Drinking skim milk instead of whole

Another day finished. I look forward to the evenings when the kids are in bed and I come to the realization that I conquered another day without my girl. I can't look forward one, two or three months, I can only look forward to the day ahead of me. It is too daunting to look too far. But I can see the hours ahead, makes it a lot more attainable.

I had an okay day. Started out with getting up late realizing that I was suppose to wake up earlier and put the baked oatmeal in the oven. We managed though, we just did scriptures and prayers first and ate last. The kids were in good spirits this morning, they amaze me. I know they miss 'Jane' but they are just bright and cheerful and do what they need to do. I have not had any breakdowns with any of them since Monday night. They talk about mom all the time, but they are relieved that she is getting the help she needs and not getting any sicker. I got them out the door, and cleaned the kitchen and house. If I don't do that first thing, I don't get it done. I showered and shaved, made the bed for the first time, and checked emails. My baby girl was a doll, we made her bed and cleaned up the house together. She is terrified of going downstairs by herself, scared of everything by herself. Reminds me of her mother haha! She started out with a little bo peep dress but once she found out she had a play date with her little boy friends, she opted for a more playful outfit. One of 'Jane's' friends texted last night and asked if she could have my baby girl for a few hours, I was just going to be at my desk all day so I thought it would be a great idea. I dropped her off and this friend wanted to talk. I was glad she did. I am trying to figure out what is going through 'Jane's' mind a little bit right now and she gave me some insights as to what she might be feeling. All of 'Jane's' friends feel bad, they wish they would have said something to her sooner. I told her that it would not have mattered if they were more upfront, I was married to 'Jane' for almost 14 years and she did not tell me. It had to be her idea and by approaching her about it sooner would have distanced her from them when she needed them most. All her close friends have all expressed remorse that they did not do more. I am humbled that this has affected them so drastically, I know they really love 'Jane'. Dealing with a ED is very confusing, the more you push, the more they pull away. Conversations that were most effective with 'Jane' had to be on her timetable. I know that the timing of all this was perfect, from the insurance, to the availability in the clinic. The conversations that I had with others were at the right time. Any sooner and it would not have worked, any later and 'Jane' would be in the hospital.

 

So I talked to 'Jane's' friend for awhile, she opened up to me about her ED struggles a bit. She was not afraid to correct me on some of my thinking which I was grateful for. I am having a difficult time processing some of my thoughts and opinions as I have no basis to fall back on, I have never been here before. So any opinion I have formed can easily be changed as it is a new opinion. So overall, it was a good conversation, glad she took the time to talk and I came away with a greater understanding of what 'Jane' is probably feeling right now. Kim called me this morning to see if she could help with anything. I was trying to get to walmart to print off some pictures for 'Jane' but is was just not going to happen. I asked her if she would mind and she was thrilled that I would ask. I emailed her some pics and she said she would take care of it. Those are the kinds of things that make me happy, everyone wants to help, no matter what it is.

I spent the afternoon paying bills. As the day progressed, my spirits got lower and lower. My bills were going faster and faster but by the time I was done, I was overwhelmed, disheartened and stressed. I did not know why. I had had a pretty good day, just a overshadowing of dismalality of hanging over me. My baby girl came home right before the kids, we made two big bowls of popcorn and sat around and talked about our days. They were all happy and ready for the weekend. A couple of the kids and I took a walk with the dogs. We had 30 deer out in the field. Beautiful evening, the sun was just setting, the sky was pink, my cute little kids were enjoying the time with their dad. They are worried about me, I can see it in how they look at me and how they watch me. I got invited to a sleep over in the boys room tonight, we will see. I know I will sleep terrible if I am down there. Cute though, very cute. I made tortilla pizzas for dinner and some brussel sprouts and spinach to give me a balanced diet, but mostly cause I did not want them to go bad in the fridge. 

