There was once a little girl, bright eyed and cheerful

Not sure what to write about tonight. I feel like I have been pouring my heart out to you for almost two months that I do not know what to say that would not seem repetitious. So maybe I can simply my feeling into a children's story. Goes something like this.

There was once a little girl, bright eyed and cheerful. She cared for everyone and felt what they felt, good and bad. One day she was feeling sad because those who were suppose to love her made her feel unsecure and unloved. It made her start hiding her feelings and her tears, until one day she met a friend named ED. He was nice, he told her that it did not matter if her family was mean to her, she could control how she felt by herself. Her and ED became good friends, they spend a lot of time together. At first ED helped her feel happy and better about her self. He told her that she looked good and that if she would do certain things, she would look better. The problem with Ed was that he only cared how she looked. As time went by, ED was not as nice as he seemed. As time went on, this little girl got older and fell in love with a man who absolutely adored her. They got married, but ED did not come to the wedding and did not visit the girl for a long time. The girl was busy and had amazingly adorable babies, six of them to be exact. Sometimes ED would come and knock on the door when the girl's husband was not there, the girl and ED would talk for a few moments but the girl was so busy that she had to end the conversation. She was unsure if she liked ED or not, he had been good to her in the past. The girl was loved, had a great life and at times even forgot about ED. But one day, with her husband gone, ED came back to talk to the girl. She knew he was bad for her, but could not resist the temptation to have long talks with him like when she was younger. She listened and believed what he said. He told her that she would be happier with him back in her life. So she let him back in and immediately he took full control of her and she could not break free. The husband came home but never met ED, he was always in the other room and their paths did not cross for months, but ED was always there. Finally, the girl, in desperation for help to free herself from ED, told the husband about ED and the control he had on her. The husband was sad, he did not know what to think about ED, or even who ED was. The husband tried to force ED to leave, but it made ED talk even more loudly to the wife. There were times where the husband was to mad at ED but he could do nothing, the girl wanted ED to stay. Finally out of desperation, the husbanded pleaded for the girl to leave ED but ED was now too powerful. The only option was to have the girl leave with ED. The husband was devastated. But he let them go. He had lost this battle with ED, but the war was still waging. The husband promised the girl and himself that he would become a more formidable warrior. He did not know how, but he would figure out how to win the girl back and free herself from the grasp of ED. The man, in desperation, prayed to know what to do. The man began to write to his girl, over and over. Hours and hours of words flew out of his mind. He tried everything, past memories, happier days, and even professed his love for the girl. ED was strong, he fought back through thoughts of doubt, and unworthiness. The battle became more fierce, a battle between love and hatred raged in front of the girl, she could only watch the battle, not able to see who was going to win. ED looked like he might overcome the man, but then, something changed. The man was able to look at the girl, and tell her that no matter what, he would always love her more than ED would love her, even if ED won the war. The girl could not understand that, nor could she feel that the words were true. But then, in an instant, she felt something. She felt the husband might be right. She started to feel the love that he had thought and written. She started to believe that ED was really the enemy and not a friend. She start to love and feel love like she had never felt before. The battle still waged on, the man came to battle weekly, sometimes bringing six other warriors, small but mighty warriors, with him. The girl took up the fight as well, together the eight of them battled ED by loving each other, by expressing their thoughts and feelings.  As time grew, ED began to get weary and became to grow smaller and weaker. Soon he looked as if he could barely even communicate with the girl. And then, one day, the man came and finally grabbed the girl and walked away with her, hand in hand, away from ED who had become so weak, that he did not even know that the girl had left him, forever. The man, the girl, and the six little warriors had won, the girl had grown stronger and she could fight ED herself if she had to. The girl had ended her friendship with ED, but gained a much stronger friendship, love, and trust with the husband and the six little warriors. They left the battle field and headed home, to enjoy all that they had been blessed with. ED sometimes came around, but was never acknowledged, he was too weak and not worthy of the thoughts of the girl. The girl grew to be amazing, she showed loved to those who had hurt her and helped those who had also met ED to escape his friendship. The girls became a warrior, defeating all the ED and other tyrants in her way. She cared for everyone and felt what they felt, good and bad. The man loved the girl. The girl loved the man. And they loved their babies. Life was amazing, and they lived........

