There was once a little girl, bright eyed and cheerful

Not sure what to write about tonight. I feel like I have been pouring my heart out to you for almost two months that I do not know what to say that would not seem repetitious. So maybe I can simply my feeling into a children's story. Goes something like this.

There was once a little girl, bright eyed and cheerful. She cared for everyone and felt what they felt, good and bad. One day she was feeling sad because those who were suppose to love her made her feel unsecure and unloved. It made her start hiding her feelings and her tears, until one day she met a friend named ED. He was nice, he told her that it did not matter if her family was mean to her, she could control how she felt by herself. Her and ED became good friends, they spend a lot of time together. At first ED helped her feel happy and better about her self. He told her that she looked good and that if she would do certain things, she would look better. The problem with Ed was that he only cared how she looked. As time went by, ED was not as nice as he seemed. As time went on, this little girl got older and fell in love with a man who absolutely adored her. They got married, but ED did not come to the wedding and did not visit the girl for a long time. The girl was busy and had amazingly adorable babies, six of them to be exact. Sometimes ED would come and knock on the door when the girl's husband was not there, the girl and ED would talk for a few moments but the girl was so busy that she had to end the conversation. She was unsure if she liked ED or not, he had been good to her in the past. The girl was loved, had a great life and at times even forgot about ED. But one day, with her husband gone, ED came back to talk to the girl. She knew he was bad for her, but could not resist the temptation to have long talks with him like when she was younger. She listened and believed what he said. He told her that she would be happier with him back in her life. So she let him back in and immediately he took full control of her and she could not break free. The husband came home but never met ED, he was always in the other room and their paths did not cross for months, but ED was always there. Finally, the girl, in desperation for help to free herself from ED, told the husband about ED and the control he had on her. The husband was sad, he did not know what to think about ED, or even who ED was. The husband tried to force ED to leave, but it made ED talk even more loudly to the wife. There were times where the husband was to mad at ED but he could do nothing, the girl wanted ED to stay. Finally out of desperation, the husbanded pleaded for the girl to leave ED but ED was now too powerful. The only option was to have the girl leave with ED. The husband was devastated. But he let them go. He had lost this battle with ED, but the war was still waging. The husband promised the girl and himself that he would become a more formidable warrior. He did not know how, but he would figure out how to win the girl back and free herself from the grasp of ED. The man, in desperation, prayed to know what to do. The man began to write to his girl, over and over. Hours and hours of words flew out of his mind. He tried everything, past memories, happier days, and even professed his love for the girl. ED was strong, he fought back through thoughts of doubt, and unworthiness. The battle became more fierce, a battle between love and hatred raged in front of the girl, she could only watch the battle, not able to see who was going to win. ED looked like he might overcome the man, but then, something changed. The man was able to look at the girl, and tell her that no matter what, he would always love her more than ED would love her, even if ED won the war. The girl could not understand that, nor could she feel that the words were true. But then, in an instant, she felt something. She felt the husband might be right. She started to feel the love that he had thought and written. She started to believe that ED was really the enemy and not a friend. She start to love and feel love like she had never felt before. The battle still waged on, the man came to battle weekly, sometimes bringing six other warriors, small but mighty warriors, with him. The girl took up the fight as well, together the eight of them battled ED by loving each other, by expressing their thoughts and feelings.  As time grew, ED began to get weary and became to grow smaller and weaker. Soon he looked as if he could barely even communicate with the girl. And then, one day, the man came and finally grabbed the girl and walked away with her, hand in hand, away from ED who had become so weak, that he did not even know that the girl had left him, forever. The man, the girl, and the six little warriors had won, the girl had grown stronger and she could fight ED herself if she had to. The girl had ended her friendship with ED, but gained a much stronger friendship, love, and trust with the husband and the six little warriors. They left the battle field and headed home, to enjoy all that they had been blessed with. ED sometimes came around, but was never acknowledged, he was too weak and not worthy of the thoughts of the girl. The girl grew to be amazing, she showed loved to those who had hurt her and helped those who had also met ED to escape his friendship. The girls became a warrior, defeating all the ED and other tyrants in her way. She cared for everyone and felt what they felt, good and bad. The man loved the girl. The girl loved the man. And they loved their babies. Life was amazing, and they lived........

My love for you will ALWAYS be stronger than your eating disorder

I am struggling with your struggle lately. I just want us to move on to the next step of the process to where you find peace with yourself. I just don't know what I can do to help you. It pains me inside that you don't feel good about who you are. It is so obvious to me what and who you are. Imagine if it was me who felt like I was worthless, ugly and a terrible person, even when you know it is the complete opposite. What would you say to me? What words would you use to try to help me understand what I really am? This is a tough position for us, because your perception of yourself is everything, regardless of the realities that I see. I really would like to know the things that I do that make you feel loved. I know you like it when I put thought into things that I am going to give or do for you. But what else? What is the nicest thing that I have ever done for you? What is the one nice or loving thing that I have said to you that you really believed me when I said it? What is the most favorite memory of us? I feel like there have been times in our life together where you actually believed that you were loved, beautiful, and special. There has to be, Satan can't whisper to you all the time, God has worked in your life stronger than you recognize. We watched a Mormon message this morning about Gordon B. Hinckley and a story he shared from his father. He gave this talk in 1993 in General Conference-

“An older boy and his young companion were walking along a road which led through a field. They saw an old coat and a badly worn pair of men’s shoes by the roadside, and in the distance they saw the owner working in the field.

“The younger boy suggested that they hide the shoes, conceal themselves, and watch the perplexity on the owner’s face when he returned.

“The older boy … thought that would not be so good. He said the owner must be a very poor man. So, after talking the matter over, at his suggestion, they concluded to try another experiment. Instead of hiding the shoes, they would put a silver dollar in each one and … see what the owner did when he discovered the money. So they did that.

“Pretty soon the man returned from the field, put on his coat, slipped one foot into a shoe, felt something hard, took it out and found a silver dollar. Wonder and surprise [shone] upon his face. He looked at the dollar again and again, turned around and could see nobody, then proceeded to put on the other shoe; when to his great surprise he found another dollar. His feelings overcame him. … He knelt down and offered aloud a prayer of thanksgiving, in which he spoke of his wife being sick and helpless and his children without bread. … He fervently thanked the Lord for this bounty from unknown hands and evoked the blessing of heaven upon those who gave him this needed help.

“The boys remained [hidden] until he had gone.” They had been touched by his prayer and felt something warm within their hearts. As they left to walk down the road, one said to the other, “Don’t you have a good feeling?”


We talked this morning before the kids left for school, about what gave the good feeling, or what brought them peace. I explained to the kids that Christ has suffered all. We are not greater than He is. This is mortality where we are given the opportunity to experience the good and the bad, the joy and the sorrow. I asked each of the kids to think about the phrase, "Peace be unto thy soul" and then I asked them what brought peace to their souls. The answers surprised me. My oldest son said his piano music brought him peace. My second son said our devotionals and prayer. My youngest son said being outside with the dogs and playing with them. My oldest daughter said that talking on the phone to you and seeing you brought peace. My second oldest daughter said that prayer and loving each other brought her peace. And baby girl said that family brought her peace. I did not answer the question this morning, but I have rather thought about it throughout the day. One of the things that brings me great peace is writing to you. I don't know why this is, but when I write to you, I feel like the conduits of inspiration are opened to me and my mind is able to process my thoughts and feelings more clear, even to the transformation from thought into word. Sometimes I look what I have written and wonder where those words came from. So in the simplest of terms, I find peace in letting you into my mind, into my thoughts and into my heart. When I can accurately portray who I am to you, I am at peace. I want you to understand me and that gives me peace to my mind. So the question I would ask you, what brings peace to your soul? What is it that can help you to calm down, sets the anxiety aside, and lets your mind rest for a few minutes? I am not a therapist, nor am I educated in many formal ways, but I do know that the Savior of mankind promised that "Peace I give unto you." and I know that He always give us what He promises. Find that peace, even as small as it may be. Find it and focus on it. Grow it, nurture it and it will grow. That peace that may seem small to you when you finally feel it  will grow until it can be felt more easily, until you recognize it more. Just like you finally found our that you have been feeling anxiety all of these years, there is a moment coming to you soon that you will realize that you have also been feeling peace all of these years. I love you, you know I do. Everything that I do is for you. My whole life is based around you. So either I am crazy (which at times I am!) or I am right in making you the 100% focus of my life. Find peace in knowing that I will always be here for you, even when the times get tough. I will always come for you. I may be late at times, but I will always be there for you. I love you, and I want to love you back to health again. Like I told you last week, my love for you will ALWAYS be stronger than your eating disorder, always!!! Find peace in that, find peace in us, look for that peace in Christ who descended below all to raise us above all! And..... I love my Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You will finally see what everyone else sees, that you are beautiful inside and out.

