I saw a girl that was broken...

Hello my love..... what a day. I went from one end of a the spectrum to the other end. I felt sad and depressed and now I feel optimistic and loved. I just got done reading your letter that you wrote me this afternoon. I loved it. It was exactly what I needed from you. I have wanted that letter from you for so long. I am sad that it took this experience to get it from you but I think that it was one of the first times that I have ever really felt the emotion in your words. That is huge for me and you. I want  you to know that I love you more than anything, more than money, more than things, more than my time. I love you, I always have even from the beginning dates when we first started to hold on to each other, to the years of newly weds where we did not have a clue what we were doing, to the struggles of bringing little ones into the world, to the ups and downs of our financial life, even through this battle of your eating disorder. I have learned to love you more and deeper than ever before. I want you to tell me your trials, I want to share them with you. Life is so lonely and tiring when we are separate, not just physically like we are now, but also mentally and emotionally. I feel like I can do anything when I have your support. I want you to feel the same. I want you to know that no matter what, my love for  you will never go away. We will have our fights and our arguments, our disagreements and difficulties, but it will never change my love for you. We have a love that is eternal in nature.  After going through these past couple of months, I have come to know more fully that we were meant to be together. You see, this trial is not taking us apart, it is bringing us so much closer. I was so happy today when we resolved our problem by ourselves. I know we have a lot of work to do together in that area, but the worst thoughts were rolling through my mind last night. I was at the bottom of the pit, everything looked dreary no matter which way I ran the situation in my mind. I thought that there could be no good outcome and when I wrote that letter to you this morning, I think you felt my emotions. When we sat in those two chairs, inches away from each other, I saw emotions in you that I have not seen before. When we stood those two paces apart from each other and the therapist asked me to yell out words to you, I was not lying. Beautiful. Resiliant. Sad. I saw a girl that was broken. But I saw a girl that I was so in love with. You started to cry and I could not help but to have the strongest feelings of love for you. I could see the sorrow in your soul. We have both made bad decisions in the past year, we have both said and done things that we probably should not have. But seeing you standing there, I saw a girl who had determination that very few people have. When we hugged after that, I knew we were going to be fine. When you whispered to me that there were no more secrets, I believed you. When we sat by each other tonight on the couch, and I held you as close as I could under the prying eyes of the  nurse, I fell in love with you all over again.  I knew that we were going to be all right. That is what two people who love each other do, they make up, forgive and love. I am so happy that we went from tears to peace, without help from others, in a few hours. That is exactly what I want when this process is over. I want to cry, debate, argue and sorrow. Then I want to come to terms, negotiate, forgive and move on with a single purpose and goal and make up, tell each other how much we love one another and then make out like it is the first time. That is passion. That is love. Love is to be in bad situations but to have the fortitude to make them good again. That is what marriage is all about. That is what we are all about, we just did not know how to do it all of these years. And now after having one of the saddest moments of our life together, we worked through it and that makes me so happy and gives me the reassurance that we are going to get through this together. So thank you for being so understanding, thank you for putting up with my intensity. Thank you for being 'you' today. This is the Jane that I fell in love with all those years ago. I care so much for you. Today was a good day. It was a hard day. But we reached a milestone together, I think our slate is wiped clean. I have no feelings of anger towards you, just an immense amount of love. This is early but Happy Birthday. There will be many more to come. I look forward to each one of them. And, I truly do mean this..... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I feel anymore sadness???

Jane,

What to say? I hit a new low last night. I tell you this not to make you feel bad or guilty, I promised you that I would be 100% honest, so I will. I have never cried like that before. It took me hours to figure out why I was so sad. I think that I can now attempt to put it into words, though words will not do it justice. Yesterday was interesting for me. I was so excited to come down and spend the week with with you. I have looked forward to this since January 7, when I dropped you off. You are all that I think of every minute of every day, from the moment I wake in the morning, to the minute I drift off to sleep, and everything while I dream. I love you so much, far more than you realize. As I drove down, I had the most amazing thoughts and ideas, the most amazing songs played on the radio describing exactly how I felt. When you came around the corner and I was sitting there, my heart raced at your sight. The dietician and the therapy was difficult for me to process. I did not understand what you were saying. It was hard to hear. But I did not know why. I was not quite sure what the thoughts were about that were going through my mind. I loved hanging out with you last night. I loved sitting on the couch with you and talking. I loved looking at how beautiful you are. I loved that there was some depth to out conversation. I loved that you were willing to be vulnerable with me on the letting me read your journal. I can only imagine how hard that was for you. So I left you, went and got dinner, unsuccessfully tried to find you a birthday gift, and came back to the hotel. I read your journal that you gave me to read. I found the big secret. You, of course, knew what my reaction would be. And you were right. But I am 100% sure that the reaction is different that what you think. I can make more money. Yes, it is not easy, but I know God will support me in whatever I need. I don't even care to know much debt or what it is a this point. It will have to be dealt with at the correct time. Only you know when that time is. Let me know when you are ready. But the money is not what broke my heart. I realized, last night for the first time, that we are so far apart on so many levels. The deception and lies are at a depth that I was not prepared for. I did not realize the intricate web of untruths was so wide, from the dieting, use of diet pills and laxatives, midnight exercising, and money. I think what my biggest fears are, at this point, that there are still things that I do not know. I can't help but to think that there are more deceptions from the last 14 years, and previous to that, that I still do not know. I am not perfect. I have many weaknesses. This not a 'holier than thou' letter. I am fighting my own demons every day. But I have never lied to deceive you, and that is why I am so hurt right now. It breaks me to realize that my trust in you is extremely vulnerable right now. It breaks me to know that lying to me came easily. I compound these feeling onto what I felt in the counseling yesterday and the only verdict that I can come to is that I have not been your number one for a long time. I have slid down the ranks over the years and been replaced by other things. You have been a great mother and you have taken great care of me. But I realized yesterday, and last night, that you have withheld so much from me and went to great lengths to deceive me. The fact that I know nothing of these hidden diet pills, hidden exercising, and hidden debt, all show me that I have, in a way, become your enemy, and that is extremely difficult to realize, coming from the one person that I have given my all to. I expect it from others throughout my life, and I can deal with it. I never saw this coming from you. It pains me to write these words. I never wanted to write a letter like this to the girl I love most. I have always wanted your love and affection more than anything else. I am not sure, at this point, that I ever have fully gotten it. I know this is going to tear you apart when you read it. I am sorry for that. But I refuse to not tell you how I am feeling from here on out, as it is why we are where we are right now, and I share a lot of the blame for that. So I don't know what happens from here. We will talk today for sure. Know that I have never felt more vulnerable than right now. Please know that I love you so much and always have and will. My love for you is stronger that a eating disorder, money, or anything else. It always will be. The decisions you now make are going to have huge ramifications on our life together and the lives of our children. I need you to get rid of this eating disorder forever. I cannot deal with the deceit it has brought. I need you, all of you, not just a portion, but every part. I have and will, continue to to give you all of me. I love you.

