My fears...

My love, that was quite the counseling session, huh? To be honest, I am scared. I am scared of losing you again. I am scared of falling back down into that abyss that we have been clawing our way out of for the last two months. I am terrified that I am going to lose you again, but the next time will be far worse. In each of those reasons, 'I' is the prevalent word. Those are selfish thoughts because they have everything to do with me, nothing to do with you. I have to now put my trust into the process just like I have been telling you to do for the last two weeks. I was glad to have the opportunity to share with you my feelings about coming home  and my worries and concerns. This eating disorder put me in a terrible place emotionally, mentally and physically. The emotions that I had were so raw, I had never had them before. Feeling those emotions for the first time scared me and caught me off guard in a way that I had never experienced. I did not know that I loved you so much until I lost you. I did not know that I hated the eating disorder so much until I lost you. That is such a wide range of emotions expressed in two short sentences. I was in a hell in December. I really thought that you were going to die in the next couple of weeks of month. That is hard thing to come to grips with as a husband to a woman that I adore. That is my worst nightmare, to lose you, and I saw it happening right in front of me and there was nothing I could do about it. Now that I have experience those emotions, I know what they are. Like I  said on the phone, if there is a next time, those emotions will not be so intense. I am all in on this experience. I am all in on getting you home feeling better about yourself. I am all in with being with you in the months to come and getting to know you better. I am afraid that my intensity will not be as resilient if there is a next time. I know you are going to have struggles and that we are going to have hard times. I was really glad when your therapist was able to define my words into a more specific fear, and that was that you will close yourself off from me and that the dishonesty will return. She was correct, that is my greatest fear, that you will try to fight this alone or give in to it and leave me with deception. I will do whatever I can to help you not fall back into those ways. I will try to be here for you when you need me. I am all in on your recovery. I am not all in on going back to our old ways. I know that you want to get better, we have all been praying for you to get better. I was encouraged when you told us on the phone today that you surrendered yourself to not knowing the time frames. That made me happy. I am glad that you reached that point last week, I think if you had not reached that  by today, you never would have because now we have any idea of the time frame of the next few weeks. But now I want you to go a step further, and maybe you are already there. I want you to surrender yourself to recovery. I want you to not picture yourself at home, struggling with the dinner that is front of you, or the pushups that you want to do. I don't want you to picture yourself being embarrassed when you see someone you know that probably is aware of why you were gone. I don't want you to picture yourself being self conscious when someone says you look great. What I do want you to picture is how great it is going to feel when you drive down our gravel driveway after being gone for almost three months and the feeling of excitedness and relief at seeing the home we love. I want you to picture us sitting around the dinner table talking and laughing about our day. I want you to feel the love of those who truly care for you, those who have been praying non stop and helping me so much, and when they see you and they want to make a big deal about you, hug you and tell you that they missed you, that you will feel good about that. I want you to picture the embrace that we are going to have each day, knowing that we are back together again and that you were saved from the grave. The eating disorder is nothing to us in this new view, it is everything in the old us. It is time to close that chapter, hard as it may be  and as difficult as it will feel, the page has to be turned. There is just too much happiness to be enjoyed to let it take your thoughts, emotions and love from you. When you return, it will be a celebration. We will be happy, we will break out the sparkling cider and toast as a family the miracles that we have received and been a part of the last two months. I realize that you are quickly approaching the next phase in this journey. One that is outside the Center. I realize how scary and thrilling this will be for you. I just ask that you let me take the path with you. Hard as it may be, let me go with you and share in the journey. We are going to have hard times ahead, but they don't have to be difficult ones. They can bring us closer together, not further apart. Please be honest with me. Write it in your journal a million times, that you will be honest with me, so when you are having a hard day and you don't want to tell me, you can pick it up and read in you book how much you did not want to fall back into the old way. That is one reason I write to you every night, I wanted to capture the emotion in my moment of trials so that I can read these words again to get pulled back to where I need to be if I get off course in the future. I love you so much, if this eating disorder can go away,  I know we will rise to a new level in our relationship and love that we have never experienced. Lets take this journey together, I will be here for you. You are my girl and always will be. I love you.

God cared about a mule.

