My first Sunday with out 'Jane', it
was a little tough getting rolling this morning. My baby girl came up at
about 7 this morning complaining about a sore throat. Her breath
reeked so I believed her. I gave her a drink and a cough drop and she
slept for two more hours, finally kicking me in the back and telling
me to wake up. I found the cough drop later stuck to my sheets, too
'spicy' she said. The kids got up and walked the dogs and got dressed
by themselves. 'Jane' has done such an amazing job with them. They
just know what to do. I had to fix the girls hair a little bit but
overall they looked good. I found some elk steak in the freezer and
put it in the crock pot, I cut up some potatoes and yams so they were
ready when we got home. It was snowing today as we drove to church.
My second oldest son gave everyone the talk before we got to the church, 'there is
one of him, six of us, so he is outnumbered. be good and he can only
hold one at a time on his lap' sometimes I wonder who is parenting
who. We walked into church and everyone was very kind to us. One of 'Jane's' friends came over and we chatted for a few minutes. She adores 'Jane'
and was willing to do anything to comfort us. They have struggled
will mental illness in their family so she can understand to some
extent how we are coping. One of the talks was about how we have adversity in life and only Heavenly
Father knows why but it will make us stronger if we will endure it.
That use to be easy to say. I still believe it but the words now
carry a far heavier meaning. I look at it like a curving graph. Our
life before Thanksgiving was a curving graph of ups and downs, never
too far up, never to far down. The graph has now changed. It took a
big dip a month ago and now it is slowly curving up ever so slightly.
Every conversation I have with 'Jane' makes me realize she is trying with
all her energies, and that line climbs just a tad bit. The awesome part
is that it going to continue to climb. We will have our up days and
down days, but it is going to climb up way higher than it has ever
been. We have a chance to start over in our marriage, and I love
that. That line can climb higher that it has ever been. That is how
the Atonement works, when we put our faith in Christ, He can take
away the hurt, pain, sorrows and take us to new heights, new
happiness. I believe that both 'Jane' and I will be healed and we
will be so happy when that days comes. Life is not going to be all
kicks and giggles from here out, but it will be better and I love
that. So church was great, not many people know what is going on but word will
spread. I feel like I am in a tough spot, I want to protect 'Jane'
but I can't, the truth is the only answer. But everyone has issues,
if we all wore our issues on the outside, we would be sad lot. 'Jane'
just has to realize that there is no judging going on, just lots of
love and prayers that she will get better and come home. We came home
and feasted on our Sunday dinner. I was amazed at how good it was,
the kids loved it and it was all eaten. We had Italian sodas for
dessert and then anxiously awaited the call from our girl. 'Jane'
sounded good and chipper tonight. They don't do a whole lot on
Sundays but she had a good day. I love watching the kids talk to her,
they are so excited and they have huge smiles on their faces. My second older girl
is probably the cutest, her voice is so high and cheerful and she is
so optimistic. I told her that I loved watching her talk and she told
me ' I just make myself sound happy so that it will make mommy happy,
I don't want her to be sad'. I love that girl. That is what I imagine
'Jane' was like as a little girl. I let the kids watch a Studio C
(They love Studio C!) after 'Jane' called and then we read from Michael Vey for 15 minutes,
prayers and then off to bed. The girls have a new ritual before they
got to bed, it is called 'dancing in the kitchen'. I scoop one of
them up in my arms, sing the song "Family Tree" with
customized lyrics for each girl and then swing them around the
kitchen. They love it. They look forward to it all day. So we danced
and loved and then I tucked them all in. I am worried about all of
them. They have been so strong these last couple days but I can
see the worry in their eyes, we may have some tears shed in the
coming days. I actually hope they do, it would be good for all of us.
I think I will plan a really good emotional lesson for FHE tomorrow
night. That will get them feeling the Spirit.
So I had a memory
come to me last night. It was not a happy memory and I feel bad about
it still. I was a little abrupt when we got married, not in touch
with my feelings or my wife's feelings. I did not know how to be a
husband, to be tender, or caring. I had my dad to base my husbanding
off of but that was lacking in so many areas. I love my dad, but he
can be a little abrasive a lot of the times. So I came home from work
one day, I had been working on our little house all day and we were
living in the guest house behind my parents house. (That was a huge
mistake in itself!) I was in the shower and 'Jane' was so excited to
see me so she was sitting on the toilet ( Lid down:)!) and we
were talking while I was showering. She was so excited to tell me
that she bought me a new shirt and it was going to look so good on
me. I still remember my reaction and I regret it to this day. I told
her that we did not have the money for that and that she should take
it back. Right when I said it I knew I was being the biggest jerk. I
think she only paid $5 for it. She left the bathroom and she cried.
She took the shirt back and I never did wear it. I hurt her feeling
over $5. I regret that to this day and have thought about it ever
since. Another time, I was busy working and my life was hectic. It
was her birthday and I was planning on stopping on the way home from
work to get her some presents. My work day ran long and I headed home
late. I decided to just do it the next day. I think this was her
second birthday since we were married.. I
got home and I could tell she was sad, I had not made a big deal
about her birthday at all. I don't remember anything else about that
night, but I remember waking up and she was not in bed. I walked out
into the family room and she was sitting on the couch sobbing. She
was heartbroken. I had done nothing for her birthday. I felt
terrible. It is not like I did not have any notice that her birthday
was not coming, it is on the same day every year. I will never forget
how I made her feel that night. It was really important to her and it
had not been important to me. I have since changed. I have done
better over the years. But the sight of her crying I will never
forget, it broke my heart. I hope she will overlook my follies in our
first couple years of marriage, or in any years of our marriage, I
have not been the greatest husband over the years. It did not mean I
didn't love her, I was just selfish and never thought about what she
was feeling, just if it was convenient for me. I regret that.
Not
to end this entry on a downer, one of my most favorite memories of
'Jane' is our honey moon. What an amazing time of our marriage.
Everything was so new for both of us. We were finally married,
husband and wife, eternal companions. I was terrible at planning our
trip. I put no thought into it, we just went. But I loved being with
her. I remember driving back, she was a asleep, were just
outside of Vegas, and I looked over at her and she was the most
beautiful girl in the world. I remember thinking that I was the
luckiest guy in the world that day to have her as my wife. I still
feel that way. She is always doing good, always thinking of others
before her self. She is so strong in that area, she is just selfless.
That is one of the greatest lessons that she has taught me in our
marriage, serve others and help others. She has been an example of
that her entire life. I was sitting in church today and I was
looking around at all the people that she has served, either by
taking a meal or cookies, dropping off a note, watching kids, or
stopping in for a visit. She is known in our church for the good that
she does. She is the most Christlike person I know. I love my
girl!
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