ANGER!!!!!

So I am feeling a little anger tonight. I am not sure why. It just came on and I will vent it out here. This may be a little raw but I know that I need to record how I am feeling, especially right now when I am feeling it. If I try to write later on about my previous feelings, I can't write how I felt accurately. I know when I need to write, I just feel it.  I don't know why I am feeling angry tonight but it is here, so I might as well get it out. 'Jane' told me a week ago that in her conversation with one of her nurses, the nurse said, ' 'Jane', I like you as a person, I hate your eating disorder.' or something close to that. That is how I feel tonight. I hate anorexia. It has caused a disruption in our lives for the last year and I want it gone. It is extremely frustrating to deal with it, I have no control over anything right now and being the guy who feels secure when in control, I don't like it. I want my wife back. I want the girl that I have shared so many experiences with over the years  and had so much fun with back. I want her here with me. I do not want the eating disorder here with me. I hate it. It only brings sorrow and tears and heart ache. It brings conversations with people that I don't want to have but I have to have. It brings stress as to whether or not 'Jane' is okay right now. It separates me from knowing what my wife is feeling... right now. It make me have to comfort my kids when they are missing their mom and I have to try to explain it in a way that they will understand. Anorexia made me wonder for the last two months if I was going to wake up to a nonresponsive wife in the morning or come home to a unconscious wife at the bottom of the stairs and a crying four year old because her mom wouldn't wake up. It made me have to wonder whether or not i was going to be holding my wife in 6 months or standing at her grave with 6 crying children looking at a tombstone. I hate it for what it has done to our relationship with each other. I hate if for all these reasons and more. I love 'Jane' more than anything. As we were watching our wedding video tonight for Family Night, I could not help but to smile the whole time whenever she was on the screen. I love that girl that I married. We have had our ups and downs over the years, but I love her so much. Now it feels like there is a third person that has entered our marriage and he is calling the shots. There is not room for him here, and I want him gone. So here I sit, in my house, with my kids asleep, and there is a battle waging down in south and I am not part of it. That makes me sad. I know that it must be this way, that makes it harder. The decisions were made and I had no part of it. Sure I had a part in helping 'Jane' get down there, but that is not what I mean. I had no choice in the matter, it was all taken out of my hands. I am a guy who wants everything in its proper order, at the right time, in the right place. If it is organized, then I feel at peace. When there are unknowns I am being beaten down by the what ifs. So this is my battle and struggle. Can I give the support I need to my wife, take care of six kids every day, be strong and optimistic when I would rather be negative and wallowing in my sorrow and tears? Can I run three businesses, tell every one that asks that our life is okay and that 'Jane' is doing well, keep a house clean and comfort 'Jane's' friends who are sorrowing for her right now? Can I make three meals a day and be happy and cheerful when the kids get on the bus and happy and cheerful when the kids get off the bus? Can I put trust in our insurance that when this all done, they are going to pick up the tab? I don't have a choice in any of those things, my script has been written and I am following along. It is what it is and I will do what I have to do. I can be bitter and have a grudge or I can let it go and move forward one day at a time. The past is behind me now, 'Jane' is in inpatient, the kids and the house need to be taken care of, money has to be earned and people need to know that we are okay. How I deal with tomorrow is up to me. How I deal with next week is up to me. How I deal with the months ahead, is up to me. I can either make this difficult or I can trust that God knew that I could take the brunt of it and still trudge forward. So trudge I will, one day at a time. And hopefully one day the trudging will turn to a walk and then a run and I will have my amazing spouse there next to me, running at my side again. So now I have to let go of someone that I love so much, and let her battle it out herself. There is nothing I can do about it but write letters, give her encouragement over the phone and let 'Jane' know that the kids are being taken care of. So I am fighting mad tonight. ED has to go. There are no other options. 'Jane' does not want him here, I don't want him here, the kids don't want him here and God does not want him here. The odds are clearly stacked against him, so go he will.... and... I love my girl!