skiing this afternoon. I was so happy when the bus came rolling down the gravel driveway. I needed it to come today. So I sent the kids out the door and sat down and wondered how many more times I would have a morning like that before Jane gets back, hopefully not too many. I like it when the kids are placid and mellow. My little girl was feeling better this morning so she went to school happy. My bed beckoned me even though I knew it shouldn't so I laid down for ten minutes before my phone started ringing nonstop. I gave up and went and showered and shaved. Me and baby girl got the house cleaned up and then I spent some time working on the computer. We had to do a shopping day so we loaded up in my little red wagon and headed to town. We stopped at Best Buy first off to get some printer ink and I got a new laptop. I was thinking this morning how long I have used this computer and it has been five years of intense work. It is making weird noises now and it takes forever to load so I figured it was time to replace the beast with a new work horse. It is amazing how much I have done with this little laptop over the years, I can run a multimillion dollar business sitting in my office in my pajamas with a  smart phone and a laptop. Technology is amazing. So we finally picked out a computer, baby girl loved Best Buy because she could play with the tablets while I was thinking. We left there and went to Sam's Club to get some food and a few things for the hotel. We made the rounds and sampled all that was offered and then settled in for a hot dog for me, a pretzel for baby girl. We left and went to Walmart for a few items, then made it to the hotel where we spent an hour and a half going through pricing, inventory and the general business of hospitality. We made it home at 3:30 and the girls got off a very empty bus by themselves. The boys rode the bus up to the ski hill and spent the afternoon skiing with their friends, they had a blast. The girls spilled they stockpile of valentines on the table and I got to sort through them looking for any really loving ones from boys but they were all generic. I told them of the time I was in 8th grade and a girl spilled her heart out to me in a card and I was so embarrassed I pushed it all the way to the bottom of the garbage can when I got home so no one else would see it. Poor girl, we never talked again. She went vulnerable with me and I did not know what to do so I hid my vulnerability. HAHA, never would have realized that a few months ago. I told them of when I was a freshman and another girl gave me a card that was huge, it was like two feet tall. I was really embarrassed on that one, not sure what I did with it but I definitely did not want my family to see that one. It is amazing that I am as social as I am now, that is now how I was growing up. I was quiet, reserved and kind of serious. Now I am loud, obnoxious and I goof off too much. haha, life is funny. Jane called really early tonight and we had a quick conversation. She had a good day, and the girls got to talk to her a little bit longer since the boys were not here. I made some leftovers dinner  and then the boys called and they were ready to be picked up. I loaded the girls and we went to the school and gathered our little men, they were so excited to tell me about their day. They all skied well and there were no injuries. I am glad they had a good time. We came home and ate dinner and everyone was so tired and getting on my nerves again so I had them all in bed for the night at 8! It was great. I am going to finish up my email, find a movie to watch and go to bed. Would love to have my wife in my arms next to me watching something good but I will have to be content with my heated mattress pad tonight. Four day weekend starts tomorrow, the good news is I get to sleep in. The bad news is that I will have to have extraordinary patience for the next four days including a 8 hour drive with six kids on Saturday. It is totally worth it to see Jane though and I know it will be really good for her to see the kids.

What can I say to go vulnerable tonight? I have a lot of empathy for single parents with kids, especially widowed parents. I have heard a lot of judgements over the years about how speedy some people get married after the death of a spouse. I can understand why to a small degree. Jane of course is not dying but I am only into this a little over a month and I can't imagine living the rest of my life from the perspective of a widower. It would be so difficult to do this by myself day in and day out. It would be depressing and lonely. I will have a far great amount of sympathy and understanding in the future. It stinks, I cannot only imagine what it must feel like when it is permanent through death. I don't ever want to go there. I just assume Jane and I die together when we are old and our kids are all raised, that is the way to go.

Finances and ED

Jane and her therapist called for our weekly counseling session. Jane wanted me to think of some things that I wanted to talk about. There were really only three things that I want to talk about- finances, intimacy and social media. (So there you have it Jane! That is what is coming your way:)  but I really wanted to talk about those in person. One thing led to another and we ended up talking about the finances. It has been a big struggle in our marriage. We talked about how a majority of it is lack of communication, which I whole heartedly agree with. We also talked about how there is a difference in our goals, which I also agree with. My financial goals are to be out of debt completely, residual income coming in, and sufficient for our needs to have a comfortable, fun life. That is what I have worked for ever since I ended high school. I want my wife and children to be secure, no matter what happens to me. It has always been my goal to know that if I died, Jane would be taken care of. We will work through what Jane's goals are in the coming months. I just feel like we have been at odds and there has been too much secrecy in our finances. I will admit that I have been frustrated with her over the years, some of it probably justifiable, other times I was overzealous and a jerk. I think that spending more than we have and eating disorders go hand in hand. When Jane was struggling with her ED, she spent money to numb it out. I never understood that until recently. Sometimes I would get our credit card bill at the end of the month and be so frustrated, sad and a little angry at what got spent. I think we can find a happy medium. I want to have Jane see the money that goes out every month and to know what it takes to live the life that we do. It is very expensive, even though we live a conservative life. It is hard and has been hard to support a family. I have spent the last 16 years of my life trying to get to the point that I am at now and it did not happen by mistake. I love that fact that I can stay home every day right now with my 4 year old and not stress about whether or not we will have enough money next week. That is a great security to me. I remember being a 16 year  old teenager and coming home from school and seeing my dad sitting on a couch reading a book. That was not normal for a teenager with a dad at his age.  I mentioned it to him one day how I wish I could stay home and hang out with my future wife. He told me that I could, I just had to be smart and be focused on providing for my family in a righteous way. I know that to be true. We have had some financially trying times in our marriage, from the townhouses we built, to subdivisions we developed, to our pizza place and all the dramas along the way. But God has always blessed me for my efforts and I acknowledge His hand in that fully. I do want to have fun and spend our money in fun ways now, and now is the time to enjoy it. I have a goal to have our house paid off by the end of this year and I think that it will happen, I have all the pieces in play to make it happen. Once that is done, we will have more time and more fund available to do, I just did not have a lot of either of those over the last 14 years, there was times when I could barely get through the month paying the bills we had with the little money that I had saved. So I want Jane to be part of this now. I want her to want to pay off our mortgage just as much as I do, so that some of that stress can be taken off of my shoulders and so that I will know that no matter what happens to me, her and the kids will be okay. So we had a good session, I was glad to talk about it and excited to talk about again.

