So we woke up at 6:30 this morning,
my sweet little girl was the first one out of bed, dressed and ready to conquer the
day. I gave her a alarm clock the other day and she loves having her
own alarm now. She came up and we snuggled for a bit until we heard
more feet coming up the stairs and I figured I had better get up and
get going. I showered and shaved, we had cold cereal and fruit for
breakfast. We got on the road just before 8 and made it to the Center just
after 12. We stopped for a potty break and then for some chicken
nuggets at Burger King. The kids did pretty good this morning, not
much fighting, lots of movie watching. The drive for me was okay,
there were a few times where I caught myself dazing off and had
to come to alertness again. Jane got moved into the RTC unit of the
Center, so we got to visit her in the residential unit. It was
a lot better, the family room is a lot larger as is the smaller
private family rooms. Jane was very happy to see the kids and the
they were thrilled to see her. They had been looking forward to it
all week. We sat in one of the small family rooms and visited and
played a few games. Jane was like a celebrity, all the kids wanted
her attention and to sit by her and touch her. It was nice. It is
good to sit in a room together as a family, it makes me happy. Jane
had to go to lunch at 1 so I took the kids down the street to play at
the park while she ate. It was a beautiful 60 degree day and they
enjoyed running around and playing. I wish I could say that I had the
energy to run around and play with them but I did not, I sat in the
van with my eyes closed enjoying a quiet moment. The kids and I got
back to the Center at 1:45 and we spent the rest of the afternoon
until about 5 with Jane. The kids just wanted her attention and the
girls wore her out with their games of hide and go seek. She was a
good sport and found those little squirts every time. I wish I could
have gotten to talk to Jane a bit more and hold her close to me, but
that time was fleeting and the kids needed her attention, so I
enjoyed watching the mother of my children and the love of my life
playing with our chilluns. Baby girl started whining and the kids were
hungry so we bid Jane adieu and drove over to my sister's house
for dinner. They were so kind and made us sandwiches, salad and home
made cookies with frosting for the kids to decorate. I really like
my baby sis, she is so kind and just wants to help me. I am trying to let
people help me more, and I appreciate the act of kindness from her
today. She has always been a good sister to me. We left there around
7, fueled up and hit the open road. There was a bit of whining and
'I'm hungry's' on the way home but the kids slept for a good portion
of the time and we got home around 11 to find all well. So overall,
it was a good trip, it was good to see my girl and the kids were all
happy tonight that they got to see their mom as I tucked them
in.
So Jane told me today that she thinks that she needs to come home and that her time there does not feel very productive. We only had a few minutes to talk about it and then when I got home I had a letter waiting for me in the mail box pretty much saying the same thing. I thought about this the whole way home, not knowing that Jane had wrote about it a few days ago which tells me that she has been thinking about this a lot. So as I was driving through the darkness of the freeway, to the sounds of a snoring baby girl behind me, I had a chance to think it through. I came to realize that I have some trust issues right now. I analyzed the impact that the eating disorder has had on our lives over the years and the untruths or deceptions or whatever you want to call them. To cut to the chase and to not prolong the thought, I am not sure if this is Jane that has the eating disorder asking to come home or if this is Jane who feels she has the eating disorder under control asking to come home. That is a tough question for me, and I will admit that the selfish part of me wants my wife home with me tonight, lying next to me that I can hold and touch. I know that I if I told Jane that I wanted her home now, she would be home now. But I can't look or listen to the selfish me right now, I have to listen to the reasoning and long term me. It was only a month and a half ago that I was coming to terms with the thought that my wife might die. That is not a easy though process to contemplate, especially when I have six young kids who need a mom. I was devastated through the month of December. I remember not being able to sleep one night and going downstairs and sitting in front of the fireplace praying and crying, trying to figure out what I should do. It was terrible month for me, it will go down as one of the worst times of my life. I was watching TV in my room one night and Jane was on her elliptical going all out and as I sat there and watched her go, I was so sad. I knew that even if I asked her to stop, she would not have. I remember sitting down to dinner each night and watching the