This has afffected to me tremendously

I feel so void of emotions these last two days, I am not sure if I am just tired or maybe I just filled my emails to Jane last week with so much emotion that I don't have much in me. The days are flying by so fast, I can't believe it has been three weeks. Jane read my emails from the other night, including my first one. She told me tonight that she was surprised how much her ED affected me in the last weeks and days before she left. That kind of surprised me. Not sure if she thinks that I did not care about her or if she thinks that her disorder was no big deal. So of course, after our conversation ended and I turned on my analytical side of my brain, I thought what would have happened if our roles were reversed and I was the one withering away from a disorder or disease. I think Jane would have been in more of a panic mode than I was. I think she would have pleaded, enticed, prayed, been confused, and maybe a bit angry. These are human emotions. This has affected me tremendously. It is easy for me to say that now, I am now a stay at home dad raising 6 kids. But before Jane left, it had affected me tremendously. I honestly wondered, as we trudged through December, if I would be standing at my wife's grave in a few months with six crying kids. Every time I saw her get on her elliptical or exercising in the kitchen, it made me so mad and sad at the same time. I felt like there was nothing I could do to stop her. I saw her wasting away right before my eyes. I had people ask me what I was going to do and I would get tears in my eyes and say that there was nothing I could do. When Jane finally invited me to go see the Dr. with her, I was so relieved. I was so relieved when he was as concerned as I was, I finally had someone on my team who Jane would listen to. That was huge for me. The mixture of emotions that sprang up in me in the latter half of December was dreadful. One night I could not sleep so I got up and went down and sat in front of the fireplace and wept, I just did not know what to do. I sat down there for hours, trying to figure out our next move, nothing came to mind. The problem was that it had to be Jane's initiative, not mine. That is extremely hard as a spouse to have to let your wife do what she wants, even when I could see the harm that it was causing her, and her relationship with me and the kids. That is a tough pill to swallow. One day when Jane was running errands, I was in the kitchen, baby girl was at the bar eating breakfast and i just had a melt down. Uncontrollable, nasty, disfigured face bawling. I could not control it, i was just so sad that Jane was going through this. It was miserable that first month when I found out. It was such a relief, a sad relief, when I finally walked out the doors at the Center by myself. I knew she would get the help she needed. Jane, even today, said that she does not feel that she is sick, she still wonders if she should be there. I hope one day she will realize how sick she was and that all of those who love her, had true concerns. I think she will come to a full realization one day as too how close to death she was. My brother, the Dr., or myself were not wrong in being so concerned. I miss her dearly now, but I will just be missing her for months, not the rest of my life, and for that I will be eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father for helping her get the help that she needed so badly. I love Jane, she is the happiest part of my life. I want her back with me, but I will be patient and hope for a happy and whole Jane when this process has finished. And.... I love my girl!