Before I go, let me share just one story from my life. I am sure I have shared this with you before. But it fits into my thoughts these last couple of days. Seven years ago or so, we were in the mountains with your brothers and mine, hunting. We had a long day, hiked up and down the hills over and over. We had shot a bear and your brother had shot a small little buck. It was at the end of the day, and I had talked my brother into bringing the mules all the way down to the bottom of the mountain to load up the meat. We had a long walk back to camp and evening was quickly approaching. I grabbed the lead ropes for the mules and I started hiking back. It was a lot of uphill walking and I was soooo tired. But all of a sudden, I had a burst of energy like I had not had all day. I hiked fast. The mules were having a hard time keeping up with me. I found my new energy invigorating and went with it, not stopping to rest at all as I walked the miles back to camp, up a mountain then down a mountain. I could not see the other guys behind me at all, they were just trudging along. I made the last hike up the hill before I dropped down into camp and I was almost at a jog by the time I came into camp. As I came around the trees I could see down into camp and I could hear a gasping, an animal making it lasts attempts to breathe. I saw my mule, (the same bles-sed mule that we have today! oh that celestial angelic creature:) and it had gotten its lead rope wrapped around its neck and was on the ground taking one of its last breaths. I let go of my mules and ran down the hill, fumbling with my knife as I ran. I cut the rope, letting the pressure off of the mule's throat and windpipe and it immediately took a huge breath of air and laid there while it regained its energy before standing up. It was now safe and getting oxygen. I have often thought about that experience. The energy and speed that I had was not from me, but given to me in some unimaginable way from God. God cared about a mule. God cared that we could get our gear back to the truck the next day. That mule is still out in our pasture right now and our kids have ridden her numerous times. Isn't it interesting and amazing that God would care about a mule. The scriptures say that not even a sparrow cannot fall from the sky without God knowing it. That is amazing to think about. So if He cares that much about a bird or a mule, how much more does He care for Jane, His daughter. He loves you, I love you. Try to find that power to grow stronger through and from Him. He is the only one with the ability to heal you from your disorder. I want you here with me, I am praying with the children daily for you to receive a miracle of healing. Pray for it with us. And....... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!

Please don't be sad at me for not bringing you home

Good evening my girl. Hope the rest of your day was grand and relaxing. We left you and hit the open road. I loved that we got to hang out today and not be rushed. Being in the motel room for lunch was good, it was real. I liked that. The kids have really missed you. I am good at giving them the necessities- food, clean clothes, and good night kisses. You are so much better and giving them the wants- encouragement, loves and a listening ear. We make a good team, I will be excited when we are together again. I got some great pics today of us, it will be a good memory for years to come. It broke my heart when you disappeared into the center and our second youngest came out of the bathroom and had the saddest look on her face and said, 'is mom gone? I did not get to hug her!' then our second oldest came out and said the exact same thing. So when you came out to go down the elevator, I was so happy, and so were they. They miss you so much, they are so resilient about it though. Don't let that fool you into thinking that you have become obsolete, your fear that you mentioned to me before. They talk about you non stop. Last night when baby girl said the prayer for dinner with my parents, she prayed that you would receive a miracle. My mom was so impressed by that. We have such great kids, I can't wait for us to be together as a family again.
I do not know what to write to you tonight. I am pretty tired and my mind is kind of worn out. The kids were really good on this trip, so it is not worn out from them. Just the hustle bustle and talking care of things gets me a bit tired. My mind does not rest anymore. So on the way home the kids watched the movie 'Courageous'. It was good to listen to it on the way home. I want to be a good dad to the kids. My hope is that they will grow up one day and remember the good things that I did for them, and not the times I worked late or the times I had to be on my computer all day. I realize that this role I am playing is short lived, one day they will grow up and I will no longer be the amazing dad that they perceive from a child like stand point. I want to be the dad that had fun with them, challenged them, supported them, and taught them. But most of all I want them to know that I love them. There is just not enough time it seems to fit that all in and to get everything done that I need to. I hope we can make some big changes in our lives in the coming months and years.When you get home, I want you to help me be a better dad, you see things that I should do that I can't see sometimes.
I though a lot about our conversations that we had this weekend while I was driving home. I want you here with me, I have said that over and over. I realize the good that you can receive by being down there. I also realize the difficult struggle that you are going through by having to spend all that time with women that are difficult to live with. We will see the value in it one day, may be long in the future. It is tough when you are right in the middle of a hard situation to see the end. But the ends always come, and the trials do end. Your trials will probably continue when you come home, but I hope we can give you the support that you need. I don't know what else I can tell you, I hope that the next month goes by really fast for you and you can make great strides in your mind and with your perception of your body. This is such a personal journey for you, when it comes down to it, there are only two people that can change the outcome. You and God. We are on the sidelines with hundreds of family and friends rooting for you, but in all reality, you make the outcome, God gives you what He knows is best. I pray for you daily, I am your biggest fan. Be patient, have faith, pray unceasingly for the healing that you need and desire. I love you. Please don't be sad at me for not bringing you home, I want to, but I want you to come home able to cope with the disorder on a healthy level. I love you so much.  Have a great week. And..... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!

