Finances and ED

Jane and her therapist called for our weekly counseling session. Jane wanted me to think of some things that I wanted to talk about. There were really only three things that I want to talk about- finances, intimacy and social media. (So there you have it Jane! That is what is coming your way:)  but I really wanted to talk about those in person. One thing led to another and we ended up talking about the finances. It has been a big struggle in our marriage. We talked about how a majority of it is lack of communication, which I whole heartedly agree with. We also talked about how there is a difference in our goals, which I also agree with. My financial goals are to be out of debt completely, residual income coming in, and sufficient for our needs to have a comfortable, fun life. That is what I have worked for ever since I ended high school. I want my wife and children to be secure, no matter what happens to me. It has always been my goal to know that if I died, Jane would be taken care of. We will work through what Jane's goals are in the coming months. I just feel like we have been at odds and there has been too much secrecy in our finances. I will admit that I have been frustrated with her over the years, some of it probably justifiable, other times I was overzealous and a jerk. I think that spending more than we have and eating disorders go hand in hand. When Jane was struggling with her ED, she spent money to numb it out. I never understood that until recently. Sometimes I would get our credit card bill at the end of the month and be so frustrated, sad and a little angry at what got spent. I think we can find a happy medium. I want to have Jane see the money that goes out every month and to know what it takes to live the life that we do. It is very expensive, even though we live a conservative life. It is hard and has been hard to support a family. I have spent the last 16 years of my life trying to get to the point that I am at now and it did not happen by mistake. I love that fact that I can stay home every day right now with my 4 year old and not stress about whether or not we will have enough money next week. That is a great security to me. I remember being a 16 year  old teenager and coming home from school and seeing my dad sitting on a couch reading a book. That was not normal for a teenager with a dad at his age.  I mentioned it to him one day how I wish I could stay home and hang out with my future wife. He told me that I could, I just had to be smart and be focused on providing for my family in a righteous way. I know that to be true. We have had some financially trying times in our marriage, from the townhouses we built, to subdivisions we developed, to our pizza place and all the dramas along the way. But God has always blessed me for my efforts and I acknowledge His hand in that fully. I do want to have fun and spend our money in fun ways now, and now is the time to enjoy it. I have a goal to have our house paid off by the end of this year and I think that it will happen, I have all the pieces in play to make it happen. Once that is done, we will have more time and more fund available to do, I just did not have a lot of either of those over the last 14 years, there was times when I could barely get through the month paying the bills we had with the little money that I had saved. So I want Jane to be part of this now. I want her to want to pay off our mortgage just as much as I do, so that some of that stress can be taken off of my shoulders and so that I will know that no matter what happens to me, her and the kids will be okay. So we had a good session, I was glad to talk about it and excited to talk about again.

Jane sounded awesome tonight, she said she was now in it and she was going to stop feeling bad for herself and get better. That made me really happy, I am glad that we are finally to this point, I have been waiting for it for awhile. The insurance company is moving her to the RTC tomorrow (not sure if that is the right letters, I have not idea what it means) so she will be with the phase two girls even though she will still be in phase one. It will be good for her, she will be with girls who are in recovery stage, not just refeeding. She sounded really good and upbeat tonight, I can see progress being made and it gives me a cheerful heart. We ended our conversation, I finished tucking in the girls and then I spent 15 minutes reading a book with my little boy. So overall a pretty good day.

I forgot to tell a quick experience that made me happy from yesterday. After I got done taking a walk with the dogs, I walked in the kitchen and found my second oldest boy making lunches for everyone. I did not ask him to do it, but he had all the meat and cheese out and was just in lunch mode. I gave him a big hug and told him thank you. It was really sweet to see him do that for me, his mom and his brothers and sisters.
Jane said she was worried about my emotional and mental state today. I have been a beaten down man for the last two months. It has been crummy and there were times that I was angry, hurt, sad, devastated, sorrowful and relieved. It has been a gut wrenching roller coaster ride. She asked me what she could do to help. I told her to try her best. She told us today that she took a food challenge, eating more than what is required. That made me happy. It made me happy to hear her upbeat voice again. Tonight I go to bed happier than I have been for awhile, I know that my wife is entering recovery mode and that makes me happy. I know that she has huge challenges ahead and there will by amazingly hard struggles to overcome, but she can do it and she is getting her mind and body in the right place to be successful. So for those reasons, I am happy and content tonight. And.... I love my girl!!