I am the bandaid, she is the cure.

So today was okay. Just a normal day. Got up, fed the kids waffles. They were on one today. At each others throats all day. I don't think my oldest daughter said a prayer today even though it was her day, she was crying every time it was prayer time. At breakfast, I could not deal with the emotions, so I told everyone to just say a prayer in their heart and we skipped the out loud prayer. haha, whatever it takes to get food down in their bellies and out the door to that big, yellow blessed bus. Man how I love that bus in the mornings. When it comes down the driveway, I am a happy dad. It is like manna from heaven. Not because I don't love my kids, it just means I get a break from the kids for a few hours. Future generations, don't judge me, I am doing the best I can. So we had scripture study, got the kids out the door and then cleaned the house. My baby girl picked out a cute dress, we put a feather head band on her head and a sweater over her arms and she looked like the classy little girl that she is. Then she put on the rainbow tights and the red cow girl boots, and well... she looked very.... Classy :) She is a unique one. I walked around the corner from the kitchen this morning and caught her kissing mom on the picture of me and 'Jane'. It was so cute, she was so embarrassed but it was amazingly cute. One of our friends offered to take her to the library today and to Subway afterward, it is tradition, and I thought it was a great idea. I scheduled a massage because my back has been hurting me. The massage was okay. I now know what 'Jane' means by how it hurts, the gal found a knot in my calf, neck and back and she was not done til they were done. It hurt pretty good..  I got a hair cut after that, went to the grocery store to get a few things including some sushi for lunch (trying to be a little more healthy, beats a burger, fries, ice cream and a pop... oh how I love a good Dairy Queen lunch for five bucks, but so bad for me:( , and ended up at the commercial building parking lot where me and 'Jane' had our first couples counseling over the phone. It was good. 'Jane' sounded good but emotional. Her biggest worry is that I am going to move on and leave her behind. That could not be any further from how I feel. When we talk on the phone, I always let her know that everything is good and we are doing fine. It is not that it is not true, it is just not the truth. It is true that the kids a dealing with things rather well, it is true that we are eating and cleaning,  it is true that we are living life and doing our thing. But the truth is that it really stinks that she is not here and we miss her dearly. The truth is that I cannot wait for her to come home. The truth is that i am madly in love with her and i want to hold her in my arms and kiss her. The truth is that i am extremely lonely during the evenings and I stay up late watching TV or reading so that I will get so tired that i can sleep. The truth is that I am good at taking care of the kids physical needs, 'Jane' is so much better at loving them and filling their emotional, physical, and loving needs. I am a band aid, she is the cure. I can understand to a small degree what she is feeling, she is by herself and living a life separate from us, but I will never move on and leave her behind. My love for her has grown stronger for her every day that she is away. I want her back. But, I want her back when she has gotten all the help that she can get. I could go down and pick her up and bring her home tonight, but I don't want to. I want her to work through her ED and get as well as she can and then come back. The short term sacrifice is worth the long term benefits. We will sacrifice being apart for a few months so that we can have years of happiness, love, friendship, health and a closeness that has escaped us over the past couple of years. It is soooo worth it.
So the counseling was good, 'Jane' told me a few more of her concerns. One was that my dad would be against her being down there when they get home from their trip. I think it will be just the opposite. I think he will realize very quickly that we had no other choice and he will be glad that she is getting the help we need. I can handle my dad, he will understand. Just like I would understand if one of my boys found themselves in my shoes in the future. Dad's have compassion for their kids and their wives, my dad just does not show it like everyone else. We bid adieu and I had to run to the bank, post office ect. One of the teachers from school called me and said my little girl was not feeling well so I went and picked her up. I then went and picked up baby girl. 'Jane's' friend and I had a good talk. She misses 'Jane' a lot. She just wants to talk with her and be with her. I let her know that 'Jane' was doing well and that she sounded good. She has been reading books on ED's so that when 'Jane' gets home, she will have  a better understanding of what she has gone through and what she will continue to go through. 'Jane' has no better friend than her, she is what a true friend is and she is so loyal  to 'Jane', she would stand with her through hell and back, that I don't doubt. I took the girls home in time to have the kiddos get off the bus. Snacks were had, chores were done, piano was cancelled because the piano teacher was sick. Our amazing neighbors brought us dinner, it was so nice to have that done for us tonight. I needed that. The kids got their jammies on and word spread that there would be a 'family tree' dance in the kitchen so we had three new guests this evening. You should have seen me swing my three older boys around. Haha, they still loved to be loved. They are just a tad bit heavier now. We finished off the evening with some reading and then off to bed. Then I sat down and sighed a huge sigh of relief that once again, the kids are in bed, my wife is getting help, and I am still alive and functioning.