My love for you will ALWAYS be stronger than your eating disorder

I am struggling with your struggle lately. I just want us to move on to the next step of the process to where you find peace with yourself. I just don't know what I can do to help you. It pains me inside that you don't feel good about who you are. It is so obvious to me what and who you are. Imagine if it was me who felt like I was worthless, ugly and a terrible person, even when you know it is the complete opposite. What would you say to me? What words would you use to try to help me understand what I really am? This is a tough position for us, because your perception of yourself is everything, regardless of the realities that I see. I really would like to know the things that I do that make you feel loved. I know you like it when I put thought into things that I am going to give or do for you. But what else? What is the nicest thing that I have ever done for you? What is the one nice or loving thing that I have said to you that you really believed me when I said it? What is the most favorite memory of us? I feel like there have been times in our life together where you actually believed that you were loved, beautiful, and special. There has to be, Satan can't whisper to you all the time, God has worked in your life stronger than you recognize. We watched a Mormon message this morning about Gordon B. Hinckley and a story he shared from his father. He gave this talk in 1993 in General Conference-

“An older boy and his young companion were walking along a road which led through a field. They saw an old coat and a badly worn pair of men’s shoes by the roadside, and in the distance they saw the owner working in the field.

“The younger boy suggested that they hide the shoes, conceal themselves, and watch the perplexity on the owner’s face when he returned.

“The older boy … thought that would not be so good. He said the owner must be a very poor man. So, after talking the matter over, at his suggestion, they concluded to try another experiment. Instead of hiding the shoes, they would put a silver dollar in each one and … see what the owner did when he discovered the money. So they did that.

“Pretty soon the man returned from the field, put on his coat, slipped one foot into a shoe, felt something hard, took it out and found a silver dollar. Wonder and surprise [shone] upon his face. He looked at the dollar again and again, turned around and could see nobody, then proceeded to put on the other shoe; when to his great surprise he found another dollar. His feelings overcame him. … He knelt down and offered aloud a prayer of thanksgiving, in which he spoke of his wife being sick and helpless and his children without bread. … He fervently thanked the Lord for this bounty from unknown hands and evoked the blessing of heaven upon those who gave him this needed help.

“The boys remained [hidden] until he had gone.” They had been touched by his prayer and felt something warm within their hearts. As they left to walk down the road, one said to the other, “Don’t you have a good feeling?”


We talked this morning before the kids left for school, about what gave the good feeling, or what brought them peace. I explained to the kids that Christ has suffered all. We are not greater than He is. This is mortality where we are given the opportunity to experience the good and the bad, the joy and the sorrow. I asked each of the kids to think about the phrase, "Peace be unto thy soul" and then I asked them what brought peace to their souls. The answers surprised me. My oldest son said his piano music brought him peace. My second son said our devotionals and prayer. My youngest son said being outside with the dogs and playing with them. My oldest daughter said that talking on the phone to you and seeing you brought peace. My second oldest daughter said that prayer and loving each other brought her peace. And baby girl said that family brought her peace. I did not answer the question this morning, but I have rather thought about it throughout the day. One of the things that brings me great peace is writing to you. I don't know why this is, but when I write to you, I feel like the conduits of inspiration are opened to me and my mind is able to process my thoughts and feelings more clear, even to the transformation from thought into word. Sometimes I look what I have written and wonder where those words came from. So in the simplest of terms, I find peace in letting you into my mind, into my thoughts and into my heart. When I can accurately portray who I am to you, I am at peace. I want you to understand me and that gives me peace to my mind. So the question I would ask you, what brings peace to your soul? What is it that can help you to calm down, sets the anxiety aside, and lets your mind rest for a few minutes? I am not a therapist, nor am I educated in many formal ways, but I do know that the Savior of mankind promised that "Peace I give unto you." and I know that He always give us what He promises. Find that peace, even as small as it may be. Find it and focus on it. Grow it, nurture it and it will grow. That peace that may seem small to you when you finally feel it  will grow until it can be felt more easily, until you recognize it more. Just like you finally found our that you have been feeling anxiety all of these years, there is a moment coming to you soon that you will realize that you have also been feeling peace all of these years. I love you, you know I do. Everything that I do is for you. My whole life is based around you. So either I am crazy (which at times I am!) or I am right in making you the 100% focus of my life. Find peace in knowing that I will always be here for you, even when the times get tough. I will always come for you. I may be late at times, but I will always be there for you. I love you, and I want to love you back to health again. Like I told you last week, my love for you will ALWAYS be stronger than your eating disorder, always!!! Find peace in that, find peace in us, look for that peace in Christ who descended below all to raise us above all! And..... I love my Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You will finally see what everyone else sees, that you are beautiful inside and out.