Jane sounded awesome tonight, she said she was now in it and she was going to stop feeling bad for herself and get better. That made me really happy, I am glad that we are finally to this point, I have been waiting for it for awhile. The insurance company is moving her to the RTC tomorrow (not sure if that is the right letters, I have not idea what it means) so she will be with the phase two girls even though she will still be in phase one. It will be good for her, she will be with girls who are in recovery stage, not just refeeding. She sounded really good and upbeat tonight, I can see progress being made and it gives me a cheerful heart. We ended our conversation, I finished tucking in the girls and then I spent 15 minutes reading a book with my little boy. So overall a pretty good day.

I forgot to tell a quick experience that made me happy from yesterday. After I got done taking a walk with the dogs, I walked in the kitchen and found my second oldest boy making lunches for everyone. I did not ask him to do it, but he had all the meat and cheese out and was just in lunch mode. I gave him a big hug and told him thank you. It was really sweet to see him do that for me, his mom and his brothers and sisters.
Jane said she was worried about my emotional and mental state today. I have been a beaten down man for the last two months. It has been crummy and there were times that I was angry, hurt, sad, devastated, sorrowful and relieved. It has been a gut wrenching roller coaster ride. She asked me what she could do to help. I told her to try her best. She told us today that she took a food challenge, eating more than what is required. That made me happy. It made me happy to hear her upbeat voice again. Tonight I go to bed happier than I have been for awhile, I know that my wife is entering recovery mode and that makes me happy. I know that she has huge challenges ahead and there will by amazingly hard struggles to overcome, but she can do it and she is getting her mind and body in the right place to be successful. So for those reasons, I am happy and content tonight. And.... I love my girl!!

We are at a intersection of many roads, all marked with signs that describe sadness except one, 'Full Recovery'.

Got to see my girl again today. I got to the Center at 10:45 am but they would not let me in because they said visiting hours started at 2pm. I was sad but I did not want to argue with them, so I left and went down the street to a church and went to the services. I got back to the Center at 2, and  I walked in and saw my girl sitting on the couch. It is always good to see her. She looked happy and that made me happy. We sat in one of the small living rooms for a bit and talked and held each other, then it was warm enough to go outside so we went and sat down on the bench and talked some more. One of Jane's unmarried friends at the center,  pulled her aside and asked her how we never ran out of things to talk about. Jane just laughed and said that we did and we would just start all over again. It is hard to have things to talk about, my life has gotten pretty routine and Jane's is routine as well. We can only talk about the our life so much and talk about our future plans for so long. Normally at that point, back when we were dating, we would start making out and not need to talk, but here we just start over and talk about it over again. It was nice to sit outside in the warm sun. The trees are budding out and the tulips are popping through the soil right now. Very strange weather for February. So we basked in the sun until it disappeared and then we went inside and had white knuckled game of Bananagrams. So that is what we come to, instead of making out we make out words with little plastic tiles. Haha, never saw that one coming. Jane had to go to dinner so I stayed behind and read a book and listened to the fit of a 13 year old Bulimic girl who did not want to eat dinner. It was hard to read when the yelling of 'I hate you, I hate you, I hope you die, I hope you get fat' rang out of her eating disordered mouth. So sad. So young. I hope this is our only and last experience with an eating disorder. I am not sure I can do it again. Jane came back, she ate her whole meal and she was in good spirits, we stared into each others eyes for another hour and when we could stare no longer, I left and began my journey home. I was happy that I came down, Jane seems to be in a better spot right now and really wants to progress and move through the program, so that made me happy that she was giving it her all. I had a uneventful trip home,  and pulled into the driveway at about 11:30.

I loved seeing Jane yesterday. I miss her so much. It is a lonely time of my life. I can see why people go into depression. I can understand why some people would rather just stay in bed rather than face life each day. I am at a interesting point in my life where I can get glimpses into these abysses of sorrow, and feel what it is like to be in them. I don't like it. I am struggling to be at a happy place, my world has come to a sad point. Every where I turn the discussions are the same, there are looks of sorrow from all I meet and my children have a undertone of sadness about them. I do not like this. I can't wait for this act in the play of our lives to be over and we can move on to happier times, the next scene. I still don't understand how we got to this point. Life was moving on  a good clip and everything seemed to be going in a good direction. I don't know why Jane's ED came on so strong at this point. I don't understand why it affected her the way it did. I just know that it has brought more sorrow to our lives than we have ever experienced and it is trying us as a family in ways that I never expected. The kids are holding up okay. I think my little girl's remark tonight sums it up perfectly, ' I miss my mom and I want her here with us'. I can only agree and try to console and make them happy. I know that we will find happiness in the future, I just wonder what the future holds for Jane and I and the kids. We at a intersection of many roads, all marked with signs that describe sadness except one, 'Full Recovery'. Even that road will have potholes and twists and turns, good days and bad days. I hope that is the road that is chosen. The other have names like 'depression, withdrawal, loneliness, repeat visit, anger, silence, and rebellion'. I hope we can find the right road together as a family and leave that intersection forever behind. It was hard enough the first time, I don't want to ever do this again. I love Jane, I know she loves me and the kids. My heart aches for her as I know that the sorrow and guilt that she must be having must feel like the powers of hell are against her. The only thing I can do now is to show her my support, try to be a good dad, and give her whatever part of me that I can manage right now, either in person or in written word. I feel a bid helpless  and inadequate at the tasks that I do each day, but it is all that I have and all that I can give. I just hope the Lord will take care of my wife and my children in the parts that I cannot meet. And... I love my girl!

