So I am feeling a little anger tonight.
I am not sure why. It just came on and I will vent it out here. This
may be a little raw but I know that I need to record
how I am feeling, especially right now when I am feeling it. If I try
to write later on about my previous feelings, I can't write
how I felt accurately. I know when I need to write, I just feel
it. I don't know why I am feeling angry tonight but it is
here, so I might as well get it out. 'Jane' told me a week ago that
in her conversation with one of her nurses, the nurse said, ' 'Jane',
I like you as a person, I hate your eating disorder.' or something
close to that. That is how I feel tonight. I hate anorexia. It has
caused a disruption in our lives for the last year and I want it
gone. It is extremely frustrating to deal with it, I have no control
over anything right now and being the guy who feels secure when in
control, I don't like it. I want my wife back. I want the girl that I
have shared so many experiences with over the years and had so
much fun with back. I want her here with me. I do not want the eating
disorder here with me. I hate it. It only brings sorrow and tears and
heart ache. It brings conversations with people that I don't want to
have but I have to have. It brings stress as to whether or not 'Jane'
is okay right now. It separates me from knowing what my wife is
feeling... right now. It make me have to comfort my kids when they
are missing their mom and I have to try to explain it in a way that
they will understand. Anorexia made me wonder for the last two
months if I was going to wake up to a nonresponsive wife in the
morning or come home to a unconscious wife at the bottom of the
stairs and a crying four year old because her mom wouldn't wake
up. It made me have to wonder whether or not i was going to be
holding my wife in 6 months or standing at her grave with 6 crying
children looking at a tombstone. I hate it for what it has done to
our relationship with each other. I hate if for all these reasons and
more. I love 'Jane' more than anything. As we were watching our
wedding video tonight for Family Night, I could not help but to smile
the whole time whenever she was on the screen. I love that girl that
I married. We have had our ups and downs over the years, but I love
her so much. Now it feels like there is a third person that has
entered our marriage and he is calling the shots. There is not room
for him here, and I want him gone. So here I sit, in my house, with
my kids asleep, and there is a battle waging down in south and I
am not part of it. That makes me sad. I know that it must be this
way, that makes it harder. The decisions were made and I had no part
of it. Sure I had a part in helping 'Jane' get down there, but that is
not what I mean. I had no choice in the matter, it was all taken out
of my hands. I am a guy who wants everything in its proper order, at
the right time, in the right place. If it is organized,
then I feel at peace. When there are unknowns I am being
beaten down by the what ifs. So this is my battle and struggle. Can I give the support I need to my wife, take care of six
kids every day, be strong and optimistic when I would rather be
negative and wallowing in my sorrow and tears? Can I run three
businesses, tell every one that asks that our life is okay and
that 'Jane' is doing well, keep a house clean and comfort 'Jane's'
friends who are sorrowing for her right now? Can I make three meals a
day and be happy and cheerful when the kids get on the bus and
happy and cheerful when the kids get off the bus? Can I
put trust in our insurance that when this all done, they are
going to pick up the tab? I don't have a choice in any of those
things, my script has been written and I am following along. It is
what it is and I will do what I have to do. I can be bitter and have
a grudge or I can let it go and move forward one day at a time.
The past is behind me now, 'Jane' is in inpatient, the kids and the house
need to be taken care of, money has to be earned and people need
to know that we are okay. How I deal with tomorrow is up to me.
How I deal with next week is up to me. How I deal with the
months ahead, is up to me. I can either make this difficult
or I can trust that God knew that I could take the brunt of it
and still trudge forward. So trudge I will, one day at a time.
And hopefully one day the trudging will turn to a walk and then
a run and I will have my amazing spouse there next to me,
running at my side again. So now I have to let go of someone
that I love so much, and let her battle it out herself. There is
nothing I can do about it but write letters, give her encouragement
over the phone and let 'Jane' know that the kids are being taken care
of. So I am fighting mad tonight. ED has to go. There are no other
options. 'Jane' does not want him here, I don't want him here, the
kids don't want him here and God does not want him here. The odds are
clearly stacked against him, so go he will.... and... I
love my girl!
