Being a Fommy

So the alarm clock went off at 6:15 this morning. The wind was blowing pretty good outside and our room was freezing. I once again had  a snoring little red head next to me. Another bad 'dweam'. I jumped out of bed because my Isaac (my youngest boy) wanted dutch babies and they take a bit longer to cook, so no lounging in bed this morning. He was bright and chipper, 'Jane' got him some new clothes and a watch to wear today and he was pretty excited about that. We did our morning devotional first this morning, then ate breakfast and got the chilluns out the door. They left happy. Isaac had a surprise birthday call from 'Jane' this morning before he left. I asked him how it was and he said that she sang to him. He said it was weird. Isaac thinks everything is weird though. I can't wait for him to be a teenager, I will show him weird then in front of his friends. It will be epic... So once the kids were gone, I cleaned the house up and I spent the morning on my computer. I was going to go to town but then I decided I would rather just stay home. I think if I was a full time house dad, or fommy,  I would only leave the house once a week and I would be content. I would much rather stay home. No people to deal with, no traffic, just me and my 45 acres of heaven. We ate lunch and then decided to decorate a cake that we made for Isaac yesterday. He wanted a race track with horses so we made green grass around the track with pistachio pudding and green coconut and then used chocolate pudding for the track. We stole some lego guys from his brother's room (he was so gracious when he got home, I could tell he did not like it but he did not say anything. I thanked him tonight and he was glad that I took the time to notice his patience). All the lego guys were watching the horses race. They were a bit scattered, some were shooting guns, carrying swords and even  Luke Skywalker showed up, but hey, it was a horse race. It attracts all types. Baby Girl was very helpful in cleaning up all the bowls of pudding as I was done with them, she just licked away. After we were done, I realized I had a lot of cake so I invited the some friends and my brother and his wife and kids. One of our friends was sick, my brother and family couldn't make it, and 'Jane's' best friend said yes but her husband would not be coming because he was out of town for work. Haha. That always happens to me.  Isaac and his buddy got off the bus together, we had pudding for a snack and then they took off to walk the dog and do their thing. I had to make dinner. We ended up having purple mashed potatoes, gravy, pork chops, corn and carrots. It was a celebratory feast and everyone liked it, but his buddy did not like the purple mashed potatoes. That is okay, the girls ate enough for him too, makes me really happy right now when I see my little girls enjoy their food :)  We finished up dinner and got everything cleaned up and then 'Jane's' friend came over with her kids. It actually was not awkward, she knows my kids so well. She wanted to make sure Isaac had a good birthday so it was good that we had a little party for him. I realized we had no candles so I had the girls wander around the house finding candles wherever they could. When we were done, we had a cake in the middle of ten large, lit candles, it looked like a Buddhist offering horse race with all candles circled around the cake. We took a few pics for 'Jane' and then we sang to him and he blew out the candles. We had cake and ice cream and then Isaac opened his gifts. 'Jane' called just as we were opening his last present so we got to talk to her for a bit. She sounded good tonight, best yet in the last 16 days. She was very sad that she missed a birthday today, she told me she never wanted to miss another one. I worry that there will be many missed holidays in our future. I am cautiously optimistic that she made some good mental strides today though and she is going to try to speed things along a little bit. The desire to hurry is all hers, I want her to stay as long as she needs. I don't want to rush this and have her need to leave me again.  Once is enough for me to appreciate her a whole lot more. Of course I want her back with me as soon as she can, that is obvious. I miss her so much. My life is dull and boring without her. So after we chatted, it was bed time for the kiddos so 'Jane's' friend left and I got the kids in their jammies and read to them and then put them to bed. Overall, it was a good day. Isaac felt special and we ate well. I am tired, and ready for bed.

A happy memory of 'Jane' today was from the first time we really went camping together. My brother had a new camp trailer and they wanted us to come with them. I thought it would be great to take the enclosed trailer and we could just sleep in it on the floor. We got everything ready, it was 2005 or 2006 so the boys were really small. I carried two four wheeler in the trailer with all of our camping gear and we headed to the hills. We pulled up to the lake and got out and the mosquitoes were terrible. But we thought they would go away and they did as the night progressed. The kids had a blast playing down on the beach, we ate dinner and got the boys all tucked in their sleeping bags in the trailer. We stayed up late around the camp fire and then we watched a movie underneath the stars. When the movie was over, we creeped into our cold trailer and crawled into our sleeping bags and went to sleep. We slept through the night but then the sun started coming up and i could hear a constant humming that woke me up. I came to and looked over at my little boy lying next to me and his face was covered with mosquitoes. The humming was from the millions of mosquitoes that had some how gotten inside the trailer. 'Jane' woke up as well as she was getting eaten alive. So there we sat, early in the morning, slapping bugs off of our faces and off our boys faces. We finally got up and we were both tired and had bites all over our faces. We trudged around and got the kids some breakfast. My brother stepped out of his trailer, rested, showered, warm, and having slept in a bed all night and it dawned on me, we were going to get a camp trailer. No more roughing it. And i am so glad we did, that next winter we drove across the country and bought our first trailer. (that is a journal entry in itself!) Since then we have adventured all around this country (and Mexico) and had some great trips together. I have always enjoyed the trips that we have gone on. We have made a ton of good memories, many more to come i hope.
So i am missing 'Jane' tonight. I want to just lay by her and talk to her and discuss our life together. I want to hold her hand and let her know that i  love her. I want to fall asleep with her lying next to me. I want to wake in the morning and open my eyes and see her there next to me. It is sad every morning when i come to and i realize that she is still gone. You don't know how good you have it till it is gone. The ED gradually took her away from me over the past six months, so it was not quite a full on shock to have her gone. She had drifted away ever so slightly until we hardly talked about anything deep or emotional, just the events of our lives and our comings and goings. I want that to be different when she comes back. I want to have more depth. Of course we will have casual conversations but i want her to open up to me more. I want to open up to her more. I want to know how she is really feeling about me, the kids and our life. Being at home all day has given me an understanding of what it has been like for her for the past 14 years. Taking care of a house full of people is a lot work and it is not very gratifying sometimes. But life is not remembered for a clean house or perfectly made beds, it is about the experiences we have had and the friendships we have made. Looking back at the memories that i have of 'Jane', i have not once thought about the time i came home and found the house vaccumed and the beds all made. I just don't remember that. I do remember coming home and having a wife that is excited to see me and gives me a big hug when i walk in the door. Those are the things that i remember and should be remembered. I don't remember all the times we were on time or early  to a meeting or party. But i do remember the times when i made 'Jane' a little bit late. haha. She was so mad at me a few months ago, i don't even remember where we were going but she drove and man, she used the gas pedal and the brake, sometimes at the same time. What a selfish man i am, i could try a lot harder to be just a little bit better. I am a work in progress. Hopefully when she gets home i will be a bit more sensitive to what she needs and she will be forgiving to me when i am not. She is great, she always is. So i am missing her tonight, hoping that she is giving it her all down there and excited when we are back together again. And... I love my girl!