I am still bitterly amazed at the strength that this eating disorder has on my wife

Got up, fed the kids pancakes, prayed, sang and kissed good bye. Cleaned, showered, shaved, bathed a little one and checked email. Pretty run of the mill stuff this morning. I think the excitement of the night was when we decided to leave the dogs out last night. They were great at first, they were barking a bit and I thought it would be great to have a watch dog or two running around at night for when jane gets home. So I went to bed and after two hours of listening to the dogs chase each other, and deer, and raccoons, and rabbits and skunks around, and around, and around the house, I gave up. I got out of bed, walked out to the garage in my pajamas, opened the door, whistled, got Alabama in side, picked him up, walked out to the kennel through the snow barefoot in my pajamas, put him in the kennel and came back inside and went back to bed to peace and quiet. The kids heard them barking all evening also, needless to say, we were all tired this morning. The dogs definitely will be kenneled every night from now on. So anyway, I dropped baby girl off at her friend's house for library day and then I went to my little girl's school to meet her for lunch. I had a sloppy joe, potatoes, applesauce, and lima beans, topped off with a chocolate milk. She was so excited that I was there, we ate and talked and all the kids sat there and stared at our table, wanting to come sit by us. But it was just my daughter and I. It was fun. I need to do this more often. With the other kids too. I got done there and then I had to run back home to meet the fuel truck to fill my gas tank. I bought 700 gallons at $1.84 a gallon. I  think that we have hit the bottom of the fuel prices. We will see.  Jane and her therapist called at 3 and I headed home and we did family counseling while I was driving. It was good. I am not quite sure how I am feeling tonight. I feel so distant from Jane right now. Here at home, I think that everything is moving along and that she is working through her trials. I think of the this summer when we are back together again and I visualize us being together and madly in love again. I visualize Jane restored to a healthy weight and eating a normal amount of food again. Then I get on the phone with her and I realize that even though my mind is already in summer and I am excited for it, Jane is barely getting through the first half of phase one. She still does not want to eat. That is hard, her up-hill journey is just starting and I am already rejoicing at the end result. I know that she is giving it her all. It cannot be easy being away from us reading about all the normal things that we are doing every day. I would hate that if I was in her shoes, but I would also want to know what is going on. I just feel like I don't understand what she is thinking. I want to know what it feels like but that will probably never be possible. I am still bitterly amazed at the strength that this eating disorder has on my wife. It holds her hostage to healing. It is sad, and I feel bad that Jane is having to go through this. Jane is still a bit insecure about us I think. I told her that as long as she keeps trying, I will be fine. I will figure out a way to make this work. As long as I know that she is not just going through the motions, then I can put up with a lot. I don't want to have to go through this again. I don't want to have to watch my wife go to the brink of death and get pulled back at the last minute. I don't want to have to drive my wife to the center and drop her off for a undetermined amount of time again. I am not saying that I could not or would not do it again, but I don't want to. I want this time to count, I want jane to come home with the tools she will need to cope with the ED. That is my hope, that is what the hundreds and hundreds of prayers have been for. I won't give up on her as long as she does not give up on her. We will get through this some how. I am really glad that I get to see her on Sunday this week. I need to be with her again soon.

'We' is all we got, so 'We' has got to get better

Snoring, that is what I woke up to. It was amazing snoring, loud and boisterous. Sounded like a 40 year old man. But it was from a 35 lb four year old with a sassy attitude that manipulates me into giving her what she wants. Yes, baby girl snuck into bed with me last night because she had a bad dweam. My favorite word she says is fart. She make the 'sh' sound instead of the 'f' sound and it is hilarious when she does it. We all know what 'Shart' means when someone says it, I am sure I don't have to explain. My little cusser. She actually is a cusser, she will be playing a computer game and mess up or lose and she will let our a loud 'Dang it!' it is so funny. Her brother found her some new games to play on the computer that involve nursery rhymes. She loves it. So now she walks around the house singing about 'Georgie Porgie' and the rhyme about the lady with lots of kids in a shoe. So anyways, enough about the little squirt who rules my life right now, I got up and made crepes for breakfast, prayed, sang and preached. Good byes were said and kisses were give. I cleaned the house, did the dishes, dressed a picky 4 year old ( I am now limiting her to one set of clothes a day, if I didn't she would have four different outfits on the floor at the end of the day.) I emailed, I talked, I consulted, I shared, I mourned, I tried to sell. We had lunch and then we made a run to town to give one of our new tenants the keys to his unit he is renting and then stopped by the bank. I was looking at my text as I was driving on the back roads to town (bad I know, no traffic though, ever...) and baby girl got scared and she reached over and grabbed the wheel so we could not crash. I laughed my head off. She cannot see over the dashboard. So now my 4 year old thinks she can drive better than me. Too funny. We got home and I had to work on the computer and pay bills. The kids came home happy. We had snacks and then we had THREE dinners dropped off tonight, all from neighbors. I feel so grateful today for the love that is being shown to us. I realized that it is not me why they are doing it. Jane has treated people so kindly over the years, she is always the one taking a meal over or making a treat for someone. I am the one that grudgingly drives the car. Everyone just wants to help out. I love that. So we ate dinner, one of the neighbors came and picked up the boys for scouts and I played the Wii with the kids and then put the girls down for bed. My little guy and I started watching one of my favorite new shows, 'Brain Games' and then the boys came home and we finished it up. I had them all tucked into bed and then there was a knock on the door. I opened the door and standing in front of me was one my old best friends. I have not seen him in months. He had the boys with him and I invited him in and we sat down and visited for awhile. He told me that he was sorry for not being a good friend. He told me that he was sorry that he was not there for me when we were in the struggle for our lives. I told him of some of the struggles that we had gone through and we were both a bit emotional. As he was leaving he threw his arms around me and told me he loved me and to be sure to call if I needed anything. He also apologized for not inviting me to his cattle drive this year, he felt bad about that and said he would never do that again. They left and I was glad that he stopped by. It was good to see him as I have not seen him for awhile.