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2015
The mule
Here is something I wrote for my mother-in-law, for a church lesson she was giving on how the Lord has blessed us in little ways that have affected our lives.
Without diving into the complexities of my life this past year and drawing more attention to my family than we already have, let me share a experience with you that happened a few years ago that I often reflect upon. I was high in the Sawtooth mountains, hunting with my brothers and friends. We had killed a few deer that day and a bear, had walked to the bottom of the mountains and to the top again. We were worn out, happy, but tired. I had two small mules with me that carried the meat, and I had a back pack on and a gun over my shoulder. We had a four mile hike back to camp, not a gentle walk, but a up and down and all around kind of hike. It was getting late in the day and the sun hung just above the peaks of the surrounding mountains. I started hiking back, trudging up the first hill. My legs hurt and my shoulders ached. As I reached that first peak, I had a sudden burst of energy. I started hiking faster than I had all day and I did not need to stop and rest. Those poor little mules had a hard time keeping up with me. I was able to climb and hike without pausing, something I normally would be unable to do, especially after the day we had just had. I felt an urgency to get back to camp. I covered a lot of ground quickly and was walking into camp when I heard a wheezing and gasping for air. I came around the trees into camp and saw that another mule that I had left in camp had twisted and turned until its lead rope was wrapped around its neck so tight that it was lying on the ground with is head up in the air from the tight rope, taking its last gasp of air. I dropped the lead rope from my other mules, and ran down hill, pulled out a knife and quickly cut the lead rope away from the tree. With the pressure off it's neck, the mule laid there for a minute, breathing deep breaths and trying to regain its strength. It stood up for a few minutes and was fine the rest of the trip.
The reason this experience has caused me such great reflection over the years, is that I am amazed that the Lord was concerned about a mule. I had strength and stamina that I should not have, so that I could get back to camp fast enough to save the life of a mule. For what reasons, I don't know. Maybe it was for the ease of getting out of the mountains the next day, or maybe it was because my kids have spent many hours on its back over the years since. That mule is currently out in my field right now, she is the most gently of creatures and is celestial in nature. Or maybe it was because God knew that one day I was going to be in the struggle of my life trying to keep my life together and I was going to need to reflect back on this experience to give me strength. If Heavenly Father cared so much about a mule, how much more does He care for me? If He would send me rushing to save a mule, how many people would He send to rescue me and mine. It is many, God has shown His love for me in the most amazing and simplest of ways, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
Monday, August 10, 2015
I moved us into a hotel room.... what was i thinking?????
Today was okay, just kind of a blah day. I woke up
tired. I sleep so good when I am by myself in bed. Don't feel bad
'Jane', I am not sure if it is because I am so tired or because your
not next to me rolling over. Also, the kids don't come up in the
night. haha They always came up when 'Jane' was here, they just know
that I am not as compassionate as 'Jane' is. So I just sleep through
the night without interruption. I feel ripped off when the alarm goes
off and it is time to get up. I usually wake up three or four times
at night and I get the satisfaction of knowing that I get to sleep
more. I want to wake up multiple times when 'Jane' gets home, that
means that she will be lying next to me. Man I miss that....
