Death

 

Last Sunday morning, 'Jane' was up before the rest of us reading her scriptures. As she was sitting there, the Spirit whispered to her that we needed to go down and visit my grandma that evening. So after church, we loaded up the kids and drove down to town, to visit her. My Aunt was in the room as we walked in. My grandma looked good, swollen but healthy. We sat and chatted with her for a bit and then we went downstairs to the piano room so the kids could play some songs for her. We had a nice visit. I could tell that she had lost her mind more, she was complaining to me that her husband had taken away her car and she wanted it back but he would not give it to her. Her husband has been dead for a few years. We told her goodbye, she kissed us and hugged us. As I was sitting on the couch, the thought came to be that this would be the last time I saw her in this life. We left and the next morning, 'Jane' went down with our baby girl and they bought a little Christmas tree and some decorations to decorate her apartment. 'Jane' left in the late morning and I was sitting at my parent's house chatting when they got the call that she was not doing well. She died the next day. I was grateful for 'Jane' being receptive to the prompting, as I am glad that we got to visit one last time before she left this mortality.

Last night we had a family dinner and memorial service at my parents house. It was fun to hear all the memories from her kids and grand kids. But in all honesty, it was sad. There were a lot of pictures of Grandpa and her together as a young couple. The biggest sorrow in the whole story is what could have been. Rather than sitting around with  30 family members or so, we could have been sitting around with hundreds of family members, friends and aquaintences. But that is not what she had in her life. Very few friends and estranged family members. I wish grandma's life history was recorded somewhere but she never wanted to talk about her past. From what I know, her mother died when she was a baby. Her father tried to take care of her but was an alcoholic and he eventually left her in care of the state where she was transferred from foster home to foster home. She was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused. During her teenage years, she was taken in by Grandpa's family, his sisters had become friends with Grandma and they let her come live with them. Over time they fell in love and were married, later on sealed in the temple. They had four kids. My dad recounts as a little boy that his mother liked to talk to other men, and was flirtatious. When my dad was 16, his parents pulled him into a bedroom and told him that they were getting divorced and that he and his brother would live with grandpa and the sisters would go with grandma. My dad has never spoken of this before, he is very emotional about it. At this time, they were living in Seattle and from that time on, the family was broken into two. A few years back, Grandpa pulled me aside and wanted to talk to me. I was involved with a business partner on a land development project. Grandpa told me of a time when he had quit his job and had started a construction business with a partner. They had a small building that they were using as an office and they had two separate offices. One day the phone rang and grandpa picked up, only to have his partner pick up the phone first and start conversing with the woman on the line. Grandpa stayed on the line and listened to the conversation, as he quickly realized that the woman on the other line was his wife. Grandpa told me that it became evident from the beginning of the conversation that there was an affair going on. Grandpa was devastated. His purpose in telling me this story was to convince me to not go into business with dishonest men. Though that was a valid point, my heart ached for grandpa, realizing the great sadness that must have entered his life. My brother told a story last night, and I vaguely remember hearing it before, not sure from Grandpa or my brother, but at this time, Grandpa got a job on a high rise building or tall bridge. He told of how he would walk the beams without any ropes, not caring if he fell or not, his life did not matter to him anymore. So they separated and both took two children and went their separate ways. Grandpa quickly met a new gal who was raising a little boy on her own, and they were engaged six months after the separation. My aunt told us last night Grandma had decided that she had made a huge mistake. She gathered the girls up and was going to go find grandpa and try to get back together, but before they left, she got the mail and grandpa had sent a wedding announcement and was engaged. Grandma was devastated. She realized the magnitude of her mistakes and had lived with that regret her whole life. I think that grandpa never got over her completely. He was heart broken and he would always tell me and my brother to go and visit our grandma and to take care of her. Even in her last months of life, money depleted and needing care, grandpa helped pay for her apartment and care givers.

I guess I could cast judgment on grandma. But I think she did that to herself over the years, I think she regretted her mistakes up until the day she died. It could have been so different. But the choices she made as a young mother and wife were never able to be reversed in full. That is hell in itself, knowing what she could have had but giving it up and never being able to have it back. So with sorrow I say goodbye to my grandma, grateful that Savior of the world is merciful judge. I cannot cast a judgment onto her, I have my own issues that take all my judgement casting time. Grandma was great though, she cared for us, loved us, and took care of us growing up. The Lord will take into account her sufferings as a youth and will give her a judgement of mercy.

 I know that all of us will one day stand before judgment seat of God and realize how sinful we were. All have fallen short and all rely on mercy to overcome the justice of our sins. When we realize the full magnitude of the mistakes of our lives, we will look around and then the full magnitude of the Atonement will come into focus, as the Savior of the world, even Jesus Christ will step forward and extend his merciful grace onto us and welcome us into his kingdom. It is amazing how a person cannot comprehend the graces of God until we are in a time of need. We don't have a full appreciation for warm sunshine and green grass until we spend some time on frozen ground with the wind howling around us. Or we don't realize how good our life is until the trials come and it appears that there is no limit to the sorry we are experiencing. I didn't realize how grateful I was for the resurrection until we went to the funeral of 'Jane's' cousin's little boy that fell out of the back of a truck and died instantly. As we stood by the grave and I saw a husband and wife, two little boys a little sister all huddled there in the wind, looking into a hole in the ground where they would soon place the coffin of a son and a brother, then the full ramifications of the how great the resurrection came into my mind a little clearer. This week, a family in our stake, had their 18 year daughter die unexpectedly after having a seizure. Once again, the power of the resurrection and the importance of it is witnessed to me again. Now when I see the struggles that 'Jane' is going through, I realize how tender the mercies are of a loving Heavenly Father are, He will heal, He will help, and He will save. The Atonement is real, and one day I will look into the eyes of my Savior, and He will see the pleading in mine, and he will save me in the truest sense. And I will be forever indebted to him, and will worship him as the Savior that he is. I had a good week, 'Jane' and I had some good talks. I am trying to understand her more. I am trying to be kinder. I realize that I am not in control, and that is difficult for me.

My brothers and I went snowmobiling on Friday. As I stood on top of the mountain overlooking the whole area, the thought came to me that everything was going to be okay. I wish I knew what okay was, because I have a vivid imagination and there is always an okay in the long run, it is those short term crisis that I worry about. I know that God will watch over me, I know that whatever turn my life takes I will be able to stand up to it. I know that I am not in control of the big picture but am at the mercy of God, and the frailties of life. I will be who He wants me to be when He wants me to be it. That is a hard statement to make, because the ramifications can be lonely and sad, but they will also always be glorious and amazing in the end.

So now I am rambling, never thought I would a be rambling journal writer. But is helps me to feel better when I write things down, it is almost as if my frustrations and disappointments are left on the pages when I am done and I get to start fresh again.