So today was okay. Just a normal day.
Got up, fed the kids waffles. They were on one today. At each others
throats all day. I don't think my oldest daughter said a prayer today even though
it was her day, she was crying every time it was prayer time. At
breakfast, I could not deal with the emotions, so I told everyone to
just say a prayer in their heart and we skipped the out loud prayer.
haha, whatever it takes to get food down in their bellies and out the
door to that big, yellow blessed bus. Man how I love that bus in the
mornings. When it comes down the driveway, I am a happy dad. It is
like manna from heaven. Not because I don't love my kids, it just
means I get a break from the kids for a few hours. Future
generations, don't judge me, I am doing the best I can. So we had
scripture study, got the kids out the door and then cleaned the
house. My baby girl picked out a cute dress, we put a feather head band on
her head and a sweater over her arms and she looked like the classy
little girl that she is. Then she put on the rainbow tights and the
red cow girl boots, and well... she looked very.... Classy :) She is
a unique one. I walked around the corner from the kitchen this
morning and caught her kissing mom on the picture of me and 'Jane'. It was so cute, she was so embarrassed but
it was amazingly cute. One of our friends offered to take her to the library
today and to Subway afterward, it is tradition, and I thought it was
a great idea. I scheduled a massage because my back has been
hurting me. The massage was okay. I now know what 'Jane' means by how
it hurts, the gal found a knot in my calf, neck and back and she
was not done til they were done. It hurt pretty good.. I got a hair cut after
that, went to the grocery store to get a few things including some sushi for
lunch (trying to be a little more healthy, beats a burger, fries, ice
cream and a pop... oh how I love a good Dairy Queen lunch for five
bucks, but so bad for me:( , and ended up at the commercial
building parking lot where me and 'Jane' had our first couples
counseling over the phone. It was good. 'Jane' sounded good but emotional. Her biggest
worry is that I am going to move on and leave her behind. That could
not be any further from how I feel. When we talk on the phone, I
always let her know that everything is good and we are doing fine. It
is not that it is not true, it is just not the truth. It is true that
the kids a dealing with things rather well, it is true that we are
eating and cleaning, it is true that we are living life and
doing our thing. But the truth is that it really stinks that she is
not here and we miss her dearly. The truth is that I cannot wait for
her to come home. The truth is that i am madly in love with her and i
want to hold her in my arms and kiss her. The truth is that i am
extremely lonely during the evenings and I stay up late watching TV
or reading so that I will get so tired that i can sleep. The truth is
that I am good at taking care of the kids physical needs, 'Jane' is
so much better at loving them and filling their emotional, physical,
and loving needs. I am a band aid, she is the cure. I can understand
to a small degree what she is feeling, she is by herself and living a
life separate from us, but I will never move on and leave her behind.
My love for her has grown stronger for her every day that she is
away. I want her back. But, I want her back when she has gotten all
the help that she can get. I could go down and pick her up and bring
her home tonight, but I don't want to. I want her to work through her
ED and get as well as she can and then come back. The short term
sacrifice is worth the long term benefits. We will sacrifice being
apart for a few months so that we can have years of happiness,
love, friendship, health and a closeness that has escaped us over the
past couple of years. It is soooo worth it.
So the counseling was good, 'Jane' told me a few more of her concerns. One was that my dad would be against her being down there when they get home from their trip. I think it will be just the opposite. I think he will realize very quickly that we had no other choice and he will be glad that she is getting the help we need. I can handle my dad, he will understand. Just like I would understand if one of my boys found themselves in my shoes in the future. Dad's have compassion for their kids and their wives, my dad just does not show it like everyone else. We bid adieu and I had to run to the bank, post office ect. One of the teachers from school called me and said my little girl was not feeling well so I went and picked her up. I then went and picked up baby girl. 'Jane's' friend and I had a good talk. She misses 'Jane' a lot. She just wants to talk with her and be with her. I let her know that 'Jane' was doing well and that she sounded good. She has been reading books on ED's so that when 'Jane' gets home, she will have a better understanding of what she has gone through and what she will continue to go through. 'Jane' has no better friend than her, she is what a true friend is and she is so loyal to 'Jane', she would stand with her through hell and back, that I don't doubt. I took the girls home in time to have the kiddos get off the bus. Snacks were had, chores were done, piano was cancelled because the piano teacher was sick. Our amazing neighbors brought us dinner, it was so nice to have that done for us tonight. I needed that. The kids got their jammies on and word spread that there would be a 'family tree' dance in the kitchen so we had three new guests this evening. You should have seen me swing my three older boys around. Haha, they still loved to be loved. They are just a tad bit heavier now. We finished off the evening with some reading and then off to bed. Then I sat down and sighed a huge sigh of relief that once again, the kids are in bed, my wife is getting help, and I am still alive and functioning.
