You will finally see what everyone else sees, that you are beautiful inside and out.

Hello my love, every time I sit down to write this letter I still find it odd that we are in this spot. Who would have thought? But just like it seems it will never end, one day we will be sitting here together, reading some of these emails together and thinking how long ago that was. Keep your chin up, summer days will soon be here and we can do intuitive sleeping and get up when we feel like it. I remember when I first got into the mission field. I was happy to be there but it was so hard. Everyone, from those at home to those in the MTC, to those in the mission field kept telling me how quickly the mission would go by. I fully expected to wake up that first morning and my two years would be over. Instead I woke up, in a freezing cold flat, got up and took a shower in a mildew infested tub, and spent the day in the rain, freezing, talking to people that did not want to talk to me. That first month, I was so home sick. It was not like anything I had ever done before. But time moved on, summer came, and I got into my groove and dealt with my insecurities, my inability to talk to strangers, and I was not able to get over my longing for home, but I was able to cope with being away. I know that what your going through is not a mission, nor is it anything like a mission. But the struggles that we go through in life feel the same. Feeling of inadequacy, thoughts of failure, the ability to cope under the pressures of life. Hard as they are, some how we find ourselves able to get through them, one day at a time. I could not look at the whole two years when I first got out there, it was just too daunting. I could look at the day at hand and the teaching that needed to be done and the appointments that needed to be kept. I managed to find joy in my shortcomings, humor in my mistakes, and love for those who did not have it. It got better, I got better and I became the person that I wanted to be, but not until after I had gone through the hard time. I don't know why I reverted back to my mission on this email, but nevertheless I did. I remember one night in particular, it was in my last area, I was kneeling next to my bed. I was months from coming home, but I felt the strongest desire to pray for my wife. I did not know who she was, what her name was, where she lived. I just knew that I needed to pray for her. And I did. I can't help but to think that you were struggling with something that day and that connection between us already existed. I still feel that sacred connection with you today, just so much stronger. I don't know why you are struggling with this disorder in the way that you are. I wish I could understand it so that I could do and say the things that would give you comfort and strength. I would have been the husband that you needed a long time ago if I would have just known. I don't say this to make you feel guilty or sad, we both had our mountains to climb and our abysses to slog through, but I say this to you now so that you know that I will be the husband that you need from here out. I don't know how I will be it, I don't know what I will be, but I will be the man that you need. We are going to struggle beyond belief in the coming years, it is going to be hard, it will be difficult, but I am going to be in a much better spot to give you the support and comfort that you need. But it is not all bad, it is going to be a year of excitement, a year of understanding, a year of bliss and year of amazement. I will carry you through the abysses if you will run with me over the hills. When this life is over, and all is said and done, the one thing that I am going to carry with me into the yonder eternities, is the relationship with you. My kids will have grown and gone, my wealth and possessions will long ago have melted back into the elements of this world, but I will have you. We will have us. That is what heaven is all about, the ability for 'us' to be together forever, possessing the charity and love that God so freely gives to us. That is it, you and I. So we need to work on us,  love deeper, laugh longer, pull our children together more often, talk sweeter, treat others with more kindness, serve where needed, and pray that God will bless us with attributes that we are in need of. I know that you can overcome this disorder. You have it in you. I don't know how, I don't know how you get rid of the thoughts that counter act my compliments to you. I have no idea. All i know is that you are a daughter of God, that you have a Heavenly Father and Mother who sent you here to earth not to be sad and unhappy, but to learn to love yourself, love who you are, and love how you look. You may not understand that now, you may not see that now, and from our conversation today, you definitely don't hear that now. But just because you don't see it, does not mean it is not true. If you cannot trust yourself, then trust me, like your therapist said. And if you find that difficult, trust your little ones, there is no deceit in them in their relationship with their mom. And if you can't trust them, trust the love that God has shown to you over the years. And if you can't trust those, then it is probably time that you get on your knees and plead with your Heavenly Father to know if you are His. He made no mistake on you. I am sure your ancestors and your descendents weep at the thought that you feel unworthy or insufficient in you looks or personality. I wanted to cry when i heard today what you thought of yourself, because i know the the truth. The memories of how you looked after giving birth to our children is still etched into my mind. You radiated peace, love and determination as you helded those brand new babies in your arms for the first time. I will never forget how beautiful you were to me at that point, having walked to the precipice of pain that i could never imagine, to bring these little ones into our home. I will never forget how you looked when we sat on top of Table Rock, with the mountains behind you, and the wind blowing through you hair. I will never forget how you looked when i would walk into bank and see you standing behind the counter, as my new wife of only a few months. What is more amazing is that even though you are beautiful and graceful on the outside, you are even more beautiful on the inside. You make the veterans happy in our area with treats every year you make for them every Veteran's Day, you take dinners to those who feel promped to help without knowing why, you take a interest in our children's activities that i find boring and insignificant when it means the world to them. These few things, and countless more, are what make you irresistable to me. So to end this letter, i just want to say one more time, that I love you. God made no mistake in you. I hope you will realize one day how good and how courageous you are. I realize it, as do all who know you. Satan wants you to look down, but God wants you to look up. So look up, plead with him in prayer that you, His daughter, might feel His love for you, His support, His kindness and His mercy. He will show it to you, and when you finally feel it, you will finally see what everyone else sees, that you are beautiful inside and out. Cold winter days always precede the warmth of spring. I love you.
And....... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!