It is 1:15am. I am tired. I just got
home from visiting my wife for the first time since she left us, we left at 5 am. It was a long day. My head is
swimming with thoughts and feelings that have been swirling in my
head for the last 12 hours. I realize that I need to sit down and
write it out, sometimes it is the only way I can understand my emotions.
We got up this morning at 5 am. I made baked oatmeal last night and put it in the fridge so it would be an easy breakfast. I got up first, showered and shaved then went down and woke up each of the kids. It was fun waking them up, they slowly opened their eyes and then I said, 'Let's go see mom.' and their eyes got huge and they jumped out of bed. They really wanted to see her and hold her. We got up, and ate breakfast together and were able to be on the road by 6:45. Our journey was pretty uneventful, except at one point of the journey we hit freezing rain and black ice. I was doing 80 mph and saw police lights up ahead a few miles. I hit the brakes to test the pavement and it was a sheet of ice. I am glad I tested it then and not when I had to stop. We slowed down and watched wreck after wreck go by, from rolled minivans to toppled, burned out semi trucks. It was sobering to see how quickly a trip down the highway can end in tragedy. We went slow and careful until the roads cleared up. The kids did pretty good, and we made it to the Center at 11 am. The kids were starving but I asked them if they would rather eat lunch or go see mom first and they all chose to see mom first. We got to the center and we walked in the family room. I was not sure what to expect, I usually get nervous at the unknown. I was excited to see my girl, I was just no sure how it would all work out. The kids were in front of me as we walked into the center, Jane came walking around the corner and she was so excited to see the kids. That moment right there made the 9 hours of driving today worth it. She had a huge smile on her face and she gave a huge hug to each one of the kids and me. She then introduced us to each of her friends, me and my youngest son were squirming, we just felt uncomfortable. I was not sure what to say, or do, so I just smiled at let them goggle over the kids for a minute. We then went into one of the small family rooms and we visited for 45 minutes. It was so good to see Jane, I have missed her so much. The kids were excited to tell her everything... and they did. We watched some home movies that we had made and then we had to leave so Jane could go eat lunch. We went to get lunch across the street and ate hamburgers and fries. I would have cringed at taking all the kids to lunch by myself a few months ago, now it seems normal. Just organized chaos. I ordered food four times before everyone was finally filled. The last thing I wanted was kids asking for snacks in front of ED girls at the center :) We went back to the center and Jane was done with lunch and waiting for us. We spent the next two hours playing games and just talking. I enjoyed our time together again. My emotions were mixed. I was happy to be there but I was kind of quiet, from being tired and from the somber scene i was watching unfold. Jane was glad that we were there. She showed us what she had been working on and I was able to go through her notebooks and see some of her notes and understand a little bit better as to what she is going through. The kids started getting restless around three o'clock, so we thought it would be best to leave. Jane gave all the kids and myself hugs and then we left and went to the park down the street so the kids could run some energy off. I promised them a visit to a fun park so we went and the kids got to climb the rock wall, bounce up and down on the leaping frog, and shoot each other in Laser Tag. It was fun, I was tired so I probably was a bit of a downer. I invited some friends to come with us and it was good to hang out with them a little bit. They invited us over for dinner so we went to their house afterwards. The kids were getting on my nerves by the time we got to their house. They were hungry and arguing about everything. I cringed and complained in my heart of hearts that I still had to drive four hours home. I was dreading it. We had a nice dinner, sloppy joes and French fries. We finally got on the road about 9 pm. I knew the kids were tired but i did not know they were REALLY tired. They were all asleep within 30 minutes and they slept the whole way home. I was so happy that we did not have any meltdowns on the way home. I will count that as a tender mercy from God, my patience tank was bumping empty so i needed a nice quiet drive to ponder on our day and on my wife. We got home just before 1 am, the boys went out to feed the dogs, i went out to feed the horses and ten minutes later everyone was in bed and asleep. Long day, glad we did it. It was worth it and it was so good to see Jane.