Hello my love, every time I sit down to write this letter I still find it odd that we are in this spot. Who would have thought? But just like it seems it will never end, one day we will be sitting here together, reading some of these emails together and thinking how long ago that was. Keep your chin up, summer days will soon be here and we can do intuitive sleeping and get up when we feel like it. I remember when I first got into the mission field. I was happy to be there but it was so hard. Everyone, from those at home to those in the MTC, to those in the mission field kept telling me how quickly the mission would go by. I fully expected to wake up that first morning and my two years would be over. Instead I woke up, in a freezing cold flat, got up and took a shower in a mildew infested tub, and spent the day in the rain, freezing, talking to people that did not want to talk to me. That first month, I was so home sick. It was not like anything I had ever done before. But time moved on, summer came, and I got into my groove and dealt with my insecurities, my inability to talk to strangers, and I was not able to get over my longing for home, but I was able to cope with being away. I know that what your going through is not a mission, nor is it anything like a mission. But the struggles that we go through in life feel the same. Feeling of inadequacy, thoughts of failure, the ability to cope under the pressures of life. Hard as they are, some how we find ourselves able to get through them, one day at a time. I could not look at the whole two years when I first got out there, it was just too daunting. I could look at the day at hand and the teaching that needed to be done and the appointments that needed to be kept. I managed to find joy in my shortcomings, humor in my mistakes, and love for those who did not have it. It got better, I got better and I became the person that I wanted to be, but not until after I had gone through the hard time. I don't know why I reverted back to my mission on this email, but nevertheless I did. I remember one night in particular, it was in my last area, I was kneeling next to my bed. I was months from coming home, but I felt the strongest desire to pray for my wife. I did not know who she was, what her name was, where she lived. I just knew that I needed to pray for her. And I did. I can't help but to think that you were struggling with something that day and that connection between us already existed. I still feel that sacred connection with you today, just so much stronger. I don't know why you are struggling with this disorder in the way that you are. I wish I could understand it so that I could do and say the things that would give you comfort and strength. I would have been the husband that you needed a long time ago if I would have just known. I don't say this to make you feel guilty or sad, we both had our mountains to climb and our abysses to slog through, but I say this to you now so that you know that I will be the husband that you need from here out. I don't know how I will be it, I don't know what I will be, but I will be the man that you need. We are going to struggle beyond belief in the coming years, it is going to be hard, it will be difficult, but I am going to be in a much better spot to give you the support and comfort that you need. But it is not all bad, it is going to be a year of excitement, a year of understanding, a year of bliss and year of amazement. I will carry you through the abysses if you will run with me over the hills. When this life is over, and all is said and done, the one thing that I am going to carry with me into the yonder eternities, is the relationship with you. My kids will have grown and gone, my wealth and possessions will long ago have melted back into the elements of this world, but I will have you. We will have us. That is what heaven is all about, the ability for 'us' to be together forever, possessing the charity and love that God so freely gives to us. That is it, you and I. So we need to work on us,  love deeper, laugh longer, pull our children together more often, talk sweeter, treat others with more kindness, serve where needed, and pray that God will bless us with attributes that we are in need of. I know that you can overcome this disorder. You have it in you. I don't know how, I don't know how you get rid of the thoughts that counter act my compliments to you. I have no idea. All i know is that you are a daughter of God, that you have a Heavenly Father and Mother who sent you here to earth not to be sad and unhappy, but to learn to love yourself, love who you are, and love how you look. You may not understand that now, you may not see that now, and from our conversation today, you definitely don't hear that now. But just because you don't see it, does not mean it is not true. If you cannot trust yourself, then trust me, like your therapist said. And if you find that difficult, trust your little ones, there is no deceit in them in their relationship with their mom. And if you can't trust them, trust the love that God has shown to you over the years. And if you can't trust those, then it is probably time that you get on your knees and plead with your Heavenly Father to know if you are His. He made no mistake on you. I am sure your ancestors and your descendents weep at the thought that you feel unworthy or insufficient in you looks or personality. I wanted to cry when i heard today what you thought of yourself, because i know the the truth. The memories of how you looked after giving birth to our children is still etched into my mind. You radiated peace, love and determination as you helded those brand new babies in your arms for the first time. I will never forget how beautiful you were to me at that point, having walked to the precipice of pain that i could never imagine, to bring these little ones into our home. I will never forget how you looked when we sat on top of Table Rock, with the mountains behind you, and the wind blowing through you hair. I will never forget how you looked when i would walk into bank and see you standing behind the counter, as my new wife of only a few months. What is more amazing is that even though you are beautiful and graceful on the outside, you are even more beautiful on the inside. You make the veterans happy in our area with treats every year you make for them every Veteran's Day, you take dinners to those who feel promped to help without knowing why, you take a interest in our children's activities that i find boring and insignificant when it means the world to them. These few things, and countless more, are what make you irresistable to me. So to end this letter, i just want to say one more time, that I love you. God made no mistake in you. I hope you will realize one day how good and how courageous you are. I realize it, as do all who know you. Satan wants you to look down, but God wants you to look up. So look up, plead with him in prayer that you, His daughter, might feel His love for you, His support, His kindness and His mercy. He will show it to you, and when you finally feel it, you will finally see what everyone else sees, that you are beautiful inside and out. Cold winter days always precede the warmth of spring. I love you.
And....... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Miracles happen everyday

What can I say to you that I have not already said? I love you, I desire you, I want you, I love being with you. I want us, together, happy and feeling. ED has been a worthy opponent, and he almost took you from me. We are becoming more powerful each day and he is growing weaker. You may not think this as you are dealing with it in you mind each day, but I feel the hold that it has had on you is weakening with every email that we write, minute that we hold, phone call that you make, and feelings that we share. Do we ever get to a point where we having nothing to go vulnerable to each other about? Is it possible to get to a point where we are so close that we are comfortable to share anything and everything with each other?? I wonder, I have never been here before. So you think I am a romantic now, huh? Just because I want to whisper sweet nothings into your ears, plan our next emotional moment with musical videos and songs, send you the words to love songs, or imagine us holding each other in our arms in warm summer evenings with lights breezes, songs of sweet birds all around us. Does that make me a romantic, or just a man that can't get enough of the beautiful girl that took his last name and promised to be mine forever? I am in a good place this week. The emotions that I have dealt with over the last three months have dissipated and I am just left with a longing for you here next to me. I cannot say that I am even lonely, I want you here but I think the loneliness came from a emotional detachment that I thought we had. I know that I will hold you in four days, and have you in my arms for a few hours. I look forward to Saturday rather than feel bad for myself. It has given me a new purpose to my week, and the time seems to go so fast when I am in love with you, so slow when we are at odds. What would a email be with out the song of the day? I love this one, it is so true. I did not know what I had in front of me all of these. I think you did not even know what you had in front of you all these years either. We had us and we did not know the pain that would come if we ever became just you and I, separated. The thought of not having you for the rest of my life would be hell, I never want to get close to that again. Life is short, I want to spend our time in love and loving, enjoying our life. I can go on and on, like any good romantic could do. But rather I will end with the feelings of my heart expressed in the rhythms of this song. I love you Jane. You make me complete. You make me happy. Work hard, over come this ED so we can be back together soon. I want you to be happy, complete and with healing in your heart. It is possible. Miracles happen everyday. There are six little ones sleeping downstairs right now. Six little miracles that we helped create. I love that. I love them. I love us, and ........... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Passenger- you let her go

 

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know your love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know your love her when you let her go
And you let her go

The past has to be let go. We cannot change it. But the future..... the future is amazing

So as I was driving home today from our weekend together, the Twilight song came on. I have never listened to the words before, and this time I did. I know, your husband is sending you the words to another love song. This is the new me???  So it really made me happy. It made me think of the last 14 years together, you have been so alone and I have been waiting for you to come to me. We have made that step and are taking more. This is not a quick process, but you are walking and we are now in forward motion. It will get better each week together, it will come naturally one day. You are my everything. It is funny, everything that was so important to me last week, seems so insignificant this week. I am sure I am on a 'Jane High' right now and will come back down to reality but I like this right now. I liked thinking about you nonstop for the last five days. It was bliss. I know the circumstances that we find ourselves in is nothing close to bliss, and it will change in the coming months. But I never want the way I feel about you right now to change. You are my every dream and thought, hope and promise. I will do all that I can in the coming months to make this sacrifice worth it, I will not let you down. ED took so much away from me. He had the upper hand in December and he was winning the battle against me. He was winning my girl, one pound at a time, one day at a time. But the battle has changed now, we are beating him back, and we are doing it not through finding our what went wrong in your life, but what went right. We met, we loved, we married, we built a life together. That is what is right in your life. You will never be able to change what your mother said to you, or what you saw your mother do, but we will change how we view our life that we have built and how I treat you, and how you treat me. That is going to have a more powerful effect on your mind than anything Satan can throw at you. Our ending is not written yet, the optimism for the future and the love that we have found, melts the sorrows of your youth like a frost in the middle of a hot July day. It will go away if we can learn to love each other, our children and God on a level that we have never been able to achieve before. Life stinks sometimes. Life is crummy sometimes. But that is not life, that is a bad experience. Life is waking up to the person you love every morning and being able to reach over and touch that person while she is still asleep. Life is finding out that the family of two will soon be a family of three, four, five, six, seven and eight!!! Life is seeing my wife come into the Celestial Room dressed in white at the end of a temple session. Life is having my wife splash me in the front seat of the car with a  water bottle and watching her laugh her head off. Life is watching your husband come home sad and broken hearted that he had to put his dog Annie down, and watching him hold back the tears. Life is seeing your little girls do sloppy cart wheels and draw all over their faces with makeup for the first time. Life is watching you boys come home from hunting and camping trips a little more manly, a little more confident. Life is walking in to our bathroom, after telling the girls yes to 'having a bubble kingdom' bubble bath, and not knowing what that meant till you see it!!!!! Life is looking into your husband's eyes, knowing that he would do anything to have you walk hand in hand with him, emotion in emotion, in pain and happiness. This is what life is. The past has to be let go. We cannot change it. But the future..... the future is amazing! The future is whatever you want it to be! And I know that we will have whatever we want it to be. We just have to let the past be the past and let the future be the story that we write, together. And.... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!! 

A Thousand Years Lyrics

(Verse 1)
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

(Verse 2)
Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday

Waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

I saw a girl that was broken...