So we got up, had leftovers for breakfast, got the kids out the door. Baby girl was whiny so I checked my emails and then I noticed she was not whining anymore but curled up in a little ball in front of the fireplace on the hard floor asleep. So I scooped her up and took her to my bed. She woke up a little so I laid down next to her and we slept for an hour. It was cold outside and it just felt right to go back to bed. Besides there is no one here to judge me, I could sleep all day:) But I did not, I got up and got showered and dressed. Baby girl poked her head around the corner a bit later and we had a cuddle and she went and played something for an hour. I say play, but there was a full on conversation going on in the other room, maybe she was having a meeting with her imaginary friends. She can entertain herself for hours. Sometimes I have to go check on her and see if she is still here. One of our friends invited her over to play so we had lunch before she left. We had leftovers from dinner last night which baby girl was not happy about. She said she was 'bored of this food.' She was not bored when I got our the whipped cream can and showed her how to spray it in her mouth, that got her a little more excited. Our friend stopped in and picked up baby girl and I spent the afternoon going through bills. It is a full time job now keeping up on everything, keeping our finances in order, buying groceries, to collecting rent and trying to sell properties. Never imagined myself sitting at a desk all day but it seems to be the coming normal. It was 10 degrees outside this morning, sitting behind a desk at this time of the year is where I want to be. A few of my guy friends called and checked on me. One of my vendors emailed me looking to see if I could send someone to Hawaii for a few weeks to do a bunch of work. Man I would love to go to Hawaii and work right now. From freezing cold mountains to tropical Hawaii, that is quite the commute. I had to run to the post office so I picked up baby girl on the way home. . We got home right before the kids did and had a snack and read the letters that 'Jane' sent home. The kids loved them and they carried them around all afternoon. 'Jane' wrote me a sweet note, it said 'Mi amore Mi amore, My heart is perfect because you are in it. I will give it to you completely. No more lock and key. I will be open to you, and accept the love that you offer to me. We are not perfect but we are strong enough to face life's battles head on. We were not meant to be apart. I love you. I miss you. I am giving this my all. I need us. We need each other. The Lord is on our side. Love always. 'jane' I know she is trying hard. I miss her so much. Today was a bit rough. I try not to think of myself still alone in two, three or four months but that is the reality of the situation. One day at a time, one day. I made some fried rice for dinner and then the kids wanted to move their rooms around so I gave them the okay. We went from originally having all three girls in separate room, to having them all share a room, now we are back to separate rooms again. They were so cute when I tucked them in. Hopefully this will help them to keep their rooms cleaner, no one else to blame. The boys are switching rooms and it is atrocious down there right now. Half of their belongings need to go in to the garbage. My OCD nature started to kick in so I just left them to it and told them nothing fun tomorrow until the rooms are spotless. We will see how they do. So that is my day, nothing exciting to report, no grand stories to entertain your mind with. I am just a normal guy living a normal life today.
I was thinking today about some of the simple happy times in our life together. We have had some amazing experiences and been on some great trips. Those came to my mind but swiftly escaped and were overtaken by a rather simple experience that we had. When our first boy was a baby, we had two town homes sitting that we could not sell. I was stressed. I needed to get them sold as I could not start any other townhomes until those were sold. We made the decision to rent out the love shack and move into one of the townhomes. We were excited to have more space. The love shack was just that, a 800 sq ft, one bedroom bungalow. It was fun living there, we have a lot of good memories there and it where our life together started. I even remember coming home from work and finding a path of skittles going up the stairs...... where they led I will not tell here. hmmm hmmmm ;) So we packed up our few pieces of furniture and belongings, rented out the shack to a friend, his wife and their goat who had a habit of chewing on all the trim.... his goat, not his wife. We were somewhat happy in the new town house, it was 1600 sq ft and had three bedrooms. Beside all the old grumpy people who periodically peered into our front window with both hands cupped around their face so they could see that perfect view, we were happy. After awhile though, we were stressed and finally we had our 'wanna soda' renters to buyers show up and we knew that we had to move. We had no where to go, our friend and his goat were not ready to move out yet, so we, or I should say I, I take full responsibility for this STUPID decision, decided to move into my dad's hotel. What was I thinking??? Looking back, that was the dumbest decision I have ever made. I moved my very pregnant wife into the hotel with a 11 month old baby and then I went to work everyday. To my credit, we did think that it was going to be a short arrangement, three months later we were still there. The goat final decided to move out, and we were so excited. We woke up early that morning. We had two babies at that point. Yes, we had our second boy while living at a hotel. Yep, we brought our little baby home to a hotel room. HAHAHA I should have rented a house, 'Jane' was SUCH a trooper. She just did the best she could and we managed, but it was not fun. When the hotel was full, we had a crib, a basinet and our bed in our family/living/bedroom/nursery/ kitchen/bathroom. I am actually making it sound