So I am missing my girl tonight. I know I don't have to write that anymore, but it still feels good to write it. I miss her, I miss her, I miss her!!! I just want to go back to those early years of our marriage. I look back and they were such happy times. It might be because we did not have TV and only a few kids, it seems like we had a little more time for us in the evenings. Maybe not, maybe it is just old man thoughts, life is always better in the past...... We have had a great marriage over the years. We really have. We have spent some amazing times together and done some amazing things. This experience is making me realize that I want to be around Jane more. I was never mean or rude to her, sometimes I just did not give her all of me, and I want that to change. I am probably going to be a 'helicopter husband'  when she gets out, just hovering around her all the time. We will just have to find a happy medium. We will find it when the time is right. I cannot imagine this being my normal life from here on out. It would be miserable! I want to have Jane here with me to listen to the cute things that get said by our kids nonstop, to listen to baby girl sing about Georgie Pordgie kissing girls a the top of her lungs, to watch my nine year old girl going on sixteen roll her eyes at me, to see the little whiskers appearing under my 12 years olds nose as he starts to become a man, to watch my argumentive eleven year old complain about how nothing is fair and to see my youngest boy fold his arms and nod his head at a job well done. These things are what make our life real. And in between all that there is the fighting, screaming, whining and messes, but this is real life, our real life. One day it will all be over and the kids will be gone and we will rip out the play doh stained carpets, paint over the grafittied walls, and get rid of the urine soaked mattresses. We will then just have each other and an occasional grand child. 'We' is all we got, so 'We' has got to get better. So get better we will, Jane on her end, me on my end. In a few months the two of us will be back together, madly in love and more whole than we were before. We will hug a little closer, kiss a little longer, talk a lot more, be passionate more often, be more honest, more caring and more understanding. I look forward to that day more than anything right now. And.... I love my girl!!

Visiting my girl

Today I got to go to the Center to see my girl. I was so excited to be able to spend the afternoon with her. She looked happy when she came around the corner and I was on the couch waiting for her. We hung out all afternoon, just the two of us. She laid on the couch with me and I just held her and we talked about our kids, our life, our happy times, some sad times. We talked about the future and about her struggles with her ED. I find myself falling more in love with her now that she is opening up to me. I think that she always thought that I would be driven from her if I found out about her struggles, but it is having the opposite effect on me, I love her more now than I did months ago. I find that the more she lets me into her feelings and thoughts, the more sympathy and understanding I have towards her plight. I miss her, it is hard to give her a hug and a kiss and walk out those doors and drive home for four hours, but it is worth it to me. I want to win her back from her ED. It has won so many battles against me over the years that I feel now is the time for me to win those battles back and get my girl back. Whatever it takes. I will go down there as often as they will allow me if it is going to be beneficial to Jane. I need her back with me and I want her to be whole and healed. I left the Center happy and hopeful. Jane seemed liked she was doing better yesterday than ever since I dropped her off and that gave me hope and encouragement. So I left with a happy heart, but sad body. The body wants her here with me to hold and to love, the heart wants her to get the help she needs and get control over her life again. I left at about 9 pm. I was worried about falling asleep on the way home but my brother called me right after I left and we talked till I  got half way home. I stopped at Arby's and the guy on the drive through intercom gave me a fish sandwhich rhyme. I replied with a rhyme of my own that was quite good and long and then ordered three Jr. roast beef sandwiches. The workers like my rap (as they referred to it) so much that they gave me a fourth sandwich for free and offered me a free drink. I declined on the drink as I already had a open Dr. Pepper sitting there but cheerfully accepted the free sandwich and parted with another short rhyme. One of my friends called me shortly thereafter and he talked me for an hour. Then another friend called and he talked me home, so I arrived home at about 1:45, having been kept safe by my band of brethren. I have such good friends. They just look out for me, most the time I don't think they know what they are doing, the Lord is just taking care of me in little ways. I found my mother here, kids were asleep, house was clean and my mother was tired. We chatted for a bit and then she left and I went to bed.
I woke this morning to the kids fighting..... charming isn't it. After not being able to take it any longer, I finally got up and showered and shaved. It was good to see the kids, they missed me. The girls bathed in my tub and then I got there hair done and dressed. I sat down and planned my lesson for church today. It was on the Plan of Salvation. I put together all the scriptures I wanted to use, then figured I would rely on the Lord for the presentation part. I had a few minutes to spend with my oldest boy. I think he is struggling a bit with his mom gone, he is sad and not afraid to tell me so when I ask. This is a hard deal on the kids, they are putting up with it and dealing with the emotions but it is not easy on them. They need their mom here, but they also realize that their mom needs to be down there right now. That is a tough battle for these little chilluns to understand. We finished getting ready and we headed out the door and got to church on time. I was asked to teach the youth today. I love teaching. I think I am happiest when I have the scriptures in my hand, a room full of people and a lesson to teach. Those are my happiest hours. Some would say I am crazy, but whenever I am teaching, it is when I feel the most joy. I love teaching the gospel of Christ. I especially love teaching a room full of youth.  I long for that. It is my passion. Very few things, outside my family relationships, get me fired up and excited as teaching. The lesson went well, I had a few tears that came out of the young men, towards the end I had 100% of their attention and they loved my lesson. So I am grateful for the Spirit and that I could be an instrument in helping them feel it.

So one of my all time favorite memories of Jane came back to my memory last night as I was driving home. This was a few years ago, her brother and I had gone hunting in the mountains and we had a miserably cold, snowy, unsuccessful hunt. I pulled in the driveway by myself, pulling the horse trailer with a few horses in it. I pulled back to the corrals and backed up and got out and started unloading the horses and some gear. Jane saw that I was home, after being gone for a few days, and she came out the garage door and ran across the yard, past my truck and right into my arms. We hugged and kissed for a moment. That made me so happy. It was a small thing but I could see that she was excited to see me and that meant everything to me. I had some love language discussion with the guys yesterday while waiting for the plane to take off (funny right, of all things to talk about) I told them that Jane loved to have me give her thoughtful gifts and experiences. For me, the gifts are not as important. I do love having experiences with my wife as well, but what really shows that Jane loves me is when she touches me and when she shows me affection. So when I saw her run across the yard to me and hug me, I was the happiest guy in the world. I knew that my wife missed me and that meant everything to me right then. I am going to try a lot better to show my love to Jane in whatever way she needs. I hope that she will do the same so that we can both feel the passionate love that we have for each other. We are both so different but we both want to feel loved, wanted and needed. It just takes different things for us both to feel that. It is fine that we are different, that is what makes life so interesting. But we should not neglect the other persons communication level simply because it is not our own. I need to adapt and change, and I will. It is going to be so much easier knowing what Jane needs from me in the coming years because we have opened the channels of communication and will continue to open more of them up. I like that, it makes me happy. And, I love my girl!!!