reactions of my kids as Jane would come to the table with a small bowl of lettuce and the kids had a look of concern on their faces, they knew something was up. I think my sadness hit a bottom when Jane wrote me a email and told me that I was not a safe person to talk to and that she did not feel like we were on the same page anymore. That was devastating to me. I had no idea what to do. I think my anger hit a new high when we had got done praying and crying, on the night before Jane left. We had just had a EXTREMELY emotional experience and we had tucked the kids into bed. I was getting ready and all of the sudden the most intense anger came over me. I was so mad that I had just watched my kids hearts break and cry uncontrollably in such a way that they could not be consoled. It was heart wrenching and it was sad. And when the emotions were finally drained and the kids were tucked in, the anger hit me. I was so mad that the eating disorder had done this to our family, to Jane and to us as a couple. I went to bed and Jane was all curled up on her side of the bed and she wanted me to hold her, and so I did, but my heart and thoughts had anger in them. I did not want it there, I wanted to hold my wife in my arms and show her love and affections, and I did hold her, but all I could think of was my little girl sobbing and my oldest son yelling out a prayer in between sobs, and all I could think of was 'how dare you do this to my little ones!' I realize Jane is in a Center far from us. I realize that she is fighting demons every day. I realize that that there is a possibility that she could do better here with us. But that is not a risk I am willing to take at this point. I would much rather deal with the loneliness and struggles of taking care of six kids by myself than to have Jane here on a downward spiral and have to live that hell that I went through in December again. I never want to do that again or have those emotions again. I would wish that on no one. This may sound harsh, and it probably is, but I think we are better off with Jane at the center and me visiting her weekly spending time together for the time being. I say that with the utmost love in my heart for her. I cannot offer her the help that she needs right now, I may have been able to years ago when the ED was not as intense, but I am not sure can give her the support she would need if she digressed. I say that not feeling Jane is weak, but because of my own weakness. I know I am weak right now, but having jane come home and slip back into her ED ways would break me. I can't put myself back into that position right now, and I can't put my kids back into that position right now. I don't think 20 years of eating disorder tendencies is going to be drastically hindered in 6 weeks. I want Jane to get the best help possible, and I think right now, and for the coming months, that will be in the Center. Hard as it is to say that, I really feel that it is the truth. Jane asked that I think about it and pray about it and I will. I am going to try to find some time in the temple this week to take it to the Lord. I realized on the way home that it may be harder to get Jane to stay in the Center than it was to get her to go into the Center in the first place. I don't know how this will end up, but I am optimistic that this program will work. I cannot go through this again, it has to count and work, I can't go through the realization that my wife was going to die if something drastic did not happen fast. It is just too much for me to have to witness again. I may be being dramatic about it, but it is the truth. I watched my wife walk to the abyss of death and look down into it and I never want to see her that close again. I love her so much, the kids love her so much, and I want to spend the rest of my mortal days with her by my side. This has been a tough subject to write on, but I write it with love for my girl. 14 years ago tonight I asked her to marry me. When she said yes, we both made the quiet and solemn commitment that we would be true and faithful to each other from that point on, even if it was hard. I love her today more than I did back then, we made six amazing children that we love so much. We built a life that seemed to only be dream as we were standing in that frozen parking lot. We have been through tough times, and good times. I want there to be more, I want to have more joy, more happiness, more laughter, more fulfillment. I want to have less anger, less sorrow, less loneliness, and less tears. The sacrifice now of being apart it worth the years of happiness of ahead. It is a sacrifice that I am willing to make now and in the months to come, I hope Jane is willing to do the same. So on this night of anniversary, the night that our two paths became one and we committed to each other, I hope that above all, Jane knows that I love her and I will do whatever it takes to have us back together again in a healthy state, even if that means being apart. And..... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!