So I made a huge mistake years ago. My brother told me that he found this perfect piece of land that he wanted me to look at and buy with him. We drove out to look at it, and he showed me fifty acres that had just come on the market. I liked it, I thought it was a bit far out but it felt good. I went out again a few days later and as I was walking across the field, I had a distinct impression that this is where I would raise my kids. So being the take charge, in control kind of guy that I am, we put together an offer, signed it and got the owner's to sign it and it was done. The problem is that I did not tell 'Jane' about it until the papers were signed. I came home one night and told her that I found land out in the country and that we were going to build a house and move out there. Not a good decision. I should have included her in the decision making process the whole time. We drove out here on a cold cloudy day. There were wild dogs running around, single wides everywhere, punk kids standing at the canals. She was not happy. I did not give her the opportunity to receive the revelation that I had had. There is no doubt in my mind that she would have not gotten the same prompting, if the Spirit told me that it was the right decision, He would have told her the same thing. She was sad that were going to be coming out here, I think she was more sad that I did not include her. I saw the vision of the amazing place it would become. She did not because I had not shared that with her. Looking back, it was the right move. It is a great place to live. We do drive a bit more, but our kids are having an amazing childhood swimming in the pond, riding motorcycles, having animals, associating with great neighbors and friends, shooting fish in the canals (my favorite!) and just having a fun place to grow up. 'Jane' likes it out here too, I could have made it a better experience for both of us though. It did not have to be that way. So my bad, I feel sorrow for it. I am going to try to include 'Jane' in our decision making more. It is not just my live but our life.
So the counseling was good, 'Jane' told me a few more of her concerns. One was that my dad would be against her being down there when they get home from their trip. I think it will be just the opposite. I think he will realize very quickly that we had no other choice and he will be glad that she is getting the help we need. I can handle my dad, he will understand. Just like I would understand if one of my boys found themselves in my shoes in the future. Dad's have compassion for their kids and their wives, my dad just does not show it like everyone else. We bid adieu and I had to run to the bank, post office ect. One of the teachers from school called me and said my little girl was not feeling well so I went and picked her up. I then went and picked up baby girl. 'Jane's' friend and I had a good talk. She misses 'Jane' a lot. She just wants to talk with her and be with her. I let her know that 'Jane' was doing well and that she sounded good. She has been reading books on ED's so that when 'Jane' gets home, she will have a better understanding of what she has gone through and what she will continue to go through. 'Jane' has no better friend than her, she is what a true friend is and she is so loyal to 'Jane', she would stand with her through hell and back, that I don't doubt. I took the girls home in time to have the kiddos get off the bus. Snacks were had, chores were done, piano was cancelled because the piano teacher was sick. Our amazing neighbors brought us dinner, it was so nice to have that done for us tonight. I needed that. The kids got their jammies on and word spread that there would be a 'family tree' dance in the kitchen so we had three new guests this evening. You should have seen me swing my three older boys around. Haha, they still loved to be loved. They are just a tad bit heavier now. We finished off the evening with some reading and then off to bed. Then I sat down and sighed a huge sigh of relief that once again, the kids are in bed, my wife is getting help, and I am still alive and functioning.
So I made a huge mistake years ago. My brother told me that he found this perfect piece of land that he wanted me to look at and buy with him. We drove out to look at it, and he showed me fifty acres that had just come on the market. I liked it, I thought it was a bit far out but it felt good. I went out again a few days later and as I was walking across the field, I had a distinct impression that this is where I would raise my kids. So being the take charge, in control kind of guy that I am, we put together an offer, signed it and got the owner's to sign it and it was done. The problem is that I did not tell 'Jane' about it until the papers were signed. I came home one night and told her that I found land out in the country and that we were going to build a house and move out there. Not a good decision. I should have included her in the decision making process the whole time. We drove out here on a cold cloudy day. There were wild dogs running around, single wides everywhere, punk kids standing at the canals. She was not happy. I did not give her the opportunity to receive the revelation that I had had. There is no doubt in my mind that she would have not gotten the same prompting, if the Spirit told me that it was the right decision, He would have told her the same thing. She was sad that were going to be coming out here, I think she was more sad that I did not include her. I saw the vision of the amazing place it would become. She did not because I had not shared that with her. Looking back, it was the right move. It is a great place to live. We do drive a bit more, but our kids are having an amazing childhood swimming in the pond, riding motorcycles, having animals, associating with great neighbors and friends, shooting fish in the canals (my favorite!) and just having a fun place to grow up. 'Jane' likes it out here too, I could have made it a better experience for both of us though. It did not have to be that way. So my bad, I feel sorrow for it. I am going to try to include 'Jane' in our decision making more. It is not just my live but our life.
So to end the day, I love 'Jane'. I
love that she has put up with me all these years. I love that
she will put up with me for the years to come. I love that she is
giving it her all down at the Center. So 'Jane', you can do this girl, you
got this girl friend, you got this! And... I love my girl!
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