My greatest hope is that you will learn how great you really are

Hello my love. I had a wonderful time with you today. It is so weird, we will never get used to this. My day was good, we had a little emotional start but the ride down was uneventful. The kids did do really well and I had some good talks with my dad. It is always so good to see you when we first walk into the Center, I love that look on your face when you see me or the kids. I was a bit tired today, only had about five hours of sleep last night, so sorry if I was a little mellow this afternoon. The kids loved hanging out with you tonight, I asked them what their favorite part of the day was and they all said the same thing, seeing you. I hope you enjoyed the time you got to spend with them. I know you have not been around the chaos for the last two months, so it is a bit overwhelming to get in a minivan with six kids.  I look forward to the day when we can spend more time with each other, we need us and that day will come soon. Be patient with the process. Your therapists deal with this everyday, they know what works and what does not work. We can both agree that we want you to be healthy and happier, they are working to get you to that goal. If your ED was easy to overcome, we would not be in this spot right now. We can reassess it weekly. I want to make sure you understand that I want you home with me, I never wanted you to leave in the first place. But difficult circumstances require difficult fixes, and this process is not easy. I don't see you wanting to come home the eating disorder speaking in you as much as a mom and wife who really misses her family. I don't know what to say besides that which I have already said. You are getting the best help for your ED that a person can possibly get. I know the girls that you live with are hard to get along with and you wonder if the time down here is well spent. I cannot give you any encouragement other than I feel that it is right that you are still down here. I am trying to be as in tune as possible with the Spirit and I have had no feelings to contradict that other than the natural selfish feelings of a husband missing his wife. This process will one day be over, it will be in the next 8 weeks for sure. Strive to gain as much as you can, learn all that they are teaching you. Especially learn the coping mechanisms the best you can. You know I worry about when you come home and how it is going to be. It is worth the sacrifice now to avoid the major relapses. I will continue to come down and see you as much as I can. This is difficult, but we are worth it. We can do it, just take one day at a time still.
Your comment to me on the timing of this drama is accurate to my feelings as well. I have thought about this a lot lately. I feel strongly that Heavenly Father was able to help you hold off the severe aspects of the eating disorder until we could best handle it. Had this happened a five years ago or so, I would have been a mess. I would have had little babies crawling around and I would not have been able to deal with taking care of the kids as good as I have. I would have been in the middle of building and working and I would not have been able to go to work everyday. Mental health was not covered under our health insurance plans, it was not mandatory until Jan 1, 2015. I would have not been able to afford the help that you needed. Had this happened a few years from now, our daughters would have been older and would have been more aware of your ED tendencies. Yes, this was the right time to deal with it. I will forever thank the Lord for helping us to have this experience now and not sooner or later. My dad said to me today, 'Your life was moving right along and everything was going perfect and then this hit you.' My response to him surprised him a little bit. And I said it a 100% truthfully. I told him that 'everything is still going perfect. I have learned lessons that I would not have learned any other way. I have learned patience, I have learned empathy, I have learned to relate with those who are depressed and suffer with mental illness. I have learned that there is more to life than work. I have learned that my kids are a blast to hang out with. I have learned how much I love Jane' I went on and told him about experiences that I have had and the growth that has come. This experience has been good for me, it has been hard, but I am better for having gone through it. I know I have had a hard road to walk this past couple of months, I know that your road has been harder. We will come out of this healed. I would never volunteer to go through this experience but in a way, I am convinced that I had to have it to become better. We will be happier one day. My greatest hope is that you will learn how great you really are. If not in this life, I know that you will realize it in the next life. My hope is that one day you will look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman that you are. If not, then I hope that one day you will look at your beautiful children and see how good and great they are, and you will realize that you are a good mom. I hope that one day you will look at me, and see how far I have come at being more Christlike and realize that you had the greatest impact in me becoming who I am. If you cannot see it in yourself, look for it in those whom you are raising. Look for it in me, the cocky arrogant 22 year old who you married 14 years ago who thought he could and should say everything that came to his mind. I still make a lot of mistakes, but because of you I make a lot less of them. Hang with me Jane, give me the trust that you can. You is kind, you is nice, you is important :) Trust me when I say that you are beautiful now and when you are fully weight restored. Trust me when I say that you are loved by so many. Trust me when I say that you are worth the sacrifices that are being made. Trust me when I say that God loves you and He is mindful of your every thought and prayer. You are worth everything. I have spend many a lonely night in our beautiful home, on our beautiful property, in this free country, with our amazing six kids and still feel a longing for you that I cannot describe. I have everything but I am still missing something. You complete me. I am my best when you are next to me.
I love you, the kids are all asleep now in our hotel rooms. They had a great time with their cousins and my mom and dad. My mom made the comment to me as I was leaving that no matter where we are at, or what we need, she will be there to help. I believed her when she said that. And I will make you the same promise,  no matter where you are at, or what you need, I will be there to help. I love you, have a good week, I am looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow. And.... I LOVE MY GIRL!