A giant bull condom.... I know, wierd, you will just have to read it!

 Woke up this morning, early. I could not sleep. My throat was bugging me and I could not get comfortable. I finally got up at 7 and got ready for the day. I wanted to make the kids a breakfast feast so I made some sausage, hash browns and eggs. We sat around and enjoyed our meal and planned our day. The boys were dead set on riding their bikes to town about 7 miles away, it was 26 degrees outside but they did not care. So we finished up breakfast, the boys got their bags all packed, got the phone, made the plans and got some money out of me. It was so cute  to see them plan and follow through on the plans. They left and I could just see the sense of freedom and maturity bursting out of their small man bodies. I had to work on the computer for  a bit and then my oldest daughter came in and begged me to play a game with her and the girls. So we thought about it for a bit and then we decided to play Pictionary. The girls loved it. They came up with their own picture to drawer, it was hard, especially when baby girl was drawing. She would grab that crayon and draw lines and circles like no one's business and then expect us to know what it was. We played for about and hour and had lots of kicks and giggles. I made lunch after that for the little women and then I went outside and had some dog and horse therapy for a bit. I love just going out and seeing and touching my horses, it just make me feel happy. I don't really care for the boys dog but I like George a lot. He always comes up to me and greets me and gives me a good dog smile. The boys got home as I was watering the chickens and we loaded up as they told me of their adventures and all the places and people they saw. I think the little men are going to need more freedom this summer, they are ready. They took care of each other, found good food to eat, and made good memories. We drove out to Jane's brother's house for some play time and dinner. It was good to see them. There kids were excited to have us out and they all just ran off to play with dolls or hunt rabbits and mice. Her brother needed some help taking a bull back to his rancher friend so I helped him get the trailer hooked on and then we loaded up the bull. We stopped at vet to get the bull tested for STD's. Jane's brother had been using him to impregnate his cows and now, before he put him back in with rancher's cows, he had to be sure he was not carrying any diseases. So we got the bull into the shoot and the doc put on a plastic glove up to his arm and grabbed a hand full of cow KY jelly and inserted his hand into the bull's anus. Now I have never seen anything like this before, so I watched with great interest as the doc was up to his armpit in cow butt. He massaged something in there for a few minutes, not a pleasant job. He pulled his arm out and then his assistant vet nurse, came out of the clinic with what I concluded was a giant bull vibrating stimulator. She inserted the giant electric vibrating thing into the bulls anus as well and inserted it in a good 18". The doc got down on the ground, took a measuring tape and measured from the bull's testicles to the tip of the bull's penis and it measured 39 1/2". He then grabbed a cow condom looking thing and got down to make the catch. The gal turned on the giant stimulator and the bulls wiener went erect and then he started to have a orgasm and he ejaculated a good portion of semen that was caught in the giant cow condom, all while the bull mooed out loud sound that sounded like a pain rather than a enjoyable experience. haha, poor feller. With the prize in the bag, the giant stimulator was removed and the doc went to do a sperm count and to see how good a bull he was. If he had lots of fish, he goes to the field for a summer of lots of ladies, if he had bad fish he would go to the slaughter house to be fed to lots of ladies..... and guys too. The results came back and he will spend the summer in the hills taking care of the cows and spreading his genetics freely. It was very interesting to watch. You take the sexual side out of it and just look at the biology of it, it is amazing. It is amazing how the bodies of all living things have all the ingredients needed to make more of their own kind and populate this earth. The bull was in a onery mood after that so we loaded him up and went and dropped him off at. And now I know how the check a bull for STD's. Interesting, huh? We got back to the house and we had chicken tacos and jello salad. The kids had a good time playing and we left there around 8:30.  Everyone is so good to us. Baby girl got out of the van and was asleep before I could tuck her in. The kids are tired tonight and ready for a new school week. I had a good day. I got to spend a lot of time with my kids and they were enjoyable to be around.
I talked to Jane while were are at her brothers'. and she sounded good. I hope she can phase this week. I just want to be able to take her out of the Center for a few hours and spend some time away from the giant observation windows. She is close, I am praying that I will happen. It will be good to spend time together this weekend. I am pooped, my voice in waning and my throat is sore. So I will now sleep and dream of happier days with my wife lying next to me. And... I love my girl!