Hello my love, every time I sit down to write this letter I still find it odd that we are in this spot. Who would have thought? But just like it seems it will never end, one day we will be sitting here together, reading some of these emails together and thinking how long ago that was. Keep your chin up, summer days will soon be here and we can do intuitive sleeping and get up when we feel like it. I remember when I first got into the mission field. I was happy to be there but it was so hard. Everyone, from those at home to those in the MTC, to those in the mission field kept telling me how quickly the mission would go by. I fully expected to wake up that first morning and my two years would be over. Instead I woke up, in a freezing cold flat, got up and took a shower in a mildew infested tub, and spent the day in the rain, freezing, talking to people that did not want to talk to me. That first month, I was so home sick. It was not like anything I had ever done before. But time moved on, summer came, and I got into my groove and dealt with my insecurities, my inability to talk to strangers, and I was not able to get over my longing for home, but I was able to cope with being away. I know that what your going through is not a mission, nor is it anything like a mission. But the struggles that we go through in life feel the same. Feeling of inadequacy, thoughts of failure, the ability to cope under the pressures of life. Hard as they are, some how we find ourselves able to get through them, one day at a time. I could not look at the whole two years when I first got out there, it was just too daunting. I could look at the day at hand and the teaching that needed to be done and the appointments that needed to be kept. I managed to find joy in my shortcomings, humor in my mistakes, and love for those who did not have it. It got better, I got better and I became the person that I wanted to be, but not until after I had gone through the hard time. I don't know why I reverted back to my mission on this email, but nevertheless I did. I remember one night in particular, it was in my last area, I was kneeling next to my bed. I was months from coming home, but I felt the strongest desire to pray for my wife. I did not know who she was, what her name was, where she lived. I just knew that I needed to pray for her. And I did. I can't help but to think that you were struggling with something that day and that connection between us already existed. I still feel that sacred connection with you today, just so much stronger. I don't know why you are struggling with this disorder in the way that you are. I wish I could understand it so that I could do and say the things that would give you comfort and strength. I would have been the husband that you needed a long time ago if I would have just known. I don't say this to make you feel guilty or sad, we both had our mountains to climb and our abysses to slog through, but I say this to you now so that you know that I will be the husband that you need from here out. I don't know how I will be it, I don't know what I will be, but I will be the man that you need. We are going to struggle beyond belief in the coming years, it is going to be hard, it will be difficult, but I am going to be in a much better spot to give you the support and comfort that you need. But it is not all bad, it is going to be a year of excitement, a year of understanding, a year of bliss and year of amazement. I will carry you through the abysses if you will run with me over the hills. When this life is over, and all is said and done, the one thing that I am going to carry with me into the yonder eternities, is the relationship with you. My kids will have grown and gone, my wealth and possessions will long ago have melted back into the elements of this world, but I will have you. We will have us. That is what heaven is all about, the ability for 'us' to be together forever, possessing the charity and love that God so freely gives to us. That is it, you and I. So we need to work on us,  love deeper, laugh longer, pull our children together more often, talk sweeter, treat others with more kindness, serve where needed, and pray that God will bless us with attributes that we are in need of. I know that you can overcome this disorder. You have it in you. I don't know how, I don't know how you get rid of the thoughts that counter act my compliments to you. I have no idea. All i know is that you are a daughter of God, that you have a Heavenly Father and Mother who sent you here to earth not to be sad and unhappy, but to learn to love yourself, love who you are, and love how you look. You may not understand that now, you may not see that now, and from our conversation today, you definitely don't hear that now. But just because you don't see it, does not mean it is not true. If you cannot trust yourself, then trust me, like your therapist said. And if you find that difficult, trust your little ones, there is no deceit in them in their relationship with their mom. And if you can't trust them, trust the love that God has shown to you over the years. And if you can't trust those, then it is probably time that you get on your knees and plead with your Heavenly Father to know if you are His. He made no mistake on you. I am sure your ancestors and your descendents weep at the thought that you feel unworthy or insufficient in you looks or personality. I wanted to cry when i heard today what you thought of yourself, because i know the the truth. The memories of how you looked after giving birth to our children is still etched into my mind. You radiated peace, love and determination as you helded those brand new babies in your arms for the first time. I will never forget how beautiful you were to me at that point, having walked to the precipice of pain that i could never imagine, to bring these little ones into our home. I will never forget how you looked when we sat on top of Table Rock, with the mountains behind you, and the wind blowing through you hair. I will never forget how you looked when i would walk into bank and see you standing behind the counter, as my new wife of only a few months. What is more amazing is that even though you are beautiful and graceful on the outside, you are even more beautiful on the inside. You make the veterans happy in our area with treats every year you make for them every Veteran's Day, you take dinners to those who feel promped to help without knowing why, you take a interest in our children's activities that i find boring and insignificant when it means the world to them. These few things, and countless more, are what make you irresistable to me. So to end this letter, i just want to say one more time, that I love you. God made no mistake in you. I hope you will realize one day how good and how courageous you are. I realize it, as do all who know you. Satan wants you to look down, but God wants you to look up. So look up, plead with him in prayer that you, His daughter, might feel His love for you, His support, His kindness and His mercy. He will show it to you, and when you finally feel it, you will finally see what everyone else sees, that you are beautiful inside and out. Cold winter days always precede the warmth of spring. I love you.
And....... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Miracles happen everyday

