Today........ arghhhh. I did not like
today. I don't know why I am in such bad mood these last two days,
just not having a great time. Woke up this morning to kids fighting,
my oldest daughter came into my room crying. I knew it was going to be a no good,
lousy, good for nothing day.... I got up and showered and shaved and
made my appearance in the kitchen. The kids were on my nerves from
the git go. I need a vacation with my wife on a cruise ship with lots
of delicious food and no screaming kids. So I made some dutch babies
for the chilluns and we ate together. I then retired to my office to
try to get some work done and it was not stop interruptions all
morning. I finally almost just broke down in a tearful mess just
begging the kids to not come in my office. It was a super nice day
outside, around 60 degrees, so I was able to make the boys go outside
and clean up the yard and their fort mess from last fall. The trees
are budding out, and I have tulips now popping up out of the ground
with bright green shoots. My rhubarb plant has awakened and is
reaching for the sky now. I don't know what to think about this
weather. It is the middle of February and it feels like the
beginning of April. So I was grumpy all day, the house was always a
mess, someone was always crying, I feel a bit overwhelmed with taking on snow removals in New
Jersey and I feel bad for on this new guy I just hired who quit his job to come to North
Dakota and we can't find snow to remove.... at all. My wife is gone, it is Valentines
day, I should be making beautiful love to my beautiful wife and
celebrating 14 years of bliss but instead I am grumpy, lonely and
tired of fighting, whining and arguing children. Sounds pleasant,
doesn't it? I finally escaped the madness at 3;45 with my sweet daughter
and I took her down to a birthday party with her twin
friends. I went to Walmart to get some pictures printed off for Jane.
They have instant printing now so I had an hour and a half to kill. I
decided to just wander around Walmart for awhile, I needed a few
things and I had no where else to go. That helped me calm down a bit,
watching other peoples kids throw fits is far more enjoyable than
being responsible for mine. I got invited to go to the Boy's Varsity BB game but I got
home and by the time I had the kitchen cleaned up again, and the kids
were all quietly watching a movie, I decided to just stay home and
get them to bed early so they would be in a good move tomorrow for
the drive to the Center tomorrow.. So now I am going to finish up and go to
bed. I am not excited to drive for eight hours tomorrow with kids. They will
probably be fine, I am just a bit tired. Hopefully it goes
well......
So I am sad and I have been trying to figure out why all day. When I am grumpy, I know that I am grumpy. The kids tiptoe around me and don't want me to get mad. I am usually a pretty cheerful person, but I am just having a bad run these last couple of days. This may be what they call depression. I would agree that I am depressed. My life has been turned upside down and the normalcy of my days is setting in. I would rather stay in bed or take naps if I could, I don't have a chance to get any exercise, and the kids are all anxious about their mom which causes an amplification of emotions that I really don't want to handle right now. I was trying to find time to got to the temple this week and I did just not have the time to do it. It is so much easier with two of us. I realized today as I was vacuuming that raising kids with Jane, as a couple, is enjoyable. We both pull our weight and it makes it easier when we divide the day to day activities of raising kids. When raising kids alone, it is not fun. My day is filled with the day to day activities so much that there are very few moments when I can stop and say, lets have fun or lets go do something. I just don't have the time. I spend all day working and then the rest of my time playing catch up on the meals, laundry, refereeing fights, shuttling kids and cleaning. I feel so bad for those who do this their whole lives as a single parent. What a sad, lonely life. This too will pass. I am experiencing the loneliness and the sadness for a reason. I know it is part of the process. This eating disorder is a big deal, I know I am dealing with it pretty well here at home and i have tried to keep my journal optimistic but I want future generations who read this to know that is the hardest thing I have ever done and it is miserable. I wish we could have addressed the eating disorder in its infancy and not had to go to these extremes. It is not fun for Jane, it is not fun for me, and it is extremely hard on the kids to have a mom that is gone, and a dad that is overwhelmed, stressed and grumpy. I have run the scenario through my mind hundreds of times and I know that there is no other way. This is it and I have two options, get in my truck and drive away and never come back or deal with the best I can. The best I can is really the only option. I have six kids who depend on me to be strong and a wife who needs me to be the best that I can right now. She needs me to be strong, and I am trying as hard as I can. And it is hard. I know I am venting and feeling bad about myself, I shouldn't. My life is still relatively easy, I have food, shelter and work. My ancestors buried 6 of their children in a two day period. But I still am going through a tough time mentally right now and it is dark, sad and lonely. I want it to change and it will, I just have to let the days pass and the weeks go by. Days will turn into months and then Jane will come home to me again. I just hope that she come home healed and able to deal with the eating disorder. I never want to go through this again. I will do whatever I have to save my girl, I will do it, I just don't want to. I am sure that there is some major character building going on with both of us right now, and I am sure we will look back at this period of our lives as the time we came closer together and closer to God, but I just want to ask, ' is there any other way?' I already know the answer so I will be patient and stop looking at the months ahead of me and just focus on the day at hand. And the day at hand has a 8 hour drive with six kids ahead of me. Lord have mercy on me! Help me have good kids tomorrow. And.... l love my girl!