I was happy to see Jane. It was tough at the same time. I have been analyzing why in my mind for the last 12 hours and i am still not certain why. I have missed her so much. I miss her here with me. I miss spending time with her. To pass the evenings, i have spent a lot of time watching old home movies and looking at pictures from over the years. Not seeing her for the last 18 days has been hard, we have never been apart this long. I think that as i was looking at all of these pictures and watching the movies, her current physical condition had somewhat disappeared from my mind. I had forgotten how thin she was when i dropped her off because i have been looking at the pictures of her healthy for the last two weeks. When i walked into the center, and she came around the corner, she was very thin and underweight, just like when i had dropped her off. It caught be by surprise again. Feelings of anger came over me and i was mad at her ED again, just like before she left. I did not want to be mad, but when i saw what it had a done to her body over the last 6 months, i had a conflict of emotions raging in my head. I want her to be healthy again so bad. It was good to sit and talk to her and hold her, but it is just not real to me. We were in a 8'x8' room, with a big observation window and nurses are watching us constantly. Before i could give Jane and envelope with pictures and cards the kids had made, they had to go through it and make sure there was nothing harmful in the package. The more i analyzed the situation, the more the emotions i was having intensified. I was not mad at Jane, she gave me a copy of a autobiography that she wrote and i just got done reading it. After reading it, it was again confirmed to me that she did nothing to bring this on herself. I know i have been referring to the ED as the culprit these last couple of days, but in my spiritual reality, ED is a product of Satan. And he is laughing right now. He has got us in a sad spot. The Jane and I who have 6 amazing kids and were the model family, always striving to be good parents, are now separated and we have to visit our wife/mom who is locked in a prison camoflagued as a hospital. I can just see the celebratory gnashing of teeth that is taking place. We could easily fall of this precipice and drown in the mire of sin and sorrow. As i was driving home, i realized that this will be one of the most difficult tests of our personal life and married life. I think this is the fulfillment of the scriptures. The Lord promises his followers that we will be 'tried, even as Abraham'. That is a huge promise, Abraham was asked to sacrifice his only son. He put his everything on the altar. I can't imagine putting my son on an altar and raising a knife above my head to kill him, but that is what the Lord commanded Abraham to do. In a way, Jane and i are at that point right now. We are being asked to do the nearly impossible. Hers is to overcome a terrible addiction and mental disorder, which i know she has struggled with ever since she was young. I am being asked to show patience and understanding and to do the nearly impossible task of doing everything, even when i feel like i can't. This is our moment where we decide who we are going to become for the rest of our lives. It is a pivotal point of our lives, as important as the day we were married and committed ourselves to each other. The decisions that we are both making are going to have an eternal effect on our children, for the good, or the bad. Satan has been working on me like crazy. I am being tempted everyday. I hate it. I am mad about it and it is easy for me to think that this is Jane's fault, even though i know it is not true. Satan wants to pit me against my wife and having hundreds of miles in between us is the easiest way to do it. He laughs at our tears and our sorrows. He laughs at the confusion in our kids minds. He rejoices to see us doubt and question the process. He thinks he is going to win us. He thinks he is going to capture the health of our daughters one day, just like he did their moms'. He thinks he can tempt me out of the promises that i have made to Jane. I think this is part of the reason i have felt so inspired to write these long journal entries to Jane. It is building a strong wall of defiance against Satan around our marriage. Every night i go to bed with a new sense of courage and resolve, and happy memories of a loving wife. I need that more than ever right now. He will not get me. If he gets me, he takes a whole family too. I will not allow it. He may laugh now, but his laughing is going to soon become groans as he see us become stronger than ever. He has no idea what he just made. We will be stronger individuals, better parents, a madly in love couple, and have children who know what it is like to have one of their most precious gifts taken away from them for awhile. We will be stronger than before. We will be able to talk of the love of Christ with a new sense of knowledge and finality. We will be able to testify