So Jane told me today that she thinks that she needs to come home and that her time there does not feel very productive. We only had a few minutes to talk about it and then when I got home I had a letter waiting for me in the mail box pretty much saying the same thing. I thought about this the whole way home, not knowing that Jane had wrote about it a few days ago which tells me that she has been thinking about this a lot. So as I was driving through the darkness of the freeway, to the sounds of a snoring baby girl behind me, I had a chance to think it through. I came to realize that I have some trust issues right now. I analyzed the impact that the eating disorder has had on our lives over the years and the untruths or deceptions or whatever you want to call them. To cut to the chase and to not prolong the thought, I am not sure if this is Jane that has the eating disorder asking to come home or if this is Jane who feels she has the eating disorder under control asking to come home. That is a tough question for me, and I will admit that the selfish part of me wants my wife home with me tonight, lying next to me that I can hold and touch. I know that I if I told Jane that I wanted her home now, she would be home now. But I can't look or listen to the selfish me right now, I have to listen to the reasoning and long term me. It was only a month and a half ago that I was coming to terms with the thought that my wife might die. That is not a easy though process to contemplate, especially when I have six young kids who need a mom. I was devastated through the month of December. I remember not being able to sleep one night and going downstairs and sitting in front of the fireplace praying and crying, trying to figure out what I should do. It was terrible month for me, it will go down as one of the worst times of my life. I was watching TV in my room one night and Jane was on her elliptical going all out and as I sat there and watched her go, I was so sad. I knew that even if I asked her to stop, she would not have. I remember sitting down to dinner each night and watching the reactions of my kids as Jane would come to the table with a small bowl of lettuce and the kids had a look of concern on their faces, they knew something was up. I think my sadness hit a bottom when Jane wrote me a email and told me that I was not a safe person to talk to and that she did not feel like we were on the same page anymore. That was devastating to me. I had no idea what to do. I think my anger hit a new high when we had got done praying and crying, on the night before Jane left. We had just had a EXTREMELY emotional experience and we had tucked the kids into bed. I was getting ready and all of the sudden the most intense anger came over me. I was so mad that I had just watched my kids hearts break and cry uncontrollably in such a way that they could not be consoled. It was heart wrenching and it was sad. And when the emotions were finally drained and the kids were tucked in, the anger hit me. I was so mad that the eating disorder had done this to our family, to Jane and to us as a couple. I went to bed and Jane was all curled up on her side of the bed and she wanted me to hold her, and so I did, but my heart and thoughts had anger in them. I did not want it there, I wanted to hold my wife in my arms and show her love and affections, and I did hold her, but all I could think of was my little girl sobbing and my oldest son yelling out a prayer in between sobs, and all I could think of was 'how dare you do this to my little ones!' I realize Jane is in a Center far from us. I realize that she is fighting demons every day. I realize that that there is a possibility that she could do better here with us. But that is not a risk I am willing to take at this point. I would much rather deal with the loneliness and struggles of taking care of six kids by myself than to have Jane here on a downward spiral and have to live that hell that I went through in December again. I never want to do that again or have those emotions again. I would wish that on no one. This may sound harsh, and it probably is, but I think we are better off with Jane at the center and me visiting her weekly spending time together for the time being. I say that with the utmost love in my heart for her. I cannot offer her the help that she needs right now, I may have been able to years ago when the ED was not as intense, but I am not sure can give her the support she would need if she digressed. I say that not feeling Jane is weak, but because of my own weakness. I know I am weak right now, but having jane come home and slip back into her ED ways would break me. I can't put myself back into that position right now, and I can't put my kids back into that position right now. I don't think 20 years of eating disorder tendencies is going to be drastically hindered in 6 weeks. I want Jane to get the best help possible, and I think right now, and for the coming months, that will be in the Center. Hard as it is to say that, I really feel that it is the truth. Jane asked that I think about it and pray about it and I will. I am going to try to find some time in the temple this week to take it to the Lord. I realized on the way home that it may be harder to get Jane to stay in the Center than it was to get her to go into the Center in the first place. I don't know how this will end up, but I am optimistic that this program will work. I cannot go through this again, it has to count and work, I can't go through the realization that my wife was going to die if something drastic did not happen fast. It is just too much for me to have to witness again. I may be being dramatic about it, but it is the truth. I watched my wife walk to the abyss of death and look down into it and I never want to see her that close again. I love her so much, the kids love her so much, and I want to spend the rest of my mortal days with her by my side. This has been a tough subject to write on, but I write it with love for my girl. 14 years ago tonight I asked her to marry me. When she said yes, we both made the quiet and solemn commitment that we would be true and faithful to each other from that point on, even if it was hard. I love her today more than I did back then, we made six amazing children that we love so much. We built a life that seemed to only be dream as we were standing in that frozen parking lot. We have been through tough times, and good times. I want there to be more, I want to have more joy, more happiness, more laughter, more fulfillment. I want to have less anger, less sorrow, less loneliness, and less tears. The sacrifice now of being apart it worth the years of happiness of ahead. It is a sacrifice that I am willing to make now and in the months to come, I hope Jane is willing to do the same. So on this night of anniversary, the night that our two paths became one and we committed to each other, I hope that above all, Jane knows that I love her and I will do whatever it takes to have us back together again in a healthy state, even if that means being apart. And..... I LOVE MY GIRL!!!!
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