So I am sad and I have been trying to figure out why all day. When I am grumpy, I know that I am grumpy. The kids tiptoe around me and don't want me to get mad. I am usually a pretty cheerful person, but I am just having a bad run these last couple of days. This may be what they call depression. I would agree that I am depressed. My life has been turned upside down and the normalcy of my days is setting in. I would rather stay in bed or take naps if I could, I don't have a chance to get any exercise, and the kids are all anxious about their mom which causes an amplification of emotions that I really don't want to handle right now. I was trying to find time to got to the temple this week and I did just not have the time to do it. It is so much easier with two of us. I realized today as I was vacuuming that raising kids with Jane, as a couple, is enjoyable. We both pull our weight and it makes it easier when we divide the day to day activities of raising kids. When raising kids alone, it is not fun. My day is filled with the day to day activities so much that there are very few moments when I can stop and say, lets have fun or lets go do something. I just don't have the time. I spend all day working and then the rest of my time playing catch up on the meals, laundry, refereeing fights, shuttling kids and cleaning. I feel so bad for those who do this their whole lives as a single parent. What a sad, lonely life. This too will pass. I am experiencing the loneliness and the sadness for a reason. I know it is part of the process. This eating disorder is a big deal, I know I am dealing with it pretty well here at home and i have tried to keep my journal optimistic but I want future generations who read this to know that is the hardest thing I have ever done and it is miserable. I wish we could have addressed the eating disorder in its infancy and not had to go to these extremes. It is not fun for Jane, it is not fun for me, and it is extremely hard on the kids to have a mom that is gone, and a dad that is overwhelmed, stressed and grumpy. I have run the scenario through my mind hundreds of times and I know that there is no other way. This is it and I have two options, get in my truck and drive away and never come back or deal with the best I can. The best I can is really the only option. I have six kids who depend on me to be strong and a wife who needs me to be the best that I can right now. She needs me to be strong, and I am trying as hard as I can. And it is hard. I know I am venting and feeling bad about myself, I shouldn't. My life is still relatively easy, I have food, shelter and work. My ancestors buried 6 of their children in a two day period. But I still am going through a tough time mentally right now and it is dark, sad and lonely. I want it to change and it will, I just have to let the days pass and the weeks go by. Days will turn into months and then Jane will come home to me again. I just hope that she come home healed and able to deal with the eating disorder. I never want to go through this again. I will do whatever I have to save my girl, I will do it, I just don't want to. I am sure that there is some major character building going on with both of us right now, and I am sure we will look back at this period of our lives as the time we came closer together and closer to God, but I just want to ask, ' is there any other way?' I already know the answer so I will be patient and stop looking at the months ahead of me and just focus on the day at hand. And the day at hand has a 8 hour drive with six kids ahead of me. Lord have mercy on me! Help me have good kids tomorrow. And.... l love my girl!
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