This has afffected to me tremendously

I feel so void of emotions these last two days, I am not sure if I am just tired or maybe I just filled my emails to Jane last week with so much emotion that I don't have much in me. The days are flying by so fast, I can't believe it has been three weeks. Jane read my emails from the other night, including my first one. She told me tonight that she was surprised how much her ED affected me in the last weeks and days before she left. That kind of surprised me. Not sure if she thinks that I did not care about her or if she thinks that her disorder was no big deal. So of course, after our conversation ended and I turned on my analytical side of my brain, I thought what would have happened if our roles were reversed and I was the one withering away from a disorder or disease. I think Jane would have been in more of a panic mode than I was. I think she would have pleaded, enticed, prayed, been confused, and maybe a bit angry. These are human emotions. This has affected me tremendously. It is easy for me to say that now, I am now a stay at home dad raising 6 kids. But before Jane left, it had affected me tremendously. I honestly wondered, as we trudged through December, if I would be standing at my wife's grave in a few months with six crying kids. Every time I saw her get on her elliptical or exercising in the kitchen, it made me so mad and sad at the same time. I felt like there was nothing I could do to stop her. I saw her wasting away right before my eyes. I had people ask me what I was going to do and I would get tears in my eyes and say that there was nothing I could do. When Jane finally invited me to go see the Dr. with her, I was so relieved. I was so relieved when he was as concerned as I was, I finally had someone on my team who Jane would listen to. That was huge for me. The mixture of emotions that sprang up in me in the latter half of December was dreadful. One night I could not sleep so I got up and went down and sat in front of the fireplace and wept, I just did not know what to do. I sat down there for hours, trying to figure out our next move, nothing came to mind. The problem was that it had to be Jane's initiative, not mine. That is extremely hard as a spouse to have to let your wife do what she wants, even when I could see the harm that it was causing her, and her relationship with me and the kids. That is a tough pill to swallow. One day when Jane was running errands, I was in the kitchen, baby girl was at the bar eating breakfast and i just had a melt down. Uncontrollable, nasty, disfigured face bawling. I could not control it, i was just so sad that Jane was going through this. It was miserable that first month when I found out. It was such a relief, a sad relief, when I finally walked out the doors at the Center by myself. I knew she would get the help she needed. Jane, even today, said that she does not feel that she is sick, she still wonders if she should be there. I hope one day she will realize how sick she was and that all of those who love her, had true concerns. I think she will come to a full realization one day as too how close to death she was. My brother, the Dr., or myself were not wrong in being so concerned. I miss her dearly now, but I will just be missing her for months, not the rest of my life, and for that I will be eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father for helping her get the help that she needed so badly. I love Jane, she is the happiest part of my life. I want her back with me, but I will be patient and hope for a happy and whole Jane when this process has finished. And.... I love my girl!

Our first visit to the Center to see our girl....

It is 1:15am. I am tired. I just got home from visiting my wife for the first time since she left us, we left at 5 am. It was a long day. My head is swimming with thoughts and feelings that have been swirling in my head for the last 12 hours. I realize that I need to sit down and write it out, sometimes it is the only way I can understand my emotions.