of the healing affects of the Christ's love like never before, as we have experienced a hell and been healed from its effects. We will be able to help others struggling with similar issues and be able to show understanding and empathy towards them, as we have been in their shoes and know the pains they are experiencing. Satan laughs now, but it is short lived. The strength in the promises that we made to God and each other are powerful, and i know that we have angels surrounding us to keep us lifted up. There is just too much riding on this situation not to have their help. So in writing this tonight, i am not angry anymore. I feel loved by my Heavenly Father and i know that He is watching over me as never before. I feel overwhelmed and saddened, but i know that we will get through this. I am saddened at the sight of my best friend and lover again, and a renewed sense of the enormity of the battle she is waging is fresh on my mind. She is in the fight of her life against her cottage cheese and pie. Only Satan could hinge a eternal destiny on a small morsel of food. That is why he is the great deceiver. He can gain souls from the simplest of things, even food. I know Jane can get through this. I know i can get through it. I got through today. I will get through tomorrow and the next day will be their waiting for me to conquer as well. Though i don't see the 'heavenly' angels around me, i do see the everyday angels all around me, serving us, feeding us, calling to check up on us, watching little ones, and praying for us. We are surrounded by some of the best people in the world, it is no mistake that we live where we live. I like to think that God had me move to this area in preparation for this moment, because we are surrounded by 'angels' who love us. He knows what is in our futures, He prepare us for it. So i could write letters to ED tonight and tell him how much i hate him, but the satisfaction is short lived. I find more peace in thanking God for the gifts that He so freely has given me and that i know He will continue to give me. I know He wants us better, He will get us there. In the process, we are going to gain a education and understanding that cannot be gained in any other way. Though we are angry and sad about it now, we will one day thank the Lord for the understanding, compassion and faith that we gained from it. I know there is a God, Jesus died for me for the purpose of helping me to find peace in this life and the life to come. I have been blessed beyond my abilities. I married my best friend and I love her so much, we have the best kids in the world and we live in the place that God wanted us to live. What more could i ask for? I am a blessed man. And... I love my girl!
We got up this morning at 5 am. I made baked oatmeal last night and put it in the fridge so it would be an easy breakfast. I got up first, showered and shaved then went down and woke up each of the kids. It was fun waking them up, they slowly opened their eyes and then I said, 'Let's go see mom.' and their eyes got huge and they jumped out of bed. They really wanted to see her and hold her. We got up, and ate breakfast together and were able to be on the road by 6:45. Our journey was pretty uneventful, except at one point of the journey we hit freezing rain and black ice. I was doing 80 mph and saw police lights up ahead a few miles. I hit the brakes to test the pavement and it was a sheet of ice. I am glad I tested it then and not when I had to stop. We slowed down and watched wreck after wreck go by, from rolled minivans to toppled, burned out semi trucks. It was sobering to see how quickly a trip down the highway can end in tragedy. We went slow and careful until the roads cleared up. The kids did pretty good, and we made it to the Center at 11 am. The kids were starving but I asked them if they would rather eat lunch or go see mom first and they all chose to see mom first. We got to the center and we walked in the family room. I was not sure what to expect, I usually get nervous at the unknown. I was excited to see my girl, I was just no sure how it would all work out. The kids were in front of me as we walked into the center, Jane came walking around the corner and she was so excited to see the kids. That moment right there made the 9 hours of driving today worth it. She had a huge smile on her face and she gave a huge hug to each one of the kids and me. She then introduced us to each of her friends, me and my youngest son were squirming, we just felt uncomfortable. I was not sure what to say, or do, so I just smiled at let them goggle over the kids for a minute. We then went into one of the small family rooms and we visited for 45 minutes. It was so good to see Jane, I have missed her so much. The kids were excited to tell her everything... and they did. We watched some home movies that we had made and then we had to leave so Jane could go eat lunch. We went to get lunch across the street and ate hamburgers and fries. I would have cringed at taking all the kids to lunch