 

One of my friends called and we had a good talk. We talked about how he was surprised that something like this could happen to us. I told him that he should not be surprised, most people have issues, you just don't hear about it very often. He could tell I was frustrated and overwhelmed, we talked and it was good to get some of it out. I am not frustrated at 'Jane' at all. I have no ill feelings towards her. I cry to know that she is in the struggle for her life right now and I cannot be there with her. I am frustrated that this eating disorder did this to her and I could not be part of the struggle over the years. I wonder what struggles that I have that I have not let 'Jane' in on. I will have to think about that one. 'Jane' called and it was great to hear from her. My mood instantly perked up and I felt like those days when we were dating and we talked on the phone a little bit. She never was much of a phone talker, kind of got to the point. She had a good day, but hard day. She felt overwhelmed all day, she initially thought that this would be a six week process, but she is coming to the realization that her disorder is serious and there will not be a quick fix. I am guessing four months. I think I was feeling her overwhelming feelings at the same time. At least we can both understand that feeling! The food is hurting her. They cut the calories in half to try to comfort her but she is struggling. She told me that she was starting to realize the effect that the ED has had on her entire life. She said that it has effected every part of her life. I will be curious to see what she means. I have noticed as I was cleaning the house the last couple days that there are food magazines everywhere! She has hundreds of them. She loves to read about food! I also noticed that she has a lot of exercise magazines too. It must be such a hell to love something so much that you have to suppress it with something you hate, she never did like exercising. I have not got rid of anything yet, the elliptical gives me the evil eye every time I walk by it. It might have to meet my AR-15 one day. But 'Jane's' choice, not mine. But if he so much as threatens me I will take him out:) 'Jane' made the comment that she feels like she has missed out on so much of life. She said ' we have been drinking skim milk when we could have had whole'. I completely understand. Which is funny, I always buy whole milk, she always buys skim, but that is not what she was talking about. I would not say that we had bad marriage, I would say that we have not been having a great marriage. It hit me hard this summer. We were at our friends for a weekend and we had just gotten the kids to bed. We were sitting in the living room with Michelle and Mike walked in, scooped Michelle off the couch into his arms and sat down on the couch holding her like a baby. They flirted with each other for a minute and laughed and then he put her down. I watched and realized that we no longer had that playful flirtatious spirit. I wanted that back so bad at that moment. But it had left a long time ago. I could easily blame it on 'Jane', but that would be unfair. She does not like to be touched but I could have found a way to do it where she would respond, but it was just too hard so I kind of gave up. I want that back. I want have those time where I chase her around the house, her running away from me and we end up on the bed holding each other like we were newly weds. I realize that we have a lot of kids now, and our life has been BUSY! but we are coming into a new time period where we have a lot more time with one another.  I just want to be close to her again, I don't want to feel like we are just friends with occasional benefits sharing kids. I want to be madly in love and have it hard to leave to go to work and be so excited to come home. Real life won't allow that every day, but I want  to find a good balance. There were days I went to work and I wondered why 'Jane' did not like me anymore. That was really hard. I really struggled. But I could have done more, I could have called her more while I was working or sent her an occasional text. I just did not know. I am just now figuring these things out over the last six months, which was probably not the best time to be figuring it out. She was in a dark place. I finally came to a realization  towards the end of summer that is was not about me. Something was wrong and it had nothing to do with me. I did not know it would be to this depth, but I knew something was coming. She told me tonight that she is really trying hard. One thing I know about 'Jane' is that she is stubborn and if she is trying hard, then I know she will be successful. I believe in her, I can't wait to see her in a few weeks.

One of my happy memories of 'Jane' was when we were dating. I wanted to go for a evening walk. Were out in the country and the moon was out. We had been dating a month or so. She got all bundled up and we went north down the road from her house. She was so beautiful. I could not believe that we were dating and I had a real girlfriend, first time in my life! I remember walking with her, holding hands and we were talking about our day and we went about a half mile and stopped and kissed for a few minutes, then we turned around and walked back. I love that moment with her. She was my girl right then I loved that stroll. I don't remember the specific of what we talked about, but I still can remember how I felt about her that night. I was in love. And I still am.... love my girl.