We got up this morning at 5 am. I made baked oatmeal last night and put it in the fridge so it would be an easy breakfast. I got up first, showered and shaved then went down and woke up each of the kids. It was fun waking them up, they slowly opened their eyes and then I said, 'Let's go see mom.' and their eyes got huge and they jumped out of bed. They really wanted to see her and hold her. We got up, and ate breakfast together and were able to be on the road by 6:45. Our journey was pretty uneventful, except at one point of the journey we hit freezing rain and black ice. I was doing 80 mph and saw police lights up ahead a few miles. I hit the brakes to test the pavement and it was a sheet of ice. I am glad I tested it then and not when I had to stop. We slowed down and watched wreck after wreck go by, from rolled minivans to toppled, burned out semi trucks. It was sobering to see how quickly a trip down the highway can end in tragedy. We went slow and careful until the roads cleared up. The kids did pretty good, and we made it to the Center at 11 am. The kids were starving but I asked them if they would rather eat lunch or go see mom first and they all chose to see mom first. We got to the center and we walked in the family room. I was not sure what to expect, I usually get nervous at the unknown. I was excited to see my girl, I was just no sure how it would all work out. The kids were in front of me as we walked into the center, Jane came walking around the corner and she was so excited to see the kids. That moment right there made the 9 hours of driving today worth it. She had a huge smile on her face and she gave a huge hug to each one of the kids and me. She then introduced us to each of her friends, me and my youngest son were squirming, we just felt uncomfortable. I was not sure what to say, or do, so I just smiled at let them goggle over the kids for a minute. We then went into one of the small family rooms and we visited for 45 minutes. It was so good to see Jane, I have missed her so much. The kids were excited to tell her everything... and they did. We watched some home movies that we had made and then we had to leave so Jane could go eat lunch. We went to get lunch across the street and ate hamburgers and fries. I would have cringed at taking all the kids to lunch by myself a few months ago, now it seems normal. Just organized chaos. I ordered food four times before everyone was finally filled. The last thing I wanted was kids asking for snacks in front of ED girls at the center :) We went back to the center and Jane was done with lunch and waiting for us. We spent the next two hours playing games and just talking. I enjoyed our time together again. My emotions were mixed. I was happy to be there but I was kind of quiet, from being tired and from the somber scene i was watching unfold. Jane was glad that we were there. She showed us what she had been working on and I was able to go through her notebooks and see some of her notes and understand a little bit better as to what she is going through. The kids started getting restless around three o'clock, so we thought it would be best to leave. Jane gave all the kids and myself hugs and then we left and went to the park down the street so the kids could run some energy off. I promised them a visit to a fun park so we went and the kids got to climb the rock wall, bounce up and down on the leaping frog, and shoot each other in Laser Tag. It was fun, I was tired so I probably was a bit of a downer. I invited some friends to come with us and it was good to hang out with them a little bit.  They invited us over for dinner so we went to their house afterwards. The kids were getting on my nerves by the time we got to their house. They were hungry and arguing about everything. I cringed and complained in my heart of hearts that I still had to drive four hours home. I was dreading it. We had a nice dinner, sloppy joes and French fries. We finally got on the road about 9 pm. I knew the kids were tired but i did not know they were REALLY tired. They were all asleep within 30 minutes and they slept the whole way home. I was so happy that we did not have any meltdowns on the way home. I will count that as a tender mercy from God, my patience tank was bumping empty so i needed a nice quiet drive to ponder on our day and on my wife. We got home just before 1 am, the boys went out to feed the dogs, i went out to feed the horses and ten minutes later everyone was in bed and asleep. Long day, glad we did it. It was worth it and it was so good to see Jane.
I was happy to see Jane. It was tough at the same time. I have been analyzing why in my mind for the last 12 hours and i am still not certain why. I have missed her so much. I miss her here with me. I miss spending time with her. To pass the evenings, i have spent a lot of time watching old home movies and looking at pictures from over the years. Not seeing her for the last 18 days has been hard, we have never been apart this long. I think that as i was looking at all of these pictures and watching the movies, her current physical condition had somewhat disappeared from my mind. I had forgotten how thin she was when i dropped her off because i have been looking at the pictures of her healthy for the last two weeks. When i walked into the center, and she came around the corner, she was very thin and underweight, just like when i had dropped her off.  It caught be by surprise again. Feelings of anger came over me and i was mad at her ED again, just like before she left. I did not want to be mad, but when i saw what it had a done to her body over the last 6 months,  i had a conflict of emotions raging in my head. I want her to be healthy again so bad. It was good to sit and talk to her and hold her, but it is just not real to me. We were in a 8'x8' room, with a big observation window and nurses are watching us constantly. Before i could give Jane and envelope with pictures and cards the kids had made, they had to go through it and make sure there was nothing harmful in the package. The more i analyzed the situation, the more the emotions i was having intensified. I was not mad at Jane, she gave me a copy of a autobiography that she wrote and i just got done reading it. After reading it, it was again confirmed to me that she did nothing to bring this on herself. I know i have been referring to the ED as the culprit these last couple of days, but in my spiritual reality, ED is a product of Satan. And he is laughing right now. He has got us in a sad spot. The Jane and I who have 6 amazing kids and were the model family, always striving to be good parents, are now separated and we have to visit our wife/mom who is locked in a prison camoflagued as a hospital. I can just see the celebratory gnashing of teeth that is taking place. We could easily fall of this precipice and drown in the mire of sin and sorrow. As i was driving home, i realized that this will be one of the most difficult tests of our personal life and married life. I think this is the fulfillment of the scriptures. The Lord promises his followers that we will be 'tried, even as Abraham'. That is a huge promise, Abraham was asked to sacrifice his only son. He put his everything on the altar. I can't imagine putting my son on an altar and raising a knife above my head to kill him, but that is what the Lord commanded Abraham to do. In a way, Jane and i are at that point right now. We are being asked to do the nearly impossible. Hers is to overcome a terrible addiction and mental disorder, which i know she has struggled with ever since she was young. I am being asked to show patience and understanding and to do the nearly impossible task of doing everything, even when i feel like i can't. This is our moment where we decide who we are going to become for the rest of our lives. It is a pivotal point of our lives, as important as the day we were married and committed ourselves to each other. The decisions that we are both making are going to have an eternal effect on our children, for the good, or the bad. Satan has been working on me like crazy. I am being tempted everyday. I hate it. I am mad about it and it is easy for me to think that this is Jane's fault, even though i know it is not true. Satan wants to pit me against my wife and having hundreds of miles in between us is the easiest way to do it. He laughs at our tears and our sorrows. He laughs at the confusion in our kids minds. He rejoices to see us doubt and question the process. He thinks he is going to win us. He thinks he is going to capture the health of our daughters one day, just like he did their moms'. He thinks he can tempt me out of the promises that i have made to Jane.  I think this is part of the reason i have felt so inspired to write these long journal entries to Jane. It is building a strong wall of defiance against Satan around our marriage. Every night i go to bed with a new sense of courage and resolve, and happy memories of a loving wife. I need that more than ever right now. He will not get me. If he gets me, he takes a whole family too. I will not allow it. He may laugh now, but his laughing is going to soon become groans as he see us become stronger than ever. He has no idea what he just made. We will be stronger individuals, better parents, a madly in love couple, and have children who know what it is like to have one of their most precious gifts taken away from them for awhile. We will be stronger than before. We will be able to talk of the love of Christ with a new sense of knowledge and finality. We will be able to testify of the healing affects of the Christ's love like never before, as we have experienced a hell and been healed from its effects. We will be able to help others struggling with similar issues and be able to show understanding and empathy towards them, as we have been in their shoes and know the pains they are experiencing. Satan laughs now, but it is short lived. The strength in the promises that we made to God and each other are powerful, and i know that we have angels surrounding us to keep us lifted up. There is just too much riding on this situation not to have their help. So in writing this tonight, i am not angry anymore. I feel loved by my Heavenly Father and i know that He is watching over me as never before. I feel overwhelmed and saddened, but i know that we will get through this. I am saddened at the sight of my best friend and lover again, and a renewed sense of the  enormity of the battle she is waging is fresh on my mind. She is in the fight of her life against her cottage cheese and pie. Only Satan could hinge a eternal destiny on a small morsel of food. That is why he is the great deceiver. He can gain souls from the simplest of things, even food. I know Jane can get through this. I know i can get through it. I got through today. I will get through tomorrow and the next day will be their waiting for me to conquer as well. Though i don't see the 'heavenly' angels around me, i do see the everyday angels all around me, serving us, feeding us, calling to check up on us, watching little ones, and praying for us. We are surrounded by some of the best people in the world, it is no mistake that we live where we live. I like to think that God had me move to this area in preparation for this moment, because we are surrounded by 'angels' who love us. He knows what is in our futures, He prepare us for it. So i could write letters to ED tonight and tell him how much i hate him, but the satisfaction is short lived. I find more peace in thanking God for the gifts that He so freely has given me and that i know He will continue to give me. I know He wants us better, He will get us there. In the process, we are going to gain a education and understanding that cannot be gained in any other way. Though we are angry and sad about it now, we will one day thank the Lord for the understanding, compassion and faith that we gained from it. I know there is a God, Jesus died for me for the purpose of helping me to find peace in this life and the life to come. I have been blessed beyond my abilities. I married my best friend and I love her so much, we have the best kids in the world and we live in the place that God wanted us to live. What more could i ask for? I am a blessed man. And... I love my girl!

