Valentines day

Woke up this morning and I could tell my nerves were already frazzled. Not sure how I knew, I walked out in the kitchen and  I was right. The kids were on one this morning, I think it was because it was the day of their Valentine's parties and the boys were going skiing this afternoon. I was so happy when the bus came rolling down the gravel driveway. I needed it to come today. So I sent the kids out the door and sat down and wondered how many more times I would have a morning like that before Jane gets back, hopefully not too many. I like it when the kids are placid and mellow. My little girl was feeling better this morning so she went to school happy. My bed beckoned me even though I knew it shouldn't so I laid down for ten minutes before my phone started ringing nonstop. I gave up and went and showered and shaved. Me and baby girl got the house cleaned up and then I spent some time working on the computer. We had to do a shopping day so we loaded up in my little red wagon and headed to town. We stopped at Best Buy first off to get some printer ink and I got a new laptop. I was thinking this morning how long I have used this computer and it has been five years of intense work. It is making weird noises now and it takes forever to load so I figured it was time to replace the beast with a new work horse. It is amazing how much I have done with this little laptop over the years, I can run a multimillion dollar business sitting in my office in my pajamas with a  smart phone and a laptop. Technology is amazing. So we finally picked out a computer, baby girl loved Best Buy because she could play with the tablets while I was thinking. We left there and went to Sam's Club to get some food and a few things for the hotel. We made the rounds and sampled all that was offered and then settled in for a hot dog for me, a pretzel for baby girl. We left and went to Walmart for a few items, then made it to the hotel where we spent an hour and a half going through pricing, inventory and the general business of hospitality. We made it home at 3:30 and the girls got off a very empty bus by themselves. The boys rode the bus up to the ski hill and spent the afternoon skiing with their friends, they had a blast. The girls spilled they stockpile of valentines on the table and I got to sort through them looking for any really loving ones from boys but they were all generic. I told them of the time I was in 8th grade and a girl spilled her heart out to me in a card and I was so embarrassed I pushed it all the way to the bottom of the garbage can when I got home so no one else would see it. Poor girl, we never talked again. She went vulnerable with me and I did not know what to do so I hid my vulnerability. HAHA, never would have realized that a few months ago. I told them of when I was a freshman and another girl gave me a card that was huge, it was like two feet tall. I was really embarrassed on that one, not sure what I did with it but I definitely did not want my family to see that one. It is amazing that I am as social as I am now, that is now how I was growing up. I was quiet, reserved and kind of serious. Now I am loud, obnoxious and I goof off too much. haha, life is funny. Jane called really early tonight and we had a quick conversation. She had a good day, and the girls got to talk to her a little bit longer since the boys were not here. I made some leftovers dinner  and then the boys called and they were ready to be picked up. I loaded the girls and we went to the school and gathered our little men, they were so excited to tell me about their day. They all skied well and there were no injuries. I am glad they had a good time. We came home and ate dinner and everyone was so tired and getting on my nerves again so I had them all in bed for the night at 8! It was great. I am going to finish up my email, find a movie to watch and go to bed. Would love to have my wife in my arms next to me watching something good but I will have to be content with my heated mattress pad tonight. Four day weekend starts tomorrow, the good news is I get to sleep in. The bad news is that I will have to have extraordinary patience for the next four days including a 8 hour drive with six kids on Saturday. It is totally worth it to see Jane though and I know it will be really good for her to see the kids.

What can I say to go vulnerable tonight? I have a lot of empathy for single parents with kids, especially widowed parents. I have heard a lot of judgements over the years about how speedy some people get married after the death of a spouse. I can understand why to a small degree. Jane of course is not dying but I am only into this a little over a month and I can't imagine living the rest of my life from the perspective of a widower. It would be so difficult to do this by myself day in and day out. It would be depressing and lonely. I will have a far great amount of sympathy and understanding in the future. It stinks, I cannot only imagine what it must feel like when it is permanent through death. I don't ever want to go there. I just assume Jane and I die together when we are old and our kids are all raised, that is the way to go.