Hello my love..... what a day. I went from one end of a the spectrum to the other end. I felt sad and depressed and now I feel optimistic and loved. I just got done reading your letter that you wrote me this afternoon. I loved it. It was exactly what I needed from you. I have wanted that letter from you for so long. I am sad that it took this experience to get it from you but I think that it was one of the first times that I have ever really felt the emotion in your words. That is huge for me and you. I want  you to know that I love you more than anything, more than money, more than things, more than my time. I love you, I always have even from the beginning dates when we first started to hold on to each other, to the years of newly weds where we did not have a clue what we were doing, to the struggles of bringing little ones into the world, to the ups and downs of our financial life, even through this battle of your eating disorder. I have learned to love you more and deeper than ever before. I want you to tell me your trials, I want to share them with you. Life is so lonely and tiring when we are separate, not just physically like we are now, but also mentally and emotionally. I feel like I can do anything when I have your support. I want you to feel the same. I want you to know that no matter what, my love for  you will never go away. We will have our fights and our arguments, our disagreements and difficulties, but it will never change my love for you. We have a love that is eternal in nature.  After going through these past couple of months, I have come to know more fully that we were meant to be together. You see, this trial is not taking us apart, it is bringing us so much closer. I was so happy today when we resolved our problem by ourselves. I know we have a lot of work to do together in that area, but the worst thoughts were rolling through my mind last night. I was at the bottom of the pit, everything looked dreary no matter which way I ran the situation in my mind. I thought that there could be no good outcome and when I wrote that letter to you this morning, I think you felt my emotions. When we sat in those two chairs, inches away from each other, I saw emotions in you that I have not seen before. When we stood those two paces apart from each other and the therapist asked me to yell out words to you, I was not lying. Beautiful. Resiliant. Sad. I saw a girl that was broken. But I saw a girl that I was so in love with. You started to cry and I could not help but to have the strongest feelings of love for you. I could see the sorrow in your soul. We have both made bad decisions in the past year, we have both said and done things that we probably should not have. But seeing you standing there, I saw a girl who had determination that very few people have. When we hugged after that, I knew we were going to be fine. When you whispered to me that there were no more secrets, I believed you. When we sat by each other tonight on the couch, and I held you as close as I could under the prying eyes of the  nurse, I fell in love with you all over again.  I knew that we were going to be all right. That is what two people who love each other do, they make up, forgive and love. I am so happy that we went from tears to peace, without help from others, in a few hours. That is exactly what I want when this process is over. I want to cry, debate, argue and sorrow. Then I want to come to terms, negotiate, forgive and move on with a single purpose and goal and make up, tell each other how much we love one another and then make out like it is the first time. That is passion. That is love. Love is to be in bad situations but to have the fortitude to make them good again. That is what marriage is all about. That is what we are all about, we just did not know how to do it all of these years. And now after having one of the saddest moments of our life together, we worked through it and that makes me so happy and gives me the reassurance that we are going to get through this together. So thank you for being so understanding, thank you for putting up with my intensity. Thank you for being 'you' today. This is the Jane that I fell in love with all those years ago. I care so much for you. Today was a good day. It was a hard day. But we reached a milestone together, I think our slate is wiped clean. I have no feelings of anger towards you, just an immense amount of love. This is early but Happy Birthday. There will be many more to come. I look forward to each one of them. And, I truly do mean this..... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I feel anymore sadness???

Jane,

What to say? I hit a new low last night. I tell you this not to make you feel bad or guilty, I promised you that I would be 100% honest, so I will. I have never cried like that before. It took me hours to figure out why I was so sad. I think that I can now attempt to put it into words, though words will not do it justice. Yesterday was interesting for me. I was so excited to come down and spend the week with with you. I have looked forward to this since January 7, when I dropped you off. You are all that I think of every minute of every day, from the moment I wake in the morning, to the minute I drift off to sleep, and everything while I dream. I love you so much, far more than you realize. As I drove down, I had the most amazing thoughts and ideas, the most amazing songs played on the radio describing exactly how I felt. When you came around the corner and I was sitting there, my heart raced at your sight. The dietician and the therapy was difficult for me to process. I did not understand what you were saying. It was hard to hear. But I did not know why. I was not quite sure what the thoughts were about that were going through my mind. I loved hanging out with you last night. I loved sitting on the couch with you and talking. I loved looking at how beautiful you are. I loved that there was some depth to out conversation. I loved that you were willing to be vulnerable with me on the letting me read your journal. I can only imagine how hard that was for you. So I left you, went and got dinner, unsuccessfully tried to find you a birthday gift, and came back to the hotel. I read your journal that you gave me to read. I found the big secret. You, of course, knew what my reaction would be. And you were right. But I am 100% sure that the reaction is different that what you think. I can make more money. Yes, it is not easy, but I know God will support me in whatever I need. I don't even care to know much debt or what it is a this point. It will have to be dealt with at the correct time. Only you know when that time is. Let me know when you are ready. But the money is not what broke my heart. I realized, last night for the first time, that we are so far apart on so many levels. The deception and lies are at a depth that I was not prepared for. I did not realize the intricate web of untruths was so wide, from the dieting, use of diet pills and laxatives, midnight exercising, and money. I think what my biggest fears are, at this point, that there are still things that I do not know. I can't help but to think that there are more deceptions from the last 14 years, and previous to that, that I still do not know. I am not perfect. I have many weaknesses. This not a 'holier than thou' letter. I am fighting my own demons every day. But I have never lied to deceive you, and that is why I am so hurt right now. It breaks me to realize that my trust in you is extremely vulnerable right now. It breaks me to know that lying to me came easily. I compound these feeling onto what I felt in the counseling yesterday and the only verdict that I can come to is that I have not been your number one for a long time. I have slid down the ranks over the years and been replaced by other things. You have been a great mother and you have taken great care of me. But I realized yesterday, and last night, that you have withheld so much from me and went to great lengths to deceive me. The fact that I know nothing of these hidden diet pills, hidden exercising, and hidden debt, all show me that I have, in a way, become your enemy, and that is extremely difficult to realize, coming from the one person that I have given my all to. I expect it from others throughout my life, and I can deal with it. I never saw this coming from you. It pains me to write these words. I never wanted to write a letter like this to the girl I love most. I have always wanted your love and affection more than anything else. I am not sure, at this point, that I ever have fully gotten it. I know this is going to tear you apart when you read it. I am sorry for that. But I refuse to not tell you how I am feeling from here on out, as it is why we are where we are right now, and I share a lot of the blame for that. So I don't know what happens from here. We will talk today for sure. Know that I have never felt more vulnerable than right now. Please know that I love you so much and always have and will. My love for you is stronger that a eating disorder, money, or anything else. It always will be. The decisions you now make are going to have huge ramifications on our life together and the lives of our children. I need you to get rid of this eating disorder forever. I cannot deal with the deceit it has brought. I need you, all of you, not just a portion, but every part. I have and will, continue to to give you all of me. I love you.

A giant bull condom.... I know, wierd, you will just have to read it!

 Woke up this morning, early. I could not sleep. My throat was bugging me and I could not get comfortable. I finally got up at 7 and got ready for the day. I wanted to make the kids a breakfast feast so I made some sausage, hash browns and eggs. We sat around and enjoyed our meal and planned our day. The boys were dead set on riding their bikes to town about 7 miles away, it was 26 degrees outside but they did not care. So we finished up breakfast, the boys got their bags all packed, got the phone, made the plans and got some money out of me. It was so cute  to see them plan and follow through on the plans. They left and I could just see the sense of freedom and maturity bursting out of their small man bodies. I had to work on the computer for  a bit and then my oldest daughter came in and begged me to play a game with her and the girls. So we thought about it for a bit and then we decided to play Pictionary. The girls loved it. They came up with their own picture to drawer, it was hard, especially when baby girl was drawing. She would grab that crayon and draw lines and circles like no one's business and then expect us to know what it was. We played for about and hour and had lots of kicks and giggles. I made lunch after that for the little women and then I went outside and had some dog and horse therapy for a bit. I love just going out and seeing and touching my horses, it just make me feel happy. I don't really care for the boys dog but I like George a lot. He always comes up to me and greets me and gives me a good dog smile. The boys got home as I was watering the chickens and we loaded up as they told me of their adventures and all the places and people they saw. I think the little men are going to need more freedom this summer, they are ready. They took care of each other, found good food to eat, and made good memories. We drove out to Jane's brother's house for some play time and dinner. It was good to see them. There kids were excited to have us out and they all just ran off to play with dolls or hunt rabbits and mice. Her brother needed some help taking a bull back to his rancher friend so I helped him get the trailer hooked on and then we loaded up the bull. We stopped at vet to get the bull tested for STD's. Jane's brother had been using him to impregnate his cows and now, before he put him back in with rancher's cows, he had to be sure he was not carrying any diseases. So we got the bull into the shoot and the doc put on a plastic glove up to his arm and grabbed a hand full of cow KY jelly and inserted his hand into the bull's anus. Now I have never seen anything like this before, so I watched with great interest as the doc was up to his armpit in cow butt. He massaged something in there for a few minutes, not a pleasant job. He pulled his arm out and then his assistant vet nurse, came out of the clinic with what I concluded was a giant bull vibrating stimulator. She inserted the giant electric vibrating thing into the bulls anus as well and inserted it in a good 18". The doc got down on the ground, took a measuring tape and measured from the bull's testicles to the tip of the bull's penis and it measured 39 1/2". He then grabbed a cow condom looking thing and got down to make the catch. The gal turned on the giant stimulator and the bulls wiener went erect and then he started to have a orgasm and he ejaculated a good portion of semen that was caught in the giant cow condom, all while the bull mooed out loud sound that sounded like a pain rather than a enjoyable experience. haha, poor feller. With the prize in the bag, the giant stimulator was removed and the doc went to do a sperm count and to see how good a bull he was. If he had lots of fish, he goes to the field for a summer of lots of ladies, if he had bad fish he would go to the slaughter house to be fed to lots of ladies..... and guys too. The results came back and he will spend the summer in the hills taking care of the cows and spreading his genetics freely. It was very interesting to watch. You take the sexual side out of it and just look at the biology of it, it is amazing. It is amazing how the bodies of all living things have all the ingredients needed to make more of their own kind and populate this earth. The bull was in a onery mood after that so we loaded him up and went and dropped him off at. And now I know how the check a bull for STD's. Interesting, huh? We got back to the house and we had chicken tacos and jello salad. The kids had a good time playing and we left there around 8:30.  Everyone is so good to us. Baby girl got out of the van and was asleep before I could tuck her in. The kids are tired tonight and ready for a new school week. I had a good day. I got to spend a lot of time with my kids and they were enjoyable to be around.
I talked to Jane while were are at her brothers'. and she sounded good. I hope she can phase this week. I just want to be able to take her out of the Center for a few hours and spend some time away from the giant observation windows. She is close, I am praying that I will happen. It will be good to spend time together this weekend. I am pooped, my voice in waning and my throat is sore. So I will now sleep and dream of happier days with my wife lying next to me. And... I love my girl!