Being a Fommy

So the alarm clock went off at 6:15 this morning. The wind was blowing pretty good outside and our room was freezing. I once again had  a snoring little red head next to me. Another bad 'dweam'. I jumped out of bed because my Isaac (my youngest boy) wanted dutch babies and they take a bit longer to cook, so no lounging in bed this morning. He was bright and chipper, 'Jane' got him some new clothes and a watch to wear today and he was pretty excited about that. We did our morning devotional first this morning, then ate breakfast and got the chilluns out the door. They left happy. Isaac had a surprise birthday call from 'Jane' this morning before he left. I asked him how it was and he said that she sang to him. He said it was weird. Isaac thinks everything is weird though. I can't wait for him to be a teenager, I will show him weird then in front of his friends. It will be epic... So once the kids were gone, I cleaned the house up and I spent the morning on my computer. I was going to go to town but then I decided I would rather just stay home. I think if I was a full time house dad, or fommy,  I would only leave the house once a week and I would be content. I would much rather stay home. No people to deal with, no traffic, just me and my 45 acres of heaven. We ate lunch and then decided to decorate a cake that we made for Isaac yesterday. He wanted a race track with horses so we made green grass around the track with pistachio pudding and green coconut and then used chocolate pudding for the track. We stole some lego guys from his brother's room (he was so gracious when he got home, I could tell he did not like it but he did not say anything. I thanked him tonight and he was glad that I took the time to notice his patience). All the lego guys were watching the horses race. They were a bit scattered, some were shooting guns, carrying swords and even  Luke Skywalker showed up, but hey, it was a horse race. It attracts all types. Baby Girl was very helpful in cleaning up all the bowls of pudding as I was done with them, she just licked away. After we were done, I realized I had a lot of cake so I invited the some friends and my brother and his wife and kids. One of our friends was sick, my brother and family couldn't make it, and 'Jane's' best friend said yes but her husband would not be coming because he was out of town for work. Haha. That always happens to me.  Isaac and his buddy got off the bus together, we had pudding for a snack and then they took off to walk the dog and do their thing. I had to make dinner. We ended up having purple mashed potatoes, gravy, pork chops, corn and carrots. It was a celebratory feast and everyone liked it, but his buddy did not like the purple mashed potatoes. That is okay, the girls ate enough for him too, makes me really happy right now when I see my little girls enjoy their food :)  We finished up dinner and got everything cleaned up and then 'Jane's' friend came over with her kids. It actually was not awkward, she knows my kids so well. She wanted to make sure Isaac had a good birthday so it was good that we had a little party for him. I realized we had no candles so I had the girls wander around the house finding candles wherever they could. When we were done, we had a cake in the middle of ten large, lit candles, it looked like a Buddhist offering horse race with all candles circled around the cake. We took a few pics for 'Jane' and then we sang to him and he blew out the candles. We had cake and ice cream and then Isaac opened his gifts. 'Jane' called just as we were opening his last present so we got to talk to her for a bit. She sounded good tonight, best yet in the last 16 days. She was very sad that she missed a birthday today, she told me she never wanted to miss another one. I worry that there will be many missed holidays in our future. I am cautiously optimistic that she made some good mental strides today though and she is going to try to speed things along a little bit. The desire to hurry is all hers, I want her to stay as long as she needs. I don't want to rush this and have her need to leave me again.  Once is enough for me to appreciate her a whole lot more. Of course I want her back with me as soon as she can, that is obvious. I miss her so much. My life is dull and boring without her. So after we chatted, it was bed time for the kiddos so 'Jane's' friend left and I got the kids in their jammies and read to them and then put them to bed. Overall, it was a good day. Isaac felt special and we ate well. I am tired, and ready for bed.

