So 'Jane' and I had a heart to heart
conversation the other night. She is not one to share her feelings so
it was a first in our marriage to discuss issues of emotion and
mental health. She acknowledged to me that she has a eating disorder
and has had it ever since she was a little girl. I had know idea. It
caught me off guard and I am still trying to process it in my head.
She has been losing weight these past few months, and I figured it
was because everything she ate was making her sick, not because she
was suffering through a mental illness. We talked and cried for any
hour. I feel like I am a terrible husband. I just did not know, you
would think that after 14 years of knowing someone, especially my
wife, that I would know or figure out these things. It took my brother
having a heart to heart with me in the mountains, telling me that my
wife was not well and she probably had a eating disorder for me to
realize and acknowledge it. I am sad about it for a few reasons. I am
sad that she could not confide in me as her husband, making me aware of
what she has been facing all these years. I should have been there for her, a long time
ago. I am not mad about this, and if there is any forgiveness needed
from me, it is done, had I been in her shoes, I would not wanted
anyone to know that I was struggling. I am more sad and fearful where
the story goes from here. When we were married, we covenanted with
God, and each other, and began a life with one another. We become
one. There are no room for secrets. Sure, I have made mistakes in the
past that I am not proud of and have not mentioned to anyone, but
everyone has. But they don't affect me on a daily basis. They are
over and repented for. But now, as a married couple, we walk the path
of our lives together. What I do, directly affects 'Jane' and the
kids, and what she does, directly affects me and the kids. But what I
have found over the past years, is that we have a wedge that has come
between us. I never knew what it was, we never talked about it. It
just happened. I could feel it and I am sure 'Jane' could feel it as
well. We are still in love, but we have not had the emotional
connection that we enjoyed in our newly wed years. I realize that the
daily commotion of life has a wear on relationships, we are not the
same people now that we were 14 years ago, we now have plethora of
children around us, constantly requiring food, attention and time.
But I do miss what we use to have. I see that we have come to a fork
in this road of life. There are two paths, one where 'Jane' cannot
overcome her anorexia and she continues to lose weight and her health
starts to fail worse than it is. This course leads to hospitals,
counseling and drugs, and can eventually lead to her dying at a early
age. It leaves a path of children who don't understand, and a husband
who sees a wife that has chosen starvation over him and their
children. This path gets even more sorrowful as at some point I have
to put the welfare of my children over the welfare of my wife, in
which I am forced to go down a separate path of that of 'Jane'. The
other path is were 'Jane' fights through this and makes the difficult
decisions that puts her life and body back into order. This a path
were we walk together the whole way and we support each other as a
family and as a couple and get back to a point where we are both made
whole again. It is not easy, 20 years of struggling with a mental
illness does not get corrected over night. It takes a lifetime of
struggling and correcting. This is what I want. I suppose there is a
third path, that where 'Jane' is miraculously healed and becomes
better right now, but I don't think that is an option in this case.
We reap what we sow, or what has been sown. The reasoning behind what
has gotten her into this situation does not matter to me, there is
always blame to be cast and accusations to be made. But in the end,
we are human, we do and say stupid things, not realizing the long
lasting
ramifications that will be had. I don't
think any less of 'Jane', in fact, I love her more, knowing that she
has been strong and struggled through this all these years. I am
sorrowful that she did not include me in her struggles, as I am sure
she would be sorrowful had our roles been reversed. Maybe I am
overreacting. Maybe it is not as big of deal as I am making it out to
be. I just have never planned on going through this, so it has
blindsided me these last couple of days. I have planned for
everything imaginable. I have two years supply of food, money and
fuel. I run through my mind weekly what I would do if the economy were to fail, what I would do, how would I support our family and how would I react.
I have planned for a day where we no longer had work, where I die
early and leave a widow, or if my health renders me unable to work. I
have planned for all of these worst case scenarios. But I never
planned nor gave thought to this. It is completely out of my control,
I can support 'Jane' and give her the resources she needs, but I
cannot make the decisions for her. And I truly believe they are
decisions. I have taught numerous times over the years, from the
pulpit and in our classes, of the heartbreaking effect of addictions.
I think this is an addiction, not an addiction to a substance or to a
activity like viewing pornography, but an addiction to counting
calories, standing on the scale, taking diet pills, and exercising.
At some point, the choice was made to do these things. I don't judge
her for getting to that point, not my judgement to make. But I am not
blind, I see where those decisions that she is making will lead. I
started out sad, then I woke the other morning, mad. I was mad that
this had happened, I was mad that 'Jane' did not tell me what she was
going through. Mad that I had no control over any of it. I was
watching the kids that morning and I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably
for five minutes. When that was over, I was not mad any more. And I
don't want to be mad, I want 'Jane' to make the decisions that need
to be made to be healthy and happy again. I want to be best friends
again, share everything with each other and enjoy this life we have
made together. I want to grow old together and see our kids go on
missions and get married, and have grand babies. I want to enjoy traveling and being with friends. So now
I just wait, see what happens and pray for the best.
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