'Jane' wrote me a letter today, it
was so good to hear from her on a personal note. She has not been
much for sharing her feelings with me over the years in a detailed
sort of way so it was amazing to get a letter with some of her
personal thoughts scribed to words. I won't write it out here as it
was long but I will scan it in and include it in my journal. I hope
this is the first of many letters from her. I treasure knowing her
thoughts, dreams, wants, needs and fears. It is a new experience
looking into her mind through the glimpses that she gives me. I hope
it continues.
So 'Jane' thanked me for being be the love of her life. She appreciated these journals entries that I write to her every night. I have tried to give her a glimpse of the real me, the things I think about each day and the thoughts that I ponder. She did write one line in her letter that I am not sure I understand. I am sure it is the ED writing, and I have a difficult time trying to understand what the ED is saying. She said 'I am really loving your journal entries. They are so honest and so raw, and they leave me feeling so blessed and hopeful and like I do not deserve all the kind things you say about me. I am stuck in a conflict. The love of your life, is my worst enemy. I hate her, but I am trying to love her, so I can feel your love, because I sure need it now.' I just can't understand it. It is almost like there are two people that I am dealing with. One I love, one I hate. The first is 'Jane', the second is Anorexia which speaks through 'Jane'. I don't understand how 'Jane' can say that she hates herself. I just cannot grasp that. The 'Jane' I love is the girl that gave me 6 amazing little squirts. The anorexia that I hate gave my little children less patience and less understanding. The 'Jane' that I love traveled on cruise ships with me, tasting all that the world of food had to offer. The anorexia that I hate ate nasty turnips and iceberg lettuce and took diet pills to appease me. The 'Jane' that I love offered to take 'naps' with me on those amazing afternoons when the windows were open and the breeze blew through the room and I held my sweetheart in my arms. The anorexia that I hate was asleep on the far reaches of our king bed, before I could get into bed. The 'Jane' that I love held me tight on a scooter, after we drank from a fresh coconut in Mexico, or raced me down a scary 1000 foot zip line with courage and bravery. The anorexia that I hate did not want to go out because it had deprived its body of muscle that provided warmth to be outside. The 'Jane' that I loved was so friendly to everyone and loved to have people over for karaoke, a meal or just to hang out. The anorexia that I hate was annoyed by most and was anxious around others. I could go on and on. But I think the point is made. 'Jane' lead others to Light, anorexia was leading itself to loneliness and death. Had my wife ever been threatened with death by anyone, I would have done more than threatened back. But when anorexia raised its ugly head and took my wife to the precipice of death, there was nothing I could do but watch, grow angry, grow sad, feel sorrow, grow angry again and then finally feel relief that death had been averted. I can't describe my feeling over the last two months in words, words will not do it justice. It is the saddest thing that I have had to go through. I know that if the tables were turned, and I was the one struggling with a ED, 'Jane' would be feeling the same thing about me. It is human to feel hard, angry emotions, it is Christlike to overcome them. It is human to be sick, it Christlike to overcome it and conquer it, even if the pains never go away. God does not want 'Jane' to struggle with this the rest of her life. God does not want us apart. God does not want 'Jane' away from her kids, and God does not want me so busy surviving life that I have no time for anything else that is good or of service. None of this come from God, but all of the healing will be His gift. He wants us both better and He will provide the way if we will just follow His path. The path is forgiveness, the path is humility, the path is love. The past is the rear view mirror, small with only glimpses of the past. The future is the windshield, open and wide. It is good to have glimpses of the past just like it is good to know what is behind you when your are driving. But what is important is what is in front of you. Where you are going is what matters most. Some people spend there whole life looking in that little mirror, driving in circle after circle. Some people sit in neutral, wasting the precious time of their lives. Other put it in gear, forget the past and drive on, making the journey the joy. I want to be one of those people. We will remember the time when we were apart one day, we will see it as a turning point of our marriage. We will be open with the struggles that we went through with others who find themselves in similar struggles, but we will drive on. Our live is not going to be centered on a ED. Our life is not going to be based on what happened in the past, no, our life is going to move on and drive forward, thankful for the ups, and downs on this highway of life. God has given us greatness, God wants us to share His greatness. When winter looks like it will never end and the cold squeezes out all the warmth of life, then spring comes and new life is given to all. We are just about to spring. And I love spring!!! and .... I love my Girl!