My wife asked me to let her come home- I had to tell her no

So we woke up at 6:30 this morning, my sweet little girl was the first one out of bed, dressed and ready to conquer the day. I gave her a alarm clock the other day and she loves having her own alarm now. She came up and we snuggled for a bit until we heard more feet coming up the stairs and I figured I had better get up and get going. I showered and shaved, we had cold cereal and fruit for breakfast. We got on the road just before 8 and made it to the Center just after 12. We stopped for a potty break and then for some chicken nuggets at Burger King. The kids did pretty good this morning, not much fighting, lots of movie watching. The drive for me was okay, there were a few times where I caught myself dazing off and had to come to alertness again. Jane got moved into the RTC unit of the Center, so we got to visit her in the residential unit. It was  a lot better, the family room is a lot larger as is the smaller private family rooms. Jane was very happy to see the kids and the they were thrilled to see her. They had been looking forward to it all week. We sat in one of the small family rooms and visited and played a few games. Jane was like a celebrity, all the kids wanted her attention and to sit by her and touch her. It was nice. It is good to sit in a room together as a family, it makes me happy. Jane had to go to lunch at 1 so I took the kids down the street to play at the park while she ate. It was a beautiful 60 degree day and they enjoyed running around and playing. I wish I could say that I had the energy to run around and play with them but I did not, I sat in the van with my eyes closed enjoying a quiet moment. The kids and I got back to the Center at 1:45 and we spent the rest of the afternoon until about 5 with Jane. The kids just wanted her attention and the girls wore her out with their games of hide and go seek. She was a good sport and found those little squirts every time. I wish I could have gotten to talk to Jane a bit more and hold her close to me, but that time was fleeting and the kids needed her attention, so I enjoyed watching the mother of my children and the love of my life playing with our chilluns. Baby girl started whining and the kids were hungry so we bid Jane adieu and drove  over to my sister's house for dinner. They were so kind and made us sandwiches, salad and home made cookies with frosting for the kids to decorate. I really like my baby sis, she is so kind and just wants to help me. I am trying to let people help me more, and I appreciate the act of kindness from her today. She has always been a good sister to me. We left there around 7, fueled up and hit the open road. There was a bit of whining and 'I'm hungry's' on the way home but the kids slept for a good portion of the time and we got home around 11 to find all well. So overall, it was a good trip, it was good to see my girl and the kids were all happy tonight that they got to see their mom as I tucked them in.

So Jane told me today that she thinks that she needs to come home and that her time there does not feel very productive. We only had a few minutes to talk about it and then when I got home I had a letter waiting for me in the mail box pretty much saying the same thing. I thought about this the whole way home, not knowing that Jane had wrote about it a few days ago which tells me that she has been thinking about this a lot. So as I was driving through the darkness of the freeway, to the sounds of a snoring baby girl behind me, I had a chance to think it through. I came to realize that I have some trust issues right now. I analyzed the impact that the eating disorder has had on our lives over the years and the untruths or deceptions or whatever you want to call them. To cut to the chase and to not prolong the thought, I am not sure if this is Jane that has the eating disorder asking to come home or if this is Jane who feels she has the eating disorder under control asking to come home. That is a tough question for me, and I will admit that the selfish part of me wants my wife home with me tonight, lying next to me that I can hold and touch. I know that I if I told Jane that I wanted her home now, she would be home now. But I can't look or listen to the selfish me right now, I have to listen to the reasoning and long term me. It was only a month and a half ago that I was coming to terms with the thought that my wife might die. That is not a easy though process to contemplate, especially when I have six young kids who need a mom. I was devastated through the month of December. I remember not being able to sleep one night and going downstairs and sitting in front of the fireplace praying and crying, trying to figure out what I should do. It was  terrible month for me, it will go down as one of the worst times of my life. I was watching TV in my room one night and Jane was on her elliptical going all out and as I sat there and watched her go, I was so sad. I knew that even if I asked her to stop, she would not have. I remember sitting down to dinner each night and watching the reactions of my kids as Jane would come to the table with a small bowl of lettuce and the kids had a look of concern on their  faces, they knew something was up. I think my sadness hit a bottom when Jane wrote me a email and told me that I was not a safe person to talk to and that she did not feel like we were on the same page anymore. That was devastating to me. I had no idea what to do. I think my anger hit a new high when we had got done praying and crying, on the night before Jane left. We had just had a EXTREMELY emotional experience and we had tucked the kids into bed. I was getting ready and all of the sudden the most intense anger came over me. I was so mad that I had just watched my kids hearts break and cry uncontrollably in such a way that they could not be consoled. It was heart wrenching and it was sad. And when the emotions were finally drained and the kids were tucked in, the anger hit me. I was so mad that the eating disorder had done this to our family, to Jane and to us as a couple. I went to bed and Jane was all curled up on her side of the bed and she wanted me to hold her, and so I did, but my heart and thoughts had anger in them. I did not want it there, I wanted to hold my wife in my arms and show her love and affections, and I did hold her, but all I could think of was my little girl sobbing and my oldest son yelling out a prayer in between sobs, and all I could think of was 'how dare you do this to my little ones!' I realize Jane is in a Center far from us. I realize that she is fighting demons every day. I realize that that there is a possibility that she could do better here with us. But that is not a risk I am willing to take at this point. I would much rather deal with the loneliness and struggles of taking care of six kids by myself than to have Jane here on a downward spiral and have to live that hell that I went through in December again. I never want to do that again or have those emotions again. I would wish that on no one. This may sound harsh, and it probably is, but I think we are better off with Jane at the center and me visiting her weekly spending time together for the time being. I say that with the utmost love in my heart for her. I cannot offer her the help that she needs right now, I may have been able to years ago when the ED was not as intense, but I am not sure can give her the support she would need if she digressed. I say that not feeling Jane is weak, but because of my own weakness. I know I am weak right now, but having jane come home and slip back into her ED ways would break me. I can't put myself back into that position right now, and I can't put my kids back into that position right now. I don't think 20 years of eating disorder tendencies is going to be drastically hindered in 6 weeks. I want Jane to get the best help possible, and I think right now, and for the coming months, that will be in the Center. Hard as it is to say that, I really feel that it is the truth. Jane asked that I think about it and pray about it and I will. I am going to try to find some time in the temple this week to take it to the Lord. I realized on the way home that it may be harder to get Jane to stay in the Center than it was to get her to go into the Center in the first place. I don't know how this will end up, but I am optimistic that this program will work. I cannot go through this again, it has to count and work, I can't go through the realization that my wife was going to die if something drastic did not happen fast. It is just too much for me to have to witness again. I may be being dramatic about it, but it is the truth. I watched my wife walk to the abyss of death and look down into it and I never want to see her that close again. I love her so much, the kids love her so much, and I want to spend the rest of my mortal days with her by my side. This has been a tough subject to write on, but I write it with love for my girl. 14 years ago tonight I asked her to marry me. When she said yes, we both made the quiet and solemn commitment that we would be true and faithful to each other from that point on, even if it was hard. I love her today more than I did back then, we made six amazing children that we love so much. We built a life that seemed to only be dream as we were standing in that frozen parking lot. We have been through tough times, and good times. I want there to be more, I want to have more joy, more happiness, more laughter, more fulfillment. I want to have less anger, less sorrow, less loneliness, and less tears. The sacrifice now of being apart it worth the years of happiness of ahead. It is a sacrifice that I am willing to make now and in the months to come, I hope Jane is willing to do the same. So on this night of anniversary, the night that our two paths became one and we committed to each other, I hope that above all, Jane knows that I love her and I will do whatever it takes to have us back together again in a healthy state, even if that means being apart. And..... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!

So.... this is what depression feels like :(

Today........ arghhhh. I did not like today. I don't know why I am in such bad mood these last two days, just not having a great time. Woke up this morning to kids fighting, my oldest daughter came into my room crying. I knew it was going to be a no good, lousy, good for nothing day.... I got up and showered and shaved and made my appearance in the kitchen. The kids were on my nerves from the git go. I need a vacation with my wife on a cruise ship with lots of delicious food and no screaming kids. So I made some dutch babies for the chilluns and we ate together. I then retired to my office to try to get some work done and it was not stop interruptions all morning. I finally almost just broke down in a tearful mess just begging the kids to not come in my office. It was a super nice day outside, around 60 degrees, so I was able to make the boys go outside and clean up the yard and their fort mess from last fall. The trees are budding out, and I have tulips now popping up out of the ground with bright green shoots. My rhubarb plant has awakened and is reaching for the sky now. I don't know what to think about this weather. It is the middle of February and it feels like the beginning of April. So I was grumpy all day, the house was always a mess, someone was always crying, I feel a bit overwhelmed with taking on snow removals in New Jersey and I feel bad for on this new guy I just hired who quit his job to come to North Dakota and we can't find snow to remove.... at all. My wife is gone, it is Valentines day, I should be making beautiful love to my beautiful wife and celebrating 14 years of bliss but instead I am grumpy, lonely and tired of fighting, whining and arguing children. Sounds pleasant, doesn't it? I finally escaped the madness at 3;45 with my sweet daughter and I took her down to a birthday party with her twin friends. I went to Walmart to get some pictures printed off for Jane. They have instant printing now so I had an hour and a half to kill. I decided to just wander around Walmart for awhile, I needed a few things and I had no where else to go. That helped me calm down a bit, watching other peoples kids throw fits is far more enjoyable than being responsible for mine. I got invited to go to the Boy's Varsity BB game but I got home and by the time I had the kitchen cleaned up again, and the kids were all quietly watching a movie, I decided to just stay home and get them to bed early so they would be in a good move tomorrow for the drive to the Center tomorrow.. So now I am going to finish up and go to bed. I am not excited to drive for eight hours tomorrow with kids. They will probably be fine, I am just a bit tired. Hopefully it goes well......

