Got up, fed the kids pancakes, prayed,
sang and kissed good bye. Cleaned, showered, shaved, bathed a little
one and checked email. Pretty run of the mill stuff this morning. I
think the excitement of the night was when we decided to leave the
dogs out last night. They were great at first, they were barking a
bit and I thought it would be great to have a watch dog or two
running around at night for when jane gets home. So I went to bed and
after two hours of listening to the dogs chase each other, and deer,
and raccoons, and rabbits and skunks around, and around, and around
the house, I gave up. I got out of bed, walked out to the garage in
my pajamas, opened the door, whistled, got Alabama in side, picked
him up, walked out to the kennel through the snow barefoot in my
pajamas, put him in the kennel and came back inside and went back to
bed to peace and quiet. The kids heard them barking all evening also,
needless to say, we were all tired this morning. The dogs definitely
will be kenneled every night from now on. So anyway, I dropped baby girl
off at her friend's house for library day and then I went to my little girl's school to
meet her for lunch. I had a sloppy joe, potatoes, applesauce, and
lima beans, topped off with a chocolate milk. She was so excited
that I was there, we ate and talked and all the kids sat there and
stared at our table, wanting to come sit by us. But it was just
my daughter and I. It was fun. I need to do this more often. With
the other kids too. I got done there and then I had to run back home
to meet the fuel truck to fill my gas tank. I bought 700 gallons at
$1.84 a gallon. I think that we have hit the bottom of the fuel
prices. We will see. Jane and her therapist called
at 3 and I headed home and we did family counseling while I was
driving. It was good. I am not quite sure how I am feeling tonight. I
feel so distant from Jane right now. Here at home, I think that
everything is moving along and that she is working through her
trials. I think of the this summer when we are back together again
and I visualize us being together and madly in love again. I
visualize Jane restored to a healthy weight and eating a normal
amount of food again. Then I get on the phone with her and I realize
that even though my mind is already in summer and I am excited for
it, Jane is barely getting through the first half of phase one. She
still does not want to eat. That is hard, her up-hill journey is just
starting and I am already rejoicing at the end result. I know that
she is giving it her all. It cannot be easy being away from us
reading about all the normal things that we are doing every day. I
would hate that if I was in her shoes, but I would also want to know
what is going on. I just feel like I don't understand what she is
thinking. I want to know what it feels like but that will probably
never be possible. I am still bitterly amazed at the strength that
this eating disorder has on my wife. It holds her hostage to healing.
It is sad, and I feel bad that Jane is having to go through this.
Jane is still a bit insecure about us I think. I told her that as
long as she keeps trying, I will be fine. I will figure out a way to
make this work. As long as I know that she is not just going through
the motions, then I can put up with a lot. I don't want to have to go
through this again. I don't want to have to watch my wife go to the
brink of death and get pulled back at the last minute. I don't want
to have to drive my wife to the center and drop her off for a undetermined
amount of time again. I am not saying that I could not or would not
do it again, but I don't want to. I want this time to count, I want
jane to come home with the tools she will need to cope with the ED.
That is my hope, that is what the hundreds and hundreds of prayers
have been for. I won't give up on her as long as she does not give up
on her. We will get through this some how. I am really glad that I
get to see her on Sunday this week. I need to be with her again soon.
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