better than it was. It was pretty much hell. So when the big moving out day came, we got up early and moved out. It really did not take much time, it was only 200 sq ft and most of the furniture stayed. Oh how we loved sitting there at night watching the Cosby Show. It was the only time in our first eight years of marriage that we had cable. We got over to the love shack, and our friend, his goat and his wife had not even started moving out. We did not care. We unloaded all of our belongings on the concrete in front of the house and then we sat in the car for awhile before we decided to go to town. We came back later on in the day and his mom was inside cleaning. We helped, we did not care, we wanted in. Not another night in a hotel room. I guess the happy memory part of this story is the next morning, we slept on the mattress on the floor, we did not have time to set the bed frame up the night before. I woke up before 'Jane' and the boys. The sun was just coming up and the room was full of light. It was so peaceful, not noisy motellers wandering down the hall waking the kids up. I looked over at 'Jane' and her face was so peaceful. She was beautiful, she was even more beautiful when I thought of the three previous months I had her cooped up in a hotel room. We soon out grew the shack and ended up in my parents two bedroom apt and then I built her our first real 4800 sq ft home. I put every ounce of creativity into that home, it was beautiful and it makes me happy that 'Jane' still loves that house so much. Here I am now. We no longer fit in a 800 sq ft bungalow but we are spread out over 7000 sq ft on 45 acres. Life has been good. I cannot complain. Even going through this experience right now, I still feel so blessed and if it came to a screeching halt and everything I had or everyone I loved was gone, I would thank the Lord for the amazing 14 years that I have had. I have been blessed beyond my expectations. My mission president gave me a blessing right before I came home from my mission. I still remember one of the lines from his blessing, ' The Lord will never forget you service over these two years and will bless you for it.' I know that he has remembered me and taken care of me, from the amazing wife that I married, to the awesome little sleeping chilluns downstairs, to this opportunity right now to grow closer and understand my wife better. God has been good to me, I will be good for Him. And.... I love my girl!
So we got up, had leftovers for breakfast, got the kids out the door. Baby girl was whiny so I checked my emails and then I noticed she was not whining anymore but curled up in a little ball in front of the fireplace on the hard floor asleep. So I scooped her up and took her to my bed. She woke up a little so I laid down next to her and we slept for an hour. It was cold outside and it just felt right to go back to bed. Besides there is no one here to judge me, I could sleep all day:) But I did not, I got up and got showered and dressed. Baby girl poked her head around the corner a bit later and we had a cuddle and she went and played something for an hour. I say play, but there was a full on conversation going on in the other room, maybe she was having a meeting with her imaginary friends. She can entertain herself for hours. Sometimes I have to go check on her and see if she is still here. One of our friends invited her over to play so we had lunch before she left. We had leftovers from dinner last night which baby girl was not happy about. She said she was 'bored of this food.' She was not bored when I got our the whipped cream can and showed her how to spray it in her mouth, that got her a little more excited. Our friend stopped in and picked up baby girl and I spent the afternoon going through bills. It is a full time job now keeping up on everything, keeping our finances in order, buying groceries, to collecting rent and trying to sell properties. Never imagined myself sitting at a desk all day but it seems to be the coming normal. It was 10 degrees outside this morning, sitting behind a desk at this time of the year is where I want to be. A few of my guy friends called and checked on me. One of my vendors emailed me looking to see if I could send someone to Hawaii for a few weeks to do a bunch of work. Man I would love to go to Hawaii and work right now. From freezing cold mountains to tropical Hawaii, that is quite the commute. I had to run to the post office so I picked up baby girl on the way home. . We got home right before the kids did and had a snack and read the letters that 'Jane' sent home. The kids loved them and they carried them around all afternoon. 'Jane' wrote me a sweet note, it said 'Mi amore Mi amore, My heart is perfect because you are in it. I will give it to you completely. No more lock and key. I will be open to you, and accept the love that you offer to me. We are not perfect but we are strong enough to face life's battles head on. We were not meant to be apart. I love you. I miss you. I am giving this my all. I need us. We need each other. The Lord is on our side. Love always. 'jane' I know she is trying hard. I miss her so much. Today was a bit rough. I try not to think of myself still alone in two, three or four months but that is the reality of the situation. One day at a time, one day. I made some fried rice for dinner and then the kids wanted to move their rooms around so I gave them the okay. We went from originally having all three girls in separate room, to having them all share a room, now we are back to separate rooms again. They were so cute when I tucked them in. Hopefully this will help them to keep their rooms cleaner, no one else to blame. The boys are switching rooms and it is atrocious down there right now. Half of their belongings need to go in to the garbage. My OCD nature started to kick in so I just left them to it and told them nothing fun tomorrow until the rooms are spotless. We will see how they do. So that is my day, nothing exciting to report, no grand stories to entertain your mind with. I am just a normal guy living a normal life today.