So I am sad and I have been trying to figure out why all day. When I am grumpy, I know that I am grumpy. The kids tiptoe around me and don't want me to get mad. I am usually a pretty cheerful person, but I am just having a bad run these last couple of days. This may be what they call depression. I would agree that I am depressed. My life  has been turned upside down and the normalcy of my days is setting in. I would rather stay in bed or take naps if I could, I don't have a chance to get any exercise, and the kids are all anxious about their mom which causes an amplification of emotions that I really don't want to handle right now. I was trying to find time to got to the temple this week and I did just not have the time to do it. It is so much easier with two of us. I realized today as I was vacuuming that raising kids with Jane, as a couple, is enjoyable. We both pull our weight and it makes it easier when we divide the day to day activities of raising kids. When raising kids alone, it is not fun. My day is filled with the day to day activities so much that there are very few moments when I can stop and say, lets have fun or lets go do something. I just don't have the time. I spend all day working and then the rest of my time playing catch up on the meals, laundry, refereeing fights, shuttling kids and cleaning. I feel so bad for those who do this their whole lives as a single parent. What a sad, lonely life. This too will pass. I am experiencing the loneliness and the sadness for a reason. I know it is part of the process. This eating disorder is a big deal, I know I am dealing with it pretty well here at home and i have tried to keep my journal optimistic but I want future generations who read this to know that is the hardest thing I have ever done and it is miserable. I wish we could have addressed the eating disorder in its infancy and not had to go to these extremes. It is not fun for Jane,  it is not fun for me, and it is extremely hard on the kids to have a mom that is gone, and a dad that is overwhelmed, stressed and grumpy. I have run the scenario through my mind hundreds of times and I know that there is no other way. This is it and I have two options, get in my truck and drive away and never come back or deal with the best I can. The best I can is really the only option. I have six kids who depend on me to be strong and a wife who needs me to be the best that I can right now. She needs me to be strong, and I am trying as hard as I can. And it is hard. I know I am venting and feeling bad about myself, I shouldn't. My life is still relatively easy, I have food, shelter and work. My ancestors buried 6 of their children in a two day period. But I still am going through a tough time mentally right now and it is dark, sad and lonely. I want it to change and it will, I just have to let the days pass and the weeks go by. Days will turn into months and then Jane will come home to me again. I just hope that she come home healed and able to deal with the eating disorder. I never want to go through this again. I will do whatever I have to save my girl, I will do it, I just don't want to. I am sure that there is some major character building going on with both of us right now, and I am sure we will look back at this period of our lives as the time we came closer together and closer to God, but I just want to ask, ' is there any other way?' I already know the answer so I will be patient and stop looking at the months ahead of me and just focus on the day at hand. And the day at hand has a 8 hour drive with six kids ahead of me. Lord have mercy on me! Help me have good kids tomorrow. And.... l love my girl!

Valentines day

Woke up this morning and I could tell my nerves were already frazzled. Not sure how I knew, I walked out in the kitchen and  I was right. The kids were on one this morning, I think it was because it was the day of their Valentine's parties and the boys were going skiing this afternoon. I was so happy when the bus came rolling down the gravel driveway. I needed it to come today. So I sent the kids out the door and sat down and wondered how many more times I would have a morning like that before Jane gets back, hopefully not too many. I like it when the kids are placid and mellow. My little girl was feeling better this morning so she went to school happy. My bed beckoned me even though I knew it shouldn't so I laid down for ten minutes before my phone started ringing nonstop. I gave up and went and showered and shaved. Me and baby girl got the house cleaned up and then I spent some time working on the computer. We had to do a shopping day so we loaded up in my little red wagon and headed to town. We stopped at Best Buy first off to get some printer ink and I got a new laptop. I was thinking this morning how long I have used this computer and it has been five years of intense work. It is making weird noises now and it takes forever to load so I figured it was time to replace the beast with a new work horse. It is amazing how much I have done with this little laptop over the years, I can run a multimillion dollar business sitting in my office in my pajamas with a  smart phone and a laptop. Technology is amazing. So we finally picked out a computer, baby girl loved Best Buy because she could play with the tablets while I was thinking. We left there and went to Sam's Club to get some food and a few things for the hotel. We made the rounds and sampled all that was offered and then settled in for a hot dog for me, a pretzel for baby girl. We left and went to Walmart for a few items, then made it to the hotel where we spent an hour and a half going through pricing, inventory and the general business of hospitality. We made it home at 3:30 and the girls got off a very empty bus by themselves. The boys rode the bus up to the ski hill and spent the afternoon skiing with their friends, they had a blast. The girls spilled they stockpile of valentines on the table and I got to sort through them looking for any really loving ones from boys but they were all generic. I told them of the time I was in 8th grade and a girl spilled her heart out to me in a card and I was so embarrassed I pushed it all the way to the bottom of the garbage can when I got home so no one else would see it. Poor girl, we never talked again. She went vulnerable with me and I did not know what to do so I hid my vulnerability. HAHA, never would have realized that a few months ago. I told them of when I was a freshman and another girl gave me a card that was huge, it was like two feet tall. I was really embarrassed on that one, not sure what I did with it but I definitely did not want my family to see that one. It is amazing that I am as social as I am now, that is now how I was growing up. I was quiet, reserved and kind of serious. Now I am loud, obnoxious and I goof off too much. haha, life is funny. Jane called really early tonight and we had a quick conversation. She had a good day, and the girls got to talk to her a little bit longer since the boys were not here. I made some leftovers dinner  and then the boys called and they were ready to be picked up. I loaded the girls and we went to the school and gathered our little men, they were so excited to tell me about their day. They all skied well and there were no injuries. I am glad they had a good time. We came home and ate dinner and everyone was so tired and getting on my nerves again so I had them all in bed for the night at 8! It was great. I am going to finish up my email, find a movie to watch and go to bed. Would love to have my wife in my arms next to me watching something good but I will have to be content with my heated mattress pad tonight. Four day weekend starts tomorrow, the good news is I get to sleep in. The bad news is that I will have to have extraordinary patience for the next four days including a 8 hour drive with six kids on Saturday. It is totally worth it to see Jane though and I know it will be really good for her to see the kids.

What can I say to go vulnerable tonight? I have a lot of empathy for single parents with kids, especially widowed parents. I have heard a lot of judgements over the years about how speedy some people get married after the death of a spouse. I can understand why to a small degree. Jane of course is not dying but I am only into this a little over a month and I can't imagine living the rest of my life from the perspective of a widower. It would be so difficult to do this by myself day in and day out. It would be depressing and lonely. I will have a far great amount of sympathy and understanding in the future. It stinks, I cannot only imagine what it must feel like when it is permanent through death. I don't ever want to go there. I just assume Jane and I die together when we are old and our kids are all raised, that is the way to go.

Finances and ED

Jane and her therapist called for our weekly counseling session. Jane wanted me to think of some things that I wanted to talk about. There were really only three things that I want to talk about- finances, intimacy and social media. (So there you have it Jane! That is what is coming your way:)  but I really wanted to talk about those in person. One thing led to another and we ended up talking about the finances. It has been a big struggle in our marriage. We talked about how a majority of it is lack of communication, which I whole heartedly agree with. We also talked about how there is a difference in our goals, which I also agree with. My financial goals are to be out of debt completely, residual income coming in, and sufficient for our needs to have a comfortable, fun life. That is what I have worked for ever since I ended high school. I want my wife and children to be secure, no matter what happens to me. It has always been my goal to know that if I died, Jane would be taken care of. We will work through what Jane's goals are in the coming months. I just feel like we have been at odds and there has been too much secrecy in our finances. I will admit that I have been frustrated with her over the years, some of it probably justifiable, other times I was overzealous and a jerk. I think that spending more than we have and eating disorders go hand in hand. When Jane was struggling with her ED, she spent money to numb it out. I never understood that until recently. Sometimes I would get our credit card bill at the end of the month and be so frustrated, sad and a little angry at what got spent. I think we can find a happy medium. I want to have Jane see the money that goes out every month and to know what it takes to live the life that we do. It is very expensive, even though we live a conservative life. It is hard and has been hard to support a family. I have spent the last 16 years of my life trying to get to the point that I am at now and it did not happen by mistake. I love that fact that I can stay home every day right now with my 4 year old and not stress about whether or not we will have enough money next week. That is a great security to me. I remember being a 16 year  old teenager and coming home from school and seeing my dad sitting on a couch reading a book. That was not normal for a teenager with a dad at his age.  I mentioned it to him one day how I wish I could stay home and hang out with my future wife. He told me that I could, I just had to be smart and be focused on providing for my family in a righteous way. I know that to be true. We have had some financially trying times in our marriage, from the townhouses we built, to subdivisions we developed, to our pizza place and all the dramas along the way. But God has always blessed me for my efforts and I acknowledge His hand in that fully. I do want to have fun and spend our money in fun ways now, and now is the time to enjoy it. I have a goal to have our house paid off by the end of this year and I think that it will happen, I have all the pieces in play to make it happen. Once that is done, we will have more time and more fund available to do, I just did not have a lot of either of those over the last 14 years, there was times when I could barely get through the month paying the bills we had with the little money that I had saved. So I want Jane to be part of this now. I want her to want to pay off our mortgage just as much as I do, so that some of that stress can be taken off of my shoulders and so that I will know that no matter what happens to me, her and the kids will be okay. So we had a good session, I was glad to talk about it and excited to talk about again.

Jane sounded awesome tonight, she said she was now in it and she was going to stop feeling bad for herself and get better. That made me really happy, I am glad that we are finally to this point, I have been waiting for it for awhile. The insurance company is moving her to the RTC tomorrow (not sure if that is the right letters, I have not idea what it means) so she will be with the phase two girls even though she will still be in phase one. It will be good for her, she will be with girls who are in recovery stage, not just refeeding. She sounded really good and upbeat tonight, I can see progress being made and it gives me a cheerful heart. We ended our conversation, I finished tucking in the girls and then I spent 15 minutes reading a book with my little boy. So overall a pretty good day.