A happy memory of 'Jane' today was from the first time we really went camping together. My brother had a new camp trailer and they wanted us to come with them. I thought it would be great to take the enclosed trailer and we could just sleep in it on the floor. We got everything ready, it was 2005 or 2006 so the boys were really small. I carried two four wheeler in the trailer with all of our camping gear and we headed to the hills. We pulled up to the lake and got out and the mosquitoes were terrible. But we thought they would go away and they did as the night progressed. The kids had a blast playing down on the beach, we ate dinner and got the boys all tucked in their sleeping bags in the trailer. We stayed up late around the camp fire and then we watched a movie underneath the stars. When the movie was over, we creeped into our cold trailer and crawled into our sleeping bags and went to sleep. We slept through the night but then the sun started coming up and i could hear a constant humming that woke me up. I came to and looked over at my little boy lying next to me and his face was covered with mosquitoes. The humming was from the millions of mosquitoes that had some how gotten inside the trailer. 'Jane' woke up as well as she was getting eaten alive. So there we sat, early in the morning, slapping bugs off of our faces and off our boys faces. We finally got up and we were both tired and had bites all over our faces. We trudged around and got the kids some breakfast. My brother stepped out of his trailer, rested, showered, warm, and having slept in a bed all night and it dawned on me, we were going to get a camp trailer. No more roughing it. And i am so glad we did, that next winter we drove across the country and bought our first trailer. (that is a journal entry in itself!) Since then we have adventured all around this country (and Mexico) and had some great trips together. I have always enjoyed the trips that we have gone on. We have made a ton of good memories, many more to come i hope.
So i am missing 'Jane' tonight. I want to just lay by her and talk to her and discuss our life together. I want to hold her hand and let her know that i  love her. I want to fall asleep with her lying next to me. I want to wake in the morning and open my eyes and see her there next to me. It is sad every morning when i come to and i realize that she is still gone. You don't know how good you have it till it is gone. The ED gradually took her away from me over the past six months, so it was not quite a full on shock to have her gone. She had drifted away ever so slightly until we hardly talked about anything deep or emotional, just the events of our lives and our comings and goings. I want that to be different when she comes back. I want to have more depth. Of course we will have casual conversations but i want her to open up to me more. I want to open up to her more. I want to know how she is really feeling about me, the kids and our life. Being at home all day has given me an understanding of what it has been like for her for the past 14 years. Taking care of a house full of people is a lot work and it is not very gratifying sometimes. But life is not remembered for a clean house or perfectly made beds, it is about the experiences we have had and the friendships we have made. Looking back at the memories that i have of 'Jane', i have not once thought about the time i came home and found the house vaccumed and the beds all made. I just don't remember that. I do remember coming home and having a wife that is excited to see me and gives me a big hug when i walk in the door. Those are the things that i remember and should be remembered. I don't remember all the times we were on time or early  to a meeting or party. But i do remember the times when i made 'Jane' a little bit late. haha. She was so mad at me a few months ago, i don't even remember where we were going but she drove and man, she used the gas pedal and the brake, sometimes at the same time. What a selfish man i am, i could try a lot harder to be just a little bit better. I am a work in progress. Hopefully when she gets home i will be a bit more sensitive to what she needs and she will be forgiving to me when i am not. She is great, she always is. So i am missing her tonight, hoping that she is giving it her all down there and excited when we are back together again. And... I love my girl!

My wife that I love, the Anorexia that I hate

'Jane' wrote me a letter today, it was so good to hear from her on a personal note. She has not been much for sharing her feelings with me over the years in a detailed sort of way so it was amazing to get a letter with some of her personal thoughts scribed to words. I won't write it out here as it was long but I will scan it in and include it in my journal. I hope this is the first of many letters from her. I treasure knowing her thoughts, dreams, wants, needs and fears. It is a new experience looking into her mind through the glimpses that she gives me. I hope it continues.
So 'Jane' thanked me for being be the love of her life. She appreciated these journals entries that I write to her every night. I have tried to give her a glimpse of the real me, the things I think about each day and the thoughts that I ponder. She did write one line in her letter that I am not sure I understand. I am sure it is the ED writing, and I have a difficult time trying to understand what the ED is saying. She said 'I am really loving your journal entries. They are so honest and so raw, and they leave me feeling so blessed and hopeful and like I do not deserve all the kind things you say about me. I am stuck in a conflict. The love of your life, is my worst enemy. I hate her, but I am trying to love her, so I can feel your love, because I sure need it now.' I just can't understand it. It is almost like there are two people that I am dealing with. One I love, one I hate. The first is 'Jane', the second is Anorexia which speaks through 'Jane'. I don't understand how  'Jane' can say that she hates herself. I just cannot grasp that. The 'Jane' I love is the girl that gave me 6 amazing little squirts. The anorexia that I hate gave my little children less patience and less understanding. The 'Jane' that I love traveled on cruise ships with me, tasting all that the world of food had to offer. The anorexia that I hate ate nasty turnips and iceberg lettuce and took diet pills to appease me. The 'Jane' that I love offered to take 'naps' with me on those amazing afternoons when the windows were open and the breeze blew through the room and I held my sweetheart in my arms. The anorexia that I hate was asleep on the far reaches of our king bed, before I could get into bed. The 'Jane' that I love held me tight on a scooter, after we drank from a fresh coconut in Mexico, or raced me down a scary 1000 foot zip line with courage and bravery. The anorexia that I hate did not want to go out because it had deprived its body of muscle that provided warmth to be outside. The 'Jane' that I loved was so friendly to everyone and loved to have people over for karaoke, a meal or just to hang out. The anorexia that I hate was annoyed by most and was anxious around others. I could go on and on. But I think the point is made. 'Jane' lead others to Light, anorexia was leading itself to loneliness and death. Had my wife ever been threatened with death by anyone, I would have done more than threatened back. But when anorexia raised its ugly head and took my wife to the precipice of death, there was nothing I could do but watch, grow angry, grow sad, feel sorrow, grow angry again and then finally feel relief that death had been averted. I can't describe my feeling over the last two months in words, words will not do it justice. It is the saddest thing that I have had to go through. I know that if the tables were turned, and I was the one struggling with a ED, 'Jane' would be feeling the same thing about me. It is human to feel hard, angry emotions, it is Christlike to overcome them. It is human to be sick, it Christlike to overcome it and conquer it, even if the pains never go away. God does not want 'Jane' to struggle with this the rest of her life. God does not want us apart. God does not want 'Jane' away from her kids, and God does not want me so busy surviving life that I have no time for anything else that is good or of service. None of this come from God, but all of the healing will be His gift. He wants us both better and He will provide the way if we will just follow His path. The path is forgiveness, the path is humility, the path is love. The past is the rear view mirror, small with only glimpses of the past. The future is the windshield, open and wide. It is good to have glimpses of the past just like it is good to know what is behind you when your are driving. But what is important is what is in front of you. Where you are going is what matters most. Some people spend there whole life looking in that little mirror, driving in circle after circle. Some people sit in neutral, wasting the precious time of their lives. Other put it in gear, forget the past and drive on, making the journey the joy. I want to be one of those people. We will remember the time when we were apart one day, we will see it as a turning point of our marriage. We will be open with the struggles that we went through with others who find themselves in similar struggles, but we will drive on. Our live is not going to be centered on a ED. Our life is not going to be based on what happened in the past, no, our life is going to move on and drive forward, thankful for the ups, and downs on this highway of life. God has given us greatness, God wants us to share His greatness. When winter looks like it will never end and the cold squeezes out all the warmth of life, then spring comes and new life is given to all. We are just about to spring. And I love spring!!! and .... I love my Girl!