So 'Jane' thanked me for being be the love of her life. She appreciated these journals entries that I write to her every night. I have tried to give her a glimpse of the real me, the things I think about each day and the thoughts that I ponder. She did write one line in her letter that I am not sure I understand. I am sure it is the ED writing, and I have a difficult time trying to understand what the ED is saying. She said 'I am really loving your journal entries. They are so honest and so raw, and they leave me feeling so blessed and hopeful and like I do not deserve all the kind things you say about me. I am stuck in a conflict. The love of your life, is my worst enemy. I hate her, but I am trying to love her, so I can feel your love, because I sure need it now.' I just can't understand it. It is almost like there are two people that I am dealing with. One I love, one I hate. The first is 'Jane', the second is Anorexia which speaks through 'Jane'. I don't understand how 'Jane' can say that she hates herself. I just cannot grasp that. The 'Jane' I love is the girl that gave me 6 amazing little squirts. The anorexia that I hate gave my little children less patience and less understanding. The 'Jane' that I love traveled on cruise ships with me, tasting all that the world of food had to offer. The anorexia that I hate ate nasty turnips and iceberg lettuce and took diet pills to appease me. The 'Jane' that I love offered to take 'naps' with me on those amazing afternoons when the windows were open and the breeze blew through the room and I held my sweetheart in my arms. The anorexia that I hate was asleep on the far reaches of our king bed, before I could get into bed. The 'Jane' that I love held me tight on a scooter, after we drank from a fresh coconut in Mexico, or raced me down a scary 1000 foot zip line with courage and bravery. The anorexia that I hate did not want to go out because it had deprived its body of muscle that provided warmth to be outside. The 'Jane' that I loved was so friendly to everyone and loved to have people over for karaoke, a meal or just to hang out. The anorexia that I hate was annoyed by most and was anxious around others. I could go on and on. But I think the point is made. 'Jane' lead others to Light, anorexia was leading itself to loneliness and death. Had my wife ever been threatened with death by anyone, I would have done more than threatened back. But when anorexia raised its ugly head and took my wife to the precipice of death, there was nothing I could do but watch, grow angry, grow sad, feel sorrow, grow angry again and then finally feel relief that death had been averted. I can't describe my feeling over the last two months in words, words will not do it justice. It is the saddest thing that I have had to go through. I know that if the tables were turned, and I was the one struggling with a ED, 'Jane' would be feeling the same thing about me. It is human to feel hard, angry emotions, it is Christlike to overcome them. It is human to be sick, it Christlike to overcome it and conquer it, even if the pains never go away. God does not want 'Jane' to struggle with this the rest of her life. God does not want us apart. God does not want 'Jane' away from her kids, and God does not want me so busy surviving life that I have no time for anything else that is good or of service. None of this come from God, but all of the healing will be His gift. He wants us both better and He will provide the way if we will just follow His path. The path is forgiveness, the path is humility, the path is love. The past is the rear view mirror, small with only glimpses of the past. The future is the windshield, open and wide. It is good to have glimpses of the past just like it is good to know what is behind you when your are driving. But what is important is what is in front of you. Where you are going is what matters most. Some people spend there whole life looking in that little mirror, driving in circle after circle. Some people sit in neutral, wasting the precious time of their lives. Other put it in gear, forget the past and drive on, making the journey the joy. I want to be one of those people. We will remember the time when we were apart one day, we will see it as a turning point of our marriage. We will be open with the struggles that we went through with others who find themselves in similar struggles, but we will drive on. Our live is not going to be centered on a ED. Our life is not going to be based on what happened in the past, no, our life is going to move on and drive forward, thankful for the ups, and downs on this highway of life. God has given us greatness, God wants us to share His greatness. When winter looks like it will never end and the cold squeezes out all the warmth of life, then spring comes and new life is given to all. We are just about to spring. And I love spring!!! and .... I love my Girl!
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