I forgot to tell a quick experience that made me happy from yesterday. After I got done taking a walk with the dogs, I walked in the kitchen and found my second oldest boy making lunches for everyone. I did not ask him to do it, but he had all the meat and cheese out and was just in lunch mode. I gave him a big hug and told him thank you. It was really sweet to see him do that for me, his mom and his brothers and sisters.
Jane said she was worried about my emotional and mental state today. I have been a beaten down man for the last two months. It has been crummy and there were times that I was angry, hurt, sad, devastated, sorrowful and relieved. It has been a gut wrenching roller coaster ride. She asked me what she could do to help. I told her to try her best. She told us today that she took a food challenge, eating more than what is required. That made me happy. It made me happy to hear her upbeat voice again. Tonight I go to bed happier than I have been for awhile, I know that my wife is entering recovery mode and that makes me happy. I know that she has huge challenges ahead and there will by amazingly hard struggles to overcome, but she can do it and she is getting her mind and body in the right place to be successful. So for those reasons, I am happy and content tonight. And.... I love my girl!!

We are at a intersection of many roads, all marked with signs that describe sadness except one, 'Full Recovery'.

Got to see my girl again today. I got to the Center at 10:45 am but they would not let me in because they said visiting hours started at 2pm. I was sad but I did not want to argue with them, so I left and went down the street to a church and went to the services. I got back to the Center at 2, and  I walked in and saw my girl sitting on the couch. It is always good to see her. She looked happy and that made me happy. We sat in one of the small living rooms for a bit and talked and held each other, then it was warm enough to go outside so we went and sat down on the bench and talked some more. One of Jane's unmarried friends at the center,  pulled her aside and asked her how we never ran out of things to talk about. Jane just laughed and said that we did and we would just start all over again. It is hard to have things to talk about, my life has gotten pretty routine and Jane's is routine as well. We can only talk about the our life so much and talk about our future plans for so long. Normally at that point, back when we were dating, we would start making out and not need to talk, but here we just start over and talk about it over again. It was nice to sit outside in the warm sun. The trees are budding out and the tulips are popping through the soil right now. Very strange weather for February. So we basked in the sun until it disappeared and then we went inside and had white knuckled game of Bananagrams. So that is what we come to, instead of making out we make out words with little plastic tiles. Haha, never saw that one coming. Jane had to go to dinner so I stayed behind and read a book and listened to the fit of a 13 year old Bulimic girl who did not want to eat dinner. It was hard to read when the yelling of 'I hate you, I hate you, I hope you die, I hope you get fat' rang out of her eating disordered mouth. So sad. So young. I hope this is our only and last experience with an eating disorder. I am not sure I can do it again. Jane came back, she ate her whole meal and she was in good spirits, we stared into each others eyes for another hour and when we could stare no longer, I left and began my journey home. I was happy that I came down, Jane seems to be in a better spot right now and really wants to progress and move through the program, so that made me happy that she was giving it her all. I had a uneventful trip home,  and pulled into the driveway at about 11:30.

I loved seeing Jane yesterday. I miss her so much. It is a lonely time of my life. I can see why people go into depression. I can understand why some people would rather just stay in bed rather than face life each day. I am at a interesting point in my life where I can get glimpses into these abysses of sorrow, and feel what it is like to be in them. I don't like it. I am struggling to be at a happy place, my world has come to a sad point. Every where I turn the discussions are the same, there are looks of sorrow from all I meet and my children have a undertone of sadness about them. I do not like this. I can't wait for this act in the play of our lives to be over and we can move on to happier times, the next scene. I still don't understand how we got to this point. Life was moving on  a good clip and everything seemed to be going in a good direction. I don't know why Jane's ED came on so strong at this point. I don't understand why it affected her the way it did. I just know that it has brought more sorrow to our lives than we have ever experienced and it is trying us as a family in ways that I never expected. The kids are holding up okay. I think my little girl's remark tonight sums it up perfectly, ' I miss my mom and I want her here with us'. I can only agree and try to console and make them happy. I know that we will find happiness in the future, I just wonder what the future holds for Jane and I and the kids. We at a intersection of many roads, all marked with signs that describe sadness except one, 'Full Recovery'. Even that road will have potholes and twists and turns, good days and bad days. I hope that is the road that is chosen. The other have names like 'depression, withdrawal, loneliness, repeat visit, anger, silence, and rebellion'. I hope we can find the right road together as a family and leave that intersection forever behind. It was hard enough the first time, I don't want to ever do this again. I love Jane, I know she loves me and the kids. My heart aches for her as I know that the sorrow and guilt that she must be having must feel like the powers of hell are against her. The only thing I can do now is to show her my support, try to be a good dad, and give her whatever part of me that I can manage right now, either in person or in written word. I feel a bid helpless  and inadequate at the tasks that I do each day, but it is all that I have and all that I can give. I just hope the Lord will take care of my wife and my children in the parts that I cannot meet. And... I love my girl!

I am still bitterly amazed at the strength that this eating disorder has on my wife

Got up, fed the kids pancakes, prayed, sang and kissed good bye. Cleaned, showered, shaved, bathed a little one and checked email. Pretty run of the mill stuff this morning. I think the excitement of the night was when we decided to leave the dogs out last night. They were great at first, they were barking a bit and I thought it would be great to have a watch dog or two running around at night for when jane gets home. So I went to bed and after two hours of listening to the dogs chase each other, and deer, and raccoons, and rabbits and skunks around, and around, and around the house, I gave up. I got out of bed, walked out to the garage in my pajamas, opened the door, whistled, got Alabama in side, picked him up, walked out to the kennel through the snow barefoot in my pajamas, put him in the kennel and came back inside and went back to bed to peace and quiet. The kids heard them barking all evening also, needless to say, we were all tired this morning. The dogs definitely will be kenneled every night from now on. So anyway, I dropped baby girl off at her friend's house for library day and then I went to my little girl's school to meet her for lunch. I had a sloppy joe, potatoes, applesauce, and lima beans, topped off with a chocolate milk. She was so excited that I was there, we ate and talked and all the kids sat there and stared at our table, wanting to come sit by us. But it was just my daughter and I. It was fun. I need to do this more often. With the other kids too. I got done there and then I had to run back home to meet the fuel truck to fill my gas tank. I bought 700 gallons at $1.84 a gallon. I  think that we have hit the bottom of the fuel prices. We will see.  Jane and her therapist called at 3 and I headed home and we did family counseling while I was driving. It was good. I am not quite sure how I am feeling tonight. I feel so distant from Jane right now. Here at home, I think that everything is moving along and that she is working through her trials. I think of the this summer when we are back together again and I visualize us being together and madly in love again. I visualize Jane restored to a healthy weight and eating a normal amount of food again. Then I get on the phone with her and I realize that even though my mind is already in summer and I am excited for it, Jane is barely getting through the first half of phase one. She still does not want to eat. That is hard, her up-hill journey is just starting and I am already rejoicing at the end result. I know that she is giving it her all. It cannot be easy being away from us reading about all the normal things that we are doing every day. I would hate that if I was in her shoes, but I would also want to know what is going on. I just feel like I don't understand what she is thinking. I want to know what it feels like but that will probably never be possible. I am still bitterly amazed at the strength that this eating disorder has on my wife. It holds her hostage to healing. It is sad, and I feel bad that Jane is having to go through this. Jane is still a bit insecure about us I think. I told her that as long as she keeps trying, I will be fine. I will figure out a way to make this work. As long as I know that she is not just going through the motions, then I can put up with a lot. I don't want to have to go through this again. I don't want to have to watch my wife go to the brink of death and get pulled back at the last minute. I don't want to have to drive my wife to the center and drop her off for a undetermined amount of time again. I am not saying that I could not or would not do it again, but I don't want to. I want this time to count, I want jane to come home with the tools she will need to cope with the ED. That is my hope, that is what the hundreds and hundreds of prayers have been for. I won't give up on her as long as she does not give up on her. We will get through this some how. I am really glad that I get to see her on Sunday this week. I need to be with her again soon.

'We' is all we got, so 'We' has got to get better

Snoring, that is what I woke up to. It was amazing snoring, loud and boisterous. Sounded like a 40 year old man. But it was from a 35 lb four year old with a sassy attitude that manipulates me into giving her what she wants. Yes, baby girl snuck into bed with me last night because she had a bad dweam. My favorite word she says is fart. She make the 'sh' sound instead of the 'f' sound and it is hilarious when she does it. We all know what 'Shart' means when someone says it, I am sure I don't have to explain. My little cusser. She actually is a cusser, she will be playing a computer game and mess up or lose and she will let our a loud 'Dang it!' it is so funny. Her brother found her some new games to play on the computer that involve nursery rhymes. She loves it. So now she walks around the house singing about 'Georgie Porgie' and the rhyme about the lady with lots of kids in a shoe. So anyways, enough about the little squirt who rules my life right now, I got up and made crepes for breakfast, prayed, sang and preached. Good byes were said and kisses were give. I cleaned the house, did the dishes, dressed a picky 4 year old ( I am now limiting her to one set of clothes a day, if I didn't she would have four different outfits on the floor at the end of the day.) I emailed, I talked, I consulted, I shared, I mourned, I tried to sell. We had lunch and then we made a run to town to give one of our new tenants the keys to his unit he is renting and then stopped by the bank. I was looking at my text as I was driving on the back roads to town (bad I know, no traffic though, ever...) and baby girl got scared and she reached over and grabbed the wheel so we could not crash. I laughed my head off. She cannot see over the dashboard. So now my 4 year old thinks she can drive better than me. Too funny. We got home and I had to work on the computer and pay bills. The kids came home happy. We had snacks and then we had THREE dinners dropped off tonight, all from neighbors. I feel so grateful today for the love that is being shown to us. I realized that it is not me why they are doing it. Jane has treated people so kindly over the years, she is always the one taking a meal over or making a treat for someone. I am the one that grudgingly drives the car. Everyone just wants to help out. I love that. So we ate dinner, one of the neighbors came and picked up the boys for scouts and I played the Wii with the kids and then put the girls down for bed. My little guy and I started watching one of my favorite new shows, 'Brain Games' and then the boys came home and we finished it up. I had them all tucked into bed and then there was a knock on the door. I opened the door and standing in front of me was one my old best friends. I have not seen him in months. He had the boys with him and I invited him in and we sat down and visited for awhile. He told me that he was sorry for not being a good friend. He told me that he was sorry that he was not there for me when we were in the struggle for our lives. I told him of some of the struggles that we had gone through and we were both a bit emotional. As he was leaving he threw his arms around me and told me he loved me and to be sure to call if I needed anything. He also apologized for not inviting me to his cattle drive this year, he felt bad about that and said he would never do that again. They left and I was glad that he stopped by. It was good to see him as I have not seen him for awhile.