So I made a huge mistake years ago. My brother told me that he found this perfect piece of land that he wanted me to look at and buy with him. We drove out to look at it, and he showed me fifty acres that had just come on the market. I liked it, I thought it was a bit far out but it felt good. I went out again a few days later and as I was walking across the field, I had a distinct impression that this is where I would raise my kids. So being the take charge, in control kind of guy that I am, we put together an offer, signed it and got the owner's to sign it and it was done. The problem is that I did not tell 'Jane' about it until the papers were signed. I came home one night and told her that I found land out in the country and that we were going to build a house and move out there. Not a good decision. I should have included her in the decision making process the whole time. We drove out here on a cold cloudy day. There were wild dogs running around, single wides everywhere, punk kids standing at the canals. She was not happy. I did not give her the opportunity to receive the revelation that I had had. There is no doubt in my mind that she would have not gotten the same prompting, if the Spirit told me that it was the right decision, He would have told her the same thing. She was sad that were going to be coming out here, I think she was more sad that I did not include her. I saw the vision of the amazing place it would become. She did not because I had not shared that with her. Looking back, it was the right move. It is a great place to live. We do drive a bit more, but our kids are having an amazing childhood swimming in the pond, riding motorcycles, having animals, associating with great neighbors and friends, shooting fish in the canals (my favorite!) and just having a fun place to grow up. 'Jane' likes it out here too, I could have made it a better experience for both of us though. It did not have to be that way. So my bad, I feel sorrow for it. I am going to try to include 'Jane' in our decision making more. It is not just my live but our life.

So to end the day, I love 'Jane'. I love that she has put up with me all these years. I love that she will put up with me for the years to come. I love that she is giving it her all down at the Center. So 'Jane', you can do this girl, you got this girl friend, you got this! And... I love my girl!

It taste like poo, baby girl said

Survived another day- booya! I was pretty happy to put the kids to bed. I am starting to understand the relief in 'Jane's psyche when the day is over, hopefully the angels in heaven put another check mark by my name :) I know Jane must have thousands for being a mom each and every day, it is hard work!!!!
The day started out as  normal, and finished as normal. I am getting in the stay at home groove, from my dance moves to my cleaning moves. If 'Jane' were here, I would dance around the house cleaning with nothing but an apron on.... haha. Future generations, that was a joke. Don't blush or get disgusted. I am a trim, muscular, hair on my head, not on my chest 36 year old, not the old guy you see sitting over in the rocking chair snoozing and drooling. That comes down the road a ways.
'Jane' sounded good tonight. I was so excited when the phone rang. She had a busy day, and she was tired. But it sounded like she is doing battle against this ED and making good stride. I had a morning of sitting in my office, working on the computer. My baby girl fell asleep in the gallery on the foot rest, it was so cute, I kick myself for not taking a picture. She slept for an hour or so. She is not feeling good, her throat hurts and she has had an ear ache.  I made her swish some hydrogen peroxide in her mouth and then spit it out. She said it tastes like poo. I asked her how she knew what poo tasted like, she said mom told her. So just so you know 'Jane', your taste experience includes poo. We left to run some errands and she started to feel better and perk up so I did not take her to the doctor, I probably should have cause she crashed when I got home.  We made the rounds to the banks, the tellers love baby girl and the bankers always have her come into her office and pick something out of their treat drawer and then give her a big hug. Baby girl was sad and missing her momma, I had a few minutes so we stopped in and saw 'Jane's' parents for 20 minutes. They were good, they have given me space and we have not spoken since last Tuesday night, so it was good to see them and report on 'Jane's' progress and my sanity. They loved on my baby girl and then we left and  made it home a few minutes after the kids got off the bus. They were all in the kitchen talking about their day with each other and having a snack. It was so cute, they are such good kids. They all did their chores and then I made hashed turnips, steamed vegetables and a T-bone steak that I got for plowing a guys driveway out last week. We had FHE shortly thereafter, and I thought it would be good to tell the kids the story of how me and 'Jane' started dating and fell in love. They were captivated and loved the story. Then I took them into our room and found a old VCR (What is that DVR thing dad?) and we watched one of the wedding videos that was made for us. We were so young. The kids were laughing at grandpas and uncles and cousins. Everyone had a lot more hair back then. It was fun to watch, 'Jane' was so beautiful on our wedding day, she was just glowing and looked amazing. I was not that bad myself :) 'Jane's' sister filmed the brothers and her dad singing and then 'Jane' sang me a song. It was awesome, she has such a sweet angelic voice. The kids all laughed at me because it got tears rolling down my cheeks. It was sweet, loved that day. One of 'Jane's' called me yesterday and we had a good talk. He is worried about her. He is happy that she is getting the help she needs and is amazed at how strong she is to be able to make this decision. Our friends down the road brought over a whole pan of warm home made rolls and home made raspberry jam. They are great, I love that family.
