We are at a intersection of many roads, all marked with signs that describe sadness except one, 'Full Recovery'.

Got to see my girl again today. I got to the Center at 10:45 am but they would not let me in because they said visiting hours started at 2pm. I was sad but I did not want to argue with them, so I left and went down the street to a church and went to the services. I got back to the Center at 2, and  I walked in and saw my girl sitting on the couch. It is always good to see her. She looked happy and that made me happy. We sat in one of the small living rooms for a bit and talked and held each other, then it was warm enough to go outside so we went and sat down on the bench and talked some more. One of Jane's unmarried friends at the center,  pulled her aside and asked her how we never ran out of things to talk about. Jane just laughed and said that we did and we would just start all over again. It is hard to have things to talk about, my life has gotten pretty routine and Jane's is routine as well. We can only talk about the our life so much and talk about our future plans for so long. Normally at that point, back when we were dating, we would start making out and not need to talk, but here we just start over and talk about it over again. It was nice to sit outside in the warm sun. The trees are budding out and the tulips are popping through the soil right now. Very strange weather for February. So we basked in the sun until it disappeared and then we went inside and had white knuckled game of Bananagrams. So that is what we come to, instead of making out we make out words with little plastic tiles. Haha, never saw that one coming. Jane had to go to dinner so I stayed behind and read a book and listened to the fit of a 13 year old Bulimic girl who did not want to eat dinner. It was hard to read when the yelling of 'I hate you, I hate you, I hope you die, I hope you get fat' rang out of her eating disordered mouth. So sad. So young. I hope this is our only and last experience with an eating disorder. I am not sure I can do it again. Jane came back, she ate her whole meal and she was in good spirits, we stared into each others eyes for another hour and when we could stare no longer, I left and began my journey home. I was happy that I came down, Jane seems to be in a better spot right now and really wants to progress and move through the program, so that made me happy that she was giving it her all. I had a uneventful trip home,  and pulled into the driveway at about 11:30.

I loved seeing Jane yesterday. I miss her so much. It is a lonely time of my life. I can see why people go into depression. I can understand why some people would rather just stay in bed rather than face life each day. I am at a interesting point in my life where I can get glimpses into these abysses of sorrow, and feel what it is like to be in them. I don't like it. I am struggling to be at a happy place, my world has come to a sad point. Every where I turn the discussions are the same, there are looks of sorrow from all I meet and my children have a undertone of sadness about them. I do not like this. I can't wait for this act in the play of our lives to be over and we can move on to happier times, the next scene. I still don't understand how we got to this point. Life was moving on  a good clip and everything seemed to be going in a good direction. I don't know why Jane's ED came on so strong at this point. I don't understand why it affected her the way it did. I just know that it has brought more sorrow to our lives than we have ever experienced and it is trying us as a family in ways that I never expected. The kids are holding up okay. I think my little girl's remark tonight sums it up perfectly, ' I miss my mom and I want her here with us'. I can only agree and try to console and make them happy. I know that we will find happiness in the future, I just wonder what the future holds for Jane and I and the kids. We at a intersection of many roads, all marked with signs that describe sadness except one, 'Full Recovery'. Even that road will have potholes and twists and turns, good days and bad days. I hope that is the road that is chosen. The other have names like 'depression, withdrawal, loneliness, repeat visit, anger, silence, and rebellion'. I hope we can find the right road together as a family and leave that intersection forever behind. It was hard enough the first time, I don't want to ever do this again. I love Jane, I know she loves me and the kids. My heart aches for her as I know that the sorrow and guilt that she must be having must feel like the powers of hell are against her. The only thing I can do now is to show her my support, try to be a good dad, and give her whatever part of me that I can manage right now, either in person or in written word. I feel a bid helpless  and inadequate at the tasks that I do each day, but it is all that I have and all that I can give. I just hope the Lord will take care of my wife and my children in the parts that I cannot meet. And... I love my girl!