So I am missing my girl tonight. I know I don't have to write that anymore, but it still feels good to write it. I miss her, I miss her, I miss her!!! I just want to go back to those early years of our marriage. I look back and they were such happy times. It might be because we did not have TV and only a few kids, it seems like we had a little more time for us in the evenings. Maybe not, maybe it is just old man thoughts, life is always better in the past...... We have had a great marriage over the years. We really have. We have spent some amazing times together and done some amazing things. This experience is making me realize that I want to be around Jane more. I was never mean or rude to her, sometimes I just did not give her all of me, and I want that to change. I am probably going to be a 'helicopter husband'  when she gets out, just hovering around her all the time. We will just have to find a happy medium. We will find it when the time is right. I cannot imagine this being my normal life from here on out. It would be miserable! I want to have Jane here with me to listen to the cute things that get said by our kids nonstop, to listen to baby girl sing about Georgie Pordgie kissing girls a the top of her lungs, to watch my nine year old girl going on sixteen roll her eyes at me, to see the little whiskers appearing under my 12 years olds nose as he starts to become a man, to watch my argumentive eleven year old complain about how nothing is fair and to see my youngest boy fold his arms and nod his head at a job well done. These things are what make our life real. And in between all that there is the fighting, screaming, whining and messes, but this is real life, our real life. One day it will all be over and the kids will be gone and we will rip out the play doh stained carpets, paint over the grafittied walls, and get rid of the urine soaked mattresses. We will then just have each other and an occasional grand child. 'We' is all we got, so 'We' has got to get better. So get better we will, Jane on her end, me on my end. In a few months the two of us will be back together, madly in love and more whole than we were before. We will hug a little closer, kiss a little longer, talk a lot more, be passionate more often, be more honest, more caring and more understanding. I look forward to that day more than anything right now. And.... I love my girl!!

Visiting my girl

Today I got to go to the Center to see my girl. I was so excited to be able to spend the afternoon with her. She looked happy when she came around the corner and I was on the couch waiting for her. We hung out all afternoon, just the two of us. She laid on the couch with me and I just held her and we talked about our kids, our life, our happy times, some sad times. We talked about the future and about her struggles with her ED. I find myself falling more in love with her now that she is opening up to me. I think that she always thought that I would be driven from her if I found out about her struggles, but it is having the opposite effect on me, I love her more now than I did months ago. I find that the more she lets me into her feelings and thoughts, the more sympathy and understanding I have towards her plight. I miss her, it is hard to give her a hug and a kiss and walk out those doors and drive home for four hours, but it is worth it to me. I want to win her back from her ED. It has won so many battles against me over the years that I feel now is the time for me to win those battles back and get my girl back. Whatever it takes. I will go down there as often as they will allow me if it is going to be beneficial to Jane. I need her back with me and I want her to be whole and healed. I left the Center happy and hopeful. Jane seemed liked she was doing better yesterday than ever since I dropped her off and that gave me hope and encouragement. So I left with a happy heart, but sad body. The body wants her here with me to hold and to love, the heart wants her to get the help she needs and get control over her life again. I left at about 9 pm. I was worried about falling asleep on the way home but my brother called me right after I left and we talked till I  got half way home. I stopped at Arby's and the guy on the drive through intercom gave me a fish sandwhich rhyme. I replied with a rhyme of my own that was quite good and long and then ordered three Jr. roast beef sandwiches. The workers like my rap (as they referred to it) so much that they gave me a fourth sandwich for free and offered me a free drink. I declined on the drink as I already had a open Dr. Pepper sitting there but cheerfully accepted the free sandwich and parted with another short rhyme. One of my friends called me shortly thereafter and he talked me for an hour. Then another friend called and he talked me home, so I arrived home at about 1:45, having been kept safe by my band of brethren. I have such good friends. They just look out for me, most the time I don't think they know what they are doing, the Lord is just taking care of me in little ways. I found my mother here, kids were asleep, house was clean and my mother was tired. We chatted for a bit and then she left and I went to bed.
I woke this morning to the kids fighting..... charming isn't it. After not being able to take it any longer, I finally got up and showered and shaved. It was good to see the kids, they missed me. The girls bathed in my tub and then I got there hair done and dressed. I sat down and planned my lesson for church today. It was on the Plan of Salvation. I put together all the scriptures I wanted to use, then figured I would rely on the Lord for the presentation part. I had a few minutes to spend with my oldest boy. I think he is struggling a bit with his mom gone, he is sad and not afraid to tell me so when I ask. This is a hard deal on the kids, they are putting up with it and dealing with the emotions but it is not easy on them. They need their mom here, but they also realize that their mom needs to be down there right now. That is a tough battle for these little chilluns to understand. We finished getting ready and we headed out the door and got to church on time. I was asked to teach the youth today. I love teaching. I think I am happiest when I have the scriptures in my hand, a room full of people and a lesson to teach. Those are my happiest hours. Some would say I am crazy, but whenever I am teaching, it is when I feel the most joy. I love teaching the gospel of Christ. I especially love teaching a room full of youth.  I long for that. It is my passion. Very few things, outside my family relationships, get me fired up and excited as teaching. The lesson went well, I had a few tears that came out of the young men, towards the end I had 100% of their attention and they loved my lesson. So I am grateful for the Spirit and that I could be an instrument in helping them feel it.

So one of my all time favorite memories of Jane came back to my memory last night as I was driving home. This was a few years ago, her brother and I had gone hunting in the mountains and we had a miserably cold, snowy, unsuccessful hunt. I pulled in the driveway by myself, pulling the horse trailer with a few horses in it. I pulled back to the corrals and backed up and got out and started unloading the horses and some gear. Jane saw that I was home, after being gone for a few days, and she came out the garage door and ran across the yard, past my truck and right into my arms. We hugged and kissed for a moment. That made me so happy. It was a small thing but I could see that she was excited to see me and that meant everything to me. I had some love language discussion with the guys yesterday while waiting for the plane to take off (funny right, of all things to talk about) I told them that Jane loved to have me give her thoughtful gifts and experiences. For me, the gifts are not as important. I do love having experiences with my wife as well, but what really shows that Jane loves me is when she touches me and when she shows me affection. So when I saw her run across the yard to me and hug me, I was the happiest guy in the world. I knew that my wife missed me and that meant everything to me right then. I am going to try a lot better to show my love to Jane in whatever way she needs. I hope that she will do the same so that we can both feel the passionate love that we have for each other. We are both so different but we both want to feel loved, wanted and needed. It just takes different things for us both to feel that. It is fine that we are different, that is what makes life so interesting. But we should not neglect the other persons communication level simply because it is not our own. I need to adapt and change, and I will. It is going to be so much easier knowing what Jane needs from me in the coming years because we have opened the channels of communication and will continue to open more of them up. I like that, it makes me happy. And, I love my girl!!!

This has afffected to me tremendously

I feel so void of emotions these last two days, I am not sure if I am just tired or maybe I just filled my emails to Jane last week with so much emotion that I don't have much in me. The days are flying by so fast, I can't believe it has been three weeks. Jane read my emails from the other night, including my first one. She told me tonight that she was surprised how much her ED affected me in the last weeks and days before she left. That kind of surprised me. Not sure if she thinks that I did not care about her or if she thinks that her disorder was no big deal. So of course, after our conversation ended and I turned on my analytical side of my brain, I thought what would have happened if our roles were reversed and I was the one withering away from a disorder or disease. I think Jane would have been in more of a panic mode than I was. I think she would have pleaded, enticed, prayed, been confused, and maybe a bit angry. These are human emotions. This has affected me tremendously. It is easy for me to say that now, I am now a stay at home dad raising 6 kids. But before Jane left, it had affected me tremendously. I honestly wondered, as we trudged through December, if I would be standing at my wife's grave in a few months with six crying kids. Every time I saw her get on her elliptical or exercising in the kitchen, it made me so mad and sad at the same time. I felt like there was nothing I could do to stop her. I saw her wasting away right before my eyes. I had people ask me what I was going to do and I would get tears in my eyes and say that there was nothing I could do. When Jane finally invited me to go see the Dr. with her, I was so relieved. I was so relieved when he was as concerned as I was, I finally had someone on my team who Jane would listen to. That was huge for me. The mixture of emotions that sprang up in me in the latter half of December was dreadful. One night I could not sleep so I got up and went down and sat in front of the fireplace and wept, I just did not know what to do. I sat down there for hours, trying to figure out our next move, nothing came to mind. The problem was that it had to be Jane's initiative, not mine. That is extremely hard as a spouse to have to let your wife do what she wants, even when I could see the harm that it was causing her, and her relationship with me and the kids. That is a tough pill to swallow. One day when Jane was running errands, I was in the kitchen, baby girl was at the bar eating breakfast and i just had a melt down. Uncontrollable, nasty, disfigured face bawling. I could not control it, i was just so sad that Jane was going through this. It was miserable that first month when I found out. It was such a relief, a sad relief, when I finally walked out the doors at the Center by myself. I knew she would get the help she needed. Jane, even today, said that she does not feel that she is sick, she still wonders if she should be there. I hope one day she will realize how sick she was and that all of those who love her, had true concerns. I think she will come to a full realization one day as too how close to death she was. My brother, the Dr., or myself were not wrong in being so concerned. I miss her dearly now, but I will just be missing her for months, not the rest of my life, and for that I will be eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father for helping her get the help that she needed so badly. I love Jane, she is the happiest part of my life. I want her back with me, but I will be patient and hope for a happy and whole Jane when this process has finished. And.... I love my girl!