by myself a few months ago, now it seems normal. Just organized chaos. I ordered food four times before everyone was finally filled. The last thing I wanted was kids asking for snacks in front of ED girls at the center :) We went back to the center and Jane was done with lunch and waiting for us. We spent the next two hours playing games and just talking. I enjoyed our time together again. My emotions were mixed. I was happy to be there but I was kind of quiet, from being tired and from the somber scene i was watching unfold. Jane was glad that we were there. She showed us what she had been working on and I was able to go through her notebooks and see some of her notes and understand a little bit better as to what she is going through. The kids started getting restless around three o'clock, so we thought it would be best to leave. Jane gave all the kids and myself hugs and then we left and went to the park down the street so the kids could run some energy off. I promised them a visit to a fun park so we went and the kids got to climb the rock wall, bounce up and down on the leaping frog, and shoot each other in Laser Tag. It was fun, I was tired so I probably was a bit of a downer. I invited some friends to come with us and it was good to hang out with them a little bit. They invited us over for dinner so we went to their house afterwards. The kids were getting on my nerves by the time we got to their house. They were hungry and arguing about everything. I cringed and complained in my heart of hearts that I still had to drive four hours home. I was dreading it. We had a nice dinner, sloppy joes and French fries. We finally got on the road about 9 pm. I knew the kids were tired but i did not know they were REALLY tired. They were all asleep within 30 minutes and they slept the whole way home. I was so happy that we did not have any meltdowns on the way home. I will count that as a tender mercy from God, my patience tank was bumping empty so i needed a nice quiet drive to ponder on our day and on my wife. We got home just before 1 am, the boys went out to feed the dogs, i went out to feed the horses and ten minutes later everyone was in bed and asleep. Long day, glad we did it. It was worth it and it was so good to see Jane.
I was happy to see Jane. It was tough at the same time. I have been analyzing why in my mind for the last 12 hours and i am still not certain why. I have missed her so much. I miss her here with me. I miss spending time with her. To pass the evenings, i have spent a lot of time watching old home movies and looking at pictures from over the years. Not seeing her for the last 18 days has been hard, we have never been apart this long. I think that as i was looking at all of these pictures and watching the movies, her current physical condition had somewhat disappeared from my mind. I had forgotten how thin she was when i dropped her off because i have been looking at the pictures of her healthy for the last two weeks. When i walked into the center, and she came around the corner, she was very thin and underweight, just like when i had dropped her off. It caught be by surprise again. Feelings of anger came over me and i was mad at her ED again, just like before she left. I did not want to be mad, but when i saw what it had a done to her body over the last 6 months, i had a conflict of emotions raging in my head. I want her to be healthy again so bad. It was good to sit and talk to her and hold her, but it is just not real to me. We were in a 8'x8' room, with a big observation window and nurses are watching us constantly. Before i could give Jane and envelope with pictures and cards the kids had made, they had to go through it and make sure there was nothing harmful in the package. The more i analyzed the situation, the more the emotions i was having intensified. I was not mad at Jane, she gave me a copy of a autobiography that she wrote and i just got done reading it. After reading it, it was again confirmed to me that she did nothing to bring this on herself. I know i have been referring to the ED as the culprit these last couple of days, but in my spiritual reality, ED is a product of Satan. And he is laughing right now. He has got us in a sad spot. The Jane and I who have 6 amazing kids and were the model family, always striving to be good parents, are now separated and we have to visit our wife/mom who is locked in a prison camoflagued as a hospital. I can just see the celebratory gnashing of teeth that is taking place. We could easily fall of this precipice and drown in the mire of sin and sorrow. As i was driving home, i realized that this will be one of the most difficult tests of our personal life and married life. I think this is the fulfillment of the scriptures. The Lord promises his followers that we will be 'tried, even as Abraham'. That is a huge promise, Abraham was asked to sacrifice his only son. He put his everything on the altar. I can't imagine putting my son on an altar and raising a knife above my head to kill him, but