My wife is dying...

 

A new year, new challenges, new blessings. I am emotional this morning. 'Jane' is not well. I wish that I could write that she has improved but I cannot. She has gotten worse. We went to the doctor the other day in town for a check up and it was heart breaking. The blood pressure cuff could not get a reading as it was too large, they had to put a child cuff on her. Her weight was 84 pounds and she is 5'8". It took the nurse 20 minutes to draw a small amount of blood, her veins were just too small. My wife is dying. I sat in the small room in tears, there is nothing I can do. This is the saddest time of my life. I can do nothing for her other than to hold her and talk to here when she wants to talk. Tomorrow morning she has a phone interview with a counselor at the Center, they are going to assess her current condition. I am in the process of getting new insurance turned on. If the insurance can get turned on tomorrow and if it will pay for a majority of the care, I will take her down on Tuesday to the Center and I will drop her off. It will be months before she returns home. I will be here with the kids and will go down there as much as I can. This is the last chance to get things turned around. I don't know how we got here. I just don't have any other options anymore. It is either do this or bury her in the coming months. I asked Dr. what the outcome would be if I did not take her down to the Center, he said that it was a 50/50 chance whether or not she would be a alive a few months. Not good odds. I have come to terms with this emotionally I think. I am not mad. I am not angry. I am extremely heartbroken. I realize the magnitude of the decisions that we will both be making in the coming days and weeks. My life is going to, or I should say, has changed forever this past month. It will never be the same. I told 'Jane' a few weeks ago that I had a feeling that on the graph of life, I was about ready to mark a new point. A pivotal point in our live that would change us forever. That point is coming. I just don't know what it is yet. It is either a point of hope, life continues on, or a point of death and I continue on as a single dad with six little children to care for. I have had no confirmations on either, just that in the eternal scheme of things, everything will work out. That is a tough thought to swallow. I can neither change nor influence either outcome. I am a bystander watching the fate of my wife on the sidelines as she fights the battles in her head on her own. I love her so much. I cannot express that enough to her. But after all the words are spoken, she is left to herself and I can only pray that God will comfort and strengthen her. We are fasting as a family today for her. We should know Monday or Tuesday as what will happen next. Dr. wanted her to go the hospital and get some IV's running. I am afraid that a trip to the hospital is in our near future if I cannot get her into the facility in ...... at the beginning of the week. My brother has been a great help to me. He came over the other night and had a frank conversation with 'Jane'.  I feel like a downtrodden man. Everything I thought or planned is now gone, we are faced with challenges that only other people go through, not us. It is here, at our door. And the consequences of a wrong decision could have eternal consequences. I don't know how the kids are going to react. I can only imagine the confusion and the sympathy for their mom that will go through there fragile minds in the coming days, weeks and months. I pray the Lord will give me a resolve to be able to do whatever is required of me in the coming days ahead. This will be the most difficult period of my life up to this point. I hope that I have built a strong enough reservoir of fortitude to get me through the struggles ahead.