Our first visit to the Center to see our girl....

It is 1:15am. I am tired. I just got home from visiting my wife for the first time since she left us, we left at 5 am. It was a long day. My head is swimming with thoughts and feelings that have been swirling in my head for the last 12 hours. I realize that I need to sit down and write it out, sometimes it is the only way I can understand my emotions.

We got up this morning at 5 am. I made baked oatmeal last night and put it in the fridge so it would be an easy breakfast. I got up first, showered and shaved then went down and woke up each of the kids. It was fun waking them up, they slowly opened their eyes and then I said, 'Let's go see mom.' and their eyes got huge and they jumped out of bed. They really wanted to see her and hold her. We got up, and ate breakfast together and were able to be on the road by 6:45. Our journey was pretty uneventful, except at one point of the journey we hit freezing rain and black ice. I was doing 80 mph and saw police lights up ahead a few miles. I hit the brakes to test the pavement and it was a sheet of ice. I am glad I tested it then and not when I had to stop. We slowed down and watched wreck after wreck go by, from rolled minivans to toppled, burned out semi trucks. It was sobering to see how quickly a trip down the highway can end in tragedy. We went slow and careful until the roads cleared up. The kids did pretty good, and we made it to the Center at 11 am. The kids were starving but I asked them if they would rather eat lunch or go see mom first and they all chose to see mom first. We got to the center and we walked in the family room. I was not sure what to expect, I usually get nervous at the unknown. I was excited to see my girl, I was just no sure how it would all work out. The kids were in front of me as we walked into the center, Jane came walking around the corner and she was so excited to see the kids. That moment right there made the 9 hours of driving today worth it. She had a huge smile on her face and she gave a huge hug to each one of the kids and me. She then introduced us to each of her friends, me and my youngest son were squirming, we just felt uncomfortable. I was not sure what to say, or do, so I just smiled at let them goggle over the kids for a minute. We then went into one of the small family rooms and we visited for 45 minutes. It was so good to see Jane, I have missed her so much. The kids were excited to tell her everything... and they did. We watched some home movies that we had made and then we had to leave so Jane could go eat lunch. We went to get lunch across the street and ate hamburgers and fries. I would have cringed at taking all the kids to lunch by myself a few months ago, now it seems normal. Just organized chaos. I ordered food four times before everyone was finally filled. The last thing I wanted was kids asking for snacks in front of ED girls at the center :) We went back to the center and Jane was done with lunch and waiting for us. We spent the next two hours playing games and just talking. I enjoyed our time together again. My emotions were mixed. I was happy to be there but I was kind of quiet, from being tired and from the somber scene i was watching unfold. Jane was glad that we were there. She showed us what she had been working on and I was able to go through her notebooks and see some of her notes and understand a little bit better as to what she is going through. The kids started getting restless around three o'clock, so we thought it would be best to leave. Jane gave all the kids and myself hugs and then we left and went to the park down the street so the kids could run some energy off. I promised them a visit to a fun park so we went and the kids got to climb the rock wall, bounce up and down on the leaping frog, and shoot each other in Laser Tag. It was fun, I was tired so I probably was a bit of a downer. I invited some friends to come with us and it was good to hang out with them a little bit.  They invited us over for dinner so we went to their house afterwards. The kids were getting on my nerves by the time we got to their house. They were hungry and arguing about everything. I cringed and complained in my heart of hearts that I still had to drive four hours home. I was dreading it. We had a nice dinner, sloppy joes and French fries. We finally got on the road about 9 pm. I knew the kids were tired but i did not know they were REALLY tired. They were all asleep within 30 minutes and they slept the whole way home. I was so happy that we did not have any meltdowns on the way home. I will count that as a tender mercy from God, my patience tank was bumping empty so i needed a nice quiet drive to ponder on our day and on my wife. We got home just before 1 am, the boys went out to feed the dogs, i went out to feed the horses and ten minutes later everyone was in bed and asleep. Long day, glad we did it. It was worth it and it was so good to see Jane.
I was happy to see Jane. It was tough at the same time. I have been analyzing why in my mind for the last 12 hours and i am still not certain why. I have missed her so much. I miss her here with me. I miss spending time with her. To pass the evenings, i have spent a lot of time watching old home movies and looking at pictures from over the years. Not seeing her for the last 18 days has been hard, we have never been apart this long. I think that as i was looking at all of these pictures and watching the movies, her current physical condition had somewhat disappeared from my mind. I had forgotten how thin she was when i dropped her off because i have been looking at the pictures of her healthy for the last two weeks. When i walked into the center, and she came around the corner, she was very thin and underweight, just like when i had dropped her off.  It caught be by surprise again. Feelings of anger came over me and i was mad at her ED again, just like before she left. I did not want to be mad, but when i saw what it had a done to her body over the last 6 months,  i had a conflict of emotions raging in my head. I want her to be healthy again so bad. It was good to sit and talk to her and hold her, but it is just not real to me. We were in a 8'x8' room, with a big observation window and nurses are watching us constantly. Before i could give Jane and envelope with pictures and cards the kids had made, they had to go through it and make sure there was nothing harmful in the package. The more i analyzed the situation, the more the emotions i was having intensified. I was not mad at Jane, she gave me a copy of a autobiography that she wrote and i just got done reading it. After reading it, it was again confirmed to me that she did nothing to bring this on herself. I know i have been referring to the ED as the culprit these last couple of days, but in my spiritual reality, ED is a product of Satan. And he is laughing right now. He has got us in a sad spot. The Jane and I who have 6 amazing kids and were the model family, always striving to be good parents, are now separated and we have to visit our wife/mom who is locked in a prison camoflagued as a hospital. I can just see the celebratory gnashing of teeth that is taking place. We could easily fall of this precipice and drown in the mire of sin and sorrow. As i was driving home, i realized that this will be one of the most difficult tests of our personal life and married life. I think this is the fulfillment of the scriptures. The Lord promises his followers that we will be 'tried, even as Abraham'. That is a huge promise, Abraham was asked to sacrifice his only son. He put his everything on the altar. I can't imagine putting my son on an altar and raising a knife above my head to kill him, but that is what the Lord commanded Abraham to do. In a way, Jane and i are at that point right now. We are being asked to do the nearly impossible. Hers is to overcome a terrible addiction and mental disorder, which i know she has struggled with ever since she was young. I am being asked to show patience and understanding and to do the nearly impossible task of doing everything, even when i feel like i can't. This is our moment where we decide who we are going to become for the rest of our lives. It is a pivotal point of our lives, as important as the day we were married and committed ourselves to each other. The decisions that we are both making are going to have an eternal effect on our children, for the good, or the bad. Satan has been working on me like crazy. I am being tempted everyday. I hate it. I am mad about it and it is easy for me to think that this is Jane's fault, even though i know it is not true. Satan wants to pit me against my wife and having hundreds of miles in between us is the easiest way to do it. He laughs at our tears and our sorrows. He laughs at the confusion in our kids minds. He rejoices to see us doubt and question the process. He thinks he is going to win us. He thinks he is going to capture the health of our daughters one day, just like he did their moms'. He thinks he can tempt me out of the promises that i have made to Jane.  I think this is part of the reason i have felt so inspired to write these long journal entries to Jane. It is building a strong wall of defiance against Satan around our marriage. Every night i go to bed with a new sense of courage and resolve, and happy memories of a loving wife. I need that more than ever right now. He will not get me. If he gets me, he takes a whole family too. I will not allow it. He may laugh now, but his laughing is going to soon become groans as he see us become stronger than ever. He has no idea what he just made. We will be stronger individuals, better parents, a madly in love couple, and have children who know what it is like to have one of their most precious gifts taken away from them for awhile. We will be stronger than before. We will be able to talk of the love of Christ with a new sense of knowledge and finality. We will be able to testify of the healing affects of the Christ's love like never before, as we have experienced a hell and been healed from its effects. We will be able to help others struggling with similar issues and be able to show understanding and empathy towards them, as we have been in their shoes and know the pains they are experiencing. Satan laughs now, but it is short lived. The strength in the promises that we made to God and each other are powerful, and i know that we have angels surrounding us to keep us lifted up. There is just too much riding on this situation not to have their help. So in writing this tonight, i am not angry anymore. I feel loved by my Heavenly Father and i know that He is watching over me as never before. I feel overwhelmed and saddened, but i know that we will get through this. I am saddened at the sight of my best friend and lover again, and a renewed sense of the  enormity of the battle she is waging is fresh on my mind. She is in the fight of her life against her cottage cheese and pie. Only Satan could hinge a eternal destiny on a small morsel of food. That is why he is the great deceiver. He can gain souls from the simplest of things, even food. I know Jane can get through this. I know i can get through it. I got through today. I will get through tomorrow and the next day will be their waiting for me to conquer as well. Though i don't see the 'heavenly' angels around me, i do see the everyday angels all around me, serving us, feeding us, calling to check up on us, watching little ones, and praying for us. We are surrounded by some of the best people in the world, it is no mistake that we live where we live. I like to think that God had me move to this area in preparation for this moment, because we are surrounded by 'angels' who love us. He knows what is in our futures, He prepare us for it. So i could write letters to ED tonight and tell him how much i hate him, but the satisfaction is short lived. I find more peace in thanking God for the gifts that He so freely has given me and that i know He will continue to give me. I know He wants us better, He will get us there. In the process, we are going to gain a education and understanding that cannot be gained in any other way. Though we are angry and sad about it now, we will one day thank the Lord for the understanding, compassion and faith that we gained from it. I know there is a God, Jesus died for me for the purpose of helping me to find peace in this life and the life to come. I have been blessed beyond my abilities. I married my best friend and I love her so much, we have the best kids in the world and we live in the place that God wanted us to live. What more could i ask for? I am a blessed man. And... I love my girl!