What can I say to you that I have not already said? I love you, I desire you, I want you, I love being with you. I want us, together, happy and feeling. ED has been a worthy opponent, and he almost took you from me. We are becoming more powerful each day and he is growing weaker. You may not think this as you are dealing with it in you mind each day, but I feel the hold that it has had on you is weakening with every email that we write, minute that we hold, phone call that you make, and feelings that we share. Do we ever get to a point where we having nothing to go vulnerable to each other about? Is it possible to get to a point where we are so close that we are comfortable to share anything and everything with each other?? I wonder, I have never been here before. So you think I am a romantic now, huh? Just because I want to whisper sweet nothings into your ears, plan our next emotional moment with musical videos and songs, send you the words to love songs, or imagine us holding each other in our arms in warm summer evenings with lights breezes, songs of sweet birds all around us. Does that make me a romantic, or just a man that can't get enough of the beautiful girl that took his last name and promised to be mine forever? I am in a good place this week. The emotions that I have dealt with over the last three months have dissipated and I am just left with a longing for you here next to me. I cannot say that I am even lonely, I want you here but I think the loneliness came from a emotional detachment that I thought we had. I know that I will hold you in four days, and have you in my arms for a few hours. I look forward to Saturday rather than feel bad for myself. It has given me a new purpose to my week, and the time seems to go so fast when I am in love with you, so slow when we are at odds. What would a email be with out the song of the day? I love this one, it is so true. I did not know what I had in front of me all of these. I think you did not even know what you had in front of you all these years either. We had us and we did not know the pain that would come if we ever became just you and I, separated. The thought of not having you for the rest of my life would be hell, I never want to get close to that again. Life is short, I want to spend our time in love and loving, enjoying our life. I can go on and on, like any good romantic could do. But rather I will end with the feelings of my heart expressed in the rhythms of this song. I love you Jane. You make me complete. You make me happy. Work hard, over come this ED so we can be back together soon. I want you to be happy, complete and with healing in your heart. It is possible. Miracles happen everyday. There are six little ones sleeping downstairs right now. Six little miracles that we helped create. I love that. I love them. I love us, and ........... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Passenger- you let her go