that is what the Lord commanded Abraham to do. In a way, Jane and i are at that point right now. We are being asked to do the nearly impossible. Hers is to overcome a terrible addiction and mental disorder, which i know she has struggled with ever since she was young. I am being asked to show patience and understanding and to do the nearly impossible task of doing everything, even when i feel like i can't. This is our moment where we decide who we are going to become for the rest of our lives. It is a pivotal point of our lives, as important as the day we were married and committed ourselves to each other. The decisions that we are both making are going to have an eternal effect on our children, for the good, or the bad. Satan has been working on me like crazy. I am being tempted everyday. I hate it. I am mad about it and it is easy for me to think that this is Jane's fault, even though i know it is not true. Satan wants to pit me against my wife and having hundreds of miles in between us is the easiest way to do it. He laughs at our tears and our sorrows. He laughs at the confusion in our kids minds. He rejoices to see us doubt and question the process. He thinks he is going to win us. He thinks he is going to capture the health of our daughters one day, just like he did their moms'. He thinks he can tempt me out of the promises that i have made to Jane. I think this is part of the reason i have felt so inspired to write these long journal entries to Jane. It is building a strong wall of defiance against Satan around our marriage. Every night i go to bed with a new sense of courage and resolve, and happy memories of a loving wife. I need that more than ever right now. He will not get me. If he gets me, he takes a whole family too. I will not allow it. He may laugh now, but his laughing is going to soon become groans as he see us become stronger than ever. He has no idea what he just made. We will be stronger individuals, better parents, a madly in love couple, and have children who know what it is like to have one of their most precious gifts taken away from them for awhile. We will be stronger than before. We will be able to talk of the love of Christ with a new sense of knowledge and finality. We will be able to testify of the healing affects of the Christ's love like never before, as we have experienced a hell and been healed from its effects. We will be able to help others struggling with similar issues and be able to show understanding and empathy towards them, as we have been in their shoes and know the pains they are experiencing. Satan laughs now, but it is short lived. The strength in the promises that we made to God and each other are powerful, and i know that we have angels surrounding us to keep us lifted up. There is just too much riding on this situation not to have their help. So in writing this tonight, i am not angry anymore. I feel loved by my Heavenly Father and i know that He is watching over me as never before. I feel overwhelmed and saddened, but i know that we will get through this. I am saddened at the sight of my best friend and lover again, and a renewed sense of the enormity of the battle she is waging is fresh on my mind. She is in the fight of her life against her cottage cheese and pie. Only Satan could hinge a eternal destiny on a small morsel of food. That is why he is the great deceiver. He can gain souls from the simplest of things, even food. I know Jane can get through this. I know i can get through it. I got through today. I will get through tomorrow and the next day will be their waiting for me to conquer as well. Though i don't see the 'heavenly' angels around me, i do see the everyday angels all around me, serving us, feeding us, calling to check up on us, watching little ones, and praying for us. We are surrounded by some of the best people in the world, it is no mistake that we live where we live. I like to think that God had me move to this area in preparation for this moment, because we are surrounded by 'angels' who love us. He knows what is in our futures, He prepare us for it. So i could write letters to ED tonight and tell him how much i hate him, but the satisfaction is short lived. I find more peace in thanking God for the gifts that He so freely has given me and that i know He will continue to give me. I know He wants us better, He will get us there. In the process, we are going to gain a education and understanding that cannot be gained in any other way. Though we are angry and sad about it now, we will one day thank the Lord for the understanding, compassion and faith that we gained from it. I know there is a God, Jesus died for me for the purpose of helping me to find peace in this life and the life to come. I have been blessed beyond my abilities. I married my best friend and I love her so much, we have the best kids in the world and we live in the place that God wanted us to live. What more could i ask for? I am a blessed man. And... I love my girl!
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