So the kids are now quiet and I get to record some of my thoughts and feelings. Today was an easier day, I was busy most of the day and we never had much time to slow down and think. I was driving to home today and the memories of our trip to Hawaii flooded my mind. It was our first big adventure away from the kids. We were so nervous, we only had the two little squirts back then. My mom was going to watch them and I think 'Jane's' parents took them for a few days also. 'Jane' was pregnant. We were so excited and nervouse to get away, but we had a blast. We ate at the food court, the aquarium restaurant, the sunset cruise and the Polynesian culture center. We walked on the beach at night with our feet in the water, drove across the island, got lost trying to find a flea market and watched 'Jane' flirt with the Tongan workers at the Polynesian center. I loved it. It was the first of many adventures that we have gone on since the kids got old enough to leave for  few days. I have always looked forward to our trips with such excitement. I had my girl all to myself for a few days, selfish I know. When we got married, we were so anxious to have kids. We never really got to know each other outside of the kid stage. I am not complaining, the little chilluns that we were blessed with came at the right time and I will never regret that. We just kind of skipped that beginning part of our life, while our friends were traveling the country selling alarm systems or pest control, or working their way through college, we kind of jumped up to the 30 or 40 year old way of life. I worked really hard when we first got married building houses, and 'Jane' worked really hard while she was pregnant with our first born at the bank. We were always  looking to the next house, or next project, the next loan paid off, the next child, the next business opportunity. I did not stop and realize the great gifts that I had already been given. An amazing young wife who would be willing to give up a career or life outside the home to raise our kids. An amazing wife who would choose to stay home and clean house every day, wipe bums, clean dishes, vacuum and support me while I was out trying to get us to a comfortable spot. That is not common in our day, a lot of women don't want to give that all up. It was never a question in 'Jane's' mind. She had her priorities straight with her children and I knew she cared for them more than anything else. She now tells me that she is going to get a job when baby girl is in school all day, a school lunch marm is what she tells me. Haha, I will go see that hot cafeteria school marm and eat her amazing delicassies every day. I love my girl...

Missed birthday and a $5 shirt

My first Sunday with out 'Jane', it was a little tough getting rolling this morning. My baby girl came up at about 7 this morning complaining about a sore throat. Her breath reeked so I believed her. I gave her a drink and a cough drop and she slept for two more hours, finally kicking me in the back and telling me to wake up. I found the cough drop later stuck to my sheets, too 'spicy' she said. The kids got up and walked the dogs and got dressed by themselves. 'Jane' has done such an amazing job with them. They just know what to do. I had to fix the girls hair a little bit but overall they looked good. I found some elk steak in the freezer and put it in the crock pot, I cut up some potatoes and yams so they were ready when we got home. It was snowing today as we drove to church. My second oldest son gave everyone the talk before we got to the church, 'there is one of him, six of us, so he is outnumbered. be good and he can only hold one at a time on his lap' sometimes I wonder who is parenting who. We walked into church and everyone was very kind to us. One of 'Jane's' friends came over and we chatted for a few minutes. She adores 'Jane' and was willing to do anything to comfort us. They have struggled will mental illness in their family so she can understand to some extent how we are coping. One of the talks was about how we have adversity in life and only Heavenly Father knows why but it will make us stronger if we will endure it. That use to be easy to say. I still believe it but the words now carry a far heavier meaning. I look at it like a curving graph. Our life before Thanksgiving was a curving graph of ups and downs, never too far up, never to far down. The graph has now changed. It took a big dip a month ago and now it is slowly curving up ever so slightly. Every conversation I have with 'Jane'  makes me realize she is trying with all her energies, and that line climbs just a tad bit. The awesome part is that it going to continue to climb. We will have our up days and down days, but it is going to climb up way higher than it has ever been. We have a chance to start over in our marriage, and I love that. That line can climb higher that it has ever been. That is how the Atonement works, when we put our faith in Christ, He can take away the hurt, pain, sorrows and take us to new heights, new happiness. I believe that both 'Jane'  and I will be healed and we will be so happy when that days comes. Life is not going to be all kicks and giggles from here out, but it will be better and I love that.  So church was great, not many people know what is going on but word will spread. I feel like I am in a tough spot, I want to protect 'Jane' but I can't, the truth is the only answer. But everyone has issues, if we all wore our issues on the outside, we would be sad lot. 