I was thinking today about some of the simple happy times in our life together. We have had some amazing experiences and been on some great trips. Those came to my mind but swiftly escaped and were overtaken by a rather simple experience that we had. When our first boy was a baby, we had two town homes sitting that we could not sell. I was stressed. I needed to get them sold as I could not start any other townhomes until those were sold. We made the decision to rent out the love shack and move into one of the townhomes. We were excited to have more space. The love shack was just that, a 800 sq ft, one bedroom bungalow. It was fun living there, we have a lot of good memories there and it where our life together started. I even remember coming home from work and finding a path of skittles going up the stairs...... where they led I will not tell here. hmmm hmmmm ;) So we packed up our few pieces of furniture and belongings, rented out the shack to a friend, his wife and their goat who had a habit of chewing on all the trim.... his goat, not his wife. We were somewhat happy in the new town house, it was 1600 sq ft and had three bedrooms. Beside all the old grumpy people who periodically peered into our front window with both hands cupped around their face so they could see that perfect view, we were happy. After awhile though, we were stressed and finally we had our 'wanna soda' renters to buyers show up and we knew that we had to move. We had no where to go, our friend and his goat were not ready to move out yet, so we, or I should say I, I take full responsibility for this STUPID decision, decided to move into my dad's hotel. What was I thinking??? Looking back, that was the dumbest decision I have ever made. I moved my very pregnant wife into the hotel with a 11 month old baby and then I went to work everyday. To my credit, we did think that it was going to be a short arrangement, three months later we were still there. The goat final decided to move out, and we were so excited. We woke up early that morning. We had two babies at that point. Yes, we had our second boy while living at a hotel. Yep, we brought our little baby home to a hotel room. HAHAHA I should have rented a house, 'Jane' was SUCH a trooper. She just did the best she could and we managed, but it was not fun. When the hotel was full, we had a crib, a basinet and our bed in our family/living/bedroom/nursery/ kitchen/bathroom. I am actually making it sound better than it was. It was pretty much hell. So when the big moving out day came, we got up early and moved out. It really did not take much time, it was only 200 sq ft and most of the furniture stayed. Oh how we loved sitting there at night watching the Cosby Show. It was the only time in our first eight years of marriage that we had cable. We got over to the love shack, and our friend, his goat and his wife had not even started moving out. We did not care. We unloaded all of our belongings on the concrete in front of the house and then we sat in the car for awhile before we decided to go to town. We came back later on in the day and his mom was inside cleaning. We helped, we did not care, we wanted in. Not another night in a hotel room. I guess the happy memory part of this story is the next morning, we slept on the mattress on the floor, we did not have time to set the bed frame up the night before. I woke up before 'Jane' and the boys. The sun was just coming up and the room was full of light. It was so peaceful, not noisy motellers wandering down the hall waking the kids up. I looked over at 'Jane' and her face was so peaceful. She was beautiful, she was even more beautiful when I thought of the three previous months I had her cooped up in a hotel room. We soon out grew the shack and ended up in my parents two bedroom apt and then I built her our first real 4800 sq ft home. I put every ounce of creativity into that home, it was beautiful and it makes me happy that 'Jane' still loves that house so much. Here I am now. We no longer fit in a 800 sq ft bungalow but we are spread out over 7000 sq ft on 45 acres. Life has been good. I cannot complain. Even going through this experience right now, I still feel so blessed and if it came to a screeching halt and everything I had or everyone I loved was gone, I would thank the Lord for the amazing 14 years that I have had. I have been blessed beyond my expectations. My mission president gave me a blessing right before I came home from my mission. I still remember one of the lines from his blessing, ' The Lord will never forget you service over these two years and will bless you for it.' I know that he has remembered me and taken care of me, from the amazing wife that I married, to the awesome little sleeping chilluns downstairs, to this opportunity right now to grow closer and understand my wife better. God has been good to me, I will be good for Him. And.... I love my girl!
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