'We' is all we got, so 'We' has got to get better

Snoring, that is what I woke up to. It was amazing snoring, loud and boisterous. Sounded like a 40 year old man. But it was from a 35 lb four year old with a sassy attitude that manipulates me into giving her what she wants. Yes, baby girl snuck into bed with me last night because she had a bad dweam. My favorite word she says is fart. She make the 'sh' sound instead of the 'f' sound and it is hilarious when she does it. We all know what 'Shart' means when someone says it, I am sure I don't have to explain. My little cusser. She actually is a cusser, she will be playing a computer game and mess up or lose and she will let our a loud 'Dang it!' it is so funny. Her brother found her some new games to play on the computer that involve nursery rhymes. She loves it. So now she walks around the house singing about 'Georgie Porgie' and the rhyme about the lady with lots of kids in a shoe. So anyways, enough about the little squirt who rules my life right now, I got up and made crepes for breakfast, prayed, sang and preached. Good byes were said and kisses were give. I cleaned the house, did the dishes, dressed a picky 4 year old ( I am now limiting her to one set of clothes a day, if I didn't she would have four different outfits on the floor at the end of the day.) I emailed, I talked, I consulted, I shared, I mourned, I tried to sell. We had lunch and then we made a run to town to give one of our new tenants the keys to his unit he is renting and then stopped by the bank. I was looking at my text as I was driving on the back roads to town (bad I know, no traffic though, ever...) and baby girl got scared and she reached over and grabbed the wheel so we could not crash. I laughed my head off. She cannot see over the dashboard. So now my 4 year old thinks she can drive better than me. Too funny. We got home and I had to work on the computer and pay bills. The kids came home happy. We had snacks and then we had THREE dinners dropped off tonight, all from neighbors. I feel so grateful today for the love that is being shown to us. I realized that it is not me why they are doing it. Jane has treated people so kindly over the years, she is always the one taking a meal over or making a treat for someone. I am the one that grudgingly drives the car. Everyone just wants to help out. I love that. So we ate dinner, one of the neighbors came and picked up the boys for scouts and I played the Wii with the kids and then put the girls down for bed. My little guy and I started watching one of my favorite new shows, 'Brain Games' and then the boys came home and we finished it up. I had them all tucked into bed and then there was a knock on the door. I opened the door and standing in front of me was one my old best friends. I have not seen him in months. He had the boys with him and I invited him in and we sat down and visited for awhile. He told me that he was sorry for not being a good friend. He told me that he was sorry that he was not there for me when we were in the struggle for our lives. I told him of some of the struggles that we had gone through and we were both a bit emotional. As he was leaving he threw his arms around me and told me he loved me and to be sure to call if I needed anything. He also apologized for not inviting me to his cattle drive this year, he felt bad about that and said he would never do that again. They left and I was glad that he stopped by. It was good to see him as I have not seen him for awhile.

So I am missing my girl tonight. I know I don't have to write that anymore, but it still feels good to write it. I miss her, I miss her, I miss her!!! I just want to go back to those early years of our marriage. I look back and they were such happy times. It might be because we did not have TV and only a few kids, it seems like we had a little more time for us in the evenings. Maybe not, maybe it is just old man thoughts, life is always better in the past...... We have had a great marriage over the years. We really have. We have spent some amazing times together and done some amazing things. This experience is making me realize that I want to be around Jane more. I was never mean or rude to her, sometimes I just did not give her all of me, and I want that to change. I am probably going to be a 'helicopter husband'  when she gets out, just hovering around her all the time. We will just have to find a happy medium. We will find it when the time is right. I cannot imagine this being my normal life from here on out. It would be miserable! I want to have Jane here with me to listen to the cute things that get said by our kids nonstop, to listen to baby girl sing about Georgie Pordgie kissing girls a the top of her lungs, to watch my nine year old girl going on sixteen roll her eyes at me, to see the little whiskers appearing under my 12 years olds nose as he starts to become a man, to watch my argumentive eleven year old complain about how nothing is fair and to see my youngest boy fold his arms and nod his head at a job well done. These things are what make our life real. And in between all that there is the fighting, screaming, whining and messes, but this is real life, our real life. One day it will all be over and the kids will be gone and we will rip out the play doh stained carpets, paint over the grafittied walls, and get rid of the urine soaked mattresses. We will then just have each other and an occasional grand child. 'We' is all we got, so 'We' has got to get better. So get better we will, Jane on her end, me on my end. In a few months the two of us will be back together, madly in love and more whole than we were before. We will hug a little closer, kiss a little longer, talk a lot more, be passionate more often, be more honest, more caring and more understanding. I look forward to that day more than anything right now. And.... I love my girl!!