'Jane' just has to realize that there is no judging going on, just lots of love and prayers that she will get better and come home. We came home and feasted on our Sunday dinner. I was amazed at how good it was, the kids loved it and it was all eaten. We had Italian sodas for dessert and then anxiously awaited the call from our girl. 'Jane' sounded good and chipper tonight. They don't do a whole lot on Sundays but she had a good day. I love watching the kids talk to her, they are so excited and they have huge smiles on their faces. My second older girl is probably the cutest, her voice is so high and cheerful and she is so optimistic. I told her that I loved watching her talk and she told me ' I just make myself sound happy so that it will make mommy happy, I don't want her to be sad'. I love that girl. That is what I imagine 'Jane' was like as a little girl. I let the kids watch a Studio C (They love Studio C!) after 'Jane' called and then we read from Michael Vey for 15 minutes, prayers and then off to bed. The girls have a new ritual before they got to bed, it is called 'dancing in the kitchen'. I scoop one of them up in my arms, sing the song "Family Tree" with customized lyrics for each girl and then swing them around the kitchen. They love it. They look forward to it all day. So we danced and loved and then I tucked them all in. I am worried about all of them. They have been so strong these last couple days but I can see the worry in their eyes, we may have some tears shed in the coming days. I actually hope they do, it would be good for all of us. I think I will plan a really good emotional lesson for FHE tomorrow night. That will get them feeling the Spirit.
So I had a memory come to me last night. It was not a happy memory and I feel bad about it still. I was a little abrupt when we got married, not in touch with my feelings or my wife's feelings. I did not know how to be a husband, to be tender, or caring. I had my dad to base my husbanding off of but that was lacking in so many areas. I love my dad, but he can be a little abrasive a lot of the times. So I came home from work one day, I had been working on our little house all day and we were living in the guest house behind my parents house. (That was a huge mistake in itself!) I was in the shower and 'Jane' was so excited to see me so she was sitting on the toilet ( Lid down:)!)  and we were talking while I was showering. She was so excited to tell me that she bought me a new shirt and it was going to look so good on me. I still remember my reaction and I regret it to this day. I told her that we did not have the money for that and that she should take it back. Right when I said it I knew I was being the biggest jerk. I think she only paid $5 for it. She left the bathroom and she cried. She took the shirt back and I never did wear it. I hurt her feeling over $5. I regret that to this day and have thought about it ever since. Another time, I was busy working and my life was hectic. It was her birthday and I was planning on stopping on the way home from work to get her some presents. My work day ran long and I headed home late. I decided to just do it the next day. I think this was her second birthday since we were married.. I got home and I could tell she was sad, I had not made a big deal about her birthday at all. I don't remember anything else about that night, but I remember waking up and she was not in bed. I walked out into the family room and she was sitting on the couch sobbing. She was heartbroken. I had done nothing for her birthday. I felt terrible. It is not like I did not have any notice that her birthday was not coming, it is on the same day every year. I will never forget how I made her feel that night. It was really important to her and it had not been important to me. I have since changed. I have done better over the years. But the sight of her crying I will never forget, it broke my heart. I hope she will overlook my follies in our first couple years of marriage, or in any years of our marriage, I have not been the greatest husband over the years. It did not mean I didn't love her, I was just selfish and never thought about what she was feeling, just if it was convenient for me. I regret that.
Not to end this entry on a downer, one of my most favorite memories of 'Jane' is our honey moon. What an amazing time of our marriage. Everything was so new for both of us. We were finally married, husband and wife, eternal companions. I was terrible at planning our trip. I put no thought into it, we just went. But I loved being with her. I remember driving back, she was a asleep, were just outside of Vegas, and I looked over at her and she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I remember thinking that I was the luckiest guy in the world that day to have her as my wife. I still feel that way. She is always doing good, always thinking of others before her self. She is so strong in that area, she is just selfless. That is one of the greatest lessons that she has taught me in our marriage, serve others and help others. She has been an example of that her entire life. I was sitting in church today and I was looking around at all the people that she has served, either by taking a meal or cookies, dropping off a note, watching kids, or stopping in for a visit. She is known in our church for the good that she does. She is the most Christlike person I know. I love my girl!