 

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know your love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know your love her when you let her go
And you let her go

The past has to be let go. We cannot change it. But the future..... the future is amazing

So as I was driving home today from our weekend together, the Twilight song came on. I have never listened to the words before, and this time I did. I know, your husband is sending you the words to another love song. This is the new me???  So it really made me happy. It made me think of the last 14 years together, you have been so alone and I have been waiting for you to come to me. We have made that step and are taking more. This is not a quick process, but you are walking and we are now in forward motion. It will get better each week together, it will come naturally one day. You are my everything. It is funny, everything that was so important to me last week, seems so insignificant this week. I am sure I am on a 'Jane High' right now and will come back down to reality but I like this right now. I liked thinking about you nonstop for the last five days. It was bliss. I know the circumstances that we find ourselves in is nothing close to bliss, and it will change in the coming months. But I never want the way I feel about you right now to change. You are my every dream and thought, hope and promise. I will do all that I can in the coming months to make this sacrifice worth it, I will not let you down. ED took so much away from me. He had the upper hand in December and he was winning the battle against me. He was winning my girl, one pound at a time, one day at a time. But the battle has changed now, we are beating him back, and we are doing it not through finding our what went wrong in your life, but what went right. We met, we loved, we married, we built a life together. That is what is right in your life. You will never be able to change what your mother said to you, or what you saw your mother do, but we will change how we view our life that we have built and how I treat you, and how you treat me. That is going to have a more powerful effect on your mind than anything Satan can throw at you. Our ending is not written yet, the optimism for the future and the love that we have found, melts the sorrows of your youth like a frost in the middle of a hot July day. It will go away if we can learn to love each other, our children and God on a level that we have never been able to achieve before. Life stinks sometimes. Life is crummy sometimes. But that is not life, that is a bad experience. Life is waking up to the person you love every morning and being able to reach over and touch that person while she is still asleep. Life is finding out that the family of two will soon be a family of three, four, five, six, seven and eight!!! Life is seeing my wife come into the Celestial Room dressed in white at the end of a temple session. Life is having my wife splash me in the front seat of the car with a  water bottle and watching her laugh her head off. Life is watching your husband come home sad and broken hearted that he had to put his dog Annie down, and watching him hold back the tears. Life is seeing your little girls do sloppy cart wheels and draw all over their faces with makeup for the first time. Life is watching you boys come home from hunting and camping trips a little more manly, a little more confident. Life is walking in to our bathroom, after telling the girls yes to 'having a bubble kingdom' bubble bath, and not knowing what that meant till you see it!!!!! Life is looking into your husband's eyes, knowing that he would do anything to have you walk hand in hand with him, emotion in emotion, in pain and happiness. This is what life is. The past has to be let go. We cannot change it. But the future..... the future is amazing! The future is whatever you want it to be! And I know that we will have whatever we want it to be. We just have to let the past be the past and let the future be the story that we write, together. And.... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!! 

A Thousand Years Lyrics

(Verse 1)
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

(Verse 2)
Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday

Waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more